Breaking It Down: It’s so obvious! Marsten, Nachos and English men

Man Up with Kristen Stewart...

Dear Kristen,

We just read your GQ article… yea, we were around when it came out a few days ago but it was simply too late to read and break down cause these things take forever. You understand. So of course after this thing trended (srsly?!) we knew we needed to break it down. So here we are…

Also, we feel it necessary to tell you and everyone else we were in the middle of a convo on Obama reelection chances, Mitt Romney and Rick Perry. Cause we care about stuff… then this convo happened…

The One where they still don’t get it but she looks good

I'm going to fwd her the groupon for laser hair removal

UC: we gotta break down Kstew right?
Moon: yea i was just about to say we need to do that…  i need to read it
Moon: im trying to find a link to this crap
UC: go to i-want-to-marry-k-stew.com or something
Moon: How about  Fierce Bitch Stew?
Moon: yes lets read and then talk
UC: okay godspeed
Moon: srsly
Moon: woah… this shit is long
UC: ugh good opener…like.. well written! ciao bella
omg the description of the mexican place… really? “each beer comes with a basket of salty chips & salsa” ugh. it’s a mexcian restaurant
UC: there’s that prepubescent line again- do they do NO research? the majority of twilight fans are NOT teeny bopper girls!  those girls were 7 when the books came out!
Moon: No, because by doing research and they’d be forced to realize we’re not all little kids and then they’d be forced to consider that maybe this thing it’s not  so bad/childish/dumb and they’d have to rethink their preconceived notions they’ve been fed by the cynical media.
Moon: Sorry, that was a mouthful.
UC: i like the photoshoot a lot.. i think it’s one of her best
Moon: yea she does look great!! I want those suits she’s wearing. .. and dude this person is a super krisbian
UC: the author?
Moon: yes, seems that way

Ohhh heeeey... maybe he's english?!

UC: i like how she knows her bodyguard was named HBG…
i feel like it’s a male author, but i have no idea.. probably not.. but i’m reading it like it is
Moon: yea i think its a gay guy… ok back to reading cause i dont know about HBG
UC: oh haha
Moon: whats that mean?
UC: hottie bodyguard… i dind’t know either but i’ve seen it
Moon: i thought they called him agent security blanket. shows how much we know of the krisbian world
UC: i just realized this is the UK version of glamour & that’s why there are misspellings!! i was like “man.. editor missed a bunch”
UC: “Twilight is catnip for those young innocent girls” … out of all the young innocent girls i know who have read it- and i know many- no one has latched on to it like we have or our friends. even KRISTEN doesn’t get it. i feel even MORE alone.. as an adult…
Moon: ks doesnt even get it but I guess that’s like a lot of people who just don’t have that personality type to really get INTO something or enjoy it without caring so much what everyone thinks.
UC: that’s what I was saying!!!  young girls have short attention spans.. they will freak out when the movie comes out again, but they (few) care in between
Moon: “They asked me to do silly things, and I wasn’t a silly kid.” imagine that

Follow the cut for MORE an Nachos!
Continue…

166 Commented


Breaking Down the Breaking Dawn Trailer! Rageward, Breeds and Awkwardness!

Dear Breaking Dawn and Bill Condon and Stephenie and LTT-ers,

OMG!!! I just got so excited, apparently it took a well timed and well cut trailer to get me back in this game but I’m here baby and we’re ready to break this Breaking Dawn trailer down!

So put me in coach and LET’S DO THIS! (sorry,wrong movie)…

The One Where They Can NEVER Get It Right…
Moon
: myelloooo runaways and eclipse are on tv right no. fyi
UC: orgasm. kristen gasm
Moon: oh nakey jakey….. ok anyway! so lets do this
UC: okay LET’s and i’m druhnk like runk! so sorry in advnace
Moon: ok go… AH it goes so quick in the beginning!
UC: is it suposed to sound like crap ? and just be FLASHES of images?
Moon: fun note/trivia: there is ALWAYS a beach/water in the opening shot
UC: ALWAYS

We look awful!

Moon: ok freeze it at :11 we HAVE to talk about carlisle’s awful hair. i mean WTF is going on?
UC: it’s falling out” early on-set vampire baldness?
Moon: even the ice truck killer behind him wants to kill that wig
UC: it’s fake HAHAHAHAH forgot about him
Moon: its like HOW do they ef up the hair EVERY TIME???!!! EVERY.TIME.
UC: EVERY TIME. the wig people must be OLD
Moon: like im pretty sure jasper has had diff hair color and style EVERY time
UC: yeah- NOT consistent with the book
Moon: alice looks like a soccer mom with a van
UC: hahahahahahhaahahaahah and Emmett looks like a Ken doll. Rosalie looks… the best! & Esme looks the same
Moon: i mean its supposed to be short and spikey not “i just cut orange slices for the soccer game” short

Bella: "FML!"

UC: and then there are the playboy bunnies behind them. Where’s Hef?
Moon: aawwwwwww, the girls next door showed up for the big day! aka the bitch edward ran off to in midnight sun
UC: Are they the denalis?
UC: They’re hot
Moon: yea the girls next door are the denali’s
UC: no wonder Bella was jealous
Moon: for realzzzzzz. thats like miss january, feburary and march coming to your wedding

I feel ill....

The One Where Cedric Got The Flu
UC: Are the girls, Alice, Rosealie and Esme not IN the wedding?
UC: I don’t know how I feel about this.. did that not happen in the book?
Moon: i guess not… i read it once, remember?
UC: haha okay

Moon: ok so we can see sleeves on the dress
UC: Besides looking like she stayed up for an all-nighter learning her “better for worse” lines.. Kristen looks GORGEOUS. Rob… ugh….
Moon: right kristen looks great. rob looks like cedric. the hair is SO awful
UC: Cedric with the flu. SO awful
Moon: like i said on twitter a few days ago HOW in the world do you make rob look bad??!! its like a summitt super power or something
UC: Yeah they are the ONLY ones. them at that photographer who shot Rob as a

I've still got that Snapple Cap

pre-teen in his boxers. they are the only ones
Moon: if they wanted him to look gross they could have just let him wear what he wore to set that day, or whatever he’s currently wearing in london RIGHT NOW
UC:
exactly
Moon:“as long as we both shall live” HALF SMILE. the edwad half smile!!! finally some stuff from the books
UC: FINALL Y. they remember we liked those first

Follow the jump because things get awkward, weird, inappropriate and everything else you’d expect from us
Continue…

184 Commented


Breaking it down: The Font and I talk Taylor, bare feet and DOWN THERE!

Dear Taylor,

Sometimes I end up talking to my guy friends about you and not because they want to but because I commandeer the conversation and we go there. I apologize in advance for talking about some sensitive subjects for both you, Jacob and whatever’s going on beneath the Jorts.

(suck it Chris Hanson!)

A first… breaking it down with me and The Font

Take this invite and shove it!

The one where I totally commandeer the convo
The Font: Moon
Moon: The Font…..
*lots of time passes*
Moon: i take it you saw the new jacob picture but you’re too shy to bring it up?? do you want me to start??
………………
Moon: ok… running barefoot?! wtf? am i right??? just because white bread vanilla snoozville bella and edward sent you an F You! wedding invite doesnt mean you need to risk a cold or worse yet needing a tetanus booster when you inevitably step on a nail from running without shoes.
Moon: you send them a F You! gift from their registry and by gift from their registry i mean a flaming bag of crap thrown onto the cullens front porch!!

What should really happen at Edward & Bella's wedding

Moon: or you streak the wedding, dump a bucket of blood on bella a la “carrie” then yell “they’re all vampires you idiots” at the crowd of dumbass townies who couldnt recognize a werewolf if it phased in front of them……
(it’s your turn to jump in…. anytime now….)
.

The one where he finally gives in and jumps in
The Font: i go get a hot pocket and come back, and this is what happens?!
The Font: why is he BAREFOOT? is that a werewolf thing? or he does not have the twenty seconds to put on shoes?
Moon: i guess when you’re a werewolf in love with a vampire’s girl, pithy things like footwear doesnt matter. if he gets hurt it heals within minutes anyway so i guess he thinks fuck it, try to kill me tetanus!!!

Not exactly the Sports Authority

The Font: still. just for COMFORT’S sake
Moon: well maybe he’s realized it’s not worth it to lose another pair of shoes, because he’ll just get more pissed off, phase and the shoes will shread to pieces anyway. it’s a shitty economy still. he’s being economical and im sure new running shoes arent exactly cheap at newtons outfitters. its not like sports authority. they gotta put mike through community college somehow.
.

The one where we discuss Jorts vs Stretchy Pants and modesty

Official uniform of the wolfpack and everyone in our neighborhood

The Font: aren’t there stretch shoes for these kinds of things? the hulk always has stretch pants
Moon: you’d think thatd be the way they’d go, but they like the denim jorts. hipster wolves?
The Font: let’s talk about THAT! if they have JEANS on, how are those not ripping? jeans are not exactly known for their give
Moon: ok, here it is… (twi nerd of the day award) they either take them off and stash them into the woods before the phase, or they shread off their bodies. thats pretty much how the explain it in the books and movies. in the books, apparently, they tie an extra pair of shorts or whatever around their legs, in the movies they stash them in the woods
The Font: so concerned with modesty, these wolves

Dude follow the cut, we talk about naked Jacob and SO much more after this
Continue…

121 Commented


Kellan’s Love is Louder

Dear Kellan,

Moon & I heard your message to us through your Love is Louder video:

(Out of the US & can’t see the vid? Go here and read the transcript)

Here are our thoughts:

UC: THIS IS THE DAY THAT THE LORD HAS MADE. WE WILL REJOICE AND BE GLAD because KELLAN LUTZ made a video JUST FOR US. There is NO other explanation
Moon: seriously
UC: No explanation except that he is SEEKING approval. OUR APPROVAL and LTT’s approval
Moon: He wants us to break this down….. for LTT……
UC: and his JOY for Jesus- Sharing it with the world. The ONLY thing that would have made that better, was if his shirt was off
Moon: UC, Jesus is love and love is louder
UC: I feel happier than the day we interviewed Stephenie. This is like if Big Daddy wore a Tshirt with a picture of a breadstick on it
Moon: HAHAHAA
UC: this is like if….. Michael Welsh did a weight watchers campaign
Moon: HAHAHA
UC: or just wore a shirt that said “I REALLY DO like Boobs” or “Save the tatas”
Moon: Like if Taylor told the press he was starting an alpaca rescue farm
UC: Or if it’s really TomStu & Kristen who are dating
Moon: Or if Rob is being sponsored as the new brawny man
UC: hahaha
Moon: or he buys a home on the east side & stops going out in Weho
UC: yes! Like if Rob is seen at Chango- that hipster coffee shop in your neighborhood where everyone smokes pot.
Moon: It’s like they might be finally listening to us! Or just confirming the stuff we’ve thought all along
UC: I mean…. Moon…our VERY FIRST POST was about Kellan and his love for the big man upstairs
Moon: it was
UC: And we always knew it
Moon: That thought came to me while I was peeing
UC: I mean.. who else reads the Purpose driven life besides lovers of the Big man [Not Big Daddy- the other one] It wasn’t too hard to deduce.
Moon: You’re preaching to the choir sister
UC: and here it is.. confirmed …. for all to see
Moon: I may have to take Kellan to Kenya with me next summer
UC: I think this is Kellan’s cry for you to hear:
He wants to go
He wanted to go
He was hurt
Jesus healed him
but the pain is still there
Moon: It is. KELLAN since you’re reading this and we know you are. I will pick you up this Sunday and take you with me to church!
UC: THEY ARE SHOWING YOUR KENYA VIDEO!!! It’s perfect
Moon: It is!
UC: Jesus is love. Kenya is love. Moon is love
Moon: And Kellan is loving it all

Don’t be tempted

UC: It’s also possible he wants us to ignore the rumor that AnnaLynne moved in which I want to ignore- but kinda also want to talk about because I wonder how Jesus feels about his living in sin
Moon: WHAT?!
UC: Do you think they’re “just friends”
Moon: When did this happen?
UC: On a day he was “Straying” of course. No- some legit gossip rag mentioned it. And by legit I mean, not at all, but let’s ignore that fact.
Moon: AnnaLynne is trying to make us pay for all the times we’ve mentioned her
UC: I bet they have separate rooms, and he is SO close to Jesus that he just likes to really test his temptations. It’s easy to say WWJD when your girlfriend lives 10 miles away, but it’s MUCH harder when she’s in the room next door. He’s testing his faith. He’s showing us his strength as a follower
Moon: Maybe they both turned celibate and have created their own nunnery/priesthood in the valley?
UC: I bet they did- I think Jackson will be moving in soon too- there’s those rumors (that I think we started? Based on some hard-core googling stalking of his past??) that he grew up as a missionary kid
Moon: I just want to give Kellan a hug and then see what he REALLY believes. Also- I read a comment on his video that said “Nice Hair Plugs”
UC: Oh NO!
Moon: true or false? Sometimes his hair looks especially lustrous and other times it looks a little thin…
UC: you’re right. it looks VERY lustrous there
Moon: could this explain the comb forward caesar cut on Emmett?? He really has a receding hair line??
UC: it totally looks like he’s pulling a donald trump
that looks like a rug. WWJD? Not wear a rug.

Moon: I wonder what AnnaLynn thinks of all this
UC: yeah… she doesn’t seem like the type…. I’ve seen what she can do to a banana. Jesus doesn’t approve.
Moon: I mean she’s been traipsing around the world with him on this good will trips
UC: Has she been following Kellan around!? I’m behind on the AnnaLynne gossip, clearly.
Moon: yea she’s gone on a couple things with him- Haiti or whatever.. New Orleans
UC: dang- they are the new couple in Christendom. Like Bill & Gloria Gaither or Amy Grant & Vince Gill… or
Moon: Joshua Harris and his lady friend
UC: I know one thing WWJD: Not AnnaLynne is pretty dang clear.
Moon: The day Kellan dumps her and tells MTV they were “unequally yoked” we’ll know he really reads LTT

Love,
UC & Moon

While Kellan’s namedropping Jesus both shocks & pleases us, we did want to point out that “Love is Louder” is a great idea & we encourage you to check it out. Plus Vinny from The Jersey Shore does a video, and he’s our favorite.

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

Add Comments


Breaking it Down: JoeAshley??

Dear UC & Moon,

I have been a fan of your blogs for almost two years now. You ladies are AMAZING!!! Although, I hate to admit, I am a total fan fail. I don’t comment on posts, I tried to join the forum but that only lasted 3 days (Fuck Me Fridays should come with a warning label-but I did manage to score Buttcrack Santa status in those few short days), and I have only emailed you twice during our relationship together (if I remember correctly, I actually admitted to you I sexually harassed my boss…please don’t talk to his lawyer if he calls). But I credit you with so much in my real life – I found a place where I could go to escape when I needed to take a break from RL, by reading (lurking) your sites I found the strength and courage to make a HUGE move this year professionally and personally, and you have ALWAYS allowed me to start each and every day with a smile (well until you pulled that “we are only posting 3 or 4 times a week shizz). In my eyes, everything you ladies do is FABULOUS and you are Blog Goddesses!!!

Until now…..

I am disappointed in you. There I’ve said it. I feel like the little girl who has held her daddy up on a pedestal and then at the age of 13 attends a junior high Alcohol and Drug Awareness program only to come away with the realization that daddy is always in a good mood for a reason.

Allow me to explain. I feel as though you have missed an opportunity to break-it down. I have totally been cheated of a breaking it down post!!! Perhaps, Rob’s shenanigans have had you overwhelmed and busy (Road Trip, London, and the beard-yep he’s been a busy boy *insert sarcasm link here*). Well, since you ladies have had your hands full and completely overlooked the most important news in the TwiFandom since Nikki caught a VD from Paris (I know it is true because you ladies would never spread untrue or disparaging remarks about Lady Reed- yep *insert sarcasm link* again), I will take over and break it down myself cause my daddy always told me if you want something done you have to do it yourself. Yep, he said this every time my mom came home from the grocery store without a case of Michelob.

Breaking It Down (kinda) – JoeAshley

A JoBro couldn’t possibly know how to handle this!!!

I had heard rumblings of Ashley Green being wooed by Joe Jonas (seriously?). Like so many others I dismissed this as just another Perez Hilton ecstasy induced delusion.

Then a picture was released of the two of them actually together. I decided this definitely needed further investigation so I immediately went the experts – LTT. If there was any truth to these nasty rumors about Ashley, the fab duo of UC and Moon would surely have a post about it. NOTHING. So I dismissed this as just a business luncheon between Ms. Green and Mr. Jonas to discuss their upcoming movie “Camp Rock 7” in which Ashley will be starring as the camp counselor in charge of body paintings.

 

Then a week later yet another pic was posted of Ashley attending a JoBro concert?? This from the same girl who attended the Kings of Leon concert??? I was so confused and out of sorts that I again sought the wisdom of the pros at LTT. And once again…NADA. So I rationalized – she was just in town with nothing/no one better to do so she decided attending would be a good way to build a great working relation with her soon-to-be costar.

Just when I thought this whole thing was over and done and the day glow paint on my daughter’s homemade “Camp Rock 7″ tee was dry (don’t judge-those HotTopic shirts are expensive and I’m a single mom on a budget), THE KISS HAPPENED (I mean it kinda looked like a kiss). I thought to myself that this could NOT be happening! I mean this is the same girl that played Tonsil Hockey with CHASE “EFF ME HARD” CRAWFORD and apparently came[out] on top. Now she is sharing chaste pecks with Joe “Eyebrow” Jonas? These things just don’t exist…not in my world.

And again, I went to LTT expecting a complete, honest, and accurate breakdown of the events. SILENCE!!! Once again the goddesses had let me down by not breaking down. And again I was forced to come up with my own convoluted excuse of what was going on with our girl Ashley. I decided that Ashley is so smoking hot that she was going to prove that she can nail anyone anywhere (cause that’s what I would do if I were her). She wanted to be the one to strip Joe of that purity ring. She was going to deflower this 22 year old virgin and then wear a t-shirt saying “Yeah I tapped that”.

Just when I thought I couldn’t take any more in this the Joashley saga, something appeared like a gift from the paparazzi gods (since the goddesses from LTT weren’t delivering the goods). With this one picture, the explanation I had so long been searching for (and did I mention, unable to find on LTT??) was revealed to me…..

Ashley, my Ashley, has crossed over to the dark side….she has been brainwashed by Disney. In her new Disney contract, it states they will employ any means necessary to clean up her image. Thus, implementing project “Extreme Makeover-Slutty Image Edition”. Purity ring wearing, non-manscaping, boyfriend? Check. Disney Starlet BFF? Check, Check.

Ash…is that you baby???

So there you have it. Cause I know EVERYONE is anxiously awaiting the scoop (yeah another *insert sarcasm button* required). Even Jackson is so confused he doesn’t know rather to wind his butt or scratch his watch….

Ash…is that you baby???

Whew…I’m glad that is finally done! So I forgive you this time, UC and Moon. I know I shouldn’t expect you to be in all places at all times. I shouldn’t hold you on the pedestal that I do….after all there is a WHOLE LOTTA booze down here to share. I love you guys!!!!!

TicketGirl

To TicketGirl, all our precious LTT readers, Ashley, Joe Jonas & Miley Cyrus: We need to ask your forgiveness. We forgot the cardinal rule of breaking-it-down blogging: Never ever EVER let an opportunity go by when you could make fun of the hook-ups between Twilight stars & Disney virgins. We have no excuse. We know there isn’t much we can say to make it better. We just hope you forgive us so we can move forward. We vow to never make that mistake again. In fact, we’re going to start praying for a Kellan & Demi Lovato hook up. Or Kellan and that boy from Sonny with a Chance- we’ll take either.

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

1 Commented


Creative Commons License


This work is licensed under a Creative Commons
Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0
United States License
.

LTT Privacy Policy



Sponsored by