Much needed Twilight funnies on a Monday

Dear Twilight,

It’s one of those Mondays that I’m dreading- last week was a 4 day work week & this week has 5 days I have to work- plus there’s a heatwave. And I’m just in the mood to complain. So when I sat down to pen something Twilosophical to you, I just couldn’t. I didn’t want to think hard & since all Twilight fans think alike, I doubt LTT readers want to either.

So I went to our email inbox, to see what treasure I’ve been storing for such a rainy/boring/horrible/hot/Monday such as this. This is what I found:

1) Antonella’s boyfriend (who she described as “Who is totally not a unicorn. At all. More like a buffalo.”) found us the holy grail of “2nd Hand Embarrassment”

Yes this is real

What’s even worse is that is that it’s in MOANtreal, which has French Canadians. And the French are supposed to be classier than the rest of us

The birds can enjoy the view

And of course that little white paper (INSIDE the car) says “I love Rob.” Of course it does.

2) The Old One took the time to take the Breaking Dawn calendar image & photoshop it to look exactly like the rest of us were thinking it should look:

After seeing the weird purple & orange lighting she couldn’t resist. She said it just screamed “we’ve just beamed down to the planet’s surface and encountered a strange half-man, half-lizard life form. He’s been eyeing Lieutenant Commander Swan and I don’t trust him.”

3) MarbleNutSlut wrote to tell us she’d love to see a “This Random Thing Reminds Me Of Twilight post.” She saw a whole rack of these at the Hartford airport and thought:

“ZOMG is KStew gunning for CoverGirl status?! That seems…uncharacteristic?”

And then her bleary cross-country traveling eyes adjusted, but still. This is the patented HairGrab pose. They teach it in modeling classes now, apparently.

I did a double-take too. That is a nice KSTEW knock-off!

4) And finally, Melissa thought of us when she came across these new JorJeggings: Yep. Jorts in Leggings material:

Think Leah will rock these in Breaking Dawn?

Oh Twilight, always popping up in our lives, even in the mundane!

Love,
UnintendedChoice

Where has Twilight “popped-up” in your life recently?

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164 Commented


A Unicorn Strikes again

Dear Twilight,

In case you forgot:

Unicorn: A rare mystical creature only rumored to exist but highly sought after. Like a a guy who likes Twilight.

It’s been so long since we’ve heard from one that I almost forgot they existed. Until….. we got this email:

Dear LTT,

First of all, congrats on your life altering hangout session with Steph. I would have vomited as many times as Stephenie addressed me had I been there.

I decided to check out your website after seeing that you guys were picked to be thrown blindfolded in a van to meet the vampire mother.

I have to say that I am troubled to find out from your letters that I am alone in this world. I am a man. Married with 2 kids and one on the way. Surely it cannot be a rare thing that someone like me absolutely breathes and lives Twilight in his life. Are you saying that I will likely never encounter another male twihard in my life. Sure, I’ve never met one but I always thought it was because I just don’t have many guy friends to begin with. I have never been ashamed of Twilight and although in the deepest part of my subconscious I realize the book was made for middle school screaming tweens, I have never felt ashamed for loving a universe I dream of being real. Your letters, however are a forbidden fruit that has unlocked the knowledge of good and evil. I never noticed all the females surrounding me in the garden. I never noticed that I am the only guy there! And even though everyone else is properly dressed with their team Jacob and Edward shirts and jorts, I am the only one naked.

Little do you know that my heart stands strong for Edward and Jacob, and little will dismay my pride in their story. I may not feel for RPatt and TLaut the way a hormonal teen girl exudes, but my devotion will remain. I will continue buying my TwiPhone covers, and TwiDolls. I will unwearyingly buy my daily theater ticket for one. I will purchase all the Twilight movie guides and read the special Twilight edition People at the front of the bus. And I will stand proud in line to get the first BD tickets as the sun’s rays rise to light up my shimmer glitter on my face. I will continue to cry out in one voice with all my sisters for Midnight Sun.

Even if I am the only straight male twitard on the planet, I will embrace all of you as my own family. The question is will you accept me as the only brother?

¿El Único? (the only one?)

I immediately emailed ¿El Único? back to WELCOME HIM TO THE LTT FAMILY!

Read more from the newest sighting of the rare Mythical Unicorn after the jump! Continue…

188 Commented


Books Stephenie should write, other than Midnight Sun

One of these days I won’t work 12 hours & I’ll actually be able to write my own LTTs. Until then, thank God for LTT friends who write amazing letters for us. Today, hear from The Plane Friend- the friend I met, on a plane, in college (and reconnected with via LTT!)

I'm a fangirl!

Dear Stephenie,

I have to admit that it’s really bizarre to address a letter to you. I’ve never written to an author before, despite how much I computer-stalk all their web sites, blogs, and interviews. It’s even more unbelievable to me that I’m going to write one of my favorite authors under the moniker of The Plane Friend…and on a fan site.

As I sat down to write this, I thought about all the ways I could go with this letter, my first addressed to you: a real live, uber-successful author, which is what I have dreamed of being since I was a teenager. I could embarrass myself (and garner some second-hand embarrassment) by gushing like the fan-girl I am, but I doubted UC would publish that—even if we are long-lost friends—because I know it wouldn’t be worth reading. I also considered asking you all the questions I’d ask if I were going to interview you (none of which would be the “did you really come up with Twilight from a dream?” question). Since it’s unlikely you’d respond in the comment section, though, I figured it wouldn’t be nice to give everyone at LTT even more things to ponder over.

But as I considered these and all the other options, I decided on a shocking confession (because you care about the confessions of women you’ve never met, right?) and some writing prompts. Because I KNOW that you, NY Times Bestselling author of a saga we all love, needs writing help from a fan you’ve never met. (Ha—I can barely type for laughing at myself). Because why wouldn’t you want writing advice from a stranger who is still hounding literary agents to consider her first attempt at a book? So, here goes.

Meh

My shocking confession: I don’t care if you ever finish Midnight Sun or not.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved the first 267 pages. I would read the rest writhing with unadulterated glee the whole time. I would love to spend more time in Edward’s head, because, like everyone else here, I’m kinda in love with him. But I assume I’m in the huge minority of your fan base who would much rather read a sequel to Breaking Dawn than ever get my hands on any more of Midnight Sun. (I know, I know, LTT readers, you think I’m insane. You want to throw rotten tomatoes at me [or worse!] But just hear me out).

While listening to all the sound clips from the Eclipse fan-junket interview, I was flipping out when I listened to your plans for continuing the story. There were just so many potential great scenes I could come up with for a book narrated by Nessie and Leah, so I can’t even imagine what mind-blowing ideas you have. Plus, Leah is probably my favorite female character in your books—Alice running a close second and Bella a distant third, in case anyone is interested—so I’d really love to hang out with her again. I know that I’m probably WAY on the margins of your fan base here with my affinity for Leah, but I like girls that aren’t apologetic about being in touch with their angry side and, whatever, people are different. I mean, most of the people on this site think Rob Pattison is like the hottest guy in the universe. When I see his interviews, I think he’s hilarious, but he just doesn’t do it for me. He doesn’t hold a candle to the Edward in my head…who, conveniently, looks a lot more like my husband than Rob.
But I digress.

So back to my other point: writing prompts. These were the scenes I was imagining when thinking of this sequel, and I thought I’d share them, just in case they sparked some kind of revival inside you that made you want to write about your vampires again soon. (Ok, I know I’m dreaming here, but you can’t blame a girl for trying, right?)

I'm tired of being alone. Please Stephenie. Please!

Some potential scenes:

  • The Cullens, (which now include vampire-Bella and a teenage/grown Nessie) in high school again. Now, not only does Edward have to endure the vulgar minds of high school boys, he has to listen to them drone on about his wife—and his daughter—and somehow not kill them.
  • A grown-up Nessie falling in love with Jacob/Nahuel/other guy we’ve never met….and having her FATHER be able to read her mind and know everything she has done, thought about doing, or plans to do with this guy. (Oh, the horror! Can we all breathe a collective “Thank you, God!” here that our fathers can’t read our minds?)
  • Nessie and said romantic interest somewhere near-by, and when Edward tries to “listen” in, Bella shields them…and Nessie gets to hear the resulting conversation between her parents. Because that would be funny.
  • Having someone imprint on Leah. Because I’d love to know what that girl would do with a love- sick virtual slave. OR:
  • Leah imprinting on someone. Because you might have to give her a personality transplant.
  • Alice having a vision of their after-life as one possible outcome to a Volturi threat, so that the Cullens know that there is something else out there for them after they die. (But please don’t kill Alice! You can kill Lauren, Jessica, or Rosalie if someone has to go).
  • Jacob getting Nessie pregnant with some strange vampire/werewolf hybrid, because we all want to know what in the world that child would be (and who it could destroy!)
  • Rosalie and/or Leah’s reaction to Nessie having a baby…because I bet both of them would have some severe issues with it. (Hmm, could Rosalie try to steal this kid? I really expected her to try to kill off Bella in BD at one point to try to steal Nessie, so I’m just waiting for “Ice Cold Barbie” to snap.)
  • The Cullens and their friends taking out the Volturi, vigilante-style. Because Aro and Jane, at least, really have it coming.

So what do you think? Any chance we’ll see another vampire book on the shelves sometime? You can steal any of the above ideas you like without crediting me. Or, you know, you could just use all your own ideas, which, I am sure, are much better than mine anyway.

In all seriousness (despite this being LTT where seriousness is thin on the ground sometimes), I don’t care if you write this book next or in ten years, but I’d really, really like to read it. So what do you say? Can we have a BD sequel someday? Please?

Love, adoration, and begging from,

The Plane Friend

P.S. You know, if you ever wrote this book, no one here would mind if you could convince Summit, Robsten, Taylor, & co. to make it into another Twilight movie, either :) . Just a thought.

What story do you wish Stephenie would write (other than Midnight Sun!?) I’m going to go with a cliche & say I’d like to read Jasper & Alice’s love story the most!

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71 Commented


Jessica Stanley: Get the HALE out of Forks

I sat down to write a letter to some of the “lost” characters of Twilight- you know.. the ones that got attention in the books & either DON’T exist in the movies or exist very limitedly. But then I realized it’s been so long since I’ve read the books that that would require more research than I’m able to give it on a Sunday evening. But while I was searching for ideas, I discovered that out of the 3,726 words we have “tagged” in our posts over the past 2+ years, Jessica Stanley has been tagged exactly SIX times. SIX! That’s it!! The girl playing her almost won an Oscar! Her character is HILARIOUS in the movies & pretty prevalent in the books! This is a major LTT oversight! Thankfully, my long-lost friend who I reconnected with through LTT, The Plane Friend, wrote Jessica a letter awhile ago. Today, Jessica gets her SEVENTH tag! (and you know how we love SEVEN around here!)

Smile- you're gonna almost win an Oscar someday!

Dear Jessica,

You are one of the oddest Twilight characters for me. I don’t really like you, but I feel like you’re a necessary part of the story, both as an essential part of helping the plot along and as a needed high school stereotype. However, on successive re-readings, I have started to feel a little bit of pity for you, which brings me to a piece of advice:  Girl, you need to get the heck out of Forks.

Why?

Well, first off, since your town is so small, it’s hard to get away from people. You spent your last year-and-a-half in high school constantly in Bella’s shadow. While I readily admit that I have much more of an affinity for Bella than lots of readers, I do get your exasperation when she moved to Forks and everyone went crazy over her. You’d think she’d have to do something to earn all the admiration she got. Very rarely have I seen quiet, shy girls—even pretty ones—get that popular. Usually, in high school, it’s the girls who are nasty, prey on other girls’ insecurities, and stroke the egos of cute-but-very-unworthy boys (just in case you didn’t catch it, that would be Lauren and you).

We promise. Life gets better outside of Forks

Secondly, you seem to be having the same problem my friends and I did in high school: not enough dateable boys to go around. Of course, you have an Edward Cullen, Emmet Cullen, and Jasper Hale (and we didn’t), but as they’re all taken, the rest of you seem to be stuck with Mike, Tyler, some guys named Connor and Lee we barely hear about, so we can probably assume are not realistic options, and Eric—who, even when he was an option…well, wasn’t.

I totally get that despite his stand-offish-ness, you had a rough time getting over your hang-up on Edward. He is Edward. However, he doesn’t think much of you. How do I know? Well, I can attest to that as one of those who wasted time trudging through TERRIBLE drivel that we hope NEVER, EVER gets finished (Ahem, Midnight Sun) and was privy to some of his thoughts. He didn’t waste many on you.  It’s good you refocused elsewhere.

Mike seems like the kind of guy who is a perfect high school boyfriend—in other words, a reality check. You pursue him when he’s obviously not that into you. You manage to snag him, but there’s likely that insecurity that he’s still hung up on Bella floating around in your mind (and trust us, honey, he was). The problem? Once he broke up with you, you should have cut your losses and MOVED ON, not started dating him again after he found out that Bella was getting married! You need to go to college, girl, and find a guy who isn’t secretly hankering after your frenemy.  I might not like you that much, but no one deserves to be second runner up with her own boyfriend.

But seriously.. it would help if you'd stop being such a Biatch

I do worry about what you would do in college, though. You seem like the type who might spend way too much time at parties, hook up with the wrong boys, and very likely not learn much about becoming a responsible adult. (Behavior I am sure your creator would join me in shaking our heads at).

So if you do jump off the party deep end in California, you might want to keep in email contact with Bella. She might not tell you too many details about her married life (rumor has it there’s a five-year-old who looks a lot like her and Edward running around Forks, but he’s very close-lipped about it [a niece?] and she has only been seen around town through very darkly tinted car windows lately). If she does fill you in on the details of what some of us call the “fade-to-black” part of her honeymoon, however, forward that email over to LTT. We’re all dying to read it.

With love,
The Plane Friend

What do you think about Jessica? Is she the perfect example of a typical highschooler? Was she too hard on Bella? But Seriously- that always bugged me- what WAS it about Bella that all the guys gravitated toward?!

Do you “Like” LTT on Facebook? Why not? What’s not to Like? Our profile pic is STILL Christmas-themed! Do it now! Like LTT on Facebook

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138 Commented


Getting excited about Breaking Dawn Part 1

Dear Breaking Dawn Part 1,

I don’t know about you but the news err non-news-stalker-pics-wigger-kids coming out of Vancouver this week got me REALLY excited for Breaking Dawn. If only we didn’t have to wait until November to see the finished project. But oh well. We’ll take what we can get.

We got this letter a week or so ago from SJ discussing what she was looking forward to in BD Part 1 & it got me even MORE excited about the movie!

I’m Excited

  1. Rob’s career make or break scene: can he pull off being the most seductive vampire ever whilst wearing water shoes?
  2. Taylor’s voodoo power: forget kung-fu, is his voodoo strong enough to convince the world a teenage shapeshifter imprinting on a newborn baby is not creepy (may also be seen as career make or break time).
  3. The pale ‘strange one’ and the chick who hates dancing and parties unobtrusively getting down with the locals at carnival time then prancing up the beach between the pumpkin lanterns.
  4. Kristen enduring parading Summit Wardrobe Department‘s idea of Stephenie Meyer’s idea of Alice’s idea of stylin’. And will they reuse blue art smock for a maternity top?
  5. Jennifer Love Hewitt wetting her pants on the red carpet. But that’s just me being petty and mean (Taylor hatin’ beetch!)
  6. You should really use a condom

    Will there be a condom/Condon reference somewhere in wedding or Isle of Esme, or just ANYWHERE? I am praying for an outtake of Bill popping up in the ocean next to Rob & Kristen saying ‘I really do think I’m needed in this scene, move over Kristen’. And then me yelling ‘for the love of god move over Kristen!’

  7. Charlie’s ‘stache. Jasper’s hair. Carlisle’s accent. Esme achieving full camouflage with the backdrop in every scene she appears in.
  8. Merchandise – Isle of Esme jigsaw, maracas, water shoes? Team Edward/Jacob wedding garter. Isle of Esme sarongs. Pregnancy test kits.
  9. Edward attempting to pimp out Jacob to Bella so she can have a ‘normal’ pregnancy (although maybe not normal by LTT standards). Or is it Bella being pimped out to Jacob? I’m not really up to speed on the Pimp’s code of conduct but it does seem that it would be a win situation for all of them. Anyway, cannot wait to see how Rob delivers those lines. It may just be the first time I feel sorry for him.

All this and it’s only February! Are we halfway there yet?

xxx Sj.

Hey Rob.. in Isle Esme ... you should do that move I taught you on my bed back in 2008...

I know, SJ. I know! It’s SO far away, yet hopefully the time will FLY! Because I have to add the following things I am so excited about for BD Part 1:

  1. Watching a Catherine Hardwicke interview where she discusses how the Isle Esme sex scene(s) were “just as passionate as the moment Robsten was created my unmade bed in Venice Beach.”
  2. A NEW SOUNDTRACK to listen to (nothing funny here- you know we’re serious around here about music!
  3. Watching Bella tell her high school friends she’s getting married. And then making the brilliant awkward lines that Yorkie & Mike are sure to say after they hear the news our new mantras.
  4. Seeing if Taylor breaks into giggles anytime sex is mentioned, suggested or insinuated

Oh November… can’t you be HERE already!!

Love,
UnintendedChoice

What (Serious or non-serious!) things are you excited for for Breaking Dawn Part 1!?

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