Dear everyone who is so freakin’ glad it’s Friday,
I had an EPIC post planned for today. Seriously. You would have laughed till you cried, cried till you laughed and when you finally caught your breath, you would’ve told everyone you know that “UnintendedChoice is my hero- I wanna be like her when I grow up.” Yes. It was that good. But alas, yesterday (the day on which I planned to pen this EPIC post) I woke up with cramps, everything made me cry because of those cramps so I would run to the bathroom at work to have some alone time with my tears. And then in the middle of watching myself sob in the mirror, I’d start to laugh. Because I saw 2 colorful strings hanging outside of pants and trailing behind me. Yes. They were the decorative strings from the bathing suit bottoms I was wearing as underwear and walked around with hanging outside of my jeans for 1/2 the day. And after my laughter, I started to cry again because knowing I was wearing my bathing suit as underwear meant I had to spend my entire weekend doing 6 weeks worth of laundry.
Yeah, my week was like that over and over every day. So I knew the EPIC post would have to wait. So what do I talk about? Should I mention the hilarious tidbit of news 1,000 people emailed us about Buttcrack Santa? Nah. I’ll make you wait for that. How bout I swoon over Jashley’s new photoshoot where they’re kissing? Hmm. I’m gonna keep that for myself. Did Kristen say anything recently to offend the lesbian community? Probably but… I need to laugh. You need to laugh. So I reached into my treasure chest and was motivated to post a second-round of Motivational Posters because they are just what this Friday needs!
Introducing Moon & UC Grade something. It’s just like Breaking-it Down Vanity Fair Style, but just with us. Sometimes The Quad is busy & this is just easier. Today we grade the New Moon Trailer. Oh, you haven’t seen it? Clearly you’re not a real fan, but we’ll let it slide. Check it out then let us know if you agree with our grade scale:
UC & Moon
Here’s a fun game. See if you can count how many times we say “Dude”
Moon: Wanna break down the trailer, right now? UC: Yes. This feels so forced. Like we scheduled sex. 6/1/09 9:00 pm SEX Moon: Let me close the door (sounds like we’re doing something dirrrrty) UC: dude i’m drunk. Okay I’m reading. i mean. i’m ready Moon: one second let me enlarge this sucker UC: that’s what she said
Edward & Bella Moon: ok so he says “you’re my only reason to stay.. alive.. IF thats what i am”
WHAT?! UC: The husband just said “such predictable dialogue” Um, no commentary from you, thank you very much Moon: it’s stephenie meyer- everything is predictable. So…what Edward says doesnt even make sense UC: “you’re my only reason to stay alive..if that’s what i am.” What does that mean!? Moon: WHAT?! UC: WHEN is that part? Moon: It’s in the cullen house. Before the bday party?? Maybe after? Either way that line makes no sense, but he could speak pig latin and i’d listen UC: “ihay ovelay youhay obray.” It’s kinda sexy.. the way she’s all up on his chest.. with her hand. I’m kinda turned on right now. DAMNIT 3rd glass of wine Moon: he could be like “i farted cause i ate a bean buritto” and i’d be like WOW- profound Moon: ok not really but ya know. It’s like when someone speaks a different langauge than you and it sounds hot even if they’re asking where the bathroom is. He’s working THAT UC: He totally is. He’s working that sexy, drool-worthy voice that you know he doens’t have in real life. In between takes he was totally burping Kristen’s name
Rose rocks a hot bitchface
The Party (:31) Moon: we need to break down the outfits UC: first impression: House..l.. um YES… major win over the last house, which i loved Moon: yea i LOVED the last house. I want to MARRY the last house UC: House= win. so romantic. I so hope that the hubby does that exact thing for our annivesary celebration tonight. Moon: the two houses don’t look like they go together UC: i want to marry THIS house. They’re diff houses, but I love them both. This is an upgrade. Let’s discuss the coloring. It’s great. I wasn’t against the blue. I liked the blue. It was depressing, rainy. I thought it was nice, but the warm golden colors? I like Moon: The blue color was dreary twilight, and I think the change to warn tones reflects the change to the wolves and earthy shiz like the quilutes. LOVE the new look UC: Um Alice= my bff. She shoulda worn THAT Sunday night to MTV cuz it’s major win. Also notice NO showing of Nikki/Rosalie except for one bitch-face moment that I’m about to screen cap Moon: No joke, Ash’s wig is better than her bouffant from last night Moon: Rose looks hot for once and not like she fell out of a TJ Max sale rack like she did in Twilight. UC: right. Ross Black Friday special Moon: seriouisly lest we forget her ACID wash jeans UC: she goes well with uncle jesse UC: Esme? Uh, make me a vamp now and make her my mama Moon: Esme will always be hot and timeless. NEED that dress UC: WILL BUY that dress on ebay. For $7,000 if I have to. Will fight over any Twimom to get it.
"Won't you be my supper?"
UC: so far I’m in love with Chris Weitz. Can we discuss the manly sound we hear “Alice that cake could feed 50. you guys don’t even eat” UC: It’s like Kristen said “damn, it’s 3am, i don’t give a F*ck… i’m gonna sound like it’s 3am. Or like I ate a frog.” Moon: uh JASPER- aka: Mr Rogers cardigan and a poodle wig UC: SO nasty! Seriously. Almost as bad as sweat fest 2009 at the khyber in philly Moon: he’s all top heavy with that hair, makes him look like a pinhead. I’m so sad and underwhelmed. Sweatfest was better
Not so fast, you sweaty monkey, you
The dramatic, small flesh wound (:43) Moon: Jasper running is ridiculous! totes diff than how i imagined it but awesome UC: poor piano Moon: next time i get a papercut im going to fling whatever it is im holding in the air. totally dramatic “OW PAPERCUT!” UC: Yes! Then throw someone on the piano! And ruin it. Even though it’s an antique from the 1800s that Bach played in the 1600. F*ck it. Who cares. Moon: thats how you react to small flesh wounds UC: Caust it’s a MUCH bigger deal than Bella getting her period Moon: dude you can totally see the harness and wires on jasper/stunt double. It’s all rumbled and a big square thing on his back UC: Rush job! Moon: yes definite rush job UC: Insert note from the Hubby “how many times do you think you’re gonna watch that clip? You probably should a bunch more. You don’t want to miss any foreshadowing or symbolism” (this is where I get my wonderful sarcasm)
See where Bella gets sad and Chris Hansen comes after us, after the jump