Dear Swiftner (aka Taylors’ Swift and Lautner),
We miss you… a lot. We love each one of you… a lot. And now Taylor Swift has written a song about you Taylor Lautner and we want a reunion… here we are to break it down. DUH.
Have a listen here:
Taylor Swift – Back to December
The one where we go back to December, lit-trally
UC: okay let’s talk some Swift
Moon: yes, can i tell you my fave feature of itunes is “date added”… listening… omg my boss must think im crazy i have this blaring
UC: hahaha… youre trying to be “well rounded”
Moon: back to december allll the time. ok ok taylor im opening ltt’s dec 2009 archives… clearly taylor is an ltt fan cause dec is our anni month
UC: happy anniversary us!
Moon: awww the lautner family xmas letter. tay is sad she wont make it this yr
UC: i just saw that
Moon: oh we did a tay laut appreciate sunday in dec
UC: yeah… they were TOTES on in Dec. is that when it fell apart? Or was December a happy month?
Moon: OH right he was on SNL this month… dude what happened?! when were they seen out all those times with to go boxes? and his sports car
UC: i thought that was in the spring, but that must have been before… ohhh wait you wrote to the Taylors here and then we broke down swiftner like crazy robsten fans in OCTOBER of 2009, OCT 29 2009
Moon: awwwww memories
Moon: rainbows, unicorns… lisa frank folders
UC: it was perfection
The one where we think we know what happened
UC: and we know now, b/c of song and….. i’m now even MORE convinced this song is about them .. the timing was off in my head.i thought Swiftner was in the winter/early spring. but no… it was fall into CHristmas season
Moon: well when i was in planes, trains and hospitals last week i read like EVERY rag mag and she said it was about him pretty much
UC: and while I have to admit I’ve spent a long time listening to her new album over the past week, i think that this is how it went down: they met. They had so much fun. they liked each other. HE admitted the feelings were strong, and she did not. she hurt him. he left. she misses him, she’s sad, writes hit song. we break it down… and hopefully one day see her in concert ( I love Taylor) Because remember when that super secret source who is friends with Taylor told us they were NEVER really Swiftner and we were heart-broken? well, I still think that might be true…. and that Tay Lautner wanted to be Swiftner. HE wanted matching Lisa Frank trapper keepers & white baby kittens to hold together under a fuzzy pink blanket but something scared Taylor Swift off- I’m gonna go with Joe Jonas. And Ashley Greene- cuz she’s fun to blame even though they weren’t together then and Summit. Let’s blame Summit
Moon: hahaha, cause everyone loves to blame them for everything.
UC: Taylor Swift saw Robsten- and what happened with them- the rabid fans & the manips of their lovemaking in front of the fire (mostly from us) and didn’t want to BE Swiftner and broke Taylor’s heart
Moon: i think they were having a good ol time filming Valentines Day. they hung out, “dated” with chaperone’s (aka big daddy), vma nonsense with Kanye happened, things heated up, love declared on SNL, then BOOM johnmayer/joejonas/whoever called
The one where Taylor Swift is scared of the fireplace
UC: she says “Then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind”
Moon: fear of the fireplace
UC: Fear = The Swiftner version of Robsten Fans making love videos
Moon: it’s alright to be scared the first time taylor
UC: Don’t fear the fireplace Taylor!
Moon: we’ll walk you through it
UC: haha we’ll make a step by step guide to rocking the fireplace, also rocking in front of the fireplace
Moon: taylor laut no doubt has his v card so it’ll be quick
UC: Yes- it’ll be his vcard disappearing that night.. yours will barely be touched.
The one where the Jersey Shore gets involved
UC: So let’s get back tko the lyrics though- as they tell a good story…….in December, of 2009, after they went out to celebrate LTTs 1 year anniversary…
UC: it sounds like Taylor gave her flowers….. probably got down on one knee and asked her to make Swiftner official. NO doubt he had breadsticks in hand to seal the deal and she said NO
UC: and dropped the flowers- or he did. ANd they wilted. Like their almost Swiftner relationship
Well, it says it right there- “SO good to me. SO right” I think she loves it. She sings “It turns out freedom aint nothin’ but missin’ you, wishin’ I’d realized what I had when you were mine” It sounds like Mr. Lautner was laying down the law… saying. enough of flirting with boys from Nashville.. I want you all to myself Taylor
Moon: dude TAYLOR LAUTNER get your people on the phone, charter a flight and get to wherever Swifty is because as The Situation and Pauly D say: TAYLOR SWIFT IS DTF!!!!!!!!!
UC: You’re right she was JUST DTF
Moon: she realizes she had it GOOD and john mayer is a toolbag and she wants his assssszzzzz back
UC: she sings about wanting Freedom- but “Freedom” meant getting screwed & felt up by a dude with backne (aka John Mayer). i don’t mean screwed like Effed, I mean screwed over and felt up after having to give him a massage over his backne.
Moon: screwed as in he stole her publishing rights on a song they cowrote. LICENSING NERD ALERT!!! john mayers no fool. he sees her #1 songs
Follow the cut to read the rest of our break down, to see who we blame and the bet we place
Tags: , Alpaca, Back To December, break up, Breaking it Down Vanity Fair Style, Dakota Fanning, dating, DTF, fireplace, Jersey Shore, Joe Jonas, John Mayer, Robsten, SNL, song, Swiftner, Taylor Lautner, taylor swift, Valentine's Day