Zombie Hamlet is a real thing and Jackson is in it


Dear Jackson (and other Twilight cast members as a cautionary tale),

So is this the part of this whole post Twilight thing where it’s starts getting sad  and awkward or is THIS a joke?

Cause seriously honey, if it isn’t I’m SO sad right now. Like maybe you were doing this for a friend or you were having fun on a weekend but I’m not sure whoever is marketing this knows that. I’m also pretty sure someone shot this on their iPhone, right? I’m shaming myself but I’m pretty sure one of those 100 Monkey’s guys (or his evil twin) is an actor in this and that makes me think Zombie Hamlet was the ultimate downfall of 100 Monkeys and now we all know who to thank blame for that tragedy.



Was Zombie Hamlet really the shitty straw that broke the camels/100 Monkey’s back? Was even Sheila embarrassed that you had done this “favor for a friend” that she had to put her foot down and insist the band break up? I mean she’s pretty much the Yoko of the 100 Monkey’s even though like NO ONE cares and it’s sacrilegious that I even use a Beatles reference in the same breath as your old band. So maybe Zombie Hamlet has taught us that we owe Sheila a muffin basket or a thank you gift cards to Hot Topic so she can get some more Manic Panic and the Betty Page story so she can buy some more vintage knock off rock-a-billy dresses.

Ok… so…

OMG ZOMBIE HAMLET IS A REAL THING!!! This is not a joke people, I just IMDB-ed that and it has an actual profile. JACKSON! I sure hope whatever Agent still takes your calls after Airbender has a favor left with the people at IMDB and can get your name removed from this ASAP. Oh and don’t think I didn’t see your headshot on IMDB. Really????

Jackson… remember the good times? Remember when we just wanted to not hear you talk and watch you play with you bat? Ahem. Remember when Jasper didn’t look crazy? Remember how my LTT Forum signature still has gifs of YOU (and Rob)? Let’s go back to those times… let’s go back to you not making questionable choices like Zombie Hamlet.

To do this movie or NOT to do this movie, that is the question… you should ALWAYS ask yourself.

PS Are you a dad yet??

Really people, is this a joke? Are we now in that twilight of uh… Twilight and we’re going to be seeing a lot more Zombie Hamlets from z list Twilight’s? Who’s definitely going to Netflix this so you can laugh HARD when it goes straight to DVD?

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20 Commented

Sheila Hafiwhatever – Hope of the fandom

I totally love your music Jackson, I swear. Now do me

Dear Twilighters,

I have found our saviour… the HOPE of our fandom.

Yes, it’s Sheila Hafsadi. And no, I don’t know how to pronounce her last name either. But the face of HOPE she is. No longer is it Barack Obama, but Sheila Hafsadi we can put our future and dreams into. Why, you ask? Because she did what everyone thought was seemingly impossible: hook a Twicast member for life. I know we all thought it was impossible but Sheila’s here to remind us that yes it’s possible. Anyone can go to a 100 Monkeys Concert (though not advised), meet Jackson, get him trashed, jump in the backseat of your Ford Focus with him, get hot and heavy and “oh of course you’re totally on birth control,” get crazy, watch Jackson stumble out of the Focus, then drive off towards the CVS for the pregnancy test you’ll need next month. A month later after it’s confirmed, call him up, drop the hammer, and presto you’re on Summit’s private jet to the European leg of the Breaking Dawn press tour with the girl from Thirteen and that dude from American Idol. I mean really, Sheila makes it all sound so simple, I feel stupid we didn’t think of it first. Only with a less catfish-y cast member. This is what happens when you don’t teach abstinence and birth control at that backwoods “theater” school Jackson went to. BIG MISTAKE!

You guys should totally record a song together. Worked for us!

Now that Sheila’s proven anyone can do it we have a few concerns, first of all if this is only Jackson’s first confirmed child what about the rest of the z list cast? Any cast member’s who’s attended a Twicon in the past could potentially have like 50 illegitimate children out there. So as a precautionary measure we’d think all Twicon giftbags and backstage should be well stocked with condoms otherwise the newly hopeful fandom may get some ideas about the backseats of their Ford Focus’s.

It’s kind of amazing Jackson’s dodged a bullet this long, here’s hoping Mike Welch is “safe” at the next three day Breast Cancer Walk.

Here’s to the new hope in the fandom! We salute you, Sheila! Here, here! *starts chanting* YES WE CAN! YES WE CAN! YES WE CAN!

(perfect for printing, hanging and taking tips from)

Wrap it up kids!
Moon and UC

REALLY Jackson?! 4months along?! Anyone? This has to be a happy “surprise” and not planned, right? ANYONE?! And what about Jackson’s Texas living, conservy parents??? Poor Mrs. Rathbone.

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234 Commented

The Hale’s (or the Cullen’s) do Southern Europe

Dear LTT-ers,

Seriously, this European tour has been like the best thing Summit has ever done… I mean besides financing and making the films… and bringing us Robert Pattinson… and Butt Crack Santa and that film 50/50 but BESIDES that this tour has been the best thing to happen to Twilight. We’ve gotten mid 90s goatee Rob, not so blind items, swirly boob dresses, pictures from late nights at bars and all kinds of good stuff. And now we get Nikki and Jackson in southern Europe bringing us all the best of the b-list Cullen (or Hale as it were) siblings! I can’t lie, I’d even listen to a song by 100 Monkeys right now, I’m so excited at the prospect of this. Ok, maybe not that.

Jackson: Nikki, you are looking smoking hot tonight and I’m not saying that just because my six shooter is smoking in my holster
Nikki: I know, I’ve had to fight off some girl called “Moon” who kept trying to steal my shoes and dress. Crazy bitch. So what the HALE is up with your outfit?
Jackson: I was super lucky that Rome had a Wild West Costume Rental Shop to replace the clothes the airline lost. I can’t imagine walking down the carpet in something John Wayne wouldn’t approve of. Amazing, right?
Nikki: Amazing’s probably not the word I’d use…
Jackson: Yea, more sexy totally.

So my guesses for what Nikki Reed’s tattoo says are: “I Got There First,” “Original Nonsten,” and “My dad’s old girlfriend was the director of the 1st movie, I was the one to get him cast.” Ok, so that last one probably isn’t it. But ya know. Close enough.

Sadly, it looks as though Jackson’s partial facial paralysis is back. He really should look into getting that checked out. Oh and YEEEfreakingHAW.

How many snakes and Saloon owners had to die in order for Jackson to wear clothes in Italy and Madrid? Where is Peta on this guy?

During the Rome Q&A we got this gem:

Rathbone recalled, “I remember the first time we met, we were at the airport heading to the film’s set. I had my beloved guitar and the agent at check-in did not want me to carry it on the plane, but for me it was really important. Nikki was there and convinced them let me carry it aboard [the aircraft]. From day one, Nikki was on my side.”

Looking at Jackson during the tender and heartfelt moment, Nikki said, “You are wonderful,” to which Jackson replied, “You are a beautiful person.”

Nikki didn’t have the heart to tell him she regretted that decision after she asked him to play her a few songs from his “cool, new band he just started with some of his smoking buddies.” Memories guys, that’s all we’re gonna have left in a year.

So thank you Breaking Dawn press tour and Summit for putting this on. This is helping make the next 19ish days whiz by! And really next time can we put a limit on Jackson’s snake skin items to one? Thanks.

Ciao and Adios and stuff,

Are we loving the folks they’re sending out to do this press tour? Have any of our readers seen the cast at these events or out and about?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

40 Commented

Breaking Dawn is trying to sell us something else

Dear Breaking Dawn Promo stuff,

Sometimes I get the feeling you are trying to sell me more than just the movie. Like when I look at the promo pictures it feels like there’s really an underlying message or brand I’m being sold. It’s as if the Summit Marketing team got together to come up with some ideas for “brand partnerships” to create “film and corporate synergy.” Yea, I’m pretty sure the word “synergy” was used a lot… So when I saw this latest batch of promo headshots from Breaking Dawn I knew I had to be onto something…

Poor dude who plays Caius, with every movie he loks progressively more and more like Fabio. They might as well just give him a tub of butter to hold while he’s sitting behind Aro in the Voltera, Italy scenes and help make some extra money with product placement.

Charley Bewley is like one faux hawk and guy liner fueled make up and hair session away from his own Ed Hardy ad campaign. Poor guy, it’s not like he wants a rhinestrone tiger havng sex with a Koi fish on his chest, give the guy a break folks.

Carlisle’s not just the president, he’s also a member!

Dude, Carlisle is already winning the race for worst wig in Breaking Dawn and we haven’t even seen the film yet. YIKES.

Sure, most of Kellan’s life has been spent looking like an outtake from International Male Catalogue but we don’t need the official promo shots reminding everyone! Though I’m pretty sure Emmett did some Internantional Male Modeling in the 80s, I don’t want to see his mesh shirt collection any times soon.

(For a good time google image search “International Male Catalogue”)

Why does Edward ALWAYS end up looking like an Insurance salesmen/Real Estate broker/Weatherman/Boringest Person In the World??? How is it possible to make Robert Pattinson look like the dad across the street? Stop trying so hard Wardrobe Dept! We know he’s 107 years old, we’re supposed to be tricking the dumb Forks, WA townspeople not making a neon sign pointing to this guy saying “This guy could be your great grandpa not your son’s classmate!”

Sorry Alice… Sorry Twimoms but COME ON! Though I feel this latest incarnation of Alice’s hair is probably closeted to how Stephenie describes it, it still looks like she should be loading up orange slices and Capri Suns into the mini van.

While Emmett was busy modeling for International Male in the 80s, Jasper deciding to make some extra dough moonlighting at the local Chippendale’s club. Doing that face the entire time. Just that face, some cuffs and a g string. All night long. Try not to laugh. When Chippendale’s went belly up because of a Bachlorette party done awry Jasper made the move to modeling heinous man jewelry for Hot Topic. They already have replica Bella saint bracelets, the wedding ring and Alice’s velvet choker (!!!) why not take the next step and offer the small male contingency who loves Twilight some Jasper jewelry? I know what I’m getting The Font and White Yorkie for Christmas! Terrible  jewelry!!!

Am I the only one who feels this way about some of these promo’s? Maybe I should be hired by Summit to oversee Brand Synergy! Clearly, I have a knack for what’s happening.

Off to Chipendales!

Why do they always look so crazy? Do you guys feel the same way?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

25 Commented

The exact moment NONE of these things happened

Dear LTT-ers,

You know those moments you have an epiphany? It’s the exact moment you realize something that changes everything. Well I think we’ve caught some of our fave (or the one’s who showed their faces this week) cast members having epiphanies…

This is the exact moment Dakota realized her career was being eclipsed by her sister Elle’s…

Who needs Tom Cruise on speed dial when you used starred on a movie directed by JJ Abrams and produced by Spielberg? Suddenly that on screen kissy face time with Kristen Stewart doesn’t seem like a big deal when your sister is out taking over Hollywood.
This is the exact moment Kellan knew he was on time to teach Sunday School on his local church

This week he’s going to teach them about Noah on the Flannelgram board. The kids love when he teaches because he does the “voices.” You should hear Noah’s wife.
This was the exact moment Elizabeth Reaser realized her five head was best covered up with a side swooped bang

We agree.
This was the exact moment Jackson saw his reflection in the mirror behind that girls head

And thought “WELCOME TO RATHERBONIA!!!!” ok ok maybe he thought: “Daaaaayyyyuuum playa. I look GOOD!”
This was the exact moment the Holy Trinity realized they forgot to include “final approval on all movie images” to their contracts.

More on this gem later…
We’ve all had those moments, haven’t we? Only ours haven’t been immortalized on a calendar for all over 2012.

Glad I don’t have the paparazzi following me,

Is anyone going to buy this calendar or is it actually the cover for the BD Halloween costumes we’ll be able to buy in October? Do you want Kellan teaching your children from a Flannel gram board? YES!!!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store


78 Commented

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