Posted by unintendedchoice on August 1st, 2011
It’s only been a few days since my last letter to you but I feel the need to contact you again as a matter of some urgency regarding the pending release of Breaking Dawn/headboard parts one and two.
I know it’s all wrapped up. I know everyone has gone home, wardrobes have been returned shop-soiled to Gap and Bella’s wig has been returned to world famous pubic hair wig makers ‘Tufty Mufftys’. This letter isn’t directed at the acting crew or even Bill Condon. This is for the group of people who edit the films. I need you to do me a huge favour. When Bill’s not looking, I need you to forget EVERYTHING you were told by smug Scummit executives who’ve never actually read twilight and sneak back in and re-edit the movies using the following criteria (and/or CGI):
Quickly put in MORE of the following:
More of this. Much, Much more
1.Watch the original Twilight again and check out the scene when Edward jumps onto Bella’s truck (this is not a euphemism). He jumped down nonchalantly and pinged her bodywork into place (nor was that). It worked because he looked kind of cool in a not-trying kind of way. That was more like book-Edward. He was fun and playful. Put lots of that stuff in because he’s the one we actually liked and the sole reason we all turned out for the 2nd and 3rd movies and became laughing stocks.
2. Edward’s self-conscious strutting from car to truck in New Moon with resplendent indie/rock backing track. Include more of this, particularly in plaid shirts but not in slow motion because it’s embarrassing when I’m watching with my husband. You could re-do the wedding ceremony and have Edward walking down the aisle towards Bella and Charlie instead of the other way round as a DVD extra.
3. Normal contact lenses. Cathy H = bang on the money. Chris and David = comedy Halloween contacts that even the disturbingly low-hairlined Jessica would notice in the canteen. When Mrs Meyer said gold she meant a subtle yellowy-brown tone not luminous neon yellow like Michael Jackson’s in the Thriller video. Photoshop the eyes if they’ve got it wrong………again.
4. More Headboards. Enough said. If possible combine more headboards with more groaning sounds and more back muscles we never knew he had. You could always skip Breaking Dawn part 2 and just put out a 2 hour film of Edward visiting Dreams the bedstore and trashing every divan. It would be much more interesting and the same audience would still queue overnight to cop an eyeful of that magicness.
5. Bella falling over. It was funny and it happens A LOT in the books which if anyone on the team had actually bothered to read, you would know this. I’d quite like to see her fall off the bed mid-shag and headbutt the wall like I do after 10 vodka’s but hey that’s just me.
Like this except... less Disney-like
6. Fast driving at night with the lights off. Was Cathy the only one who remembered that bit? Forget the faux-fight scenes as you’d impress more guys with a few 100mph handbrake turns in a sporty volvo than Esme trying to look vaguely menacing whilst mum-punching a new born in slacks.
7. Insert the moonlit scene with Edward in the ocean. I’ve seen the trailer and Summit appear to have missed the second best scene in the book. Put the moon behind him. Make him look all marbelly and lovely and WET. You don’t have to add Bella, in fact just place a black sillouette where she would be with a ‘insert your face here’ tag on it as that’s what we’ll all be doing in our heads because we’re NORMAL.
More after the jump! Continue…