Twilight 101: Twilight (the book)

Dear Twilight,

I get a lot of people whom I refer to as “civilians” ask me what you are. “What’s this Twilight thing about?” they say.  Seems like a simple enough question, right? But I’d say it’s isn’t so simple. How do you even begin to explain the intricacies and the idiosyncrasies and the “holy crow’s?” With this new series I aim to explain Twilight to beginners and give your fans an easier way to share their love of all things sparkly vampires and the humans they love.

And with that I get you the first installment in Twilight 101: Twilight (the book)

Dear Twilight Newbie-

You may know this as that book with the apple on the cover that made grown women go crazy, your wife disappear for hours on end, your internet bill surge and teens declare sides in the Team Edward vs Team Jacob war that will play out over the following 3 books and subsequent films. Or you may know it as that mega Times best seller than spawned major block buster movies. Or you may know it as that book with the sprarkly vampires. But what’s this book REALLY about? I’m here to share…

Bella, the stumbling accident-prone mousey girl from Phoenix, Arizona moves to Forks, Washington to live with her Dad (coincidentally the town’s Police Chief) because her absentee Mom has married a stud minor league baseball player she met after a spring training game at a TGIFridays and now wants to travel the farm league circuit with him to glamorous places like: Jacksonville, Florida. So Bella takes the hint and moves in with dear, old oblivious Dad: Charlie. Then hijinks ensue. Thinking she’s doomed to live a deary, boring life in Forks, Bella is surprised to find herself the talk of the high school from the nerds to the jocks. But being a girl Bella isn’t interested in safe, boring people who are interested in HER. She can only think about the mysterious boy from biology class and his weird adoptive yet not related beautiful  siblings who oddly enough never go to school on sunny days. But never mind the underlying danger… everything about him draws HER in!

So who are these people you ask…

The Humans-

Stop trying to make fetch happen!

Bella and her school friends and unintended (heh) suitors make up the majority of the sleepy and oblivious unsuspecting town. They include school heartthrob Mike Newton whom Bella describes as a golden retriever and whom mostly reminds us of a Jonas Brother with blond hair or Kirk Cameron AFTER he found Jesus. Pretty much the guy no girl with Daria-like tendencies would want to go out with. In a million-gabillion years. Then there are the girlfriends like Angela. Pretty much that sweet girl who was nice to everyone and befriended the new girl even when she was the flavor of the week who stole all the boys from the girls who has put in hard time. Then we have the “Mean Girls…” Jessica Stanley and Lauren Mallory, who combined are essentially the Regina George of Forks High School to Bella’s Cady Heron. These are the bitches who could be your best friend or worst enemy depending on the day.

The Vampires-

Just your typical neighbor in the Pacific Northwest

These aren’t your Grandma’s traditional vamps or your Anne Rice vamps or your bodice ripping (we wish) vamps. The Cullen family are the Brady Bunch of the Stephenie Meyer vampire world. Sure, they have their dark and tortured pasts but they’ve given all that up in exchange for a few years in rainy weather towns surviving on, what they refer to as, “a vegetarian diet.” Meaning they don’t take a little sip from humans anymore. They hunt down animals and make a bloody mary cocktail that will last them a few weeks, thus making it easier to sit through their 2394294th time as a high schooler. Monotonous you say? Why, yes. Yes it is. And that’s where we find out sparkly protagonist, Edward when he first encounters Bella in Biology class. And barely able to control himself runs out of class to save her and himself and not to mention the 30 other kids in the class from certain death. But of course like a typical dude, Edward is taken by the new girl just as much as Bella, being a total girl is intrigued and pissed off by the mysterious boy. And as they say the rest is history.

Like I said these aren’t your typical vampires, Stephenie Meyer has given her vamps all kinds of special characteristics that set them apart and leave her readers with difficult situations like trying to explain to a vampire lover or even a regular dude why vampires sparkle. And yes, they do sparkle. Why? well who really knows other than it’s a plot device used to differentiate them in the sunlight instead of bursting into flames in like old school vamps. Rather these guys look more like a diamonte choker from the Joan Collins for QVS jewelry collection in the sun.

They also have special powers: mind reading, mood altering, future telling, extreme sexiness and the ability to ‘glower’ at a moments notice. They also appear to have super human control over sexual temptation because there’s enough tension in this book it leaves the Twimoms (we’ll cover them eventually) and the tweens quivering (ew) for years. You wanna know why girls disappeared into their rooms for days on end reading these books? THAT is your answer. That sweet, delicious tension. And his name is Edward Cullen.

See, I told you so!

Notable Quotables-

  • “And so the lion fell in love with the lamb” – THE Twilight quote. Suitable for Etsy crafts, regrettable tattoos and quoting to your resigned boyfriend
  • “About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was a part of him-and I didn’t know how potent that part might be-that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him..” – Teaching teens and grown ups alike the word “irrevocable”
  • “You are exactly my brand of heroin” – Stephenie Meyer’s pro-drug PSA. High Schoolers need more excuses to think up new and exciting non-traditional drugs. A hit of your girlfriends blood? Why not!
  • “Holy Crow” – aka OHHHH SSSHHHEEEEETTT!

Follow the cut for more on the villians, the conflict and some business time
Continue…

137 Commented


Breaking it down: McAdams loves Sheen and some other Twilight news

Dear LTT-ers,

Michael Sheen and Rachel McAdams are an item. I KNOW! And then Tinsel tweeted Gil. Right? And then we told some jokes. And then we broke it down… SURPRISE. So if you haven’t been over to LTR today then let me be the first to tell you this is a double break down day! We hit Rob and now we’re hitting half the cast of Twilight over here… enjoy!

Moon: DUDE we need to talk about micheal sheen with rachel mcadams cause….DAAAAMN SON!!
UC
: YES let’s break THAT shizz down!
Moon
: ok theres a video i watched last night and im treying to find it
UC
: sex vid?
Moon
: hahaha dont we wish
UC
: haha… ONLY if it’s her and The Gos
Moon
: that would blow the robsten magicness out of the water… but whatever theres the proof… can we talk about how he SCORED! i mean hellllooooo rachel mcadams and it says he was with kate beckinsale before this! DUDE
UC
: I KNOW.. what is UP with Michael!? Magical British PeeN? Wait WELSH… he’s WELSH
Moon
: magic WELSH peen who knew?? so im think rachel is a HUGE closet twihard, right?
UC
: oh HUGE
Moon
: and shes just using micheal for either a chance at being in breaking dawn or a chance at getting closer to rob
UC
: its’ what she talks about with michael (and Kate’s) daughter Lily it’s the ONLY reasonable explanation. or to steal something from Lily’s collection
Moon
: thats their bonding time, breaking down breaking dawn with an 11 yr old
UC
: she has Mike’s cape, signed by Stephenie
Moon
: do you think she makes micheal wear his long aro wig when they have sexy times? cause she likes the OLD vamps?
UC
: Yes She does that move from the Notebook and he pulls off her panty hose then she pulls his hair
UC:
clearly I’ve read a fic….Say IT OUTLOUD she yells in a passionate moment, then he does-

BELLER IS ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!

UC: BELLER IS ALIVE!
Moon: BELLER IS ALIVE!
Moon:
Jinx!! this is our next fic we write we only do real life fics
UC
: please write a mini one for tomorrow
Moon
: cause we’re twisted… hhahaha NO

The one where we talk about the Notebook
Moon:
if this is a secret plot to get into breaking dawn, who does she want to be????
UC
: Tanya is taken… and that’s who I’d guess
Moon
: Renesmee??? she has to be team jacob she heard they were using CGI stuff so why not?
UC
: Right she’s got a young innocent face
Moon
: then her and jacob can be all notebook noah and allie in the ocean at first beach

UC: yes- Jake can get a canoe out on the ocean. And it’s the Pacific northwest- it’s bound to rain

Ruff ruff!

Moon: right and he’s like i just want to show you one thing… and it’s a ton of werewolves swimming in the ocean since he couldnt get geese
UC
: doing the doggie paddle
Moon
: i hope BooBoo can swim
UC
: hahah i just heard krazy kidd saying that in my head
BOW BOW
Moon
: hahahabobo hahahaa

Follow the cut for the rest of our break down
Continue…

1 Commented


Interview With The Were/Shifter Part 1 : La Push Edition

Dear Twilight,

Call us matchmakers, call us comedians, call us heroes, call us all of the above, we’ll take whatever you call us (as long as it’s not “Krisbian” ba-dum-ching), but our favorite “role” on LTT is one of enabler- that’s right, even though you wrote a letter for LTT submission back in May or June and haven’t heard back from us yet (because that’s how far behind we are on emails- Summer emailing #fail), we LOVE when you catch the LTT letter-writing spirit & send us the goods. We love that you’ve wasted as much time as we have doing “normal” things like stalking obscure members of the Twilight cast, watching countless fan-made videos & laughing your ass off at 2nd embarrassing people, things and events. And we love when you meet an LTT BFF, start up a blog & share your amazingness with everyone here.

That’s exactly what LTT friends Stacey & Stacey (who met on LTT) did. Today, on Stacey vs. Stacey, they delve into a rarely discussed topic- Jacob & his furry friends:

Vampires, vampires, vampires. It’s like the Supe version of the Brady Bunch. Instead of Marcia and Jan, it’s Edward and Jacob or Bill and Alcide. I can just hear Jacob say, “Edward, Edward, Edward!” Stomps his feet and goes off to pout. These poor puppies get absolutely no play, well a little bit but not like the vamps. So we, the Staceys thought to ourselves, hey let’s help these boys out and give them a say. Taking a page from Anne Rice’s Interview with the Vampire, we will be doing (fake) sit downs with the boys in two parts. First for our LTT friends, we will dive deep (very deep) into the Quilute Wolf pack. Part 2 on [our blog] Talksupe will focus on our furry friends featured on True Blood and Vampire Diaries. These are our transcribed notes: Location 1: Picnic Area. La Push Beach, Forks, Washington

EastCoast Stacey (aka EC): Brrr…it’s chilly out here.
WestCoast Stacey
(Snowwhitedrifted aka SWD): No wonder Bella is always in flannel.
EC: Where the hell are your shirts? It’s like 40 degrees out here * background grumbles *
I get that you’re hot, but seriously it’s just polite to put on clothes when women are around.

SWD: No kidding, hey I think I see “Twin Peaks”. *snickers*
EC: First question, it doesn’t seem to hurt you when you phase. How does it feel?
Jacob: Did you bring food?
EC: Umm…no…Let me check in my bag. Half a bag of Skittles, some Altoids…oh, a Ziploc bag full of GOLDFISH crackers. There you go boys.

SWD: *thinks* that’s such the mom purse snack selection

EC: Hi Leah. *Leah walks off briskly with snacks* Where is she going with the Goldfish?

Paul: Stealing them. Girl, you better bring those back.

EC: Wait…why isn’t Leah wearing a shirt either? Is this a nudist colony?

SWD: Like I said above…
EC: Alright…back to my question. Is this phasing thing actually painless? I watch George on BBC America’s BEING HUMAN and it looks like it hurts! (Honestly, check it out people! The British do it best!)

Jacob: That’s a British Show. I hate British guys. They’re skinny, pale, dress like girls, steal your women… Nope, haven’t seen it. I like watching SPEED and ESPN.
SWD: *says under breath* … and of course the NatGeo channel.
EC: Jacob, I need to ask you about this imprint thing.

*Embry and Jared giggle *
EC: Oh. Hi there, Jared. How you doin’?
Sam: No. If you remember, we signed a contract that you would not ask about Bella’s baby. That question is off the table.
EC: Are you a lawyer, now?

SWD: It’s cool, Stace, J.Jenks gave us the go ahead.

EC: Fine. Good try, Sam. Just calm down. We know what happens when wolf out inappropriately. You know…Emily. I have Charlie’s number on speed dial. Quil? You and the two-year old? Claire?
Quil: Umm…Yeah.
EC: If it was my daughter, I would have a baseball bat with your name on it.
SWD: no kidding.. or scissors.. snip snip.

Quil: I can see that. Do you ladies have boyfriends?
EC: What? We’re both married, to men who wear shirts.

SWD: I make mine wear a black tee so he looks like… nevermind.
EC: Somedays, I make mine wear his gray peacoat. I tell him it makes him look preppy, but really he looks like Ed…
Jacob: Seriously?!? * growls *
Quil: Well Claire and I will be married in sixteen years. I need some companionship. You two are MILFS, and I can tell you like the pecs. *wiggles them*, I’m a vir…never mind.
SWD: I don’t teach.

*Embry and Jared giggle *
EC: Hi Jared! * throws Skittle on the ground * Could you bend over and pick up for me?
Seth: Guys I’ve got to go. My mom just texted me. I have to cut the ribbon to the new Fish Fry on Route 55. Can somebody take me? *scuffs foot sadly* ….or I could hitch hike.
Paul: Hitch hike.

EC: Never mind we’ll take him. Mean puppies.

SWD: I have a carseat.

Love,

EastCoast & WestCoast: Staceys

Even though it still takes us forever to respond, we STILL love your letter submissions! Keep sending them in! And make sure to check out the Stacey’s Talk Supe especially in the next few days so you don’t miss Part TWO of the interview!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

62 Commented


Twilosophy: Special Twilight dates – Should we care?

(Sit back and throw on your tweed and serious glasses as I try to be non-controversial and talk some Twilosophy)

Dear LTT-ers,

Did you know a week ago Monday was Bella’s birthday? And did you have Edward and Bella’s Anniversary marked down on your calendar for August 13th??? And what about the Newton’s Anniversary? And maybe even the day Jacob phased for the first time? Did you celebrate those days or do you even know them? Nope. I sure don’t. So does this make me a “bad” fangirl?

Can't believe this exists. Click to enlarge for maximum speechlessness

I mean sure, we love Edward and Bella. Obviously, we wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for them. We cheered for them when they finally got up the nerve to “be friends.” We gasped and felt 2nd hand butterflies for them when they finally got together. We felt those first love jitters right along with the blessed couple. We even cried when they broke up (be honest!) and we cheered when they got back together (FINALLY 379 pages later!). We jumped up and down when Bella finally gave in and accepted Edward’s proposal. We maybe misted a little when they got married in the Cullen backyard and we definitely sighed a lot during the Isle Esme honeymoon. And who doesn’t remember Bella’s issues with turning 18? Yea, psychotic, I know.

But is it necessary as fans of the books to celebrate their anniversary/birthday/whatever every year? I was just cruising around the interwebs trying to catch up on what’s been happening in the Twidom and I found out that we missed both Bella’s birthday AND Edward and Bella’s Anniversary (GASP! The HORROR!) which is according to come elephant-brained readers made August 13th 2006 their 4 year anniversary. Which means they got married the same year as my brother and sister-in-law and now I will never forget the year and now I can never forgive myself for knowing such trivia. Twilight Bar Trivia Night here I come!

You get this because the Bella/Edward anniversary pics from google are TOO embarassing

So if people post stuff about character birthdays and wedding anniversaries, who are we to judge but what do you get the couple who has everything? 4th year gift is something like paper… and that’s a lame gift.

Do you think Stephenie Meyer herself even remembers the date she gave Bella for her birthday or the date Edward and Bella got married? Maybe… but I bet she remembers the exact date she had “THE DREAM” cause I’m sure it’s like UC and I remembering the day we started these blogs. I’ll always think about LTT and LTR on December 8th every year probably for the rest of my life especially when I tell my grandchildren about that thing called a “blog” I used to write, cause “I’m down with the kids.” DUH! So I guess that’s what it is. It’s about remembering what’s important and special to you. Regardless of how inconsequential it may seem. Remember those special days in your life and pay homage to them because they matter. I guess I should do a little research and see when Buttcrack Santa died so we can host an official memorial every year plus a moment of silence to honor him. RIP. See what I did right there? A good ol BCS reference, haven’t seen one of those in a while, have ya?

March 15th, 1986 (the day Mike Newton was conceived. Duh)
Themoonisdown

PS See, I can be non-controversial when I want to be! Someone give me a Twilight Conversation Heart, forget the cookie.

What days are special to you? Any have a Twilight reference. Also, come clean do you know any of the Twilight special dates like Bella’s birthday? BE HONEST!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

86 Commented


Well when you put it that way…

Dear Twilight,

We love you. A lot. Like A-LOT A-LOT. You know this and we’ve accepted your idiosyncrasies and your quirks and like any good, mature relationship, they only make us love you more. Especially when the movie versions add in totally dumb ones. (shhhh those are our favorites!) But as you know people like to make fun of you and even though we try sometimes it’s hard to explain why you’re so great when people like to focus on the absurd. But they do make great videos. Like this…


“Jacob” kinda has that alpaca look about him, no?

David Slade blew the roof off Eclipse and made even some of the crazy stuff seem totally plausible so what about Breaking Dawn? We KNOW Bill Condon’s got his work cut out for him. Renesmee, births, cottages by the creek, yada yada yada I wonder if he got the cliff’s notes version like this…


Weeeellll when you put it like that…

Plasma TV and AWESOME DVD collection. Maybe these folks should write the script? They know the important stuff.

Oh Twilight, we still love you! Even besides your incessant talk of glowering and Bella’s pregnant foods being eggs and cups of blood instead of ice cream and pickles. We wouldn’t trade you for anything, for realz.

Happy Labor Day!
Themoonisdown

Happy Labor Day to all the folks in the states. Yes, another holiday where we grill stuff and hang out in pools and what not trying to hold on to the last bit of summer. So enjoy your day off and we’ll see you back here this week!

Special Thanks to Mandy and Bea for sending us the videos!Have an idea and want to write a letter while we’re grilling today? Saw a video, a picture, or a news story we need to see? Send it in! DO IT!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

32 Commented


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