News Dump, All the Twilight news fit to print: Breaking Dawn and it’s newbies

Just one of the 9823489234 photoshoots this girls been in. Clearly, Alice chose this tophat

Dear LTT-ers

Remember when we started talking about the newbies and the cat and the Ice Truck Killer who were cast in Breaking Dawn? Well, there’s like a butt ton more and we can’t even be bothered with learning them all until they’re seen out with one of the holy trinity at a 100 Monkeys concert and they’re caught in a lurid embrace with a LOD fan club member. BUUTTT there’s a lot of news out about them right now so it’s time for a round of a News Dumo, where we round up all the news they’re in and bring it to you here in one place… with our LTT spin of course!

  • Who hired an escape convict to play a wolfpack member? Hide yo children.
  • Is this dude hot? I can’t figure it out… yes…. no???? yes??? Maybe in that boy in your 10th grade homeroom kind of way? Also wtf does Peter do? Man, I need to brush up on my Breaking Dawn trivia.
  • Remember when Rob had a mullet in that made for TV movie “Ring of Nibelungs?” Why do I get the feeling she was an extra?
  • The fact that this photo was taken like minutes from my house makes me want to punch someone. Thanks for the warning David Slade.
  • Rob and Kristen are gonna have fake sex in Brazil. Start planning your South American vacations now, Robsteners!!! (if you just added Brazil to your travel website alerts after reading this, you’re on “The List”)
  • Ok, he’s not a newbie but we can always use some Robert Pattinson, with a director talking about some school holiday we don’t understand, in our lives

So which of these newbies should we care about enough to start following? Which Vamp witnesses have a big part in the story? And should we start rereading Breaking Dawn together?

Happy Monday!
Themoonisdown

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Twilight 101: Twilight (the book)

Dear Twilight,

I get a lot of people whom I refer to as “civilians” ask me what you are. “What’s this Twilight thing about?” they say.  Seems like a simple enough question, right? But I’d say it’s isn’t so simple. How do you even begin to explain the intricacies and the idiosyncrasies and the “holy crow’s?” With this new series I aim to explain Twilight to beginners and give your fans an easier way to share their love of all things sparkly vampires and the humans they love.

And with that I get you the first installment in Twilight 101: Twilight (the book)

Dear Twilight Newbie-

You may know this as that book with the apple on the cover that made grown women go crazy, your wife disappear for hours on end, your internet bill surge and teens declare sides in the Team Edward vs Team Jacob war that will play out over the following 3 books and subsequent films. Or you may know it as that mega Times best seller than spawned major block buster movies. Or you may know it as that book with the sprarkly vampires. But what’s this book REALLY about? I’m here to share…

Bella, the stumbling accident-prone mousey girl from Phoenix, Arizona moves to Forks, Washington to live with her Dad (coincidentally the town’s Police Chief) because her absentee Mom has married a stud minor league baseball player she met after a spring training game at a TGIFridays and now wants to travel the farm league circuit with him to glamorous places like: Jacksonville, Florida. So Bella takes the hint and moves in with dear, old oblivious Dad: Charlie. Then hijinks ensue. Thinking she’s doomed to live a deary, boring life in Forks, Bella is surprised to find herself the talk of the high school from the nerds to the jocks. But being a girl Bella isn’t interested in safe, boring people who are interested in HER. She can only think about the mysterious boy from biology class and his weird adoptive yet not related beautiful  siblings who oddly enough never go to school on sunny days. But never mind the underlying danger… everything about him draws HER in!

So who are these people you ask…

The Humans-

Stop trying to make fetch happen!

Bella and her school friends and unintended (heh) suitors make up the majority of the sleepy and oblivious unsuspecting town. They include school heartthrob Mike Newton whom Bella describes as a golden retriever and whom mostly reminds us of a Jonas Brother with blond hair or Kirk Cameron AFTER he found Jesus. Pretty much the guy no girl with Daria-like tendencies would want to go out with. In a million-gabillion years. Then there are the girlfriends like Angela. Pretty much that sweet girl who was nice to everyone and befriended the new girl even when she was the flavor of the week who stole all the boys from the girls who has put in hard time. Then we have the “Mean Girls…” Jessica Stanley and Lauren Mallory, who combined are essentially the Regina George of Forks High School to Bella’s Cady Heron. These are the bitches who could be your best friend or worst enemy depending on the day.

The Vampires-

Just your typical neighbor in the Pacific Northwest

These aren’t your Grandma’s traditional vamps or your Anne Rice vamps or your bodice ripping (we wish) vamps. The Cullen family are the Brady Bunch of the Stephenie Meyer vampire world. Sure, they have their dark and tortured pasts but they’ve given all that up in exchange for a few years in rainy weather towns surviving on, what they refer to as, “a vegetarian diet.” Meaning they don’t take a little sip from humans anymore. They hunt down animals and make a bloody mary cocktail that will last them a few weeks, thus making it easier to sit through their 2394294th time as a high schooler. Monotonous you say? Why, yes. Yes it is. And that’s where we find out sparkly protagonist, Edward when he first encounters Bella in Biology class. And barely able to control himself runs out of class to save her and himself and not to mention the 30 other kids in the class from certain death. But of course like a typical dude, Edward is taken by the new girl just as much as Bella, being a total girl is intrigued and pissed off by the mysterious boy. And as they say the rest is history.

Like I said these aren’t your typical vampires, Stephenie Meyer has given her vamps all kinds of special characteristics that set them apart and leave her readers with difficult situations like trying to explain to a vampire lover or even a regular dude why vampires sparkle. And yes, they do sparkle. Why? well who really knows other than it’s a plot device used to differentiate them in the sunlight instead of bursting into flames in like old school vamps. Rather these guys look more like a diamonte choker from the Joan Collins for QVS jewelry collection in the sun.

They also have special powers: mind reading, mood altering, future telling, extreme sexiness and the ability to ‘glower’ at a moments notice. They also appear to have super human control over sexual temptation because there’s enough tension in this book it leaves the Twimoms (we’ll cover them eventually) and the tweens quivering (ew) for years. You wanna know why girls disappeared into their rooms for days on end reading these books? THAT is your answer. That sweet, delicious tension. And his name is Edward Cullen.

See, I told you so!

Notable Quotables-

  • “And so the lion fell in love with the lamb” – THE Twilight quote. Suitable for Etsy crafts, regrettable tattoos and quoting to your resigned boyfriend
  • “About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was a part of him-and I didn’t know how potent that part might be-that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him..” – Teaching teens and grown ups alike the word “irrevocable”
  • “You are exactly my brand of heroin” – Stephenie Meyer’s pro-drug PSA. High Schoolers need more excuses to think up new and exciting non-traditional drugs. A hit of your girlfriends blood? Why not!
  • “Holy Crow” – aka OHHHH SSSHHHEEEEETTT!

Follow the cut for more on the villians, the conflict and some business time
Continue…

137 Commented


Denali Coven is cast and The Ice Truck Killer strikes again!

Don't tell anyone Dexter but I'm going to be in Breaking Dawn and when they're not looking, I'm going to kill them all!

Dear Breaking Dawn (I still can’t believe I’m writing to you now. WOW, we’ve come a long way),

BUT ANYWAY…

When casting news about the Denali clan hit the nets yesterday I had one response: THE ICE TRUCK KILLER is Eleazar?! And who the hale is Eleazar again?

Yes, for those of you who haven’t seen Dexter Season 1 I just spoiled it for you but seriously, if you haven’t seen it before you should. So of course I couldn’t remember who the heck Eleazar was and I thought if he’s been played by The Ice Truck Killer aka Christian Camargo than Eleazar must be a real creep, cause TITK (yup, we need an acronym already) is a total creep sandwich to the max. I’m going to spend the entire movie wondering if Deb will get away this time or if Dexter will figure out that Vampire’s don’t leave blood spatter patterns you can decifer. Ok, you all might just want to go ahead and add Season 1 of Dexter to your Netflix queue now because I will be referring to him as The Ice Truck Killer/Brian for the rest of eternity. Sorry Christian Camargo. Oh and welcome!

As far as the other folks, here’s who I care about…

This is the chick who makes a move on Edward in Midnight Sun... RIGHT

MyAnna Buring – Tanya

Ok, is it just me or does she look like a cat woman? This casting must sting a bit for AnnaLynn since she’s had the look cornered for the last year. Poor thing, have Kellan get you a mammogram to make up for losing this part. Google also says she was in something called “Lesbian Vampire Killers.” Now, if Bill Condon liked the ladies I’d day he might have been doing some in depth “research” before the casting but since he likes the fellas, I’m gonna have to say Rob and TomStu had a hand in this one.

Girls gotten some mad hate on the interwebs already. I wonder if this is how Rob felt when it was announced he was Edward. Or maybe more accurately, I wonder if this is how Clare felt since Rob was probably too busy being drunk to care what 20 (it was only 20 back then) Twilight nerds on the internet thought of him.

.

Oh hey, I'm Brooke... I mean the slut who darted Ryan Gosling... no wait, I'm Kate

Casey LeBow – Kate

Besides having a striking resemblance to a one BrookeLockart (but with blond hair) this girl is rumored to have been Ryan Gosling’s spring fling and for that we want to give her a high five but we’re too blinded by our own jealous rage to do it. I’m sure she understands.

.

Samantha the American Girl Doll – Renesmee

Seriously, this is Renesmee

SIKE! (i wish). Word on the street is that Mackenzie Foy has been cast as Renesmee but I’m sure Summit has something up their sleeve to roll out the love child of Edward and Bella. So we’ll wait till we get the word from them before we come up with some more random shiz about her! But seriously, Samantha the American Doll, am I right?

I gotta say I’m excited to see how this all plays out what with the cat woman making the moves on Edward and BrookeLockart sneaking her way into the movie and them agreeing that Renesmee can only be played by a doll in a little hat and agreeing with us that BD needed a little action so they brought over the Ice Truck Killer from Dexter to make things interesting. Who wouldn’t watch this movie?!

412 Days!

Themoonisdown

For your googling pleasure here’s the rest: Carmen: Mia Maestro and Maggie Grace as Irina

SOOOOOoooooo feels like we’re finally heating up again in the twidom… slowly, they don’t want us to boil over before filming even begins, but what do you think??!! Agree/Disagree? Sad AnnaLynn got passed over as Tanya the catlady?

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Breaking Down Renesmee, porcelain dolls and our twifan card

Dear Breaking Dawn film makers,

There’s been tons of rumors about the new movie with most of them about who will be cast as Reneesme Carlie Cullen. Oh yea full name, who’s the twifan now?! But anyway it’s a big thing to cast, I mean this is the spawn of Edward and Bella, the fruit of their… ahem… love, the final WTF moment of the saga so it better be good. There’s a lot riding on this, so when news of one of the rumored girls testing for Renesmee started heating up UC and I knew it was time to break it down…

The one where we think Renesmee is pint sized

The spawn of Edward & Bella???

Moon: ok some renessssmeeeee….. so tons of gossip out there about who will be cast as renesme some actors daughter and now a 9 yr old with huge eyes. so what do you think? initial thoughts
UC: initial thoughts is maybe I’m the ONLy one who ended BDawn thinking renesmee looked no more than 3- MAYBE 4 max
Moon: yea i thought she was small like toddler/4-5 age but talked like an adult or acted older
UC: and i’m interested to see how Kristen acts the part in the script that says “Bella’s eyes grow wide as she realizes the child that burst from her abdomen 3 months earlier is now ready for the 3rd grade & loves to eat spaghettios” think she can pull it off? Is there a stutter for that (da dum ching)

Yea, I pretty much imagined Renesmee as the Samantha the American Girl Doll (hat and all)

Moon: i even had this weird image of her in like victorian type clothes like a porcelain doll, with a little hat and curls on the back of Bella and Jacob
UC: ME too.. and curly hair
Moon: like the idea doesnt really even compute. but theyre saying they’re going to use some benjamin buttons shit to use the face of the girl on a toddlers body
UC: right.. WHY? why not just use a toddler? they act on those Oscar Meyer Weiner commercials
Moon: well it’s hard for a toddler to act older i think thats the reasoning behind it like they need an older child who can interact in an older way but the look of a little kid
UC: yeah, I get it. But I WANT YELLOW KITCHEN CUPBOARDS DAMNIT
Moon: HAHAHAA dont we all. “accept it now!”

The one where we lose our fancard
Moon: all i can think about is rob and kristen interacting with this girl like WHAT is that gonna be like??
UC: I cannot IMAGINE!!!! i can’t remember- are there many scenes with the 3 of them? Can Stephenie write one in quick- family hunting trip? NO jacob? just the 3~?
Moon: yea the whole happy little family in the cottage and before the whole witness scene wait didnt they have a family hunting trip isnt that what irina sees?
UC: ohhh yes! I can’t remember is Jake is around the corner

REVOKED!

Moon: cue our twifan card being taken away from stephenie herself
UC: I mean… IMAGINE that for a second Cute 9 year old, blood on her chin Rob…. blood on his chin. and his shirt Kristen chomping down on a deer i mean… it wasn’t that ridiculous when I READ it but that’s RIDICULOUS!
Moon: right how is all this going to look?! have we not learned to TRUST yet?! i mean we worried about taylor and Kristen in NM we worried about the leg hitch and they’ve taken care of us but id be lying if i wasnt worried A LOT about BD
UC: A LOT
Moon: the birth, the baby, the hunting
UC: the sex- I mean….. what if we have a ton of nonstens in our theater? Do you think we’ll be safe? should we hire bodyguards?
Moon: dude we get that they’re together, we also dont care and we also get that theyre ACTORS i hope and i dont hope it’s awkward as hale
UC: i know…. b/c if it is, it’s because they’re thinking “omg this is awkward cuz we do this in real life- rob just broke the headboard LAST NIGHT- but that’s b/c it was Ikea and I got it when I was 10″ he and TomStu were jumping on the bed You know what I hope?
Moon: what do you hope?

BOOBS


The one where we love kids
UC
: I hope that when we watch it… we see Bella & Edward- just as we imagined them when we read BD for the first time I hope I forget it’s Rob & Kristen because as fun as being “involved” in their stars lives is (without their knowledge moohahaha – creeper) it’s quite possibly ruined the characters for me Can we really look at Edward & not think “He eat Hot Pockets”? Can we see Mike Newton & not think “Boobs?” And briging it back to Renessmee- can I see her on screen & not think “bitch is too old” Also… can I call a 9 year old a “bitch?” Cause I don’t think I can…
Moon: you called a 9 yr old a bitch…….. welcome to LTT world slut! heeeeey!!!!!!
UC: haha, we love jokes about kids.
Moon: ps but seriously, how in the HALE do you spell renesmee?!

So film makers can you see what we’re worried about and what we’re counting down the days till BD for? So make it good, we’re already regrouping our prayer chain to begin “praying and fasting for Breaking Dawn” again. Just so you know…

Renessme/Reneeseme/Renesmee/Renneesmee?
Themoonisdown

PS we dont hate kids, so don’t even try it.

So what will it be? WHO will it be and what did YOU think Renesmee looked like when you first read Breaking Dawn??

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Twilosophy: Special Twilight dates – Should we care?

(Sit back and throw on your tweed and serious glasses as I try to be non-controversial and talk some Twilosophy)

Dear LTT-ers,

Did you know a week ago Monday was Bella’s birthday? And did you have Edward and Bella’s Anniversary marked down on your calendar for August 13th??? And what about the Newton’s Anniversary? And maybe even the day Jacob phased for the first time? Did you celebrate those days or do you even know them? Nope. I sure don’t. So does this make me a “bad” fangirl?

Can't believe this exists. Click to enlarge for maximum speechlessness

I mean sure, we love Edward and Bella. Obviously, we wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for them. We cheered for them when they finally got up the nerve to “be friends.” We gasped and felt 2nd hand butterflies for them when they finally got together. We felt those first love jitters right along with the blessed couple. We even cried when they broke up (be honest!) and we cheered when they got back together (FINALLY 379 pages later!). We jumped up and down when Bella finally gave in and accepted Edward’s proposal. We maybe misted a little when they got married in the Cullen backyard and we definitely sighed a lot during the Isle Esme honeymoon. And who doesn’t remember Bella’s issues with turning 18? Yea, psychotic, I know.

But is it necessary as fans of the books to celebrate their anniversary/birthday/whatever every year? I was just cruising around the interwebs trying to catch up on what’s been happening in the Twidom and I found out that we missed both Bella’s birthday AND Edward and Bella’s Anniversary (GASP! The HORROR!) which is according to come elephant-brained readers made August 13th 2006 their 4 year anniversary. Which means they got married the same year as my brother and sister-in-law and now I will never forget the year and now I can never forgive myself for knowing such trivia. Twilight Bar Trivia Night here I come!

You get this because the Bella/Edward anniversary pics from google are TOO embarassing

So if people post stuff about character birthdays and wedding anniversaries, who are we to judge but what do you get the couple who has everything? 4th year gift is something like paper… and that’s a lame gift.

Do you think Stephenie Meyer herself even remembers the date she gave Bella for her birthday or the date Edward and Bella got married? Maybe… but I bet she remembers the exact date she had “THE DREAM” cause I’m sure it’s like UC and I remembering the day we started these blogs. I’ll always think about LTT and LTR on December 8th every year probably for the rest of my life especially when I tell my grandchildren about that thing called a “blog” I used to write, cause “I’m down with the kids.” DUH! So I guess that’s what it is. It’s about remembering what’s important and special to you. Regardless of how inconsequential it may seem. Remember those special days in your life and pay homage to them because they matter. I guess I should do a little research and see when Buttcrack Santa died so we can host an official memorial every year plus a moment of silence to honor him. RIP. See what I did right there? A good ol BCS reference, haven’t seen one of those in a while, have ya?

March 15th, 1986 (the day Mike Newton was conceived. Duh)
Themoonisdown

PS See, I can be non-controversial when I want to be! Someone give me a Twilight Conversation Heart, forget the cookie.

What days are special to you? Any have a Twilight reference. Also, come clean do you know any of the Twilight special dates like Bella’s birthday? BE HONEST!

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