Yes. We realize there is an entire site dedicated to you (LetterstoRob, holla) but today is ALL about YOU! It is your birthday, afterall! So happy birthday from us, UC & Moon. We’re just popping in here quickly to tell you we collected birthday wishes or gifts from your favorite castmates from The Twilight Saga. And boy are they awesome! We hope you enjoy them!
UC & Moon
For your birthday, you get to spend some time in the Banana suit that randomly travels around with my band, 100Monkeys. Don’t question the reason for the banana. Just jump in the suit and have a good time. Oh, and try not to sweat too much. That thing is a bitch to wash so we haven’t done it, ever. But don’t worry- we bought it only slightly used and it’s been around since ’92, so it’s good quality. Happy birthday, banana man!
Today, Rob, I am burdened with prayer for you. I committ, as your accountability partner, to spend at least one hour in constant prayer for you today. I will pray for a variety things such as your inability to get over Kristen, your smoking habit, for your protection from the Pattinson Pants & Pattinson Tattoo ladies and that you will find the strength to do the necessary exercises to obtain a 6 pack such as mine. I’d also love to go clubbing with you later, if you’re up for it. I met some smokin’ hot ladies in Hollywood last night that I bet we can witness to, ifyouknowwhatimsaying (wink wink!). Prayin’ that it’s a kick-ass birthday, man!
Rob, it’s clear to me that you need another $103 LNA zip-up hoodie so I’m gonna take you to Kitson to get one! It’s on me.. No, no no, I don’t want you paying. Oh fine, you can contribute your budgeted amount for a hoodie. What’s that $40 or $50..? Oh… three dollars? Are you kidding me? Robbie, I think they charge more than that to walk in the door at Kitson…. Oh well, Happy Birthday anyway you cheap-ass friend. Oh and seriously you like THOSE girls more than me?? Hummmppphh. Maybe I should get you a brain and a pair of eyeballs for your birthday instead of a hoodie.
Hey Rob, as we all know one of the main things you’re known for is your hair. I mean remember all the hoopla in December when you cut it off? Or all the questions on the Twilight press junket about your hair and how you never wash it and how it has a life of it’s own? Yea, well we all remember it very well cause we were asked non stop about it. Thanks. So for your birthday I’m going to give you free hair tips since mine is so faboo. I’m also going to teach you how to wash it every few days so people will stop asking that question! I’ll also introduce you to this awesome dry shampoo that you spray into your hair to soak up the grease. It’s a gift
from God himself. And then I’ll let you let me scratch your head and massage your hair follicles to encourage growth. What? You’ve never heard of that? Just go with it babe. Trust me.
Rob, I saw how you were looking at me during the Vanity Fair photoshoot. You couldn’t keep your eyes off me, if I do say so myself. So for your birthday I’m going to teach you the ways of a real mature woman! Forget these GIRLS… I’ll show you ALL the tricks you’ll ever need and then leave you wanting more you’ll be prepared for your future girlfriends.
Hey man, it’s a big day for you and I know you have to juggle a lot what with you “being” Edward and all the crazy fans who follow you to your hotel and trying to put off the fact that everyone thinks you and Kristen are bumping uglies. Let me give you a pointer: get with a Disney girl and walk around with umbrellas and hug in the rain. Everyone will be too blinded by the cuteness to ever care or think to care about you two doing da nasty. TRUST.
Oh and Selena told me to tell you she’ll let you know what happens at the end of this season of Wizards of Waverly Place if you’ll autograph her Edward body glitter container.
Rob for your birthday I want to rewrite Breaking Dawn so that Bella chooses Jacob and you Edward realizes his mistake and he actually marries Ms. Stephenie Meyer Cope, the older more mature woman in Twilight and you take her off to Isle Esme. I’m also going to rewrite the part where you Edward takes my Ms. Cope’s hand and pulls her DEEPER into the water… to read more like my actual NC-17 dream that I had about how the honeymoon REALLY went down. So if you’ll fly down to Phoenix this weekend we can just run through a couple positions ideas I’ve come up with and see what works and what doesn’t. You’ll glower and I’ll show my chagrin and it’ll be awesome! This is really going to be AVN Oscar Awards worthy! I can’t wait!!!
Tags: , 100 monkeys, accountability partner, Ashley Greene, Bella, birthday, body glitter, Breaking Dawn, clothes, edward cullen, Elizabeth Reaser, hair, hollywood, hoodie, isle esme, Jackson Rathbone, kellan lutz, Maxim, Oscar, party, pattinson pants, pictures, Rachelle Lefevre, Robert Pattinson, Selena Gomez, Stephenie Meyer, tattoo, Taylor Lautner, Twilight, vanity fair, Wizards of Waverly Place