The Top 19 things I think about Taylor Lautner on his Birthday

Tay Tay's idea of a good birthday

Dear Taylor,

Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to YOU
you look like you’re the kinda guy Chris Hansen is gonna come after soon…
Happy Birthday to YOUUUU

Moon & I were talking the other day about how we have these perceptions of celebrities (mostly Twilight stars) and their lives that most likely are exaggerated or completely untrue. Like, does Nikki Reed actually have multiple STDs (probably) and WILL Ashley Greene for sure try to steal someone’s boyfriend if she ever meets him (most likely). And DO Rob & Kristen really make the sweetest love with bubbles popping all around them & kittens & bunnies running in circles while they’re on a bear skin rug? (Duh). You know what I’m saying. Sometimes we run with a quote from an article, or idea or rumor SO far that we truly start to believe it ourselves. So for your 19th birthday, I thought I’d share the Top 19 things I think about you that may or not be true:

1. You’re still so obsessed with Taylor Swift that hers is the only CD you play (yes, I also think you’re the one person left on earth with a DiscMan) and you have magazines of her stacked in your hotel room & the walls are papered with posters of her. Plus you buy Clean & Clear face wash. Just because she’s in the commercials.

2. You actually carry around a baggie full of meat wherever you go & a bottle of ketchup in your back pocket at all time.

3. Despite being one of the highest paid actors of the last year, you still live at home with your parents when you’re not filming & you have a twin bed, share a bathroom with your sister & on occasion can be found playing with Teenage Mutant Ninja turtle figurines that you still have stashed in your closet

4. This is legitimately how you looked before fame:

5. Your dad is really your BFF and you two actually own all the Olive Garden franchises found in The Valley. Plus you bought that cookbook where you learn the secrets of chain restaurants, and the one thing you DO use your hard earned money for is a private chef- but he’s only allowed to cook from the Olive Garden section of the cookbook. And occasionally the Red Lobster pages. But he doesn’t tell Big Daddy

7. Sometimes the person in the hotel room next to you wakes up in the middle of the night to someone groggily singing what sounds like the Taylor Swift song “Back to December.” You sing it in your sleep

She won't leave me alone!!!

8. Instead of explaining to your friends who visit the set who “Renesmee” is who you have been filming a lot of scenes with, you just say she’s one of the sound guy’s daughters who follows you around and wants an autograph

9. While you’re a black belt in Karate & could probably hold your own against some of the greatest fighters out there, you’re deathly afraid of spiders. And ironically, wolves

10. You actually have no Native American in you & are actually a natural pale skinned red-head. Hair dye & a tanning bed have changed your life.

11. Considering one of your favorite movies is The Notebook (according to IMDB), you have a bigger crush on Ryan Gosling than I do. And I didn’t think that was possible

12. You only like the feel of leather against your skin. So instead of cotton sheets, you commissioned a special set of all leather sheets for you twin bed in the Lautner family home

13. You learned that in Hollywood and throughout most of the world, being a good Christian boy confuses people into thinking you’re gay (the leather and subscription to Men’s health don’t help either)

14. You are adopted. But Big Daddy Lautner won’t tell & still blames your differences on a “thyroid issue”

15. Every year for your birthday Rob has bought you a case of Heineken. Every year you have let it go to waste because you made a vow not to drink until you’re legally able to (21 in the US for all you foreigners!)

16. The$12,500,000 + 2.5% of the gross times TWO that you’re making for Breaking Dawn Parts 1 & 2 are just sitting in a can under your bed. You have absolutely no idea what to do with it (Call me! I have some ideas)

17. You’ve considered being the one who cashes in on the “Robsten” story after People Magazine offered you 2 mil to tell YOUR side of Rob & Kristen’s love story

18. Even though you’re a regular LTT reader, you didn’t realize what we meant when we said Taylor Swift was DTF until the other night when you accidentally watched “The Jersey Shore”

19. When you go to football games or go see the Lakers play, you are actually there for the sport & not just to see the Cheerleaders

Happy 19th Birthday Taylor! I can’t believe you’re almost out of your teen years!!!!

Love US & All of us at LTT! XOXO

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