Happy Birthday Kristen Stewart

birthday1

Dear Kristen-

Since today is your birthday- 19!- you’re old now. Rob and Taylor, after we reminded them, totally wanted to get you something extra special for your birthday, since you’re their main girl. I mean, you do play Bella, and they’re always having to save you n’ shiz. So they went all out… cake, balloons, party favors! You know, the stuff 19-yr-old girls like yourself are REALLY into.

We thought long and hard (that’s what she said) about what we could do for you on your 19th. It wasn’t easy, but we figured it out. We started first by coming up with a list of what we won’t do or say today:

  • We won’t talk about your fake lesbian relationship with Nikki Reed
  • We won’t make you feel bad that you have cheated on, are cheating on and will continue to cheat on Michael Oregano with Rob
  • We won’t mention your sour-puss-ishness
  • We won’t get mad at your hatred towards Twilight fans (or annoyed that you pretend to like them for PR purposes)
  • We won’t discuss your often hideous taste in clothing (when your stylist isn’t around)
  • We won’t mention interview neuroses and how you’re so 2nd-hand embarrassing to watch

We will:

  • Mention that Adventureland looks good, and it got some good reviews (including some from former KStew-haters, so WIN for you!)
  • Say you looked very pretty in those Nylon pics
  • Tell you you look nice when you wear a mini skirt- you have hot legs and we’re a wee bit jealous
  • Say you really do have a pretty face
  • Mention we think you’re a pretty damn good actress in everything but Twilight
  • Confess that we’re jealous that you get to make-out with the hottest guy on planet earth
  • Present to you another haiku by the infamous Kristen/Bella haiku-writer, The Bff-aka James the Vamp look-alike:

He watches you sleep
And makes strange faces in class
Creepy, creepy boy

So, happy birthday from us and all the guys and gals at LTT! We trust that, since the legal drinking age in Canada is 19, you’ll be getting your drink on with Rob, Taylor n’ the gang tonight. Watch out for drunken late-night mistakes. Word on the street is that Justin Chon is in town- no one wants to see a sour-puss/Chon baby look-alike, so try and keep it in your pants.

Love,
UnintendedChoice & theMoonisDown

PS The guys told us to tell you sorry about the balloon… that’s the only one 7/11 had at 3 in the morning. You know boys!

Thanks for the reminder, JBell! And thanks to The Quad, as always!

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