Eclipse Reality Index

Dear Eclipse,

My dear friends @Too_Far_Gone & @lula34 and I LOVE Gossip Girl. That means that every Tuesday, after the latest episode Monday night, we share blog posts we found and stories from the episode the night before. And, of course, lusty videos of Chuck Bass. One of our favorite weekly routines is reading The New York Mag’s Gossip Girl Reality Index where they rate the “realness” or “Fakeness” of an episode & arbitrarily assign points. The 3 of us did this for Remember Me and we’re doing it today for Eclipse. Let’s see how real Eclipse really is!

Realer than Jacob’s vivid tent fantasies that Edward obvious knows about and later uses on Bella because they were pretty damn good ideas. In yo’ face, Jake:

Edward tries to distract Bella from studying from her English final – typical horny male behavior. Plus 5

Vitamin R in the afternoon! It’s happy hour at the Swan house! Plus 3

Sex talk between father & daughter just as awkward as one would expect, even though the father is the coolest & has a rockin’ stache’ Plus 7, but “Dad, I’m a virgin” and she’s dating THAT HOT PIECE? Minus 7, because that’s just not fair.

Jacob’s Cheshire cat smile when Bella hops on the bike with him. I don’t even want to KNOW what kind of thoughts Edward overheard after that. Plus 4

Wonder why Bella has no style sense...

Renee’s white trash outfit at the beach- so Florida plus 3

Chief Black wearing a cowboy hat as a replacement headdress. SWEET. Plus 2

The “let’s sit around the campfire and tell wolf pack/3rd wife stories” scene is just as boring on screen as it is in the book. The upside? It’s the perfect time to go potty and grab a pack of peanut M&Ms. Plus 3

Rosalie THROWS the paper across the room before stalking out to the porch, remaining just in sight of everyone in the living room. Plus 5, because I’ve pulled this move at least once in every fight I’ve had in the past 6 months. A proper bitchy departure takes practice.

Rosalie’s attitude and general hatred of Bella – very realistic, possibly because Nikki actually hates Kristen in real life? Either Plus 3 for Art imitating Life, or for excellent acting on Nikki’s part.

Leah’s bitchy attitude towards Bella when she stops over to see Sam & Emily, plus 8, because the girl has to hear Jacob’s very vivid thoughts about her. And unless Leah’s a closeted lesbian…. no girl wants to hear that….

My boobs look great in yellow

Having Anna Kendrick’s Jessica be the Valedictorian of their graduating class, giving that awesome speech so that her mere screen presence could class up the joint? As real as the hair on her head. And probably only her head, because everyone else in that cast wearing a wig. (Also, we needed her presence desperately, even for only a few minutes, because Michael Sheen wasn’t in Eclipse. Sad.) Plus 23

Edward proposing with a miniature cheese grater ring (approved by Stephenie Meyer, TM) and giving Bella blue balls, all in the same night? Yep, that’s totally Eclipse. Plus 38 but minus 12 for my blue balls

Everyone at the graduation party is in cute dresses and heels… Bella shows up in a blue chambray button-up and jeans. Plus 3 for realistic costumes, Minus 1 for the chambray shirt.

Jacob tells Bella she’ll warm up faster if she’s naked. Plus 30 for the attempt

Victoria uses her boobs and other ASSets to make Riley do what she wants. How else does a woman get what she wants from a man? Plus 8.

While showing the wolves how to throw down against an army of newborn vamps, Jasper whoops the asses all of his family members. Except for Alice. Because she is badass. But she kisses him anyway. Because that is who she is and that is why we love her the most. Plus 17

Anyone spot the vampire in the 3 piece suit and wool overcoat? Riley doesn’t discriminate when it comes to making newborns! Plus 4 for anti-discrimination.

Jacob has a camo-bedspread. Plus 35, because it’s all in the details.

Points= 181

See what’s fake after the jump! Continue…

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I’m gonna BING Summit and tell them to stop product placement

Yep! This is Letters to Twilight, you’re not going crazy. Look different? It better. It only took us a year and 3 months to make this happen (literally) More about that after today’s letter!

Dear Twilight,

I recently had a conversation with 2 friends of mine and we came up with some really good ideas that we thought we’d throw out to you in case something falls through with your contract with Fancy Feast Cat Food (“Cause Edward wouldn’t eat a skinny cat”) or Depends Undergarments (“Cause after 108 years, sometimes you need something to depend on) Can you tell I’m in advertising?

BING Twilight

Click- cause the top result is brilliant

EastFriend: Dude– did you see on Gossip Girl last night that Jenny “BINGed” cancer. I almost threw up. Freakin’ Vamp Diaries had a BING moment 2 weeks ago, too. The CW as a whole must be selling out.

Wonder if Summit & the CW are in bed together? Both suck limp peen.

UC: if someone BINGs something in Twilight…. like Bella Bings “how to bang a vampire” I will CUT A BITCH.  You GOOGLE THAT SHIT Bella! BING is for dads & grandpas. Tell Edward he doesn’t know what’s cool on the interwebs- he’s too old.

Too_Far_Gone: PS that should totally be a blog post in my mind – what people should NOT do in eclipse + product placement & how much summit sucks limp peen

UC: hold on… I’m gonna go BING what date exactly Eclipse Burger King hamburger wrappers come out and when exactly I can expect to see Edward’s face on my birth control pack

Too_Far_Gone: Yes- go BING all the merch that they are not putting out that they should be branding with Edward’s face. How about:

  • gold wrought-iron beds
  • pillows with extra feather stuffing
  • headboards designed to break down the middle at the slightest touch

EastFriend: I just want Twilight tampons. Blue ones, since Edward’s partial to that color. “Freesia-scented & guaranteed not to leak. ‘Cause our lives depend upon it.”

And don’t think some lame-ass teeny bopper hasn’t tried to invent bruise tattoos. You know…for authenticity’s sake. Ew.

UC: We should really get Bed Bath & Beyond to make a whole Twilight line. Of course there would be a purple line. And then gold brocade fabrics- drapes and a curtain to surround a four poster deep mahogany bed. Perhaps Gap could make a sleeveless button up shirt…And pair it with this season’s jorts on the mannequin next to a sign saying “Now you can have them both- Jacob on the bottom, Edward up top.”  We’re on to something here!

EastFriend: OMS–bed bath & beyond–The Twilight Linen Collection!! Brilliant! There would be, of course, the Isle Esme Collection & the Cottage Collection, which brides-to-be & cougars could purchase. And Too_Far_Gone’s idea of the gold shiz from Edward’s room…for the single ladies.

And then we must have the requisite wolfpack offering, complete with earth-toned sheets, denim duvets, & quilts with pine needles embroidered on them.

And then the Carlisle Collection–for those with higher standards & impeccable taste- 1000 thread count sheets, cashmere throws, silk pillows. (Just what the doctor ordered)

And I’m not sure how to package the Emmett & Rosalie collection- but I think Frederick’s of Hollywood could figure out how. ‘Member in Breaking Dawn when Edward tells Bella how difficult it was to be around those two when they were first together? I always took this to mean that Emmett & Rosalie were freaks on a leash. I’m talking vinyl sheets, baby oil, & a Cullen Crest-emblazoned Liberator, with optional wrist restraints & blindfold.

Now I can be embarrassed to PAY for the embarrassing crap I'm buying!

UC: Gosh.. it’s so expensive to keep my Twilight collection up to date with all the Burger King parifinalia, action figures from Toys R’ Us, books Stephenie keeps writing, Edward Cullen vibrators & Cullen Crested Liberators, plus gold brocade bedding & jorts & wolf tails and pencils and papers and notebooks & trapper keepers not to mention replicas of Bella’s 90s-era Seattle grunge-wear!!!! I’m going broke! Good thing I got one of these pre-paid bad boys for my birthday from Moon!

This sarcastic conversation brought to you by 3 sarcastic girls, kinda annoyed that our TV shows, book series & movies we love are being hijacked by promotions for water that’s not even that good, really bad fast food, PRE-PAID credit cards, children’s toys in Happy Meals and whatever they come up with next. And it also serves as proof that I came up with the idea, therefore I should get a commission, when BING cuts a deal with Summit. Cause you KNOW thats about to happen…

Gotta go take my Reneseme prenatal vitamins,
UnintenededChoice

What would make an awesome aka awful Twilight promotional product?

After the jump, hear all about our NEW site & enter to win something to celebrate!!! Continue…

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