Everything I needed to know about life I learned from Twilight

twilight-book-coverDear Stephenie Meyer,

I’ve been apart of the Twilight fandom and reader of your saga for going on 9months now. Quite a short amount of time when you think about it and especially compared to some folks who have been around since the beginning. But 9months of living, breathing, reading and blogging about anything and everything, Twilight has show me quite a few things about life, stuff I can’t believe I didn’t know before all this and I’m sure you’ll agree…

  • If your boyfriend ever breaks up with you, getting lost in the woods is a good way to meet some of the local boys and perhaps Mr. Rebound will carry you home if you act ‘out of it’ enough
  • When you really need to know if your 17yr old crush exhibits characteristics of  a vampire, it’s totally ok to wait till you can get to a bookstore to buy a book about Native American Legends instead of googling it immediately
  • Fake, sexy vampires. Yes please

    Fake, sexy vampires. Yes please

    It is perfectly acceptable to expect to find a guy who is gorgeous, smart, rich, charming, has a 6 pack, desires you above anyone else, would die for you and doesn’t’ mind when you’re a whiny little bitch

  • If your crush shows you that his skin sparkles like diamonds in the sunlight, stick around! You definitely want to find out if he can uproot trees, hurl logs across fields and breathe you into submission with his ice cold breath
  • If a man named Rob Pattinson happens to show up in your life, dominates your thoughts, your time and your sanity, it’s perfectly normal to want to slap that grin off his face and then want to do naughty things to him in a busy intersection
  • It’s perfectly normal to expect your vampire boyfriend and your werewolf best friend to fight to the death on your behalf even when you can’t choose between them while leading them both on. It’s called chivalry after all
  • To be a true catch all you need is: rock hard abs, family of super hero quality people, immortality, a sister with the ability to see the future, a shiny silver volvo, and a wounded heart
  • jasperaliceIf you’ve ever thought the idea of doing it with a vampire is sexy and dangerous, it is. You will enjoy the sex. The sex will be more mind blowing than you can imagine. But the pain of a half-vampire child ripping it’s way out of your womb because you chose to have unprotected sex with said handsome vampire? Not worth it
  • When you go into labor with your unplanned, supernatural child, having your husband chew through your abdomen to deliver the monster baby is a viable delivery option
  • I can write something funny about ANYTHING vampire-related in 30 minutes at 2 in the morning
  • Meeting people off the internet with names like Mrs. P_ifurnastee,  Jaspergetsmeexcited and DrCullenatyourService and is a really safe idea!
    Wait. You're how old?

    Wait. You're how old?

  • If a man tries to manipulate your emotions, let him. He’s only using his special gift to make you feel better about yourself because your boyfriend is a flawless human specimen, his sister is quite possibly a former supermodel, treacherous rival vampires have made it their lifes mission to kill you and you’re an average human girl who’s clumsy and thinks sweatpants and holey tshirts are acceptable clothing options to take on a trip to Italy
  • Spending every evening online tweeting, posting in a forum and blogging about Vampires is good for your social life

So as you can see the keys to living a good life are found in your saga Stephenie! Did you know that? Between you and me I think you may be on to something. Who knows, this whole Twilight could really blow up some day!

Off to find a sparkly perfect boyfriend! Cause that’s totally possible!
Themoonisdown

Do what did you learn about life from Twilight?

Don’t miss out on Letters to Rob today!
Wanna chat more? Or read some new FanFic? Head over to the Forum!

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Jashley – The Jackson Rathbone and Ashley Greene Movement begins!

Dear LTT-ers,

It’s no secret that I love me some Jackson and Ashley, in fact I think they feel the love around here a lot and Jackson is definitely a hot topic over  on the forum. Maybe it’s the fact we’re BFF’s, or maybe it’s the fact they play Jasper and Alice, or maybe it’s just cause they’re so darn cute and REAL. But whatever the reason is I’m starting the Jashley movement here at LTT. I know it’s no uncommon desire that folks want to see them together but I’m gonna take it to the next level. I was talking to UC this afternoon while sifting through pictures for something we’re working on and of course we ended up on the Vanity Fair pics where Jackson and Ashley are sittin’ uh… pretty and we got to talking about them and I confided in UC about my deep deep love for them. Not that she didn’t already know but it needs to be said: I feel for Jackson and Ashley how the Robsten folks feel for Rob and Kristen. Only I care way less. Like waaaaay less.

And so she wanted to know what us Jackson/Ashley devotees called them… what was their celeb couple name? Jackash? Why no, it’s actually Jashley… at least that’s what they tell me. And by they I mean I made it up while scouring the interwebs trying to match pictures of shirts that they both wore. Does this hole line up to the hole on her shirt? Nope, damn. NEXT.

Excuse you, this is Jashleyan!

Excuse you, this isn’t Jashleyan!

Then I told her I also have pictures of Jackson near a plane with some flight attendants and obviously it’s from when Jackson secretly came to LA for 3 hours to visit Ashley last weekend.  I sent it to all major news outlets and  no one cared. So then I emailed Ted C. telling him I had the scoop on Jashley and he should forget that whole Robsten thing. Sadly, he emailed back and asked: “Who the ef is that?!” Funny thing though, I checked back a day later and he had already started a Jashley catagory on the Awful Truth, complete with videos from LTT! See, the movement is catching!

Here's proof! It's the truth!

Here’s proof! It’s the truth!

So convinced was I of this coupling I started scouring old Jackson and Ashley interviews till I found this gem, in an interview with the Australian Herald Sun, which is I’m sure Australia’s MOST respected news outlet, Ashley said:

“He and I both don’t have time to date, but we do have amazing chemistry,” she says.

“We both have such big crushes on each other and it clearly shows. We got along instantly and the day we met, he was teaching me how to swing dance.

“He (Rathbone) does everything. He sings, he dances, and he’s so sweet. Even my mum has a crush on him and tells me, ‘You should date him’. So, who knows, maybe when we both stop running around the world.”

And even thought this quote is from back in April, if it helps my case obviously it’s true right? So yes, Jackson and Ashley please stop ‘running around the world’ so you can become Jashley and I can squee with happiness! Or just go on about my life like any other day.

Ok kids, off to start Jashley Lives!
Themoonisdown

Don’t miss ol Robbie Roo and UC’s letter to him!
Check out all the other Jashley/Jackson/Ashley goodies at The Forum!

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Pledging to LTT

Dear LTT Pledges,

The Twilight Sisterhood has been having pledge month this June & we thought of how amazing it would be if we did that here at LTT.

We’re pretty easy-going Sisters, and we only require one task from the following list of initiations to be achieved in order to be accepted into our sorority:

  • Yep, make him take off the monkey costume & run around nude with him

    Yep, make him take off the monkey costume & run around nude with him

    Streak naked at a 100Monkey’s show and get Marty, the bananager, to join you. Yell “JASPER” at the top of your lungs the entire time.

  • Eat only Twilight conversation hearts for breakfast lunch and dinner ’till you’re rushed to the hospital with sudden onset diabetes.
  • Insist that all band aids you receive while AT the hospital be Hot Topic Twilight band aids.
  • Head on over to a neighboring sorority or frat and rip a tree (roots intact) out of the ground while screaming “AS IF YOU COULD FIGHT ME OFF.”
  • Act out chapter 32 of Wide Awake fan fiction with a male friend, at a church pot luck. In a park. Against a tree. (yep, it’s that chapter)
  • Read the mind of the hottest guy at work or school & write down his thoughts in Edward’s calligraphy (And if his thought happens to be “Be Safe”- you’ll get something extra special. Like Sam Bradley’s email address)
  • Run miles around a high school wearing a gray peacoat only stopping when you see a van approaching. Stop it with your hand, even if it’s just pulling into a parking spot, safely.
  • Invite & successfully get Kristen Stewart to join you at a Nascar race where you will ALSO need to have a mullet, like she currently has, and drink Pabst Blue Ribbons until you strip off your clothes and do a ho photoshoot on Dale Jr’s hood (that’s what she said).
  • Buy a Volvo. Drive from New York to Forks, WA in 12 hours or under while making home-made mushroom ravioli (I don’t wanna hear that this is impossible to do while driving. Figure it out)
  • Kill, filet & bread a mountain lion in Harry Clearwater’s famous fish fry (fine- if you can’t find Harry’s fish fry, you can use whatever your local market sells)
Good luck and may the best pledges win!
Love your favorite sisters,
UnintendedChoice & theMoonisDown
Thanks to: Kristen, EastFriend, WestFriend & Moon, for without you I would have to stay up much later
a secret message about how rob will love you forever if you pick our name
Name our sorority: We’re serious. We want a name for our sorority. Even though it’s kinda a pretend sorority. Who cares. Name contest happening NOW. Leave your ideas in the comments. Winner gets automatic entrance into this kinda fake, but sorta real sorority. And first crack at Rob at our first frat/sorority mixer.
a secret message about how rob will love you forever if you pick our name
Introducing: Blurbs from the Forum topic Mods.
We had some weird forum issues this week. Kristin emailed and said this:
Good news is though, my whole gateway 504 issue is resolved! I was apparently riding the techno short bus…now I’m all up to speed and I even get to have recess with the normal kids! yay!
and Calliope, who apparently did not have the same “Gateway 504″ issues with the forum said this:
this is me shaking my head up and down and smiling at you and pretending to have even the slightest effing clue as to what you are talking about while i’m mentally undressing rob.
a secret message about how rob will love you forever if you pick our name
What’s going on in our world? The following:
  • Rob has a question for us over on LTR
  • The Forum is buzzing with activity. Wanna see why? Check it
  • Follow us on Twitter & help us get to 2,000 followers this weekend!
  • Lauren from Lauren’s Bite is hosting a give-away. GO WIN
  • I have a wedgie so far up my butt I’m not sure it’s ever gonna come out (not true- just seeing if anyone reads this far…..crickets….)

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This is how you found us? Vol. 4

f-a-k-e l-e-s-b-i-a-n-s

f-a-k-e l-e-s-b-i-a-n-s

Dear LTT/LTR’ers and googlers-

My how time flies! It’s already June and we missed one of our favorite reoccuring posts: “This is how you found us?!” in May. For those of us just joining in on the fun, WordPress (our blog program) allows you to see handy dandy stuff like numbers of visitors, which post is the most popular and what terms people searched for when they found our site. When we found this feature we would laugh so hard at some of the terms we knew we had to share them with you awesome readers! And May did NOT dissappoint, seriously these are some of the best we’ve seen. So without further adieu… This Is How You Found Us??!!

Where robert pattinson hangs out – You want to know my address? Or the 24hr taco joint down the street from his hotel?

Twlight edward eyes pillow caseIt’s creepy trust me, but also totally awesome to scare your visiting co-blogger with when they wake up!

The Tuck Pattinson – is this Rob’s new nickname? Forget spunk ransom, it’s now officially Robert “The Tuck” Pattinson

Abstinence – Well, you’ve come to the right place… we’re totally saving ourselves for our wedding night with Robert Pattinson… and Jackson Rathbone… and Kellan Lutz… aaaannnddd… ok well maybe abstinence isn’t the term…

Buy Pattinsons wardrobe – this will cost you all of 4.75, to get his look all you need is whatever you wore in 9th grade and then access to either a Goodwill thrift store or movie Wardrobe dept. for a couple extra holey tshirts every 6 months. (This might be in my favorite top 5 things anyone’s every googled and found us! What else can you say about the genius of this?)

Robert Pattinson birthday gift from Kellan – I’m guessing either a personalized copy of The Purpose Driven Life signed by Rick Warren, or an ex-small purple wifebeater

Wig for new moonNOT THIS ONE! If this is your New Moon Hair Dept, we are NOT happy. FYI

What is robert pattinson doing for his birthday – Well besides us, maybe about 29 shots of Jameson, smoke a whole pack and then hide in his room from you freaks.

www.jet-porno.ru – is this some kinky mile-high club shiz?? (check it at your own risk i have NO idea what that is)

funny lesbian birthday wishes – I’m not sure but maybe we can ask KStew and NReed for some ideas? Unless they’re not talking to each other now since that whole messy faux break up we’ve created in our minds happened.

Buttcrack school – Dude, Buttcrack Santa is teaching? Where do I sign up? Prof. Santa!

Follow the cut for more hilarious, scary and just plain weird googles! Trust me it just keeps getting better!
Continue…

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Happy Birthday UC, Love the Cullens and the rest of the gang!

Dear UnintendedChoice (your FULL fake name, this is a formal situation!)-

These blogs are usually meant as a place for us to write letters to Twilight and Rob but since it’s you’re birthday and I’m going to hell, I’m breaking ALL the rules! See, I can’t even get through an opening line without quoting this blasted series/movie, can you believe what it’s done to us?! I can’t! But what I can believe is it’s your BIRTHDAY!!! And you’re 21! Forever 21, ya’ll. Ok, maybe not 21 but a lady never reveals such secrets. I’m struggling right now to straddle the line between bringing the  funny and gushing uncontrollably about how much I love you. In a fake lesbian, life partners, blog partners kind of way, OF COURSE.

I can’t image a better person to run a blog empire with! Whenever I’m feeling particularly uncreative I know I can ‘break it down’ with you and I’ll come up with the best post ever. It’s like we always say “we’re better together” cause no one can help bring out the funny like you. You are the yin to my yang, the Bella to my Edward, the Sage to my Dills.

Please always be my life partner!
Themoonisdown

PS The Cullens sent me this rad picture and birthday poem they wrote* just for you!

We dress like this for ALL special occasions

We dress like this for ALL special occasions

When you open your presents, try not to hurt your finger,
for the scent of blood, Jasper can’t stand to linger,
and if Edward throws you ON TOP the table,
you’d better be ready, willing and able
cause he’s 107**, and oh so pure,
but you my dear, are his only cure!
So have some cake, some ice cream too,
and know that us Cullens all love you !

Happy Birthday UC,
The Cullens (your future in-laws)

*major thanks to the lovely Kristin for helping a writers blocked Moon with this awesome poem!
** we debated if it was 107 or 108 so uh someone set us straight!

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