Red Riding Hood or Twilight or just plain awesomely awful? I can’t decide

(Total spoilers ahead if you really wanted to see Red Riding Hood unspoiled)

Director of Twilight you say???

Dear Catherine Hardwicke,

Sooooo I saw your latest movie Red Riding Hood on Saturday and let me just say WOW. And then I’m going to follow that with WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???!!!!!?!?! My friend and I decided to hit up a matinee of Red Riding Hood based on an interesting trailer and our love for cute boys in fantasy type films. We smuggled in some Haribo and Diet Cokes and it was ON. The opening credits rolled and we both turned to each other and said “what movie are we watching?” Cause the opening sequence could have been lost footage from the first Twilight film, all that was missing was that Black Ghosts song and Charlie picking Bella up in the squad car. BUUTTT what do you know ol Charlie I mean… whatever Billy Burke’s character’s name is was THE DAD! Anyway, so you love a good overhead helicopter shot of snowy woods on mountain tops, I can understand that and really the Twilight rip off aren’t the issue. When we’re only 5 minutes into a film and the audience is openly laughing out loud at what’s supposed to be a dramatic movie, you know something has gone horribly wrong. The last time I saw a movie where people laughed out loud like this was Crossroads with Britney Spears in the early 2000′s. Yikes! And yet again we turned to each other but this time it was my pal saying “this is really awful, isn’t it?” Um, yea pal it is AWESOMELY AWFUL! We’re talking Syfy Channel level of awesomely awful! It was like we were watching The Village meets Ring of Nibelungs meets Twilight.
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Say it! Out Loud! SAY IT: Fairey Tale!

The Twilight similarities could go on for days beyond the opening title sequence and Billy Burke being the Dad to the insane amount of close ups of the eyes to the werewolf looking like a first draft of the New Moon wolves to the MEADOW scene with Amanda Seyfried and Edward #2 (he was second in line for Edward after Rob!) to the love triangle to the “say it out loud” part to werewolves to the “specially abled kid.” Ok, so there wasn’t a specially abled kid in Twilight, unless you consider BooBoo/Seth special.
.
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Now why don't you try acting more like ME this time...

I won’t even go into the REALLY awkwardly sexual town dance sequence (that I’ve since reenacted twice for friends) but that’s about the moment I had an epiphany. Red Riding Hood is really the film adaptation of your cougar lady Ren. Faire Harlequin romance novel fan fic you wrote on vacation last year. Cause who really has names like Valerie and Cesaire and Henry and Suzette and Claude if they’re not in a Fanfic or Soap Opera? After I realized THAT it all made sense… the main character was a blond who gets it on with a guy who was almost Edward who has a dad who wakes up in a pile of his own vomit and has a slutty mom. It was YOUR version of Twilight with YOU as the main character… only sadly you are less Aman anda Seyfried and more a younger version of the Grandma. (sad trombone)
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Don't worry Cathi... I mean grandma it's only FREEZING COLD SNOWING outside

Now my only other question remains: is there a lurid audition tape of Shiloh Fernandez and Amanda Seyfriend (Amandiloh? Shiman?) you’re going to hold over theirs heads, refer to and pull out anytime you do press for movies other than Red Riding Hood in the future?

Yup, I thought so.

Still LOL-ing,
Themoonisdown
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Follow the cut for more questions and observations from Red Riding Hood. I really just couldn’t fit all the awesome into one post
Continue…

93 Commented


Shocker! It’s a Saturday Post: Red Riding Hood Contest

Dear Catherine Hardwicke,

We’re hard on you sometimes- what with all your constant talk of Robsten & crazzzzzyyyyyy hair & outfits, but I gotta admit. I kinda want to see “Red Riding Hood.”

But that’s not even the shocker, Mr. Choice, my darling indie-film loving, Twilight-hating (yet Catherine respecting) husband asked me last night if the movie was out yet, because even HE wants to see it. Um, what is happening!?

Anyway, we get notifications about contests & such ALL the time and generally ignore them because they are lame. But this one is pretty awesome. This website I JUST learned about, Plum Willow, where you create outfits based on stuff you find on the site, is doing a simple contest where you create an outfit around the red cape from the movie & win a pretty decent prize pack from the film. It’s PERFECT if you, like me, are intrigued by this movie (Is it because the guy looks really hot??) or if you don’t care, pass it on to someone else. I know you know someone who is interested. It’s The Little Red Riding Hood. And WOLVES (NOT Bears) plus a HOT GUY.

Check out the Contest!

Happy Weekending!

Love,
UC & Moon

PS: Mr. Choice just walked in & asked what I was doing. I confessed I mentioned him in today’s letter. He clarified why he “wanted” to see the movie. He said he just likes to go to movies & he knows that’s something we could both agree on. Since obviously I’d want to see it since it has something sort-of to do with Twilight. I also think he has a secret crush on Amanda Seyfried. Or maybe the Wolf. He is Team Jacob!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

17 Commented


The Crystal Ball of Twilight – What does the future hold?

In the year 2000000000

Dear Twilight,

I was just reading this lovely Hollywood Reporter post yesterday about your movie studio, Summit’s money woes in trying to get their business refinanced. Now, of course we don’t know anything about how this all works and how money is made and spent and financiers but UC and I got to talking after I sent her the link. She asked me if, after all this Twilight stuff, after all it’s success, after all the clams it made and after all the stuff we went through, if I could imagine if Summit folded. I honestly laughed thinking it might just be the best ending for this whole thing. Of course I don’t wish any ill will and hope they keep on making shiz, but it made me laugh and also made me think about the future of the rest of the cast, people involved and Stephenie herself . Our conversation made me think of one of my favorite Conan O’Brien skits called “In the Year 2000” where he and a guest would dress up in weird futuristic space capes and talk about what will happen in the future while they held flashlights pointed at their chin. Amazing. Of course.

So let’s fast forward to the year 2000 and see what happens after Summit folds and Twilight the movies are no more…

Rob quits acting and moves into into a hovel with TomStu where they form a Jackson Rathbone/100 Monkey’s-esque performance troupe and tour the country side of small eastern block european countries. They are begged by the Russian government to be specimens in a body odor experiment

Kristen moves to the the way west valleto take over her mom’s wolf hybrid breeding business with her life partner

After being dumped by every goodie two shoes in Hollywood, Taylor Lautner vows to a life of celibacy and becomes the Christian Tom Cruise

Catherine Hardwicke is finally blackballed from every major media outlet after continuing to rant on about the Robsten audition tape long after no gave a crapsten anymore. She moves to Puerto Vallerta to meet some groovy Mexican beach bums and films her passion project: a documentary about the creator of the Margarita

Stephenie Meyer lets loose and bares her shoulders while on a weekend wine tasting trip WITH US to Napa. Oh yes, she starts drinking. Who wouldn’t after all this?

Ashley Greene will become the next Jennifer Aniston complete with wildly popular tv series, a string of movies where she plays the same character (herself), a failed marriage to Joe Jonas/Kellan Lutz/whoever and spends her days jetting to Mexico thinking about her cats and “the one that got away” (Spoiler: Jackson Rathbone).

Tips welcome!

Jackson Rathbone runs away to join the circus as a one-man-band after he learns that Ashley Greene (aka “The one that got away) is marrying Joe Jonas/Kellan Lutz/Whoever.

Justin Chon becomes the biggest movie star in the world!

Big Daddy – After becoming a contestant on The Biggest Loser and getting his butt kicked by new trainer and LTT reader Olivia he becomes the Subway/Jared-esque spokesperson for McDonalds new GRILLED fish sandwich.

Solomon Trimble – Yea, I just don’t think I can make a manager at the Home Depot joke. He ran away to Puerto Vallerta with Cathi to be her pool boy / key grip / Margarite pour-er.

Xavier Samuel will still be hot.

Dakota Fanning will win her 239th consecutive Homecoming Queen title even thought she will have graduted decades prior.

So what started out as an innocent convo about what the hale is happening with this refinancing turned into something we just had to share. Because really WHAT will they be doing after Twilight is all over… your guess is as good as ours!

In the year two thouuuuusaaaaaand!
Themoonisdown

66 Commented


Year in review and our 2011 Twilight Resolutions!

Dear LTT-ers,

We started a tradition when we first began this blog in 2008 by making resolutions for the year ahead. We made plans for ourselves and the blogs and have kept tract of our progress. It’s amazing how many we’ve made happen and how many we’ve failed miserably on. So of course it’s New Year’s Eve 2010 and time to revisit our 2010 resolutions and make our resolutions for the next year…

Our 2010 Resolutions…

1. Actually get ON the red carpet at the Eclipse premiere and not be standing across the street trying to figure out if that’s Rob’s hair or Mike Welch on stilts that the girls are screaming for. Verdict = half FAIL!

While we weren’t OFFICIALLY on the red carpet to interview or represent the fans we were VERY close, close enough to tell it was definitely Rob and NOT Mike Welch. We even had a gaggle of LTT-ers there in multiple locations so we had ALL angles covered. Sadly, we did not get to interview anyone to ask what they order at the Olive Garden BUT there’s always next year! 2011!!
Moon/UC: .5 People Who Want Us to Fail: .5

2. Get a picture with Kaleb Nation to commemorate meeting him instead of running into him accidentally while looking for a bathroom and then totally forgetting to get a picture since we were too busy thinking about not peeing our pants. Verdict = FAIL!

So we meet up with Kaleb like 320489324 times this year: DVD release, Eclipse Con, Premiere. but NO pic. We even got pictures with the girls from The Twilight Lexicon and Larry 411 and yet no TwiGuy. FAIL!  Those moments will live on in our hearts forever though.
Moon/UC: .5 People Who Want Us to Fail: 1.5

3. Watch Ashley Greene’s sex tape when she inevitably makes one and live blog it… blow by blow… um, that’s what she said? Verdict = FAIL!

Since Ashley’s with Joe Jonas this might actually be more like live blogging their couples bible study video or his coming out video at next year’s Pride…
Moon/UC: .5 People Who Want Us to Fail: 2.5

4. Meet Stephenie Meyer and not have her call the police on us Verdict = WIN x a gabillion!!!

We all know how this turned out… I think we can forget the rest and say 2010 was a huge WIN for LTT based on this alone!
Moon/UC: 1.5 People Who Want Us to Fail: 2.5

5. Take it up a notch with our video skills & perhaps write a theme song for them. Verdict = WIN!

We did have “In the car with UC” but never did upload “Under the Loquat Tree with Moon” (which does exist… in my yard). We did have videos from our meeting with Stephenie (in our hotel room), from the premiere, getting interviewed on tv, video for VH1 that never aired, and some others…
Moon/UC: 2.5 People Who Want Us to Fail: 2.5

tie ball game folks…..

6. Only see New Moon and Eclipse in the theater in numbers below the teens – This goes for Eclipse as well… When the popcorn guy knows you by name it’s time to seek help and a shock collar. Verdict = WIN!

I only saw Eclipse 1 and 3/4ths times in the theater and UC saw it twice! So we WIN!
Moon/UC: 3.5 People Who Want Us to Fail: 2.5

Preparing for the fall out

7. Host a peace summit in Copenhagen between big name players in the Robsten vs Nonsten world and decide if we can all finally get along. Maybe if we come to an agreement we can sing we are the Rob together. Verdict = FAIL!

SO fail… we all know how that went down, UC got called a Nonsten devil, I was called everything under the sun, people were sued, people quit being friends, nasty things were said all over the interwebs. And nothing was resolved expect for Robsten vs Nonsten arguably being resposible for taking the fun out of the fandom. World peace may not actually be possible. If they stayed together or they broke up… it would just get uglier. So much so we may need to build a fall out shelter from the war that will ensue between the Krisbian suicide bombers and the Rob fans (they need a better name). We gotta be prepared and think ahead. In fact that’s the new fandom motto and we’re not talking tents and autograph books. We’re talking gas masks and bullet proof vests cause shit will get REAL REAL when that happens.

This resolution was SO fail, in  fact, NO ONE got  a win.
Moon/UC: 3.5 People Who Want Us to Fail: 3.5

8. We promise to continue to be controversial. We started writing thus blog because we couldn’t’ believe the lameness of the fandom. We still can’t. So we’ll continue to call it as we see it by KIR, you know: Keeping it Real. Verdict = WIN!

Done and done!! We kept it so real everyone got called names not just us. Whew.
Moon/UC: 4.5 People Who Want Us to Fail: 3.5

9. Meet Big Daddy Lautner. Tell him we love him more than the entire cast combined and would love to have a conversation over a Filet O Fish. Try not to act surprised when he has NO idea who we are. Verdict = FAIL!

This is the saddest fail of my life cause all  of that is true, we’re not even joking in that resolution. We just want to have a heart-to-heart over breaksticks and endless salad with Big Daddy. We want him to give us life advice, to tell us which label carries the best Big and Tall collection, to find out if he’s mastered making the Filet o Fish at home, to watch “the game,” to tell us which fast food app is the best. This is yet another reason we need to get on that carpet for Breaking Dawn, the off chance we would get to meet Big Daddy. That, or I need to step up my Olive Garden game. There are still a few locations in LA county I haven’t been to. New Year’s Day 2011!!
Moon/UC: 4.5 People Who Want Us to Fail: 4.510. Roll out our new blog design. Yes, yes we are finally getting rid of the old look and moving over to join the forum on our very own server space. Verdict = WIN!

WIN WIN WIN! This may have taken us till June to roll out and we may have been hacked by some losers in BFE and it may have it’s moments we want to strangle it and we may spend many Sunday mornings fixing it but it happened and we couldn’t be happier!

So let’s get on to our resolutions for 2011!

HAHAHA I love fan posters!!

1. Breaking Dawn Part 1 (and 2) RED CARPET! – Our next logical step would be to be ON the carpet officially. We need to be close enough to count Mike Welch’s nose hairs, to see if our gaydar is pinging correctly on a few people AND to offer a prayer of protection and success for Kellan. He’s appreciate a laying on of hands in the middle of the carpet. This is one of our last chances to make this happen. Come on cosmic justice of the universe, don’t fail us now!!!

2. Meet Big Daddy – We’re gonna carry this one over from last year because our blogging life really can’t be complete without meeting the man, the mystery, the legend behind Taylor Lautner. We promise to spring from the cannolli for dessert if we get to meet sir!

3. Make another appearance at this year’s Comic Con in San Diego. 2009 Comic Con was a blast: throwing elbows, seeing all the new footage from NEW MOON (wow, that was forever ago). With Breaking Dawn being filmed NOW you know there’s gonna be something good at this summer’s Comic Con and we aim to be there!

Your turn Moon!

4. Since UC got to meet and interview Jackson Rathbone and be bequeathed the most unfortunate name of: Superfan, Moon too must undergo the embarrassment of being called  Twilight Superfan in 2011 by interviewing Kellan Lutz or another 2nd tier cast member.

5. Host another LTT blow out shin dig during the premiere week of Breaking Dawn Part 1! Preferably with karaoke because “Back to December” will NEVER sound as good as it would at an LTT party after drinking Cougarita’s or Mr. Choice’s special concoction called “Bella’s Blood.”

6. Infiltrate the set of Breaking Dawn for some sort of exclusive access. If Summit or the paparazzi or the people of Baton Rouge won’t bring it to us, we’ll just have to go get it ourselves. Good thing our passports are current, just in case we need to be ready to roll with Summit/Stephenie/Bill Condon/Big Daddy/Kellan or whoever invites us for a visit.

THE bed

7. Go to Venice Beach, break into Cathi’s groovy beach pad and steal THE AUDITION TAPE so that we can finally put to rest her claims of their amazing chemistry for what it really is: 2 awkward young adults making out on an old ladies bed while she tapes it.

Ok, so do you think we can do these? Are we gonna full of WIN next December 2011 or are the people who want us to fail going to be rejoicing? Only time will tell.

Happy New Year!!!!
Moon and UC

What are your New Year’s resolutions?

BUSINESS TIME!
Oh- We don’t want to forget to tell you, starting January 3rd the Biggest Loser challenge on the Forum (renamed “Resolutionary Challenge 2011″) is kicking off: Make sure you join everyone if you’re looking for fun, encouragement & healthy living in 2011!!! Resolutionary Challenge 2011

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

33 Commented


What (should have) happened in the Twilight world in 2010

Dear Twilight,

Since it’s that time of year when we start to wrap up 2010 and think about 2011, I was thinking about recapping the past year of Twilight. But then I thought to myself, “Wow… how incredibly boring, UC. Anyone who is a reader of LTT knows exactly what happened in the world of Twilight in 2010 and exactly when it happened (and probably what they were wearing at the time).” So I thought, why don’t I recap what should have happened in 2010? We’re all about the fanatical fantasy here at LTT, so why stop now? I give you: Twilight in 2010: What should have happened!

The 100 Monkeys broke up. As a result the Goodwill received an onslaught of “Monkey bags,” and past concert goers stopped fleeing to their Doctors complaining of ‘bleeding ears”

Kellan came out of the closet. Then went to Christian Gay camp & learned how to resist the urge. Then was caught at the Eco-lodge with a man. Coincidentally it was his counselor from Christian Gay camp.

Swiftner became a bigger celeb couple than Robsten. A Karate video was produced to a country music soundtrack, selling more than Justin Bieber’s latest album. A pre-teen war ensued. A lot of Jonas Brothers sleeping bags were destroyed. I think. Do tweens still like the JoBros?

BigDaddy realized that the Olive Garden is much better when UC & Moon are there to share his breadsticks. TWSS.

Midnight Sun was finished and as a result, for a full 12 hours, not a woman over the age of 10 was seen in public.

The media & public realized Robsten are a really boring couple (Is it “Robsten are?” or “Robsten is”? Is this in the dictionary somewhere? “How do you properly formulate a sentence using the plural form of Robsten?” Does anyone know? Do you think Summit knows? Do you think they have a guy in their office just to grammatically correct all the “Robsten” sentences they write? Most importantly, how does the CEO address Robsten when he makes photo-shopped manips of the two of them to send to his wife on humpday?

“TwiPorn” and “RobPorn” went back to their original meanings: Pictures of Twilight male characters doing chores around the house. Much more boring, much more safe for work, plus you feel better about yourself after seeing Peter Fach vacuuming instead of opening an email attachment to see Kellan holding a huge scholong with the caption “Bite this.”

Catherine Hardwicke made a movie that looked nothing like Twilight

DILF mustard pants chris weitz

These pants will be EVERYWHERE this spring

Chris Weitz showed up in public again to introduce his men’s fashion line called “DILF,” featuring a limited edition mustard-colored pant

Rob’s head was not photo-shopped onto the bodies of any men who also do gay porn.

Stephenie called Pancho “Nacho” in public. Coincidentally they were eating Mexican at the time.

Someone finally admitted visiting Forks is actually kinda boring.

Ashley Greene hooked up with Ian Somerhalder reminding us that what she does best is sleep with men we could never get and bringing more pretty into our lives & giving us (more) excuses to write about Ian.

I mean, is it just me or was 2010 a pretty boring year for the cast? We had a little Swiftner. I think Nikki Reed probably slept with a douche bag. Kellan hooked up with Anna-Lynne again. Jackson fell in love with me, the Twilight Superfan, in Philadelphia & Boo-Boo Stewart’s voice dropped 3 whole notes, but I think that’s it. No one even cares about Ashley & Joe Jonas. Catherine barely tried to remind us that she created Robsten. For as much shit as he talked on Twi before he got the Eclipse directing gig, David Slade turned out to be really boring. Solomon Trimble’s life is kinda too sad to even make fun of anymore, and Chris Hansen and Boo-Boo Stewart jokes just aren’t as funny as they were with Taylor Lautner. Come on Twilight in 2011, you BETTER give us SOMETHING good!

Love,
UnintendedChoice

What did I miss? What else (should have) happened in the world of Twilight in 2010!?

Oh- We don’t want to forget to tell you, starting January 3rd the Biggest Loser challenge on the Forum (renamed “Resolutionary Challenge 2011″) is kicking off: Make sure you join everyone if you’re looking for fun, encouragement & healthy living in 2011!!! Resolutionary Challenge 2011

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

53 Commented


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