My plea to Kristen Stewart: Please bone Robert Pattinson

doin' it and doin' it and doin' it well...

doin' it and doin' it and doin' it well...

Dear Kristen-

I’m writing you two days in a row… I know- check my pulse, I may be ill, but after yesterday when we were treated to the images of you and Rob SHIRTLESS in Italy (aka the day the earth stood still), I knew I needed to talk to you again. I’m ‘unconditionally and irrevocably’ jealous of you. I’m openly admitting this to you on a very public blog in which I usually give you a lot of crap because, you see, to kiss a man like this and not do anything else would simply be a tragedy to the entire human race, female and male. I can’t live in a world where someone isn’t enjoying Mr. Pattinson… oh and uh Rob.

I don't see nothin' wrong with a little bump n grind...

I don't see nothin' wrong with a little bump n grind...

Now I know you and Oregano are an item and swear up and down every day that you’re happily together and whatever… but COME ON! You’re in a foreign country! People do stupid stuff when they’re in foreign countries, like buy leather jackets they don’t need and rub shoulders with the locals ifyouknowwhatimsaying. You should let loose one night and blame it on the goose, blame it on the henney, blame it on whatever but PLEASE PLEASE don’t waste such a great opportunity.

Ok if you’d like to keep denying yourself, Kristen, I’m gonna open this letter up to the following… any takers?

my FAVE pic... that butt slot is just begging me to put a quarter in it

my FAVE pic... that butt slot is just begging me to put a quarter in it

01. Ashley Greene (seriously girl)
02. Anna Kendrick (we already know he was in St. Louis with you, why not Italy?)
03. Elizabeth Reaser
04. Rachelle LeFevre
05. the actress that played Ms. Cope
06. Whoever will play Mrs. Newton
07. The craft services chick
08. The gay dudes from hair and make up
09. the camera man
10. Nikki Reed (you know I’m serious now)
11. Stephanie Ritz
12. Stephenie Meyer (make your dreams come true girl!)
13. The Plumber at the hotel
14. Random Italian grandmas in the piazza they’re shooting in
15. Chris Weitz
16. Dakota Fanning (whats the age of consent in Italy?!)
17. Kellan Lutz, when you guys are spooning in Rob’s hotel room!
18. SOMEONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ANYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, ok I’ll just have to fly over to Italy and DO IT myself! Like they say, if you want something done right you have to do it yourself!

On my way! Oh and get that gladiator costume ready…

PS Don’t forget to check out the inevitable breaking down of these pictures over at Letters to Rob!
Daily chat over at the forum along with a TON of other goodies

Pictures: from EVERYWHERE! Popsugar, Lainey, Robert Pattinson Unlimited, and whoever else helped make this the best day ever!

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Spectulation Thursday

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Dear Kellan,

Man, what a GREAT interview with Access Hollywood! You never disappoint when you whip out your mannipples. I’m not sure I have ever seen a man whose nipples are always doing something fun- yours either look abnormally large or as perky as Megan Fox’s do around Robert Pattinson.

Uh, why are you going to Italy? I know you’re not in any scenes.  Do you want gelato THAT badly? Wanna compare your body to that of “The David?” Are you hoping a gypsy tries to steal your belly bag so that you have an excuse to get in a fight? Is sleeping for free on Rob’s floor really worth it? (Oh, wait…you’re banking on getting his bed, right? Since he’s clearly going to be shacking up with Kristen…)

Yeah, none of the above make sense, so I know what I’m gonna do.  It’s Thursday, it’s been a long week, I’m feeling kinda bored with Twilight Saga news… so I’m gonna spectulate…

You’re going so that you can get your Italy on with Ashley (if you know what I’m sayin.’)

NReed & Kstew move on over! A new fake lesbian couple is in town. Introducing: UCAsh

NReed & Kstew move on over! A new fake lesbian couple is in town. Introducing: UCAsh

Hey, I don’t blame you. Ashley is smokin’ and someone has to be give your mannipples some lovin.’ I hope she can handle it- have you looked at yourself  shirtless in the mirror lately? Those bad boys are hugggeeeee.

Don’t worry- I had some help with my spectulation. Some of The Quad jumped in on the fun:

Me: You know Kellan is just going to Italy to get his freak on with Ash
EastFriend: Duh. All these “they’re not hooking up” haters are on my nerves. (Which is basically every Twi site) I mean, GET THE HELL OVER IT!  Who cares IF they are!? Who cares IF they AREN’T!? Be cool. And then SPECTULATE!

and Moon shared her dream scenerio with me:

Moon: Hopefully Kellan & Ash hook it up out there in italy and then Jackson flies in and rescues her…

I dunno. I like me some Jacksper, and sure he & Ash have some chemistry from playing 18 yr old, married, vegetarian vampires, but I love the way she has described you as her ‘best friend.’ Plus your big, Teddy-bear like ways really get me. I’m on TeamKellan when it comes to who gets to shack up with Ash in Italy. Moon can jump on TeamJackson. Don’t worry- my team always wins. No one can deny you- especially when the other option is a bouffant-headed, bad wig wearing guy like Jackson…

I got your gargantiun nipples back,  baby,

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