Open Post: Love Letter to Jackson Rathbone, her new #1!

(Oh Jackson you’re always getting the love even when we dog you! Lieutenant Twilight writes you a letter today while we’ve Gone Fishin’. Tuck it between your banjo-lin and the trimmings from your catfish facial hair to read when times are tough. xo, moon)

Ladies Love Cool J

Dear Jackson,

I love you!

Whew… Glad I got that out of the way.  You see, most people in the twi-fandom have been cast under some sort of spell by Rob.  I never was.  I never understood the draw, ok well I UNDERSTAND it, I just remain unaffected.  You see, for about 11 years I have always had the same #1 celeb crush.  That’s dedication my friend.  And now, you’ve won me over and… well you’re my #1! I don’t know when it happened and I don’t know how I am supposed to let HIM know.  I mean, he’s been there from my tween years! However, after staring at you and hearing what you’d like to dress up as, I at least know WHY it happened!  You see the previous winner of my top 3 was the Johnny Depp.  I was committed to his sexiness from a very early age and continued on until I was introduced to you.

Ranks higher than Johnny Depp?!

You have similar features and want to dress up like characters he has already played.  You play “music” and have terrible tattoos.  It’s like you’re a younger version of him, only you have something that appeals to me more, and that is your awkward sense of humor and outgoing personality.  Unlike my Mr. Depp, who is shy and reserved.  Therefore, you’ve become my #1 man.  My list now reads #1 Jackson Rathbone, #2 Johnny Depp, and #3 Scarlett Johansson (nope, not a lez, but ScarJo is too pretty for me to deny my crush).  So lately I’ve been trying to scheme my way into meeting you and getting in your pants…  I’ve considered a 100 Monkeys show, but alas there are none in driving distance.  I’ve thought briefly about flying to LA to go to a show, but then my conscience kicked in and said that was too extreme.  But is it? I mean I could meet you and never really fall in love or give special hugs because I have a fantastic husband who actually owns a Stetson and Spurs (cuz he really is in the Cavalry! I know… I’m a lucky girl!!)  So I shall continue to swoon over you from a distance and die a little inside if ever you should develop an actual relationship with someone.   Because you have overcome Johnny Depp on my list and he was a multiple winner of “Sexiest Man Alive” and maintained a #1 position in my heart for 11 years!  I hope beyond hope that you can do the same!

Playing Dress up with my husband,
Lieutenant.Twilight

DUDE a hat AND spurs… forget Jackson let’s see pics of Lt. Twilight’s hubs! So what is it about Jackson? Besides Rob Jacky gets the next highest number of letters in our inbox…higher than Taylor even. Whats up with that? Is it the side talking? The weird band? Is it because I love to call him Jacky?

Today is the day- Moon returns home!! I am SO ready! I only wish I could give her a big hug. We’ll talk to you Monday- ready to jump back INTO it!

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Postcards from Bea’s Twilight-less vacation

(Bea writes to Twilight about her well…Twilight-less vacation! Enjoy! XO-moon)

Greetings from Vacation!

Dear Twilight,

I’m nearing the end of a two week vacation, and I miss you.  Less than the husband… but more than the cat.  Is that normal?

“Vacation,” of course, means camping out in my parents’ basement while also visiting the grandparents and in-laws.  The first week was busy busy busy: wedding shower,  family reunion, asking an old friend to be responsible for the baby if the husband and I drop dead, adapting said baby to the three hour time change, convincing grandma that baby does still need a nap at nine months old, shopping for family picture attire, etc.  Even survived said family pictures without being paralyzed by second-hand embarassment (Everybody in solid blue with khakis this time!  Except the redneck wing of the family who will come in green, gray, black, plaid and Hawaiian print! If you’ve visited AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com you have the basic idea).  In any case, I was much to busy to send a postcard to a series of YA books and movies or even miss you unless I saw a particularly fine pair of jorts.

But then week two hit.  Hubby went home, the round of visits to relatives got mundane, baby stopped sleeping like she was hungover and started teething, shopping turned into returns, and the second old friend I saw is in the middle of a very sad divorce.  Altogether less fun.

Bea's trendy baby

I did have a Twi-versation when my sad friend checked out my child’s fangs (top middle teeth aren’t in yet, but side teeth are):

Me: She’s a vampire baby.  Very trendy.
Sad Friend: [snarky snort] Have you read Twilight?
Me: [Guilty pause]  Yeah, I gave in and read them when all my students and their moms were.
SF: I just can’t do it.

Like I said, not terribly fun.  I was shooting for Jacob-esque sunshine but only managed Mike Newton-ish semi-distraction.  At least I didn’t puke on her.

Fold into the equation the fact that at the end of week one I finally got to see Eclipse.  Free babysitting meant that I even got to go with the husband, Unicorn-In-Denial that he is.  So for the first week of vacation, when I did miss you, I got to anticipate seeing you.  When we finally managed to slip away from everything I was near giddy (this was the 19th… was I the very last loyal LTTer to see it?).  We had a great conversation with my mother-in-law on the way out the door:

MIL: What are you going to see?
Unicorn-In-Denial Husband: I can’t tell you, it’s too embarassing.
MIL: Is it “The Last Airbender”?
Me: Nope. [Internal monologue: No, but one of the actors is in both films.  Evidently Jackson's specialty is embarassing movies.]
UIDH: It involves vampires.
MIL: Ah… “the saga continues…”

The movie was fun.  I mocked the wigs, cried at Renee’s scene, fell in love with Charlie again, gagged at the ring and swooned in the meadow (Moon, you were so right about Rob finally becoming Edward in this one!  He almost never looked constipated!).

The kind of postcards I would purchase on vacay

But then tragedy struck.  Husband was in a cranky mood due to work thing unfolding at home and would not rehash the film on the way home despite my prodding.  I had to virtually do the Heimlich Maneuver to get, “It was only mildly entertaining.”  The next day I tried my best friend from college, but she left me hanging with only brief wig commentary.  What fun is a Twi-movie without people to discuss it with???  Must start planning for #pillowbite2011 and what I’m calling #NeedToKnow2012.

In short, vacation has become more like real life here in week two and I didn’t even bring a good book to read.  Instead I brought the baby book to fill in… yeah, like that’s going to happen!  My mom “finished” the one she made about me on her way down to meet the grandbaby this fall.  Like I’m going to do my child’s in real time.

And so, I miss my escape from real life: you, my dear, ridiculous Twilight.   But there is a substantial problem.  No Wi-Fi at the parents’ house.  Which means all internet usage goes through the family computer.  In the middle of the living room.  I snuck in once when the baby had me up but everybody else was sleeping and read the week’s LTT but couldn’t watch videos of Jackson side-talking or listen to Stephenie Meyer sound clips.  And then I had to figure out how to delete items from the browsing history.  Because my little Twi-closet door has opened too far already this trip.  Witness the denial conversation:

Mom: How was the movie?
Me: Pretty lousy.  We went to see this one because everybody said it was way better than the others, but it would still make no sense if you hadn’t read the book. [She's also heard the 'my students wanted me to read it' excuse.]

So now I’m sitting on the back deck, with a glass of wine, watching the sunset and writing you a postcard that has somehow become an epistle.  And my vacation is feeling better again.  Tomorrow morning I’ll sneak back to the family computer and send it off to UC and Moon to do what I can to make their vacations more restful.  I plan to have the New York Times open in another window as my alibi.  If there’s extra time before my dad starts looking over my shoulder I might even get to read LTT.  And then delete it from the history.  Because that’s what normal adults do.

Wish you were here!
Bea

We wish we were there too because then we could talk about Eclipse with you and maybe sneak out to see it again once we trick the MIL to watching the kid again. So how about everyone else do you clear your browsing history every time you leave the computer? Are you still really in the Twilight closet?

While Moon was Gone: DO IT!

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59 Commented


Jackson is all of a sudden a side mouth talker? What’s up with that?

Dear Jackson,

Since when did you start talking out of the side of your mouth? I started noticing it when you were doing press for Eclipse and I couldn’t help but wonder wtf was up. When and why did you start talking like a stroke victim? Since I didn’t remember this from previous interviews I thought it must have been a one off incident. Then I saw Eclipse and noticed Jasper was doing it too! I get that he’s from Texas and all and supposed to be a southern gentlemen with a slow drawl but you’re NOT Jasper, sure you’re family may live in Texas now but you were born in Indonesia and went to school in Michigan. That’s not exactly the land of mint juleps and hot summer days with your ya-ya’s and cousins down at the “crick.” So I can only think that something’s wrong.

When did this start? Because I’m concerned for your health I took a look back through the annals (heh) of time to see if this is some sort of slow moving medical issue you should have checked out or just some sort of “method” character trait you’re adapting.

First up we have crazy Jackson as a plucky teen journalist on Disney 411 visiting Hilary Duff backstage at her concert. You really should list Hilary as a musical influence for the monkeys. How else do you explain the sound? So nothing here except maybe an intense addiction to speed or the product of like 5 red bulls from Hilary Duff’s craft service table.

Twilight

Next we have Twilight red carpet event… besides being the most bored interviewer ever she asks some dumb-awesome questions. Slow dancing with a vampire? And which actress do you want to suck?! WOAH there missy slow your roll this is a family show. Ask if again! Ask it again! But alas no paralysis or side talking here, just the ol crooked smile.

(ironic that Bryce Dallas Howard was mentioned?)

New Moon

Not even 8 months ago and there was no side mouth talking just creepy catfish facial hair. Please don’t watch the whole video if you’re scared. Just love the Twicon backdrop and how Jackson may have called Kristen “Kristina” at 128, he just may have been that confused fan at the Eclipse premiere.


And now we have one of the most recent things you’ve done. And the weird side talking mouth comes out. Hey cowboy, you’re not foolin’ anyone!


Of course we have our very own SUPER FAN interviewing you as you talk solely out of the left side of your mouth while giving ef me eyes… no small feat.

So obviously this isn’t some speech characteristic you’ve had forever and ever it’s new and a little bit put on, right? Or is it… Did you have some sort of mini stroke or is that paralysis on one side of your face from a rancid Botox injection you got at a 100 Monkeys/Botox/Pampered Chef private party in a cougar Milf’s house? Are you ok? Do I need to call a loved one or give you 2 aspirin while we wait for the ambulance?

Just let us know, otherwise knock it off.
Themoonisdown

Seriously, am I just imaging this or did anyone else notice this weird side mouth accent come out of no where during the last month or so? Oh and crazy Jackson fans save your breath I know he’s not paralyzed and his family is from Texas. Thanks.

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98 Commented


Twilight eats the month of June (and spits out a SUPERFAN) Part 1

Dear month of June,

I wondered where you went. And then I remembered. You went to Twilight.

First there was that time we met Stephenie Meyer which was kinda cool. I mean meeting a sort-of-hero, someone who inspired us to be who we’ve become, reason we’ve gotten through many of the days for the past year and 1/2? Yeah…. no biggie. We made some videos. Try not to love us too much:

After the epic meeting I put on a new shirt (Thanks Moon!) hopped on a red eye flight home to Philadelphia where I arrived at 6 am. Then I packed some final boxes because friends & family showed up at 8 am to move us ah hour away. I have no recollection of that day.

But I love British Boys....

Oh WAIT, before the British shirt & the red eye & the moving, Moon & I laid at the pool & wrote an article for CREME magazine in New Zealand. They are a teen magazine with whom we’ve become friendly & they wanted to hear about our experience with Stephenie. More on that later.

After 6 days in my new house, it was time to put on my SUPERFAN face. Basically a few weeks prior I got a phone call from my roommate from college who runs Urlesque.com which is owned by AOL which owns Moviefone.com. Moviefone was doing some secret Twilight events, one is in Philly. Did I want to go!? HECK YES! Then she said she could probably get me involved. Would I like to be? HECK YES. Somehow, I end up becoming a SUPERFAN which was actually QUITE fun- I got to interview Jackson Rathbone! SUPERFAN WHAT!?

I was worried about what to wear to interview Jackson. I tried this on but it didn’t seem right….

I dragged along some friends and my sister, who I made promise wouldn’t embarrass me, thought that getting a wolfpck tattoo would hold up her end of the bargain (Which I called The Cullen Crest- #FanFail)

Funny story- after the Jackson deal we went to an art show at a loft down the street from my house in Philly- the artist complimented my sister & her friends on their tattoos & asked if they were FRIENDSHIP tattoos. She thought they were real. As any regular LTT reader would know, you’re supposed to respond, “yes, yes that is a friendship tattoo” but noooo she admitted they were wolfpack tattoos & confessed I was a SUPERFAN.

But first this happened after the jump: Continue…

181 Commented


Open Weekend Post: Hosted by Ashley and Kellan… let’s not make this awkward

Oh hey Jackson, we're just going to play board games...

Dear Ashley and Kellan,

I was just perusing the pictures of you two in Women’s Health Magazine. Besides the fact that I love how much you love women Kellan: the Twicons, the Mammogram videos, shoots for WOMEN’S Health Magazine, it just seems like Ashley called you up and asked you to come “help out” and hang with her for the afternoon because someone else wasn’t available or she was bored. I do just love you and Ashley together but I have one question… does it ever get awkward? I mean between you two… you both say you’re such great friends and you hang out and have board game nights (people after my own heart!) and whatever but what happens when you’re on these shoots and your hand’s like right near the “kill zone” and what do you say when you know Ashley tells people if she was stranded on a deserted island with only one cast member she’d choose JACKSON. The catfish, Jackson and not super hot, Jesus lovin’ Kellan? And Ashley why are you waiting around for super whore Jackson? He’s too busy touring in a band with a dude in a banana costume to come to game night! Stop waiting by the phone!

So are you guys friends… friends with benefits… beards (ahem)… or maybe it’s just you’re both who you call when the one you really want isn’t available. AnnaLynn’s sluttin’ it up around town doing whatever she does and Jackson sluttin’ it up around the US “on tour” with the 100 Monkeys or pushing Airbender and trying not to get killed in a protest about how it’s racist. I know UC and I almost were outside the Arclight last week.

I mean look at these…

Wait, we’re just friends right?


“I love Jesus and Ashley… I mean AnnaLynn… and Jesus”


Hey Kellan, can you wheel that thing over here faster I gotta meet up with Jackson in like an hour.


You wanna be on a deserted island with WHO?

Now I definitely know you can just be friends with someone but if either of you ever suggests spin the bottle or 7 minutes in heaven or hid the salami at the next friendly board game night it might be time to DTR. Just Sayin’.

Your friend with no benefits,
Themoonisdown

So what IS with these two? Sure they say they’re friends but I don’t know if that’s the vibe I get. And HOT DAMN Kellan! Whew. Happy weekend to us all!

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