Fake Lesbians Gone WILD!! Nikki Reed is not doing Robert Pattinson!

Dear Nikki-

Stop trying to distract us with all these BS rumors about you and Rob doing the dirty up in Vancouver… we know the truth about your fake lesbian ways and there’s PROOF!! See this video…

SEE! SEE!! We know the truth, Nikki! Seriously, do you not care about your fake life partner Kristen Stewart? After she pries herself away from filming with buff Taylor and kissing Rob or walking around town with her fake boyfriend Oregano, what will she think when she reads these LIES? Or maybe this is all part of your secret ploy to make Kristen jealous and leave Oregano for you? I see your dastardly plan now. Naughty girl!

I’ve got my eye on you!
Themoonisdown

Wanna be our fake lesbian life partner?! Vote for us in the Dazzle Awards and we just have to french you! YES WE CAN!

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I’m gonna be nice today…

I saw two things this week that made me say nice things about Nikki Reed AND Kristen Stewart (I know! Pigs DO fly!) So today’s letters are about those two miracles:

Dear Nikki,

I really appreciate what you did to yourself and to your hair for Twilight. I do think it showed your commitment to the character of Rosalie.

I felt REALLY bad for you when Larry Carroll told you you looked ‘unnatural’ as a blonde. I love me some Larry, but I could tell he hurt your feelings a bit. Especially because I’m sure you KNOW that Rosalie’s hair wasn’t the best.. So far, the wig we’ve seen from the paps on the set is AWESOME. I know you’re gonna look gorgeous for New Moon cuz you look exactly like my gorgeous cousin in that picture. Don’t worry- I’m sure Kristen thinks you’ll look great too, fake lesbos always have your back. (damn- I told myself I was gonna get through a letter without mentioning that.. Oh well, I came close!)

Love,
Me

a

Dear Kristen,

I watched your interview with Jimmy Kimmel on Saturday morning and immediately sent the following e-mail to my girlfriends:

  1. I love Kimmel in this.
  2. No, Kristen. You’re not obsessed with Twilight “just as much as everyone else,” but props to your publicist for getting you to start saying that. The tweens will eat it up.
  3. Your awkwardness is b/c you’re shy. I get it now. You feel uncomfortable and think you come off acting uncomfortable.. So you seem kinda dorky.. which is kinda true. All you need is a little confidence because you’re a beautiful, talented, successful girl. Confidence, Cohen.. Confidence *fake prize to the first person who comments with what that’s from (Moon- you can’t enter)
  4. Good for Kimmel.. keeping it on topic… He had only one reference to the ‘famous veggie vamp’

Wait, this actually ended up being nicer to Jimmy Kimmel than it did to you… Oh well, 1 out of 2 isn’t too bad, right? Better luck next time…

Love,
Me

You’ve entered our Twilight-Party-Pack giveaway contest, right? GO DO IT NOW if you haven’t! It’s easy- just tell us a song that makes you think of Twilight! We’ll pick a winner randomly Tuesday night!

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Buttcrack Werewolf – 4 Letters in 1

Pics and stories at JustJaredJR and LaineyGossip

Letter One

Dear Taylor-

Besides lookin like a total pimp… I’m worried about you! If these girls are trying to make you the new partner in their fake lesbian relationship please RUN AWAY. Run far, far away. Next thing you know you’re going to be standing outside a liquor store with KStew while Nikki Reed is inside buying you guys booze and cigarettes.

Oh wait, that already happened. Way to be totally high school Nikki Reed, keepin’ it classy!

Then they’re gonna drag you back to the hotel and you’ll get lit off one Zima and end up playing 7 minutes in Heaven with Kellan while the girls laugh from outside the closet.

Trust me it’s a slippery slope, tell those bitches to keep themselves warm next time. You have Wolfgirl to think of now!

Don’t make me call your Dad!!

Love your matchmaker,
Themoonisdown

 

Letter Two

Dear NReed-

Seriously girl? Seriously?? Buying alcohol for two underage kids? Woooooow is all I have to say. Now this isn’t my first time to the rodeo but COME ON don’t be so freaking public about it. Do what normal people do: ORDER that shiz to your hotel room and charge it back to the studio.

DUH.
Themoonisdown

Letter Three

Dear Kristen-

Now, hun I’m sure you guys are trying to “bond” before shooting starts. Trying to get the whole Bella/Jacob chemistry thing going and I totes love ya for it cause I ain’t gonna lie it’s terribly cute… but can ya tell your BFF to stay home or go bug Robbie or something? This is starting to look like some weird codependent relationship.

Trying to like you, I really am!
Themoonisdown

PS where’s Oregano?

 

Letter Four

Dear Creepy Photographer who took this pic-

This is hilarious.

Please come to my house to show me more of these. Also bring the iced tea and Dateline crew!

Thanks!
Themoonisdown

 

PS who’s freaking PUMPED about the motorcycle scenes after seeing Taylor in those biking pics?? He’s TOTALLY Jacob!

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Round Two is a no-go

Dear Nikki Reed,

I know you’re probably pretty bummed that Rob’s been in town since Tuesday and hasn’t called you yet.  I wouldn’t take it too personally. He just got here and he needs to get fitted for his tux, try on his shoes, shave, unpack his one pair of pants and black shoes, grab some in-and-out, pleasure theMoonisDown (& wish it was me), etc. etc. He’s keeping a pretty tight schedule.

I’m gonna take a wild guess at what you were expecting to happen with Rob in town, and well, he isn’t going there, girl.  I’m not sure what happened the first time around, back on some drunken night in Portland, but I do know Rob isn’t doing it again.

Those were the days when he “couldn’t get a date” and was “fat” and “lived in a crack flat with TomStu.” Now he can “get lots of dates”, is “in no way fat” (only delicious) and, well, I guess he potentially still does live in that crack flat with TomStu, but that’s besides the point. You’re just not necessary. I know you thought you were- but that one time was just that- one time. And it only happened b/c you stumbled into his room, drunk, and he thought it would be more interesting than “playing his own trumpet” that night.

That’s it. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but Round Two is a no-go.

'come and get me big boy'

“I know you want this”

You’re busy though, right? Since you’re such a brilliant actress, you really have to start working on your craft again.. it’s going to take WEEKS to perfect your steely Rosalie glare (if you can even perfect it).  Plus, being the world’s most perfect fake-lesbian with Kristen really is an all-consuming activity.

Even if he wanted you, you just wouldn’t have time for Rob (and just as a reminder, he doesn’t want you)

Love,
UnintendedChoice

Thanks to my late night IMing partner, you know who you are, for all the help, all the time. “We did it, we hit it, it was whack” I’d like to be a fake lesbian with you. XO

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All this and class too!

hot sauce!

hot sauce!

Dear Rachelle and Ashley-

If I was going to be a fake lesbian I’d totally choose you ladies.

You’re hot, wear awesome clothes, and you’re doing photo calls next to DIAMOND necklaces looking like extras from Mad Men (best show ever, just sayin). Now that’s what I call classy. You two seem like real gals gals AND girls who can be real with the boys too. And if you can do that, you are girls after my own heart.

Rachelle, I am in love with your hair… two hairdo’s ago I had your hair color and I kick myself every day for going darker. Being a redhead is my true calling in life, and you are a beacon in all this bleach blond playboy hair nonsense in California.

ashleyrachelle021

shoooooes!

Ashley, I heard that after you did this photo event you were spotted out with a friend getting pizza in jeans and tshirts. I think we’re meant to be BFF’s ladies. FYI

Ok can we all take a moment and look at THE SHOES. And the POCKET on the dress?!

Moment over.

Carry on ladies, CARRY ON!

Wishing we could share closets,
Themoonisdown

PS I TOLD you we’d get to some Twi-girl loving!

(clickify to enlarge all this girly goodness)

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