Alas poor Swiftner!..We knew thee..NOT so well

Our silence on the topic of the fake-break-up-cuz-they-never-really-were “Swiftner”  has been hard for you. I know. We couldn’t quite put into words what we were feeling since we heard the news. So, we’ll let this fan letter be an offering of sincere sorrow for the ending of our favoritest fake relationship on the entire planet.

Dear Swiftner,

The ice cream and tissues are running out, “Ghost” is being watched and cried over and Streisand’s “The Way We Were” is on repeat. You came (That’s what she said but we don’t believe her cause you’re not legal), we sighed and then suddenly… it was over and no one cared cause some kid in a shoe shirt took pics with Robsten. Did you sigh in relief that the pressure was off? I mean, there were no wrist-holding pictures to squee over, we didn’t even have enough time to make manips of you in sexually suggestive poses or with your beautifully squinty-eyed children in a Lautner family portrait on Christmas day or even a simple slide show set to “Touch Myself” by the Divinyls. I, contrary to popular opinion, am shattered over your demise (Yes he’s back on the market but it’s not like he’ll be professing his love for ME anytime soon *snort* …as a BFF of course)

You’re keeping the true reason for the break-up under wraps (good on ya! Robsten has taught you well) but that means rumours are rife and so, I’d like to address them…cause then I can finally move on and refill my meds.

He wanted to get some protein in her…she didn’t

Apparently Big Daddy was messing up his plans to create the ULTIMATE TAYLOR WORKOUT video. There were gonna be leotards (for both of them…mmmmm), a featurette on the “perfect meat patty” and Swifty’s version of “Let’s get physical” as a DVD bonus that automatically unlocked itself after the 11th of February. Damn you Big Daddy for making junk food look as sexy as you! How could anyone resist?

penis

PENIS

PEEENNISS

i

am

like

It was all a media stunt

Pffft…yeah right…next thing you’ll be telling me that this was aaaall for some movie they’ve been doing…What? Swifty is HOW old? That can’t be right…That means she’s not in high school (wait..does Chris Hansen know about this?) So all these pics I’ve stuck on my sparkly, pink fur three ring binder…it’s all..*blink*…*bite lip*..fake? But all the angles…and the passion…NO ONE makes out that long for a movie right?

a

lame

14

yr

old

boy

!

There was no chemistry

Swifty are you serious? No chemistry? Weren’t you guys all over each other? Holding wrists…err..hands? …making out in taxi cabs?…taking individual pics with kids?…looking cozy at “makes-me-wanna-have-sex-faster-than-listening-to-Marvin Gaye” KOL concerts? NO? Oh right…That’s Robsten…You guys just looked adorably, squee-ably, teeth-hurtingly, un-touchy-feely cute. Does that mean we got it all wrong? Did we jump the gun faster than we would have jumped Rob behind a dumpster? Were you guys just (gasp! shock! horror!) BFF’s all along? Dun dun dunnnnnn….

i miss

swiftner

even

tho they never really existed

Kanye kept butting in …and he brought the Hansen as his wingman

Turns out Kanye wasn’t too pleased with boy Tay’s performance on SNL and squealed on them to Chris Hansen. Who did we see hiding in the backseat with a “Team Edward cause he’s legal” thermos of iced tea, waiting for them to park on “Lover’s Point” and make out to “Your body is a wonderland” ? Yup! You guessed it!…somehow having a 50 year old tapping you on the shoulder asking you to get off him and take a seat UP FRONT AND AWAY FROM EACH OTHER!!! ruins a good night. Add Kanye telling you through the partially steamed up windows that Rizzo and Kenickie had the best make-out scene in a car (of ALL TIME!) and you know the relationship is doomed.

Enablers point fingers at some chick named “Illegal”

I love you guys but there are crazies on other sites claiming responsibility for this already. I just can’t steal their thunder…or their delusional fantasies. My therapist says I can take responsibility for only one celeb break up at a time and currently I’m embroiled in the Robsten saga…I own a kick-ass shoe shirt and I look deceptively 10 years old when I’m actually 23…

Sigh…I can let you go now…unless you’re planning to revisit the epic-ness after February *wink wink*. If it happens, I’ll be there at your next “date”. I’ll be the one holding the boom box over my head blasting Little Mermaid’s “Kiss the Girl” while wearing a pink, bedazzled, “Swiftner forevah!” shirt. Till then…ILY

Off to buy more ice cream and tissues,

Love,

Illegal

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

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