Hey Twilight, Let me introduce you to these things called cell phones!

Even this thing would have worked

Dear Twilight,

Don’t you think a lot of the mishaps in the Twilight books and films could have been circumvented if these people had cell phones? I mean the books came out in 2006, I’m pretty sure most of us at least had some sort of cheesy flip phone or one of those nokia bricks still. Couldn’t the Cullens with infinite resources, enough to procure a car that wasn’t even in production, spring for the family plan at AT&T?

The Cullen's or Robert Pattinson in 30 years?

Is it just because they’re so old? It’s like my grandparents who leave the house and forget their cell phone and then wonder why no one calls… it’s because we did call but your phone was at home sitting next to the phone ON THE WALL!!! I gotta believe that old vampires who are super into cars and flying around and whatnot would be all about technology… I mean they can’t even sleep what else would you do at 3am besides vacillate between Fruit Ninja and Instagram?

What ever happened to this phone?! Did she get a replacement?

If Charlie put Bella on his family plan and gave the girl a cell he probably could have gotten ahold of her one of the fifty times she ran away and left a note. Sure you don’t have to answer it but you can trace that shit! And what girl in her right mind in 2011 (or 2006ish) is gonna leave home with the celly? Nevermind you might miss a call from EDWARD the hottest dude alive who likes you, who’s going to be driving late at night on slick roads in Forks with crazies chasing you and not have a cell? That’s just common SAFE sense.

This moment = in the top 3 dumbest things Edward ever did

Also what if (movie) Edward hasn’t been a dumbass and crushed his phone before flying off to get himself killed by the Volturi, maybe Bella could have gotten ahold of him and been like “dude, you just got punk’d by Jacob, I’m not dead, don’t do anything stupid like try to commit Vampire suicide. Now get back to Forks and do me cause it’s pretty clear you love me hard.” That’s totally what she’d say. We could have totally saved all those carbon emissions they burned off flying to Italy then stealing a gas guzzling car, letting it idle and then ditching it? This isn’t even a safety or stupidity issue, now it’s a GREEN issue! Capt. Planet would be so disappointed.

Yo Bella, shit's about to go down!

Or imagine if Alice and Jasper had a cell while they were off traipsing through South America looking for Nahuel (did I even spell that right? Sometimes I forget he exists). The could have called once they found him and said don’t do anything stupid we found some proof that Renesmee isn’t an abomination unto the Volturi and we can sorta prove it and maybe people won’t die. But no, we have to convene the UN of vampires and have a non showdown in the Cullen’s backyard all because no one could commit to a two year contract with a mobile carrier of their choice. D-U-M-B.

Can you hear me now??

Srsly, is it things like that make you crazy when you read the books or even watch the movies? This is like another level version of the blue shirt/khaki shirt for me. I mean I GET IT why they’re not really used but COME ON!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTRThe ForumTwitterThe Store

65 Commented

A letter to the Cullens, Corner shop owners:

From time to time I forget about the Cullens. In a world of Rob and Robsten and Taysten and Big Daddy, it’s easy to forget we actually liked the Cullens first. But this letter reminded me today of those vampires we all fell for so very long ago:

Dear Cullen family,

Every once in a while I drive by your corner market and deli. I know it’s yours because

  1. you named it after yourself.
  2. I think you probably have a little entrepreneurial spirit in you.
  3. It makes perfect sense that you’d move from Forks to Portland Oregon – stay where the weather suits you… and
  4. You like to keep a low profile and what’s lower than a corner grocery in a somewhat seedy part of town?

What I’ve been wondering is who’s minding the store? (No, I’ve never stopped in to see. I’m not sure about the neighborhood and, more importantly, how would I explain my reaction to my daughters and husband if Edward happened to be behind the counter? I’m just pretending that my husband doesn’t think I’m crazy already.)

I went through each person in your family, debating on who I’m most likely to run into:

Run the family business? No way! I'm too busy being a Doctor & having very unfortunate hair

Carlisle – Well obviously, no.  I mean you’re busy as a Dr. I’d be more likely to run into you at my job at the hospital (oh please, please come sauntering through my door in your white lab coat a la Twilight!)

Esme – There’s no way. As you can see, the building has no architectural integrity to it whatsoever. If you ever got close to it I’m sure it would be much more aesthetically pleasing. I mean, there are bars on the windows and the paint on the sign is chipping away!

Jasper – While you would be helpful in soothing the minds of all the potential armed robbers that come waltzing through the doors I think that trying to control all of those out of control emotions would eventually overwhelm you. Then we’d have a highly trained soldier with a nervous breakdown who also happens to like to snack on human blood on our hands. Low profile gone. Why don’t you stay away from that store Jasper, just a friendly suggestion.

You should have SEEN the customer's outfits today, Bella. There was flannel & pull-overs and... oh... you would've fit right in...

Alice – Well, you could definitely have everyone’s purchases bagged and ready for them when they walked through the door but I think that having to face all of those poorly dressed customers would drive you crazy. So there, you and Jasper both gone crazy – I think we’ve established that neither one of you should get anywhere near that place.

Edward – Oh how I wish you were tending the store, Edward. But then again, maybe not. I might be embarrassed to have you see what I’m purchasing and, since you can read minds, there’s no way I could sneak that emergency pack of tampons in with the random gum, milk and motor oil I’m piling on the counter to distract you. Plus, I just don’t think you could hold it together with all of the customers coming in and out with their mundane and pedestrian thoughts assaulting you all day. You’d definitely lose your cool and toss one out the front door.

Bella – Well, to put it simply, if Edward wasn’t there you’re certainly not going to be there! Not that I can blame you.  Plus, you’ve already worked retail at Newton’s Outfitters so I think you’ve put in your customer service time. Whew, you dodged a bullet!

Rosalie – Are you kidding? There’s no way in hell you’d be caught dead working retail at Barneys, much less some disgusting little corner store that serves the sweaty and uncouth masses. I don’t even know why you’re on this list of considerations!

I give them one look at these abs and the customers buy extra cans of Spam!

Emmet – Yep, it’s totally you, isn’t it? You’re gregarious and big. Perfect for laughing and joking so that the gawkers become repeat customers and the potential robbers are scared away since they know you’d totally kick their ass. You’ve probably made friends with half the locals by this time, haven’t you? In fact, you’re probably having so much fun that someone needs to keep you in line. Oh! So Rosalie is there! Sorry Rose. That’s what happens when you fall for a big goof. Just stay in the back and don’t rip out anyone’s throat ok? You’ll have to move on in a few more years and hopefully it’ll just fade into a bad memory.

Well, I’ve figured it out…Now I just have to figure out how to hold it together when I make an impromptu visit and not blow your cover.

Thinking about what kind of sandwich I might order from the deli,


Of COURSE I googled this place and of COURSE they have a Yelp page & turns out Sarah was wrong about all of the above. According to one reviewer, the guy running the place is “an over-reacting Asian.” I’m guessing college didn’t work out for Eric Yorkie & The Cullen’s hired him to run their family biz. BIG Thumbs up to the first person who writes a Cullen’s Corner Yelp Review and mentions THE Cullens!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

30 Commented

News on Breaking Dawn Production aka NO news on Breaking Dawn Production!

Dear Twilight and well, Breaking Dawn I suppose…

Today two posts came out referencing news behind the production of Breaking Dawn. While a few months ago we all thought making BD was a foregone conclusion and Summit was just waiting for New Moon to shatter box office records to make it official it’s been almost a month and a half since New Moon’s release and still no announcement. Since news on the twi front has been about as sparse as smiles at a KStew photoshoot, so any sort of news to come out will indefinitely make waves. But after reading both posts from the bitchtastic Ted C and a dude in his mom’s basement in North East Philly we learn… exactly… NOTHING. Why yes, it’s like a Robsten rumor… a lot of drama, a lot of words, a lot of retweets, a lot of “maybe’s” but no actual substance or truth. Someone at the LA Times spoke with producer Wyck Godrey and got this bit of totally evasive information regarding the splitting of BD into two films  “…If it’s not organic, I don’t think it will be done, and if it is, it will be…” Wow, heavy.

Breaking Dawn = tons more creepy images made by fans!

So we still don’t know if it will be made into two films (please say yes), whether Summit will hire geneticists to create a human vampire hybrid in their lair of doom (aka studio offices in Santa Monica) to play Renesmee, whether Taylor Lautner will in fact act out imprinting on a newborn baby, if Nikki Reed and KStew can patch up their differences long enough to play convincing as frenemies on screen, will Jacob and Leah spend 3/4ths of the movie running around the perimeter of the Cullen’s house “on patrol” thus reenacting the most boring parts of BD, will there be a behind the scene documentary on the making of Isle Esme which features all the “fade to black” scenes they cut out?

Sooooo many questions and ZERO answers.

Find out what we DO know about Breaking Dawn after the jump

240 Commented

Buttcrack Santa writes US a letter!

*Here’s a first! Buttcrack Santa himself (non canon character infamously in the Twilight movie) has written us a little letter and you might be surprised that he’s alive and well and terrorizing little children this Christmas… he wants to share a little bit with you. Enjoy!*

My idea of a good night

Dear LTT readers and my loyal Buttcrack Santa Fans,

It’s a widely circulated rumor that I died in Twilight the movie at the hands of those jerkoff nomadic vampaires who jacked up my boat when in reality they just took my shit and then left me in that super sketchy boat marina while they went to find those losers the Cullens who as it turns out were playing BASEBALL in some field. And here’s a little secret for you, those Cullen kids, they’re VAMPIRES like those other jerkoffs. Vampires playing baseball? What the ef is that about? So now that I escaped their evil clutches and I have a new lease on life I spend my free days doing whatever I please… somedays I go fishing, somedays I sneak up on Cora, the waitress, and watch her through her apartment window while she’s getting ready for work, other days I dream about the diner’s steak and cobbler and still other days I hang out with “the boys” in Port Angeles since apparently that’s where you go for cheap booze and loose women… or just lost high school girls, either or.

Merry frickin' Christmas!

So since no one really knows what the HALE I do for a living and it IS that time of year again, I’m back at my most favorite job in the world. Yes folks, it’s Christmas time so I’m reprising my most famous role as Forks’ own creep-o store Santa. Affectionately known to you all as: Buttcrack Santa, who some believe says inappropriate things to the kids and may or may not have given underage children little bottles of alcohol instead of those crusty ol candy canes. Tell me, who wants some broke ass candy cane when you can have a little bottle of Peppermint Schnapps? That’s a big DUH right there. Booze and cruise, yall! A shot of Schnapps for the kiddo’s will make that hellacious shopping trip so much better for the parents. So you see I’m doing them a favor. They should be thanking me instead of trying to get me fired. Ungrateful jerks. I may just have to report them to the REAL Santa as “naughty.” See if they like those lump of coals in their stocking instead of a fishing pole or perhaps a… LITTLE BOTTLE?!

Take the cut to read the rest and see Buttcrack Santa’s Christmas Card to you!

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That's it! No more New Moon spoilers!

Twilight New Moon teaser movie posterDear Twilight,

That’s it! I’ve officially drawn the line in the sand. I will watch no more trailers, no more clips on entertainment shows, no more leaked footage on the interwebs. This entire week has been a spoiler lovers dream. And while I love a good trailer, that’s ALL I want is a trailer! Twilight (Summit) You have to make us WANT IT! Make us BEG for it… like a good junky.

Last Saturday I saw the special footage from the Scream Awards (all previously unseen footage), Monday, I watched Bella punch Paul on Access Hollywood, Tuesday I watched the ITunes special clip with the Taylor Lautner intro, Wednesday night I watched the “event” clip and about peed my pants, and then Thursday it was as if the gates to spoiler heaven broke loose with both a Volturi clip AND the much anticipated “break up” scene. I sat in the chair at the salon getting my hairs did watching all the tweets fly by, with people giving our links to the vids, and I was torn. Of course I want to watch it but I also don’t. YET. I called UC because I needed to know I wasn’t alone. And just like usual our heads were in the same place. She didn’t want to see it either. We asked each other at what point do you draw the line? We both want to have “that moment” in the theater on opening night. And we also have have the to remember we blog about Twilight so we have to remain on top of all the news and the new stuff that comes out but what will be left for us to see on November 20th if you keep releasing this stuff?

Savin' me some Jorts for November 20th

Savin' me some Jorts for November 20th

It feels kinda like opening your Christmas presents before the big day. I’ve always been one of those freaks who enjoys delayed gratification. Much to my parents delight I never went snooping, looking for Christmas or birthday gifts when I was younger or even now. What’s the point in knowing weeks in advance what you’re going to get? There’s something to be said for enjoying the anticipation leading up to the big reveal. After all what will be left if they keep releasing clips at this rate? The closing credits or Buttcrack Santa rising from the dead to seek revenge on the Nomadic Vampires (please, God let it be so!!)? Which by the way would be the best gift you could EVER give me and UC. Just sayin’.

So just stop it already!! No more clips, no more spoilers, no more nuttin’. Laugh in my face a week from now when I’m begging for it. That’s what she said! But I’ll thank you come midnight on November 20th.

Now if only I can find some sort of “Twilight Nicorette” to hold me off till the big day… Hmmm maybe I’ll reread the book!

A reformed junky,

So am I crazy? Does anyone else feel that way? Who’s decided to wait and can we be accountability partners? Kellan will supervise.

Get your next fix at The Forum
UC says something funny on LTR

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