“Cliff notes” on the (irrelevant) numerous Breaking Dawn Characters

You know what I’ve thought once or 10 times since Breaking Dawn buzz has come pouring out? “I need to re-read or at least review this book so I can have some sort of clue who the H all these new characters are.” But…. that requires work. And I’m all about no work these days. Thankfully, East & West Coast Staceys saved the day & did allllll the research for me!

Dear Breaking Dawn and LTT,

Click

Oh my, those Brazil pictures…you know the ones…Bella and Edward kissing in Latin America looking all adorable. Well this post isn’t about those two, it is about how Breaking Dawn has started and the fun of Eclipse filming has started again. This time around, not only do you have the wolf pack to keep track of, but now all of the new vampires. I had noticed that many of us who comment on LTT are having a hard time keeping track of all of these newbies. This wasn’t a concern for me, it only made sense (That book is HUGE!),  until my partner in crime SnowWhiteDrifted aka West Coast Stacey admitted to me that she didn’t know who Garrett is! What! It was okay that she didn’t know the greatness of Lee Pace (a travesty), but Garrett! I write Talk Supe, with the lady! But I am here to help and school you in the new BD characters. Let’s call it :  Demon Baby University (DBU). Here is WC Stacey (SWD) and I discussing the new friends (and Jenks) of Breaking Dawn.
SWD: It’s so true, East Coast Stacey, I NEED your Cliff Notes version of the Breaking Dawn Characters. I just can’t reread this book. The second half just seemed like assigned reading from Lit class, because I just lost interest after, well, …the huge closet. That was my dream come true (once I realized the “fade to black” was really how it was going to be and I needed to find something else swoonworthy, i.e. the closet).

Garrett and Kate: Let’s start with the important one (to me). He is a patriot vampire. That is to say, he was turned during the Colonial times and is still sporting the ponytail. He is also a new romantic lead for an upcoming book about Garrett and Kate. (Okay, not really, but read this Stephenie and make it happen!)  You see his romance with Kate, was the best part of the second half of the book. (Also a very tiny part, so my imagination might have taken some creative liberties. Darn you fanfiction!) Since, I mentioned her let’s talk about Kate. She is one of Tanya’s ‘sisters’. She has an ‘electric’ personality. Seriously, she shocks people. That’s her power, which makes her cool. Unlike, her sister ‘Tanya’ who it appears to have the power of being slutty. Also, I just like the character of Kate. She seems cool, which is why Team Seth should have gotten the role and invited me to visit her on set so I could meet Lee Pace (Thanks a bunch, Condon. * note sarcasm *)
SWD
: Ohhhh, they were from the Alaskan coven, I’m starting to remember (I’m totally lying. And wondering just how much wine was I drinking during my BD reading that I don’t remember a Patriot, I love 18th century dudes! Seriously, look at the $10 bill, Alexander Hamilton is hot… maybe even the original #HotAlex).

The rest of the Alaska Coven:
Tanya
: We all KNOW Tanya. Attempted deflowerer of Edward. Seducer of human men. The casting of which many of us are not to wild about. I am attempting to wait and see on this one. She does look cat like.
SWD
: I remember her hair description. I remember she has platinum blond hair in that cute Drew Barrymore in Scream cut, right? Or wait am I confusing her with the other one? Ugh which one is in Midnight Sun? Midnight Sun, now that (rocked) sucked! I’d rather (have crows peck out my eyes than) read the extended histories of Casius & Carlisle’s Scarf Tying techniques than the rest of  that (masterpiece) drivel.

Irina: Maggie Grace from LOST is playing this character. This is the sister who turns in the Cullens to the Volturi, because her boyfriend Laurent got ripped apart by the wolfpack. Two thoughts: 1. Wouldn’t be great if Laurent would show up in a flashback and 2. She played Ian Somerhalder’s step sister in LOST! (You knew I had to add him in here somewhere.)
SWD
: (*thinks: Smolderholder’s in LOST? Yes, another pop culture phenom I missed.)Yes, we need more Laurent. I want to see more of his Pimp suits.

Eleazer: As previously noted on LTT, he’s being played by Dexter’s Ice Truck Killer. He was very creepy in that. but young looking. I always imagined him looking older and distinguished. Why? Because, Eleazer was the talent agent of the Volturi. Like their own version of Ari from Entourage, finding talented vampires. Hmm…Jeremy Piven might have been an interesting choice.
SWD
: Ha ha got it, Ari= Eleazer, Aro= big budget movie franchise

Carmen: Eleazer’s lady. Liked ‘the baby’. Seems to be an Esme type character.
SWD: “Liked” as in “tried to eat”? Or she really just changed diapers and stuff?
EC: All the vampire ladies were itching to get to those diapers. Which I find odd, since I welcome others to do it for me all the time.
SWD
: You mean your baby right? You’re not sportin’ the Depends are you?

Get more educated after the jump! Continue…

92 Commented


Open Weekend Post: Vampires Suck (or some people think)

The movie Vampires Suck opened this week & Luludee sent us a letter about it just in time!

Dear Twilight,

Imagine the sound effects for THIS bling!

Let me be the first to congratulate you! Or maybe I should be the first to say “Bummer dude.”

Either way, I think we can officially say that you’ve finally made it. No, you haven’t received any Academy Award nominations, nor have you received any “worst movie ever” nominations, at least not that I’m aware. No, something else altogether has happened. You’ve managed to garner enough attention, thanks to all your adoring fans, that civilians have finally taken notice of all the money to be made off of you of your greatness and decided to make you your very own spoof movie.

If this were a just world, Vampires Suck would be directed by Mel Brooks, or at least have the involvement of the Wayans Bros. or Anna Faris. Think of it, you could have gone down in history with the likes of Dracula, Frankenstein, Scream and even
Star Wars! But alas, we live in a world where aging drunken frat boys take care of their younger “brothers”, so unfortunately for
us, this gem comes from the defunct line of fill-in-the-blank [spoof] Movie.

Let’s take a look, shall we?

I dunno, I’m feeling a bit torn. I mean, let’s be real here. We all come to this blog daily to make fun of you. Hell, if we pooled all our talents, we could have written a smash spoof of you. But we would do it out of love. This movie was defs made by and for some resentful husbands. Are those random women in red bikinis supposed to be some kind of objectification lesson? Nice try guys.

 

Ladies (or Bella) you're in for a real teat, I mean treat!

My guess is that the trailer has the highlights of the movie. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t look funny at all. Admittedly, I chuckled at a few parts – the segway, and the wolfpack raining men in particular; and I saw a clip on tv (that I couldn’t find online) where Jacob sees a cat and chases it. When I did a Google Image Search of the movie, I happened upon a picture of Edward sparkling/blinging, and a half-man, half-wolf version of Jake and noticed that they even included extra nipples. I checked out the IMDB page and I cracked a smile at the change of ‘Cullen’ to ‘Sullen’. A Ken Jeong appearance almost gives me a glimmer of hope. And maybe it’s just me, but spoof-Jasper actually looks menacing at about 0:21. (Spoof-Alice looks scary at 0:14 but for completely different reasons….poor girl.)

And you thought Michael Sheen was scary...

Let’s look on the bright side. We all know that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, and it could be said that nothing marks
your presence in the annals of film history like your very own spoof movie. Just as Nirvana knew they’d hit the big time when Weird Al parodied “Smells Like Teen Spirit”, so too can you finally rest assured of your success.

Does this mean I will be seeing this movie?

I honestly don’t know. Maybe as a rental.

Don’t judge me.

Laughing at you but loving you just the same,
Luludee

P.S. Does Summit know about this? Will there be an epic Studio-Showdown over copyright infringement? If so, can you get me box seats?

So..!? What do you think? Will you see it? Have you seen it? I know one friend who has and she said it was pretty funny. I’m pretty sure I’m gonna see it because of this and this alone:

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

58 Commented


LTT Mailbag – The Crazies email us (again)

MAIL CALL!!!

Dear LTT-ers, Twilight cast members, characters and Stephenie Meyer,

Of course you guys know that we’re NOT you and we don’t answer emails written to characters or Rob (unless we’re bored and intern Rob needs busy work) but we definitely read them, pass them back and forth and then post them here for all of us to enjoy. You can’t get the crazy in your inbox and NOT share with your pals!

Dear Stephenie,

This letter is for you personally… I am a fan but I’m not obsessed with it… I just want to know why you didn’t have more go on with bella and jacob… I think it would have be better if you had edward leave for a reason and bella went to jacob… they go off to college to get away from it all and then….. edward make an appearance… bella think she’s thinks she is seeing things and doesn’t think to much… but than she starts seeing him more and more… then……………… jacob and edward start battling for bella because she can no longer choose between them… that book should have been between the thrid and fouth… Also in the fourth one you shouldn’t make jacob fall in love with a baby… I’m just saying this because people on my rez even agree with me

Love,
Britbrit

Dear Britbrit,

I’m glad you’re not one of “those fans.” You know, the kind that writes a letter to a random blog thinking it’s me, thinking I’m just looking for new story lines for my completed saga that doesn’t fit into the original story AT ALL. I’m thankful you’re not that kind of fan. Thanks for the ideas, I’ll consider them.

Oh and tell your rez to suck it. I like the baby.

Love and kisses,
SMeyer (not really)

hey catherine hardwicke

i was just wondering if you would consider reading a series for me and maybe start making the movies. i know its probably a really kinda dumb thing to do but i really like this book and i thinkk you could do some amazing stuff with it! it is called the house of night series and the books are called marked betrayed chosen untamed hunted and tempted. and i was also wondering if you took these books and made them in to movies if i could play a part in them i have always wanted to be an actress and maybe even some charicters from the twilight saga movies i think taylor lautner would be good in it and same with nikki reed and ashley greene! so i was just wondering if you would at least consider it thanx so much i really do want you to read the book i think you would enjoy them thanx. please reply back!!

tasyna

Dear Tasyna,

What about US?!

Love,
Robert and Kristen

PS Catherine Hardwicke wasn’t available to answer this email as it conflicted with her pre-scheduled ribbon cutting ceremony at the Anaheim TGIFridays. She sends her regards. We think.

I have this question for Kristen. Where did you go for acting classes? I have been thinking of starting up acting, but I don’t know where to start.

Peace,
Anna
92% of teens would be dead if Abercrombie and Fitch said breathing was uncool. If you are the  8% laughing, copy and paste this for your signature!!

Dear Anna,

Why the Kristen Stewart School of Acting, of course! I created my own method. It’s like breathing. You should try it.

Love,
Kristen

PS 92% of teens would be dead if Abercrombie and Fitch said breathing was uncool. If you are the  8% laughing, copy and paste this for your signature!!

Oh you crazies, you never fail to make our day… or at least make the 2 minutes it takes for us to read these missives of whackadoo. Please never stop and we’ll never stop NOT replying to you.

xoxo,
Moon

Who wants to volunteer to be our LTT intern to read all this mail? Should we make Rob the intern come over here and answer this mail as well? Are you one of “those fans?” And what about that Abercrombie line, are kids still wearing that stuff? I wore some of that in high school!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

57 Commented


The Husband and Twilight

Mr. Choice is the president of this club

Dear men interested in being with me,

Hello. My name is UC & I’m in the market for a new man. Tonight after almost falling to the ground from a dizzyspell and spending the evening going from the couch to the bed, dizzy everywhere I went, I decided I was ready to move on from Mr. Choice. He’s just not cutting it anymore. First of all, it took him approximately 48 seconds to come and help me get up from the bathroom floor after I experienced my first dizzy spell- and then he forced a sugary sweet drink down my throat (note SUGARY, not salty..not what you think) THEN when I asked him to help me with an LTT for today, he said, “No.” It’s OVER. Worst husband ever.

So if you’re interested:

  • I’m currently experiencing dizzy spells & it’s either nothing at all or completely serious. We’ll see
  • I love cats, cupcakes & Christmas
  • I spend an extraordinary amount of time online
  • I’d prefer it if you’d look like Robert Pattinson
  • And if you were rich
  • And a good cook- I like eggs
  • And you must want to roleplay as a vampire. I’ll call you Edward- I’ll explain later
  • And you must write at least one LTT for me weekly…. I need a break.

Any takers? In the meantime, be jealous of ThePlaneFriend who has a man much  nicer than that horrible Mr. Choice!

Dear Ltters,

I have the best husband in the world. Truly. To give you an idea how much I adore this man, I am going to make a shocking confession. I wouldn’t even trade him for Edward. (I would, however, want Edward to teach him the leg hitch).

The Plane Husband (I guess I’ll call him that since I’m The Plane Friend) said he wanted to read Twilight a few days after I finished it. This was because I would barely talk to him on a 16 HOUR plane ride to India as I read it and then New Moon—and then made him take me to the nearest Mumbai bookstore to buy Eclipse and Breaking Dawn so I could finish the series (and then read it over and over and over again). I was in India, mind you, and should have been focusing on something other than vampires. But I couldn’t. (And, as luck would have it, the Indian bookstore had both books in paperback. It saved Plane Husband some money, b/c I would have bought them in hardcover in the US despite his protests to get them from the library).

Plane Husband wasn’t won over as an instant unicorn, but has slowly made his way through most of the series in the past two years in between reading other (more manly, most of the time) selections. He has come to all the movies with me. And he’s rather amusing when he talks about them. See the following:

After finishing Twilight:

Husband: “No wonder you like these books so much…this is basically porn for women!”

(I admit that I had been a little more amorous than usual [like wanting to get it on pretty much every day] during the week I lost my Twi-virginity, which I think might have tipped him off).

Me: “So are you going to forbid our daughter from reading them?”

Husband: “Yeah, until she’s married.”

After watching New Moon, in the theater, on opening night, with a lot of screaming teens:

Husband: “I felt like I was in a strip club”

Me: “How would you know?  You’ve never been to a strip club, have you?”

Husband: “No, but I imagine it would be a lot like that.”

After watching Remember Me a few weeks ago:

Husband: “You know, I always thought the whole Twilight cast was terrible, but I think Robert Pattinson is actually a good actor now. Is everyone else just really bad?”

Me: “To be honest, I’ve always thought it was a combination of the screenplays, stuttering Kristen Stewart moments, and the impossibility of taking a fantasy novel written in first person and translating it on screen effectively.”

Husband: “I still think it might just be all the other actors.”

In the car this past weekend, talking about Breaking Dawn:

Husband: “I feel like, with this being the last book and everything, there should have been more action at the beginning. Bella narrated the first what, 100 pages? Nothing happened. Now that Jacob’s narrating, there’s finally something going on.”

Me: “What do you mean nothing happened? Edward and Bella got married, they went on a honeymoon, had vampire-human sex, and made a freaky baby. Stuff happened.”

Husband: “It dragged. I mean, c’mon, Edward is really rich, right? I was expecting something more impressive for the honeymoon.”

Me: “More impressive than taking her to a deserted island with a mansion and the bath-water warm ocean? That’s every girl’s fantasy—even without the perfect vampire. You’re with the guy you love. There’s no one around to distract you…or him. You can have sex on the beach in the middle of the day and know that no one is coming around the bend. Plus, I thought the whole description of how Bella was nervous about their first time was pretty spot-on from the female perspective. It resonates with the intended audience. I was worried about all the same things on our wedding night.”

At that point, we discussed our own wedding night a bit. (Which, oddly enough, was August 13th—but we got married back in 2005—so please don’t think I am one of those crazies who would plan my wedding around sharing Edward and Bella’s anniversary—it’s just fun trivia). And no, I won’t share the sexy times part of our conversation with you, either; it’s my personal fade-to-black, thank you very much.

**Toward the end of the discussion** Me: “At least you didn’t have to worry that having sex with me would kill me.”

Husband: “Can we please stop talking about Twilight now?”

And then yesterday as Husband was reading something on the computer:

Me: What are you laughing at?

Husband: I’m on Letters to Twilight. I figured I should read your post.

Me (in shock b/c Husband has been getting annoyed with me as I have been reading the LTT backlogs and he frequently finds me laughing so hard I’m crying/peeing/spraying water out of my nose as I’m staring at the computer screen and he’d like me to laugh at something he wants to take part in. Online Twilight fandom understandably crosses a line for him): You’re on LTT?

Husband: Yes, and it’s the one and only time I’ll ever be on it.

Me: But what if I have more posts on there? You might be in them.

Husband: I’ll read those too. But that’s it.

So what do you think, LTTers, isn’t he the best?

Love a happily married,

ThePlaneFriend­­­

LUCKY! Wanna trade!???? Jk…. Mr. Choice is pretty cool……He did just make me chocolate milk (I love being sick enough to be babied but not sick enough that I’m really sick)

What have the men in your life done or said about Twilight lately? Any new Unicorn stories to share!???

All images found from stickers on cafepress!

Don’t forget about : While Moon was Gone

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

155 Commented


Open Post: Call us Team Switzerland

Here’s what we’ve learned when it comes to Kristen Stewart: You either LOVE her, or HATE her.  But we’ve discovered the secret to blogging about her while avoiding death threats being sent via misspelled tweets. Although, I’m not sure we want to avoid those… Haven’t you noticed by now we love a little drama? It’s too fun when the crazies come out of their lairs. So, anyway, this weekend we’re bringing you a K-Stew lova’ and a hata.’ Just call us TEAM SWITZERLAND!

Confessions of a Stewlaholic

Dear LTT,

I’m finally coming out of the closet and admitting – I am a major Stew-aholic. I have admitted defeat and realised that I am in the minority but I cannot hold it in any longer – Kristen Stewart makes me question my sexuality. During the course of this fan letter I will talk you through the stages of my apparent Stewsession (see what I did there?!)

Stage 1 – The First Meeting

It’s November 20th 2008 and I find myself sat in a slightly crowded cinema screen with my sister. The God that is Sir Robert Pattinson graces the screen and I find myself head over heels in love with this beautiful, beautiful man. Bella blinks and breathes quite a bit. Two hours later and after a lot of swooning, I leave the cinema screen knowing that this is only the beginning, that HHH will be occupying my thoughts, computer screen and walls for a long while to come. Twilight was an intoxicating experience for me, not having read the books, and naturally Edward was more of a focal point for me than Bella was. And then came the books . . .

Stage 2 – Getting to Know One Another

Naturally, about a day later I found myself purchasing all four books, then proceeding to read all four within one weekend. Bella was a nice companion to read with, she had an understandable teenage girls mind that I felt I could relate to myself, since we’re both ridiculously level-headed and mature for our age. And then I read the series again . . . and again, and my books became more and more tattered as I read nothing but them. I soon found myself entranced by the characters, in particular Bella & Edward, so took to the internet to do a spot of light reading . . .

KStewlaidStage 3 – Intense Research & Analysis

So after a few minutes of googling I find myself useful sites such as www.bellasdiary.com & www.team-twilight.com , which eventually led me to these two wonders, LTT & LTR. The sites open me up to the enigma that is Kristen Stewart, her everyday life and the criticism that surrounds her. A nice 3 week holiday in San Francisco, L.A & Florida later and I return with ‘In The Land Of Women’ on DVD, that I happened to spot by chance in Target and let my curiosity for what she has to offer outside of Bella Swan get the better of me. I must admit, easy-on-the-eyes Adam Brody plays a lead role in making this movie good, but Kristen has the self-conscious teenager role down to a tee, her acting made me admire her even more. So I did what any loyal fan would do and I imdb’d that shit, and as soon as that was done I headed down to my local HMV (yes, that was the music store RobStu were pictured in in London) and bought myself a copy of Panic Room & Into The Wild. (Just to clear up, I did not find her in the slightest bit attractive in Panic Room, I don’t want Chris Hanson on my case . . .)

Stage 4 – Realization

Go Ahead... Click that

So it was around the beginning of October 2009 (almost a whole year after first laying eyes on KStew) that I realised that I have a big, fat lesbian crush on her (so so tempted to quote Mean Girls then..) and nobody can help me now. I’m not in the slightest bit ashamed to admit that the folder entitled “Kristen Stewart” holds more than 80 more pictures than the one called “Robert Pattinson”, (bring on the “wtf’s?!”!).

In conclusion:

Now my daily internet time is mainly spent reading about whatever news my 3 main sites have to offer me on Kristen Stewart.
Being the make-up junkie that I am, I select a picture at random of her everyday and try to replicate her eye make-up since it is always seemingly flawless. I spent a sick day in bed perusing the internet and managed to watch her on Jay Leno three times because I found her so adorable. I’ve based my Art GCSE final piece on her public image and the criticism she receives from the media for her acting. I wrote an essay about her in my English class. And after writing this letter I really do think I have the potential to be a lesbian… Plus she has the most enviable pair of legs I think I have ever laid eyes on.

(Apologies for the over usage of brackets and ellipsis in this letter! They’re like my own personal brand of “irrevocably” and “smooth contours of Edwards chest”).

Lovin’ me some Stewie 2k10,
x.rosa.lie

Team No-Stew after the jump! Continue…

75 Commented


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