Happy Birthday UC, Love the Cullens and the rest of the gang!

Dear UnintendedChoice (your FULL fake name, this is a formal situation!)-

These blogs are usually meant as a place for us to write letters to Twilight and Rob but since it’s you’re birthday and I’m going to hell, I’m breaking ALL the rules! See, I can’t even get through an opening line without quoting this blasted series/movie, can you believe what it’s done to us?! I can’t! But what I can believe is it’s your BIRTHDAY!!! And you’re 21! Forever 21, ya’ll. Ok, maybe not 21 but a lady never reveals such secrets. I’m struggling right now to straddle the line between bringing the  funny and gushing uncontrollably about how much I love you. In a fake lesbian, life partners, blog partners kind of way, OF COURSE.

I can’t image a better person to run a blog empire with! Whenever I’m feeling particularly uncreative I know I can ‘break it down’ with you and I’ll come up with the best post ever. It’s like we always say “we’re better together” cause no one can help bring out the funny like you. You are the yin to my yang, the Bella to my Edward, the Sage to my Dills.

Please always be my life partner!
Themoonisdown

PS The Cullens sent me this rad picture and birthday poem they wrote* just for you!

We dress like this for ALL special occasions

We dress like this for ALL special occasions

When you open your presents, try not to hurt your finger,
for the scent of blood, Jasper can’t stand to linger,
and if Edward throws you ON TOP the table,
you’d better be ready, willing and able
cause he’s 107**, and oh so pure,
but you my dear, are his only cure!
So have some cake, some ice cream too,
and know that us Cullens all love you !

Happy Birthday UC,
The Cullens (your future in-laws)

*major thanks to the lovely Kristin for helping a writers blocked Moon with this awesome poem!
** we debated if it was 107 or 108 so uh someone set us straight!

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Bad case of lovin' Dr. Cullen

We haven’t posted a fan letter in awhile on LTT and have never posted a letter to Carlisle. It’s high time the Doctor gets some lovin’ too!

damages_facinelliDear Dr. Cullen-

Alright. This isn’t easy for me…. but I think it needs to be said.

I love you.

I was in denial for a long time. I thought Edward was the only vampire for me. You were a father figure to me while I read the books, and I loved you, but in a completely non-sexual kind of way. You were kind of Dumbledore-esque— a wise, mysterious older man that has all the answers and an incredible gift for what he does.

But then… somewhere in the wee morning hours of November 21st 2008, you pushed your way through that emergency room door and into my pants heart. It hit me like a ton of bricks…. Being in my early 20’s myself, I thought—realistically—who would I rather have: a 17 year old virginal vampire, or a 23 year old vampire doctor with 300+ years of *ahem* “life” experience, known for his unparalleled compassion and being extreme skillful with his hands?

dr-cullenSo Carlisle, I just can’t help myself. I want to have bed breaking, house crushing, mind-blowingly awesome vampire sex with you!! (Even if it means a half human half vampire baby will break my spine and eat its way out of my body…).

I mean, what’s one night of lust with a Twilight fan when you’ve got eternity?! Seriously?!?! I’ll have a chat with Esme if you want me to. I’m sure she won’t mind. Hell, Esme could come too! As long as she promised never to wear that stupid hat from the baseball scene again (Let’s not lie, it made her head look a good 6 inches taller than any normally proportioned head should be… not to mention it brought attention to her *ahem* “extraordinarily realistic wig”).

Furthermore, based on the amount videos montages of you I’ve seen set to Sexyback and Doctor Doctor, I know that I’m not the only one with these feelings. If you won’t indulge me with one night of pleasure… then I will ask you this:

Since you’ve lived through the entire history of modern medicine… do us all a favor, and spend the next 100 years as a gynecologist.

Carlisle Cullen, OBGYN. I think it has a nice ring to it.

Call me!

-Schön Duck

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A birthday party with the Cullens

Dear Moon,

Tonight, the Cullen family cordially invites you over to their home to celebrate your birthday.  I know you don’t like surprises, so I snooped around to see what gifts the family was going to surprise you with and I have some advice:

carlisleesmeCarlisle is going to let you get any medical procedure at 10% off (Tues-Fri. only) although he is willing to “change you” for free. He also offered to introduce you to his son….

Esme promises to hug you often, but more gentle than any other member of the family. And if you were to hit if off with that son that Carlisle mentioned, she is offering free advice on being intimate with a vampire…

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edwardEdward promises to lend you his jacket for the evening as well as hitch your leg over his hip.

If that’s not good enough, you can take a spin in his volvo- I hear the seats go all the way back, if you know what I’m saying. (This is where Esme’s advice will come in handy!) Remember to take your birth control pill!

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_rosalie_haleRosalie has graciously offered to stay out of your way for most of the evening. She also has promised to keep her jealousy of you under wraps.

And that pesky little girl who follows Edward around? Bella something…? Well, Rose promises to be a fake lesbian with her for the night so you and Edward have some alone time (Wait.. is the fake lesbian theme in the Twilight Saga at all? Cuz the lines between twi-reality & our blog-reality are blurring…)

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emmettcullenBear hugs are Emmett’s specialty, and he loves giving them out. Watch out though- he might get a little frisky and try to turn them into “special hugs.”

After your done with his hugs, ask him to read you his favorite Bible story- the one about Samson.  He can’t get enough of Bible characters with superhuman strength!

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Alice-Cullen-twilight-movie-2185809-800-600Besides Edward, Alice is going to be the best thing about your birthday party! Not only will Alice tell you whether or not you’ll need that ‘intimacy with a vampire’ advice from Esme, but she’ll let you know what other presents Edward is surprising you with (ya know, just so you know how much you need to thank him)

Not sure what to wear tonight? No prob! Alice will be at your house 1 hour early with 2 bags full of high-end designer options. Plus she’ll do your hair & your make-up…..! You’re gonna look so smokin’ at this party that Rosalie won’t stick by her promise to keep her jealousy in check- plus Emmett & Jasper are gonna be begging Edward for details on your two…. (no pressure…)

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JasperHaleUh, Jasper won’t be there. He isn’t invited to birthday parties anymore…. the last one didn’t go so well…

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Enjoy your night! Happy birthday! Remember.. I’m the first to know all hook-up with Edward details!

XO,
UnintendedChoice

PS: See what Rob & The Quad did for Moon’s big day over at Letters To Rob

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