The Inevitable New Merchandise for New Moon

Dear Twi-hards,

With the release of New Moon fast approaching (146 days!), it was only a matter of time before the machine started rolling out new merchandise for fans to buy. After all Hot Topic almost single handedly saved the economy back in February. And we really can’t be losing anymore mall stores. Where else will I find my neon green tutu’s, Mario Brothers shirts and gothic parasols?  I mean, there goes my whole wardrobe, right? But never fear we’re just now getting a glimpse of the goodies to come that might just save the entire United States economy. Fingers crossed.


WOOOOOWWW just in case you wanted to go hunting and be camouflaged but also show how much you love Twilight, we have this lovely shirt. To our country friends, this will look nice while you’re out hunting deer with Jethro and the boys and if you’re lucky enough you’ll be wearing this on the next season of Red Neck Weddings!

Don’t you hate it when you’re at work and just about to close the BIG deal and can’t remember what date it is? I know I do! But after I get this handy little desk calender I can look confidently at the client and say, why yes it IS exactly one month and 3 days till my life is complete and New Moon comes out October 17th! Thank God I had this calendar or we couldn’t have made this million dollar deal! Great doing business with you!

So Barbie Bella and Ken Edward dolls are like the complete antithesis of Malibu Barbie and Ken. Instead of tans they have pale, sparkly skin. Instead of the pink corvette Bella has the broke down beater truck. Instead of skin bearing bikini’s and swim trunks it’s coverage from head to toe. And instead of a Dream House on the beaches of Malibu, it’s a middle class house in rainy Forks, Washington. My only question is: what about the Bob Mackie designed raincoats and the Quielute addition to the “Barbies Around the World” collection? Mattel, you totally dropped the ball on this one!

Lip Venom, guys really? I remember this stuff from like Seventeen Magazine in the 90s. It was supposed to plump up your lips to give it that “bee stung” look. The whole concept is off, first of all who wants to be stung when putting on lip gloss? And not surprisingly the product failed and went away. But now that Vampires are the hip thing, why not trot this little diddy out again but with a new spin: Plump your lips up with the venom of a vampire! Close your eyes, dream a little dream, click your heels together and say “there’s no place like Forks” and wait for the magic of the venom to turn you into an immortal. Then you and Edward can be together forever, cause we know that’s what you dream about. Seriously, we know. We watched the movie.

When are we gonna get a Jacob action figure? Or a temporary vampire bite tattoo? Or an official Charlie Swan stick on Mustache?

Would you buy any of this?

Don’t forget to vote in the Wanna Tappa Vampa (our fake sorority) and the Twi Sisterhood’s PORN OFF! EVERY VOTE COUNTS!! Yes we can!

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What recession?

if you can get a dude to wear his n her lion n lamb necklaces you have far bigger problems than the recession

if you can get a dude to wear his n her lion n lamb necklaces you have far bigger problems than the recession

Dear Hot Topic,

I just read this news item from the New York Times and it says…

“While sales at most stores plummeted last month, the teenage retailer Hot Topic enjoyed a 6.5 percent gain, thanks mostly to brisk sales of gear inspired by Twilight, the teenage vampire movie.” [NYT]

All I have to say is: YOU’RE WELCOME!

While companies like Microsoft and Yahoo are downsizing and laying off thousands by the day you’re still going strong profiting off the obsession of freaks like me and all you gals here. Oh and my mom. Who knew selling crap like bandaids and buttons and $6.00 patches could keep a mall store afloat?

where do they get the toolbags who model this stuff?

where do they get the toolbags who model this stuff?

But you’re proving them wrong! Now if only you could sell the official calendar you might single-handedly save our entire economy. Are you listening Warren Buffet and Barack Obama? Get the Hot Topic folks in your financial cabinet and watch our economy bounce back. Now THAT’S change we can believe in!

Studded belts and pink hair dye,

Buy more crap!

Don’t wanna waste your money on more crap for Valentine’s Day? Why don’t you make something instead?! That’s right, enter the Twi-alentine’s Day Contest!! NOW! Prizes being announced shortly!

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