Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 2 – Our REAL Review

This is really it, yall!

SPOILERS!!!!
SPOILERS!!!
SPOILERS!!!
SPOILERS!!!
SPOILERS!!!
SPOILERS!!!

WARNING: If you have NOT seen the film, do not pass go, do NOT collect 200 dollars or a fake passport from J. Jenks. Proceed directly to a time depravation chamber or join an Amish communion till you are able to get to a movie theater near you.

Dear LTT-ers,

I feel like Donna Summer’s Last Dance should be playing in the background of this post because well, this is it y’all. This is the last review we’ll write at 3AM after seeing a Twilight movie for the very first time. Sad trombone, yall. SAD.TROMBONE.

Now’s not the time for tears, save that for the credits. Now’s the time for our thoughts WITH SPOILERS on Breaking Dawn Pt. 2.

Top Moments in Breaking Dawn Part 2

1. Charlie and Sue ARE together after all our years of speculation. No need for Match.com

2. Jacob’s totally unnecessary yet totally welcome strip scene in front of Charlie. We think they just used his audition for Magic Mike (spoiler alert: he didn’t get cast)

BLAH

3. Aro really needs to update his computer’s OS. All of this (the fighting, changing Bella, using  up all their frequent flyer miles to fly all the witnesses to Forks) because he has a crush on Alice? Has he never heard of Skype? And Jasper needs to be worried right…? Aro has that hair.. and that accent… and that marching band uniform… and a bunch of crazy henchmen.

4. The Battle: aka TWI-MAGEDDON
Our hands still hurt from squeezing each other’s hands so hard they might fall off. The battle scene is the definition of on-the-edge-of-your-seat, scream-out-loud, hyperventilate and then pass out moment. I mean Carlisle’s head hitting the ground?! I don’t know about you but we screamed out WTF if happening?! It’s so well done that you don’t question it for one second and then when we snap back to Aro seeing it through Alice’s vision it’s simultaneously relief and outrage! But mostly relief! Thank God! We’re excited to see what everyone thinks about the Twi-mageddon twist. If Stephanie can change her mind & come up with that ending, we’re pretty sure the rest of the fandom could accept it.

5. Jackson’s non-laughable hair. FOR ONCE! Clearly, when they drew straws for who would get the worst wig in this movie Jackson won while Carlisle & baby Renessmee lost. Their hairlines moved up and down between scenes more than our heart rates during the Twi-magedon twist.

6. THANK YOU Bill Condon/Stephenie Meyer/Melissa Rosenberg for creating a non-gratituous, classy-enough, not-over-the-top, fanfic worthy sex scene. It was enough to set the scene while not making us want to crawl under our seats and die from embarrassment while people hoot and holler and yell about things being “unbroken.” No thank you though to the extreme close up of Rob’s hairy thigh.

7. We finally get to see Bella became fully realized. She is powerful– and doesn’t need a man (She drove to Seattle on her own. Big step guys) yet is the perfect counterpart to Edward (that flying kick/roll thing in the Twi-mageddon scene, anyone?!). This is our favorite Kristen performance since New Moon. She makes us laugh after she publicly humiliates Emmett by beating him in an arm wrestling match and then sells us an entirely believable performance as mother and daughter with Renesmee. Truly, theirs was one of the most believable relationships in the films. So yes, she’s a fierce, bad-ass who’s better than all of us. There, are you happy Krisbians? Now please leave us alone. Forever.

Nope, not so weird.

8. Chris Hansen will be disappointed. Somehow the Jacob-Renesmee stuff doesn’t seem creepy, at all. Taylor walked the line carefully and it never went into the WEIRD territory it could have. Besides how can you be creeped out by Taylor, who is like the definition of the boy next door. Also, MacKensie Foy was downright adorable with the CGI wolf. Snaps to everyone here.

9. Lee Pace and Michael Sheen for Presidents of everything. Those two killed EVERY scene. They can deliver ONE line with just the perfect intonation or stress on one word and have us rolling or clapping or panting. Are we SURE Lee Pace is gay?

10. Allistair- what was his deal? Dude, if you’re such a bore stay home in England or wherever you came from and stop being such a negative Nancy. Shit is getting real here and you’re busy lurking around on tree branches or hanging out in the attic by yourself like a weirdo. Either go home or put on your big boy vampire pants and “let’s do this!”

11 .Carlisle was the first to bite the dust (and we were NOT surprised). As much as we love Daddy-C, it just seemed right that he’d go first. NOT THAT IT DIDN’T KILL US and not that we totally didn’t screamed and shout WTF IS GOING ON!?!?!?! But ya know, it had to happen. Also, who has the stunt double/prosthetic Carlisle/Peter Facinelli head now that filming is over? Ebay auction anyone?

12. Alice’s hair looked great. She was wearing less fur, less gloves and less dumb shit. Always a plus.

13. But the music- We talked about it on Monday but it’s still true. TURN IT DOWN! Sometimes you just need an aural break not 2.5 hours of score and music and battle scenes. Give our ears a break PLEASE. Someone please go to Carter Burwell’s house and break every electric guitar and electric bass he owns. PLEASE! Our favorite score is still New Moon, no one else brought it like Desplat did. Also, we still want to know what happened with the Howard Shore, Eclipse score. What a tragedy. Sorry Carter Burwell, we just weren’t feeling this.
.

Now that we’re at the end, we’re left wondering: WHAT IS NEXT? While discussing this post we came up with all our ideas for what could possibly follow Breaking Dawn Pt 2. We have wild imaginations y’all and we really just can’t say goodbye so here’s what we’re thinking…

Do you think Alice will like my Marching Band uniform?

- Don’t make us read fanfic to find out if Aro ever signs up for a Google + account so he can have a virtual Hangout with Alice and stop dragging every vampire in the world into an unnecessary Vampire Battle to the Death. He should “Indecent Proposal” Alice for a few gabillions, offer Jasper a weekend of all the humans he can eat and see if he can make it happen, FINALLY. Aro: totally DTF.

- Will Nahuel have a “Best Abs Throw Down” with Jacob for Renessmee’s heart? Who will win? Will Jacob rip off Nahuel’s loin clothe in the battle? PLEASE!

- Does Leah ever stop being a raging biotch? Does one of the other wolves take one for the team just so she’ll shut up for a while?

- Will Rosalie ever find her go-to shade of blonde on the Loreal color scale? Will she and Alice ever be able to make her brows match?

- Does Mike Newton inherit Newton’s Outfitters from his folks & can it compete against Sports Chalet during these down economic times?

- How quickly will Sue move in with Charlie? Will Seth move into Bella’s old purple room? And more importantly: WILL SUE PAINT THE CABINETS THEIR RIGHTFUL COLOR: YELLOW!?

- Can we watch Lee Pace & the girl who plays Kate get it on? No? Is Kate able to turn off that electricity shocking thing she does, or is Garrett into that sorta thing?

These two. Get a room!

- Will Jasper challenge Aro to a dual over Alice? Will they walk 20 paces and then turn and shot each other with old-timey pistols?

- Do Carlisle & Esme ever choose their grandparent names? Is it Papa or Nana or do they prefer CC & Grandma E?

- Does Bella pull out that blue blouse & khaki skit when she wants to “slip into something more comfortable” for Edward? And Does Edward still rock the white sleeveless top to turn Bella on? Will they pull out the matching oatmeal sweaters for this year’s Cullen Family Christmas card with Renesmee?

- Is Bella and Edward’s safe word “The Meadow?”

*insert ugly cry here*

Ok, so here we are, the end of our last review of a Twilight movie. STEPHENIE, YOU BETTER WRITE MORE. WE HAVE QUESTIONS THAT NEED ANSWERS. So don’t make us read FanFic, we want the REAL answers to what happens after Breaking Dawn and we want them FROM YOU. Not our imaginations. If you’re game, Stephenie, we have this secluded spot (my dirty, full of clothes, walk-in closet) with an electrical outlet, a computer, a desk chair and a janky, full size Jumping Rob peeking out from behind my jackets, all set up and ready if you ever want to step in, disappear for a little while, and head back to the meadow.

Also, we won’t tell you all that we may have been discussing this post and what we’d say and perhaps got a little misty. We were also in public, eating a salad. Crying. Freakin’ Twilight.

Is that really it??
Moon & UC

PS So, that baby?! Weeeeellll… that’s a whole other letter.

SOoooooooo what did you think?! Did you jump out of your seat during the Twi-mageddon?!

130 Commented


Breaking Dawn Pt 2 Premiere: Stephenie Meyer, Jeremy Renner and that Jumping Rob

One last time!

Dear LTT-ers,

As you know we were back on the red carpet for Breaking Dawn Pt 2 on Monday and if you were following us at all you know A LOT went down. And we don’t just mean a certain jumping gentleman. We’ve been working all day to get the footage edited and shined up and presentable (on approx. 4 hrs of sleep) but you have a TOOOON to look forward to in the next few days –

- We didn’t yell “ROB” in Mike Welch’s face this year! Instead we made him play a game with us that involves semi-embarassing voices
- Kellan kissed our site buddy from Twilightish over a package of cookies! Imagine what he’d do for some black market German protein powder
- Taylor has ideas for a Twilight related tattoo
- Tons of randoms answered questions you totally don’t want to hear! (Spoiler: male actors in Twilight are obsessed with women)
- Everyone wants to be Jasper!
- Our “little bottles” got cock blocked on the red carpet
- Erik Odom said the word “carbon-fiber” with a straight face when describing his suit

And tons more!

But really what better place to start than with the first lady herself, Stephenie Meyer. Guys, who knew she was a super fangirl for Jeremy Renner? Seriously, all she wanted to do was talk about him. Not what we can blame her, we’ve seen The Town, The Avengers and like Stephenie, The Bourne Legacy. The dude is hot. Perhaps she needs to start Letters to Jeremy?

Uuuuhhh if you’re serious Stephenie you know our email address… send us your letter girl, we may know some people who knows some people who can pass it along to some people who might be able to get it posted on here. Just know we will all know expect at least one Jeremy Renner mention.

Bonus points to Stephenie for being the first person to notice Jumping Rob (more on that at That’s Normal) all night! We may never know what tweets of ours you were loving but it was worth it to hear you call him Jumping Edward.

Stay tuned we have heaps more to show you… and we will, just as quickly as our computers can render the footage.

Jump!
Moon and UC

PS You know what’s normal? Taking Jumping Rob to the Premiere with us! Check out the full video, Rob’s reaction and more at That’s Normal!

13 Commented


Twilight Breaking Dawn Pt. 2 – Movie Review! You hear it first, here!

Get ready – we’re coming for you!

Dear Twilighters -

So here’s something exciting: we get to be one of the first people to bring you a review of Breaking Dawn Pt. 2! Nope, not the movie critics, not the BIG TV outlets, not MTV, not E! But little ‘ol us… and the other fan-run sites and blogs!!

So, I want to really break it down for you but I also don’t want to give ANY spoilers away cause you have to go see it Thursday/Friday at midnight. YOU HAVE TO! So I will keep my REAL REAAAAAL review for after the 16th. BUT in the meantime, let’s chat…

We are dumped directly into the Twilight action post vampire c-section/imprinting/open red eyes and we’re immediately back in the thick of things with the new vampire Bella. After many scenes of Bella learning about jumping small rivers, scaling sheer cliff faces and yes, arm-wrestling Emmett we FIIIINALLY get to the action.

Get Ready For:
-All the scenes Michael Sheen/Aro steals (every one he’s in). And yes, Beller is in fact, ALIVE!
-The wall to wall music (TURN IT DOWN, Music Editor!)
-The new vamps looking various shades of crazypants to awesome (Do we expect anything less at this point?).
-Some migrating hairlines. (WIGS!!!).
-Rob. (Duh).
-Taylor (fulfills his last contractual gratuitous, totally unnecessary, yet awesome (who are we kidding?) shirt removal scene).
-Bella finally coming full circle. (single tear).

Spoiler: He loses!

And for those wondering… yes, there is Edward/Bella vampire sex. But in a very tasteful, Sade-type-music-playing-in-the-background, angles-that-leave-out-just-enough, Stephenie-Meyer-is -the-mom-of-three-boys-kind-of-way. You’ll still feel a little uncomfortable watching it with your Grandma but hey, at least it’s not an ordinary scene from Game of Thrones (hmmmm Kit Harrington…). So don’t get too excited about any “Fade to Sad” moments.

The first family

Guys, you know when we wrote that post called “Accept It Now” where we reminded people that the film won’t always follow the book version of the storyline EXACTLY to a tee? You know, the cupboards may not be yellow and Bella may jump on a motorcycle with Jacob, in front of Edward? Well, it’s time to reread that post because BD 2 does NOT follow the written word exxxxactly. BUUUUTTTT guys, don’t leave just yet! Here take my hand, squeeze it hard but DO NOT run out of the theater screaming, it’s going to be alright. IN FACT, it’s going to be AWWWWEEESOME! I promise. Your head will be spinning. And because I love you, and because I don’t want to be sued, I won’t tell you any more. I will tell you, however, that you should bring tissues and a friend’s (preferably a Twilight buddy’s) hand to hold. My last piece of advice is, after you read this and after you watch all of our premiere coverage (cause it’ll be GOOD), you need to get off the interwebs and avoid all the spoilers you can. You want to enjoy this and not know what’s about to happen. Trust me.

We’ll see you back here after the 16th for the FULL, REAL review of The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part Two.

Accept it Now!
Moon

18 Commented


Ye Rustic Inn and Denim Cut Offs and Public Reconciliation

Yes, those are icicle Christmas lights! Klassy!

Dear Rob and Kristen,

So we’re 30 days out from the last movie and you two decided to get back together. Sure you’re not even living together which pretty much tells us everything we need to know about this reunion. I do want to say, however, that I appreciate that you choose Ye Rustic Inn for your first (totally not staged) reunion in public for so many reasons.

First off Ye Rustic is about a block from my first apt in LA and was the site of so many dumb crazy nights. Second the Rustic is a dirty greasy shit hole with a loud ass juke box and gross carpet and old dudes. I appreciate that you chose this dump to show the world your rekindled love because really what could better represent your relationship at this point them a greasy dump? Yup, nothing.

Palace of love!

I spent about 2 minutes wondering if you ordered a basket of their wings and if you got beer or a crappy mixed drink. And is Kristen 21 yet? When did that happen and how did I forget? Also Did you sit in one of those circular booths and feed quarters into the joke box so that the entire AC/DC discography would play? And then later did you stumble across the street to play darts at (the equally fabulous shit hole) The Drawing Room and complete the journey from sober paparazzi outing to totally shit faced illusion of love?

I’m only sad I wasn’t there to see the looks on the faces of the regulars as they sat on their bar stools and gave you the side eye. But I’m glad you included a famous local dive in your tour de love you’ve had over the last few days. I’m sure they’re gonna get a ton of business in a few weeks! BMC (before Mini Cooper) you guys were hardly seen out together so many times in one week but not now! But I guess with 30 days left… ain’t no time to lose!

Forgot something?

Also lunch out the next day? You two are working this public reconciliation thing hard! Nice try yall! Oh and KStew? Button your freaking pants up. It might have been hot the past few days here in LA, but this isn’t MTV Spring Break 1995 and you don’t have one of those sun/dolphin tattoos circling your belly button. Thanks.

Off to get some wings!
Moon

24 Commented


What I learned about Kristen Stewart in British Vogue

Dear Kristen,

In this fast-paced world of Blogging (and by that I mean the 3 weeks behind we are generally here at LTT), I sometimes forget that in the “regular” world stuff is prepped MONTHS in advance.

For example: one of my friends is a designer at Anthropologie and she is currently wrapping up styles for THE FALL OF 2013.
WHAT THE?

And have you ever noticed that in magazines sometimes you’ll read “At press time Mr. Smith was working for blah blah” AT PRESS TIME. Meaning they are prepping for the chance that when the mag releases the news is old & no longer true.

Enter this month’s British Vogue with YOU on the cover with the steamy title “KRISTEN STEWART: ON LOVE AND LIVING DANGEROUSLY.” FINALLY! You’re speaking out! You’re explaining YOUR side of the story!

Orrrrrr..since this is an October issue this interview was most likely conducted last year around Christmastime when you were feeling full of love & danger as you & Rob had a contest to see who could get the bear skin love-making rug closer to the living room fire without catching your hair on fire… we actually get nothing steamy & juicy at all except a tired quote about how you don’t know how to be famous. BORRRRRRINGGG!

But I learned something from the Vogue teaser and that is… You look SO different than you did in 2008! I may have watched that hilarious Bad Lip Reading Video (<— read that) 1,000 times since Tuesday so I’m kinda an expert on Kstew circa 2008. But THIS:

and THIS

Kristen Stewart 2008

looks like Sophia Bush or Jessica from What I wore. Not THIS girl:

And THAT is all I, unfortuantely, learned from Kristen Stewart in British Vogue.

Love,
UnintendedChoice

What do you think? You gonna pick up British Vogue? Can we get that in the US anyway?

GUYS– New Twilight trailer TONIGHT at the VMAs!

Check out the Vogue teaser here

12 Commented


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