Twilosophy: Eclipse vs. New Moon

TwilosophyDear Twilosophy class,

Remember Eclipse? That movie that came out in June? And then was re-released this weekend to “celebrate” Bella’s birthday- aka Summit was disappointed with their box office results because they expected to blow New Moon out of the water and they didn’t? Oh yeah….. That movie.

I’ve been thinking about Eclipse a lot lately. Well, since I heard about the re-released in theaters for Bella’s birthday. I considered going to see it again. By “considered” I mean I laid in bed with my phone right after reading the news in my email & thought, “Maybe I should go” before falling back to sleep, never considering it again.

There’s been some talk around town (aka this 1 blog I read) about why Breaking Dawn Part 1 and Part 2 are releasing a year apart. And I think it’s pretty obvious: There was a year between Twilight & New Moon. And New Moon kicked ASSSSSSSSSS money-wise. When Eclipse came out 7 months later? The opening weekend was down almost HALF (and kids were out of school!) and while it hasn’t been out as long as New Moon, it hasn’t grossed as much. And it probably should have grossed more seeing as the popularity of the saga has only grown. Not that $672,498,560 world-wide gross is a bad thing. I mean I’d take that if I had to.

But the lack of Eclipse “success” makes me feel either worse or better about what I’m about to confess.  I am part of the reason for Eclipse not doing as well as New Moon. Yes, dear LTT readers, I only saw Eclipse two times. I feel bad because because of me, they lost $42.00 ($10.50 x 4). My waist is happy because I consumed 2,520 less calories in the form of popcorn (630 x 4- that’s for real. for a SMALL. I looked it up. BLOG RESEARCH RULES!) But I also feel good because it wasn’t just me who saw Eclipse less. Obviously due to the smaller numbers, the fandom overall did too.

I got thinking about why I didn’t see Eclipse 4 times like I did Twilight and 6 times like I did New Moon. This is what I came up with:

My Kung Fu isn't as strong as I let you think...

Harry Clearwater’s Kung Fu really isn’t that strong

And what I mean is…. the jokes weren’t as funny. Sure, sure – that’s a good thing for Mel Mel Rosenburg who finally wrote a semi not 2nd-hand embarrassing script, but it’s a sad thing for my funny bone- and for yours. I mean- you know what I’m talking about. How many times can we make Mike Newton fat jokes & talk about Charlie Swan’s obvious new-found virginity? If I make one more crack about the eyebrows in this film I think someone might murder me.

There’s such a thing as too much Rob

GASP! I know! I said it. And I don’t really mean it. I could never have too much of that Motha Truckn’ Brit, but it is possible that the Twilight saga, the actors & the story were just too overexposed. Despite the fact that we HATE waiting for the next installment in our beloved story, maybe not waiting as long means we’re not as engaged. We went from New Moon filming to Remember Me filming to movies about Mullets & lesbians to Eclipse filming to NEW MOON then LET DOWN after New Moon then Bel Ami, whatever teen drama/chick flick Taylor filmed once or twice and then ANTICIPATION of Eclipse then finally, ECLIPSE!

The Leg Hitch really wasn’t that good

But when I re-read Eclipse & read that scene, it’s good once again. Why? Because in the book it’s the Bella & Edward of my mind- before I knew who the actors playing them were. And, well, if I’m honest, I’m Bella. And Edward is leg hitching ME. When I watch the scene in the movie, it’s so glaringly obvious that Rob Pattinson aka Edward Cullen is not Leg Hitching ME. Sadface.

You call this boring!?

The minute Tay-Tay turned 18, he got boring

It’s not funny to joke about Chris Hansen anymore- unless we talk about Boo-Boo Stewart and that’s just BLEH. I wish Taylor was forever 17! He was so much more interesting then. At least not be legally allowed to like him gave me a reason to try. And now that I could jump his bones all I want if I had a desire (bleh), I have no interest. So love triangle between Edward, Bella & Taylor Lautner? No thanks.

That’s all I can come up with. And I know I’m not alone. Moon is worse than me- she saw Eclipse 1 and 3/4 times (missed the first bit of her second showing!) and obviously someone else hasn’t seen Eclipse as much as they did New Moon since the box office numbers don’t lie. What is it!? Why is a movie that was so obviously better made, and not to mention my favorite book, so much less desirable than the others?

Andddd Discuss!


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105 Commented

Stacey vs Stacey and the Eclipse Soundtrack

While we’re STILL Fishin’ our friends Stacey & Stacey talk the Eclipse soundtrack (and UC hijacks the conversation once or twice)

Dear Eclipse Soundtrack,

Stacey (East Coast) suggested we review you. I (West Coast Stacey/ snowwhitedrifted) jumped at the chance to be caught in the wake of someone else’s good idea. A little background on us: We are talking out of our a$$es when conducting a music review. Stacey (East Coast) likes the indie band stuff with a bit of sass on the Twilight soundtracks . I, snowwhitedrifted, like the dark/ moody/ indie kind of stuff. Let’s just put that disclaimer in there because we know everyone’s tastes are different. So can 2 graphic designers/ex theater majors offer any insight into the Eclipse soundtrack? Probably not, but we wrote you a letter anyway.

Stacey: Eclipse (All Yours) – Metric: Ahh…Bella’s theme. Girl power anthem just like Paramore’s songs in Twilight. I have been know to skip this one. I am sure the New Moon soundtrack had one of those too, but I only bought the Death Cab For Cutie track on that one. Isn’t the lead singer married to Zooey Deschanel? I think I have a girl crush on her. Wait a sec! I have a replacement band for this one. How about Zooey’s band She & Him. That would be great.
snowwhitedrifted: I skip this one too. But I too love Zooey. Do you think she ever looks in the mirror and sees Katy Perry?
UC: I HATE YOU BOTH. You know I’d go fake lesbian (and probably real) for Emily Haines from Metric ANY DAY.

Stacey: Neutron Star Collision – Muse: I know Stephenie hearts them, but not so much with this girl. But why? I finally realized that they sound like Queen. Seth Green Jr. forced me to watch ESPN when the song We Are The Champions came on with it’s soaring guitars. My three-year old likes it, but she also loves the Wiggles.
snowwhitedrifted: Yup, it’s a Muse song all right.
I’ll see your Wiggles and raise you a Fresh Beat Band.

Stacey: Didn’t Alice say that she was going to give those Fork kids what they want? That means Ludacris or The Black Eyed Peas. Just to hear Mike Newton yell, ” Holla! I need to crunk old dirty South style!” would have made Eclipse magical for me.
snowwhitedrifted: Yorkie totes has Bieber Fever. I mean c’mon , look at the bangs.

Stacey: Ours- The Bravery: Not bad. But for fun, let’s put in Pete Yorn, even Pete Yorn with Scarlett Johannson. ‘Cause I heart him, as much as Stephenie hearts Muse. *cough* Breaking Dawn *cough*
snowwhitedrifted: This one skips in my car, so I don’t listen to it. Wow, I’m down 3 for 3. Good reviewing on my part!

Stacey: Heavy In Your Arms- Florence and the Machine: Amazingly, I have not one smart a** comment about this song. I just like it.
snowwhitedrifted: This is my kind of song. Yearn-y and tragic. Where on earth was it in the movie? Why wasn’t it used when Jacob is carrying Bella? Just a little literal reference for kicks. Oh wait, maybe becaue Bella isn’t heavy. Side note: It could also be the girl’s answer to Timber Timbres’ “Lay Down in the Tall Grass”. I guess I just associate both songs with moving dead bodies.

Stacey: My Love-Sia: Pretty song that makes me think of dead people. You see, Breathe Me by Sia, was the last song of Six Feet Under where the whole cast croaks. Now every Sia song makes me think about that. Funny full circle though. Sia =Six Feet Under=Alan Ball=True Blood=Vampires=Twilight=Sia.
snowwhitedrifted: Great circle, Stace! Awe, the Leg Hitch song. Again, yearn-y and tragic, Love it. It makes me a little sad though, since I really want Edward Bella’s engagement ring.
UC: WHOA 6 feet under spoiler alert people! One of these days I do plan to have a major surgery where I’m going to catch up on all this TV I’ve missed!

More spoilers for TV shows off the air for years after the jump Continue…

57 Commented

Eclipse: Why didn’t we demand MORE

Dear Eclipse,

I have a confession. And it’s difficult to admit. I only saw you once. As of midnight tonight it will be a full 7 days since I’ve last seen your mediocrity brilliance on screen. I’m forgetting the details. Did it look like Sam Uley had eaten four or five donuts before running onto the screen shirtless for the first time? Was Jacob’s kiss with Bella as smooth as I imagine my first kiss with Rob will be? Or was it like my first kiss in 9th grade when Pat Samson’s tongue was shoved so far down my mouth I started to gag while my best friend’s dad looked on, waiting to take me home? Did Bella really not blink or stutter? No…. that can’t be right…And was there really no tweed? Not even a tweed pillow on Edward’s bed? The details.. they’re so foggy…

So while I wait to see you again, I’ve been chatting with some pals about you. At first it was “OMG GAH LEG HITCH LEG HITCH LEG HITCH I’M TIRED.” Then it was, “Man that was a great movie- well, except for the part when….. and then when…. remember how unintentionally funny it was when….” To “Was it really as good as I remember in my mind?” And that’s what we’re here to discuss. Because Lainey Gossip wrote this review, and while it was harsh and mean and a little more snarky than I usually like for something I love so much, it was mostly pretty much correct- especially when she said Kristen’s wig was the same one Taylor wore in Twilight. I know this to be a fact. I had a one-on-one with the wig lady to ask what the crap she was smoking (No I didn’t- but it’s my 2nd biggest dream next to bread-sticks with Big Daddy)

Lainey ends her review with this:

This, then, is the fundamental flaw about this franchise and a question I’ll throw out to fans of it: why don’t you demand more? Why do you keep rewarding garbage? If you love the series, why don’t you insist that they spend more time and money making it better? Why do you continue to support a mickey mouse production that cuts corners and insults your intelligence?

While we all have different experiences & like different things and disagree about what makes “art”, I think we can all agree that the critics don’t like the Twilight saga- maybe you think they’re SO wrong and should go to hell, but you have to admit that there’s a better chance of Butt Crack Santa & Harry Clearwater coming back from the dead to throw a joint block party where they fry fish & provide little bottles for the kids than for Eclipse to be nominated for any sort of legitimate industry award. Harry Potter gets legitimate nominations & the critics rave about the films. Why can’t Twilight be up to that level or caliber? And why don’t we demand it?

I answer all your burning questions after the jump! Continue…

162 Commented

Team Jacob, almost

Things we have in common: Pale, Brown hair & eyes, F*cking Rob Pattinson- oh wait.. nm...

Dear Bella,

I first read about you long before I had a friend to talk about you with, an actress to put a face to your name or a vision of you as a sub or slutty secretary. And I liked you. I related to you- minus the hot vampire boyfriend part. It was to my surprise when I finally got a friend to read about you, that she wasn’t impressed. Not necessarily with the saga- she liked it enough, but she thought you were…. ANNOYING! And WINEY! And unfair to Edward & Jacob. Okay, I can agree with the last part, especially in Eclipse, but I never really had much to complain about you prior to that.

Turns out, a LOT of people really think you went too far with Jacob in Eclipse. Of course those are the people who are 100% Team Edward. There are also those who think you didn’t go far ENOUGH with Jacob. Those people are crazy and we all agree should be locked up (except for Stephenie Meyer, who we’re 97.6% convinced IS Team Jacob. We need her to stay around to never ever finish Midnight Sun or write about Jashley)  I, on the other hand, am also 100% Team Edward, and sure I wasn’t happy about the way you strung Jake along, but on the mountain, after the tent scene, when you beg Jake not to leave and then ask him to KISS you- I’ll admit, I was cheering you on in my head. Of course IMMEDIATELY afterward I felt regret, disgust & guilt, but in the moment I was there with you- urging you on, hoping you slipped a little tongue in, grabbed a hold of his hair and pushed yourself up against him a little harder. I know, I’m a little ashamed of myself.

well.. almost...

So it shouldn’t surprise you that on Tuesday evening when I got to see you and Jacob in PERSON on the big screen, my reaction mirrored the one I had in the book. As the moment drew near, I felt the build in my stomach, the shortening of my breath, the beginnings of a cold sweat running down my back. When you demanded Jacob not leave, a smile crept onto my face. It was at that moment when I was distracted by a movement to my left. Moon, in the seat next to me, COVERED her face with her hand. She spread her fingers slightly so she could view the screen, but her stance was one of fear. We must’ve looked ridiculous with my giddy smile and slight bounce in the seat & Moon’s fear of what we both knew was coming. And then it happened. You asked Jacob to kiss you. And he did. Sloppily, too fast, heads moved too much and I’m not sure I saw the french kiss of my imagination, but it happened. And I yelled with joy along with Team Jacob. And when it was over, I felt the utter shame & humiliation.

I think I understand you. I think I understand your plight. You love them both. I love you with them both. I’d love myself with them both even more, especially if it were at the same time, but that’s for someone to write about and send to me secretly so I can keep it stashed in my secret fan fiction drawer next to my bed. Jacob is perfect for you. Jacob understands you. Jacob would be amazing for your future. But Edward is your soulmate. You and Edward are made for each other. You and Edward fit. (Plus imprinting on a child is weird enough. Let’s not add in Jacob imprinting on a child he MADE with YOU!)

DO IT DO IT! (Even though Bella looks like a wolf here....)

So when Jacob sauntered over to you and brought your face close to his and lowered his lips down on yours, I was chanting “Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!” along with the 12 Team Jacob members in the theater. I knew the consequences of the choice I was making (name that quote) but I yelled it anyway. Well, quietly. Cuz I think Moon had a knife in her purse she would have used on me had I vocalized what was in my head.

So you should know you’re not alone. There are those who feel you chose wrong & should have gone with Jacob, but they are crazy people who sleep with wolf stuffed animals. Then there are those who whole-heartedly knew Edward was the best for you from the beginning, and there is a special place in heaven for them with personal mansions filled with rooms specifically for pillow biting, headboard breaking & egg cooking in the nude. And then there are those like me- who hugged a stuffed animal wolf for like 3 seconds once and had a good time doing it, but then threw it in a blender, turned in into cotton & made some sexy lingerie from it which was promptly removed before breaking headboards, biting pillows & showing Jacob how it’s done with Edward, the only one for you!

So you & I considered the other guy for like a half a second, but we chose right! I got your back, Bella!


So… were you like Team Moon covering your face in horror of what was to come? Or are you joining Team UC where you got excited for a split second for the kiss with the boy that almost was the one?

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181 Commented

Oh heyyyy: We just saw Eclipse!

Sorry all- Eclipse is out- All spoilers ahead!!!

Dear Eclipse,

Oh heyyyy!!!

Where do we start? Do we discuss the hits versus the misses of the movie? Do we talk about all the cheesy one-liners we already know we’re going to be saying for the next year and ½ until we get some new content? Do we talk about how the only thing going through our heads every time HE came on screen was “Oh heyyyyy”

How about we talk about how we want to set up a stool, pull David Slade up on it and give him a huge hug.

Let’s talk about how we love Howard Shore for including the Sia & Metric songs throughout his score.

Let’s be proud we can show our non Twi friends this movie because it actually seems like a “real” movie.

(Let’s squee for a second over the new Harry Potter trailer and also get a little freaked out about how much they gave away!)

Let’s discuss how we got the MOTHER EFFING LEG HITCH!!!

Let’s apologize to Edward for liking the Jacob & Bella kiss a litttttle bit too much

Let’s get Jake some blotting tissues for that last scene when he looks like he’s dying of yellow fever.

For that "fresh off the Jersey Shore" look

Let’s put a call into L.A. Looks, and after thanking them for sponsoring Twilight with their donations of tubs of hair gel, ask them to move some of the allotted product for Taylor & pass it on to Rob to fix his floppy bangs.

Let’s close our eyes and picture OURSELVES as Bella in a world where the guy on the bed is so hot that the gold brocade bedding he’s laying on doesn’t even matter.

Let’s be grateful that most of the Bella/Edward getting-it-on scenes didn’t make us feel like we were watching Robsten preparing for an evening of licking cheese-whiz off each other

Let’s talk about when we can burn down the jewelry store that created Bella’s engagement ring.

Let’s “lay” with Charlie in the Biblical sense because I’m pretty sure he hasn’t gotten any since Renee left.

Let’s call up our local zoo & find out when “pet a wild wolf day” is- because those pups are CUTE! (Or we could just head back down Sunset Blvd where Moon, Mr. Choice & I saw a REAL LIFE WOLF crossing the street last night! It’s a sign. Rob loves me, obviously!)

Let’s get excited for illegal clips to surface online so we can watch Edward get all turned on and imagine we’re Bella but with good hair & a 2 karat solitary diamond ring. HELLO!

Let’s take a second and pout that no one yelled “FREE FRED,” and in fact, no chubby red-headed vampire was spotted at all.

Let’s be momentarily bummed that we didn’t get to see the scene where Alice & Jasper meet in Philadelphia but then swoon over the scene where they share a quick kiss during battle practice.

And let’s be grateful we just realized it’s 7:30 am on the east coast and you’ll all be expected a new letter live in 1/2 hour!

Oh heyyyyy:


What did YOU THINK!????? Gah- we have so much to say. We recorded our convo with @paleochicksdigs & Mr. Choice on our ride home. I can’t wait to see it again because it all went so fast!!!! Sorry if you haven’t seen it yet- today is a day of mucho mucho spoilers!!!!

Source for pics of man who makes us say “Oh heyyyy”

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296 Commented

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