A Harry Potter fan comes to the dark side. And likes it!

(hello lovelies! I am in the midst of moving to a new place so while I’m packing away all my valuable Twilight merchandise, double bubble wrapping the signed Saga and tucking Action Figure Edward into my handbag for the ride over, I’m going to let WickedRed take the reigns today and tell us about her secret friends with benefits relationship with Twilight while being a hardcore Potter fan. Enjoy and light a candle for me that our movers will not lose my jorts and Jacob tshirt! xo- moon)

Sshhh it'll be our little secret...

Dear Twilight,

I don’t know how much longer we can get away with doing this.

It’s only a matter of time before someone discovers the truth and then it’s all downhill from there! I’ll be marked as a traitor! My friends will disown me! Worst of all, he’ll never forgive me.

I’m talking about Harry, of course. Harry Potter.

I know. I KNOW! Stop judging me! You knew his world was part of the deal when you got involved! …I know you two are very different novels and I’m just as sick of the comparisons as you are, okay? But sadly there are enough idiots in the media that think to compare you to Harry simply because you’re both phenomenally popular fantasy novels. It’s caused a rivalry between you two that’s worse than vampires and Death Eaters… I mean, Dumbledore’s Army and the Volturi…. Fuck it. You get the point!

That’s why I’ve got to keep our relationship a secret, you see.

Coventions, huh? Which costume did you wear?

I met Harry and his friends before I was old and wise enough to fill in the S. Meyer’s blanks on Isle Esme. We grew up together. I started looking at his fan sites. Then I started working on a fan site for one of the cast members. I made a network of friends. I traveled to premieres and conventions. CONVENTIONS! I interviewed the cast and crew. It was clear that Harry Potter was the only one of me.

And then, years later, you came along.

Honestly, you had a bad reputation. A BAD reputation. But my best friend, who wasn’t involved with my other escapades and loves you, insisted that I give you a try. I was intrigued. One quick reading through wasn’t really cheating if no one found out, right?

But it wasn’t just a quick read through. It was a serious, this-could-cause-an-obsession connection. It was love. If I were a fan of any other series, it wouldn’t be a problem, but it is. People think I can just tell my hardcore Potter family that I like both series and they’ll accept that. I think these are the same people who still believe that somewhere far far away, unicorns are dancing under an everlasting rainbow high up in the sky. The world is in the midst of a cloaks-on-jorts war, people! Get in step!

Uh, cause these fans have much room to talk!

I’ve noticed it’s pretty much a one-way street, Twilight. Your family lets Harry be, mostly. If you weren’t natural enemies, your crowd might even like him.  If you weren’t stealing his thunder and getting endless comparisons, Harry’s crowd might even like… no, not even then. To be a major part of Harry’s family, hating on you (and your crowd) is practically a requirement. I must admit that I did it myself for quite some time before giving you a chance.

So I read your books without telling anyone. I actually HID them when Potter friends visited. I watched your movies with an alibi prepared (I’ve seen Toy Story 3 like six times!) I claim that all knowledge of the books and films are secondhand, because my mother is a big fan. That’s acceptable, because my mother also watches daytime soap operas.

I’ve tried to divide my obsession time equally between you. I even considered starting a blog called “Letters To Potter” before I realized that I’m not a hack who likes to rip people off.. and I’m really not that funny.

Here’s the problem with this situation: Remember that annoying, confused Bella that you just want to facepunch all through Eclipse? I am her. She is me. Dammit, I’m THAT girl.

It all begins with a choice...

The truth is, Harry Potter will always be my Edward Cullen. The irony of that sentence kills us all. But you, Twilight, you’re my Jacob. Yes, I’m using your plot line to justify that shortcomings in our relationship right now. Sorry.

What I mean to say is this– just because I didn’t fall in love with you first doesn’t mean I want to keep you by my side forever.

Maybe someday they’ll all find out under some crazy circumstance. When that time comes, let them say what they might. I’ve heard it all before! They just don’t understand our love.

In the meantime, will you keep being my sweet literary piece of ass on the side?

Right then. See you tomorrow!

Your Secret Lover,
WickedRed

Oh WickedRed, we love you and your secret love affair with the Twi. Can’t we all just get along though, Twi fans and HP fans, because it seems like the line is blurred A LOT. UC is a HUGE Potter fan, Stephenie herself is a HUGE potter fan and I’ve heard the 1st book (ok, ok sorry I know!) But can’t the Potterheads just live and let live? What say you readers? Are you an HP fan? Can we really get along?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

174 Commented


The Twilight cast visits Belgium. Wait where?

I asked LTT friends Alice & Bella from funny, snarky site NotanAddikt (RIP!) to take meticulous notes when Twilight descended upon Belgium. Yes, that’s right- the land of the waffles, beer and monks got a Twilight actor more famous than Philadelphia did (Sorry Jackson & wolf that came with him) Here is their tale:

Dear Summit,

We don’t know who bribed you into sending Ashley Greene and Xavier Samuel to Belgium, of all places, for the Eclipse premiere, but we sure are greatful. We don’t usually get many US celebrities around here in Belgium. We may be home to the capital of Europe, the best chocolate in the world and a different brand of beer for every day of the year, but the closest we usually get to Hollywood celebrities is when they jet by on their way from London to Paris. We’re not a particularly proud or easily offended nation, so we shrug and turn to YouTube for our Tinseltown fixes. But holy canoly, heavenly forces gathered, planets aligned and Sauron himself must have sent a recommendation letter for Belgium to you, because here they were!

After some resistance from Alice (“I don’t want to go stand between throngs of shrieking teens to see celebrities! I’m better than that!” – she’s such a Bella sometimes) we finally decided to brave the rabid Belgian twihards and purchased tickets for the three-movie marathon in Antwerp that Ashley and Xavier and three-thousand Belgian and Dutch twiteens would attend. (It was the spotting of crazies that finally did Alice in.) We were told that Ash and Xavier would arrive at 7pm, but were recommended to come around 4pm to make sure we got good spots and enjoyed the animation beforehand. Here’s how our day went down…

4:00pm: Alice and Bella are happily shopping in downtown Antwerp.

5:30pm: Alice and Bella are still happily shopping in downtown Antwerp…

6:00pm: Alice and Bella have a long debate about whether to just go for a quick dessert at Wagamama where they had lunch, whether to get another dinner (gotta get that protein in there!), or whether to get their lazy post-menstrual asses to the theatre and just survive on an XL bucket of popcorn and chips.

We obviously had the red mullet special

6:30pm: After half an hour of debating what to do – in which they could have easily had the dang dessert (white chocolate cheese cake with raspberry coulis, y’all) – they realize that it’s just an ordinary weekday for all other normal Belgians, and they’ll be stuck in traffic on the way to the theatre and will likely miss the arrival of Ashley and Xavier (and let’s face it, movie snacks are also deliciously good in all their crappiness).

6:35pm: Alice and Bella hit themselves and each other over the head for their stupidity, while rushing through the supermarket to get big bottles of water to avoid forking out a fortune for expensive tiny diet cokes in the theatre to compensate the excessive salt intake in the near future.

6:45pm: Alice and Bella are stuck in traffic.

Of course an Eclipse poster had to whisk by on a bus to remind us of what we were about to miss

6:50pm: Alice and Bella realize they have never been to the theater in Antwerp, and hence don’t exactly know where it is. Bella works up the balls to ask a bald guy in a convertible where the theatre is at the red light. Bald guy flirts with Alice and Bella. Alice and Bella get directions and take off with screeching tires.

Does Belgium throw an Eclipse event to rival the US!? Find out after the jump! Continue…

103 Commented


Eclipse: Why didn’t we demand MORE

Dear Eclipse,

I have a confession. And it’s difficult to admit. I only saw you once. As of midnight tonight it will be a full 7 days since I’ve last seen your mediocrity brilliance on screen. I’m forgetting the details. Did it look like Sam Uley had eaten four or five donuts before running onto the screen shirtless for the first time? Was Jacob’s kiss with Bella as smooth as I imagine my first kiss with Rob will be? Or was it like my first kiss in 9th grade when Pat Samson’s tongue was shoved so far down my mouth I started to gag while my best friend’s dad looked on, waiting to take me home? Did Bella really not blink or stutter? No…. that can’t be right…And was there really no tweed? Not even a tweed pillow on Edward’s bed? The details.. they’re so foggy…

So while I wait to see you again, I’ve been chatting with some pals about you. At first it was “OMG GAH LEG HITCH LEG HITCH LEG HITCH I’M TIRED.” Then it was, “Man that was a great movie- well, except for the part when….. and then when…. remember how unintentionally funny it was when….” To “Was it really as good as I remember in my mind?” And that’s what we’re here to discuss. Because Lainey Gossip wrote this review, and while it was harsh and mean and a little more snarky than I usually like for something I love so much, it was mostly pretty much correct- especially when she said Kristen’s wig was the same one Taylor wore in Twilight. I know this to be a fact. I had a one-on-one with the wig lady to ask what the crap she was smoking (No I didn’t- but it’s my 2nd biggest dream next to bread-sticks with Big Daddy)

Lainey ends her review with this:

This, then, is the fundamental flaw about this franchise and a question I’ll throw out to fans of it: why don’t you demand more? Why do you keep rewarding garbage? If you love the series, why don’t you insist that they spend more time and money making it better? Why do you continue to support a mickey mouse production that cuts corners and insults your intelligence?

While we all have different experiences & like different things and disagree about what makes “art”, I think we can all agree that the critics don’t like the Twilight saga- maybe you think they’re SO wrong and should go to hell, but you have to admit that there’s a better chance of Butt Crack Santa & Harry Clearwater coming back from the dead to throw a joint block party where they fry fish & provide little bottles for the kids than for Eclipse to be nominated for any sort of legitimate industry award. Harry Potter gets legitimate nominations & the critics rave about the films. Why can’t Twilight be up to that level or caliber? And why don’t we demand it?

I answer all your burning questions after the jump! Continue…

162 Commented


Monday Funnies: A Twilight Engagement

Dear Couple who got engaged at a screening of Eclipse,

Thanks for totally stealing my idea. This is always how I imagined it: my boyfriend in shorts and Airwalks, me in a Team Edward shirt and sweatpants. Him dropping to one knee in front of the concessions girls from the local AMC to declare his undying ETERNAL love for me. Then reciting something like this…

Moon (yes, he would call me by my blogging name, of course). My life was like a starless night until I met you (and he would quote Twilight of course) would you be the Bella to my Edward and forgo all Jacobs.

And then he would pull out a replica Bella’s engagement ring. I would feast my eyes on it’s epicness and of course say yes. Then after some “fade to black” he would turn me into a vampire cause that was part of the deal. Oh wait, I didn’t tell you he was a vampire? Obviously!

Or maybe it would just happen like this…

And then when she saw the replica Bella’s engagement ring inside that box she threw that shiz back at him and said ‘I may be a fan but my finger better be covered in Tiffany, not Hot Topic if you’re going to propose to me at a Twilight movie.’ DUH!

You KNOW this dude felt like a tool once he saw how Edward proposed to Bella and this chick suddenly rethought the whole thing. I mean, how can you even compete with a vampire like Edward Cullen? He has the hair, the Alice approved outfits, the gold brocade bedding, a wrought iron bed of awesomeness, and lines like “stolen kisses after I ask your father for your hand in marriage.” For realz dude, I’m sorry you even tried to compete with the likes of Edward Cullen on a 50 foot screen. But obviously you get points for even doing this and a big mazel to you and your lady. But next time bring your A game and rent an Edward Cullen costume if you want to get legit about his.

Mazel Tov kids!
Themoonisdown

What would you do if your boyfriend proposed to you before a Twilight movie? Whats the best and worst proposal idea? What did you think of Edward’s proposal in Eclipse?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

102 Commented


Team Jacob, almost

Things we have in common: Pale, Brown hair & eyes, F*cking Rob Pattinson- oh wait.. nm...

Dear Bella,

I first read about you long before I had a friend to talk about you with, an actress to put a face to your name or a vision of you as a sub or slutty secretary. And I liked you. I related to you- minus the hot vampire boyfriend part. It was to my surprise when I finally got a friend to read about you, that she wasn’t impressed. Not necessarily with the saga- she liked it enough, but she thought you were…. ANNOYING! And WINEY! And unfair to Edward & Jacob. Okay, I can agree with the last part, especially in Eclipse, but I never really had much to complain about you prior to that.

Turns out, a LOT of people really think you went too far with Jacob in Eclipse. Of course those are the people who are 100% Team Edward. There are also those who think you didn’t go far ENOUGH with Jacob. Those people are crazy and we all agree should be locked up (except for Stephenie Meyer, who we’re 97.6% convinced IS Team Jacob. We need her to stay around to never ever finish Midnight Sun or write about Jashley)  I, on the other hand, am also 100% Team Edward, and sure I wasn’t happy about the way you strung Jake along, but on the mountain, after the tent scene, when you beg Jake not to leave and then ask him to KISS you- I’ll admit, I was cheering you on in my head. Of course IMMEDIATELY afterward I felt regret, disgust & guilt, but in the moment I was there with you- urging you on, hoping you slipped a little tongue in, grabbed a hold of his hair and pushed yourself up against him a little harder. I know, I’m a little ashamed of myself.

well.. almost...

So it shouldn’t surprise you that on Tuesday evening when I got to see you and Jacob in PERSON on the big screen, my reaction mirrored the one I had in the book. As the moment drew near, I felt the build in my stomach, the shortening of my breath, the beginnings of a cold sweat running down my back. When you demanded Jacob not leave, a smile crept onto my face. It was at that moment when I was distracted by a movement to my left. Moon, in the seat next to me, COVERED her face with her hand. She spread her fingers slightly so she could view the screen, but her stance was one of fear. We must’ve looked ridiculous with my giddy smile and slight bounce in the seat & Moon’s fear of what we both knew was coming. And then it happened. You asked Jacob to kiss you. And he did. Sloppily, too fast, heads moved too much and I’m not sure I saw the french kiss of my imagination, but it happened. And I yelled with joy along with Team Jacob. And when it was over, I felt the utter shame & humiliation.

I think I understand you. I think I understand your plight. You love them both. I love you with them both. I’d love myself with them both even more, especially if it were at the same time, but that’s for someone to write about and send to me secretly so I can keep it stashed in my secret fan fiction drawer next to my bed. Jacob is perfect for you. Jacob understands you. Jacob would be amazing for your future. But Edward is your soulmate. You and Edward are made for each other. You and Edward fit. (Plus imprinting on a child is weird enough. Let’s not add in Jacob imprinting on a child he MADE with YOU!)

DO IT DO IT! (Even though Bella looks like a wolf here....)

So when Jacob sauntered over to you and brought your face close to his and lowered his lips down on yours, I was chanting “Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!” along with the 12 Team Jacob members in the theater. I knew the consequences of the choice I was making (name that quote) but I yelled it anyway. Well, quietly. Cuz I think Moon had a knife in her purse she would have used on me had I vocalized what was in my head.

So you should know you’re not alone. There are those who feel you chose wrong & should have gone with Jacob, but they are crazy people who sleep with wolf stuffed animals. Then there are those who whole-heartedly knew Edward was the best for you from the beginning, and there is a special place in heaven for them with personal mansions filled with rooms specifically for pillow biting, headboard breaking & egg cooking in the nude. And then there are those like me- who hugged a stuffed animal wolf for like 3 seconds once and had a good time doing it, but then threw it in a blender, turned in into cotton & made some sexy lingerie from it which was promptly removed before breaking headboards, biting pillows & showing Jacob how it’s done with Edward, the only one for you!

So you & I considered the other guy for like a half a second, but we chose right! I got your back, Bella!

Love,
UnintendedChoice

So… were you like Team Moon covering your face in horror of what was to come? Or are you joining Team UC where you got excited for a split second for the kiss with the boy that almost was the one?

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181 Commented


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