Things I wish that were

Dear Twilight,

I just realized there are only 16 days left for me to complain about things I wish were different in the Twilight Saga movies so that you could add them to Breaking Dawn. Sorry to be so last minute about this, but you understand. I’ve been busy. Speaking of being busy- I wasted about 12 minutes of my night looking for my Breaking Dawn book. Does anyone know where I placed that?

Anyway, I watched Twilight on FX the other night and read through a few chapters of Twilight and New Moon the other day for an LTT letter, and I realized there are a quite of things that I miss that were a part of the books that aren’t in the films. So if you wouldn’t mind doing some quick reshoots in time for us to see the film in a few weeks, that’d be cool:


Bella & Alice: BFFs

I mean right off the BAT these two are close girlfriends. Sure Alice gives Bella a hug in Twilight by the bus (or was that in the book?) and they have that heart-to-heart on the couch in New Moon, but besides that, they’re kinda just… friends when it’s convenient. Like they chat when Edward is out hunting Black Bears with Emmett & stuff, but nothing that convince me they are super close friends. I don’t see Alice in the movies buying Bella a Tiffany’s friendship bracelet or anything. Alice & Bella of the BOOKS would have entire Tiffany’s stores dedicated to storing their friendship bracelet charms. Or they’d at LEAST have matching friendship tattoos. Or a couple pictures of each other together around the house. Or maybe Alice would be the one to tell Bella about doing “it” and her first time with Jasper. Either way, it’d be CLEAR that these two girls are BFFs.


I really miss Lauren. I mean, girls like Bella WAYYYYY too much in the books. Have we forgotten that Lauren Mallory was the original Bella-hater? Yes, we can say she’d probably be leading the nonsten and anti-KStew charge were she a real person.  It’s been so long since I thought about Lauren that I had to do a little research on the Twilight wiki (yes, there’s one of those. What ELSE are people supposed to do with their time?) and I found this:

Sometime during the summer following her junior year, Lauren was approached by an alleged modeling agent in a mall in Victoria, British Columbia, Canada, who told her that she seemed like a natural model. The agent told her that if she cut her hair shorter and edgier and had some high-quality headshots taken, her future would be assured. Lauren followed his instructions – spending 300 dollars on a haircut and 15 grand on pictures taken by the agent’s partner – and never heard from the agent again.

WHAT? When did that happen? Where was I? I don’t remember that AT ALL. Do I have pages missing from my book? This is, seriously, news to me. And further proves my point- That right there would be HILARIOUS to see. Mean girl from high school who hates our precious Bella, gets hers in the end in the form of a big credit card debt she can’t pay off even on good nights from her tips from “The Lodge.”*

Mmm.. imagine eating your dinner under THAT

SPEAKING of “The Lodge,” damn I miss it. I mean, I completely forget how Stephenie described it, but I figured it was a dark old cabin filled with stuffed heads of animals caught by its owner, featuring Prime Rib one step below Applebees. The Carver Cafe just sound a little too high class for Forks. Steak & Cobbler? No no no, the Lodge serves previously frozen buffalo meat and frozen apple pie heated up right before it’s served.

And while were discussing Bella & Charlie’s eating habits, why DO they go to the cafe every Thursday night? In the books they eat at home ALL THE TIME. Bella is an expert cook. And SO is Kstew. What’s wrong movie-people? Let KStew wear an apron on set & make her dad an loquat pie!

Yeah... like that!!

Bella’s physical attraction to Edward… And how he pulls her in.  I think that Catherine was the only one who attempted to get this across on screen (and failed, sorry KStew & Rob, lovers for life) She tried ignite what Stephenie explains so beautifully with words on screen for us by using close up shots, asking Kristen to open her mouth a little bit, almost enough for drool to fall out & for Rob to look like he’s gonna blow a load in his pants because of holding back all his passion & need & desire. Good try, but not exactly how it was described in the books.  “And Edward, almost blowing a load in his pants because of how much Bella’s blood SANG to him while Bella gazed up at him, only breaking her stare when she noticed the pool of drool from her open mouth had soaked into her jeans.” Yeah, not the same.

So while I’m excited for Breaking Dawn & the newness it brings (a wedding, a beautiful dress (fingers crossed), some sexytimes & more Cullen family- finally), I really could use some of the above mentioned things that I miss. Here- I’ll throw a quick scene together for you. Off the top of my head…..

Bella & Alice are in The Cullen house putting the finishing touches together on Bella’s wedding attire when suddenly Alice, who has been in quite the chipper mood because she finally got Bella into some decent shoes, grows somber saying, “Bella… I’m worried that things will change between us. With you marrying Edward… Isn’t there some sort of rule that your husband has to be your best friend?” Bella stops removing the lipstick Alice just spend 30 minutes perfecting to look at her best friend, “I know. I’ve thought about it too, and while I think Edward expects that I will consider him my best friend & closest confident, I want you to know that it isn’t true. That role will always belong to you.” Alice smiles a big smile & at that moment the sun bursts through the open window surrounding her in brilliant sparkly diamonds. She holds out her pinky for Bella to latch on. Holding on to one another’s littlest fingers they say in unison, “Best Friends Forever. Till Death Do us Part.” And then erupt into giggles, knowing death will never part them.

So yeah.. something like that… Lauren Mallory could interrupt their bff love-fest with some bitchy comment about how Bella looks fat & then the reception could be held at The Lodge! Emmett & Jasper, forced into helping with the decorations, are getting a kick out of all the mounted animal heads they strung white lights over. And then maybe, JUST maybe, Bella & Edward of the movie can act as connected as Bella & Edward of the books. 

I have faith in you, Twilight!


*Turns out that story about Lauren is from the Twilight companion. I just outted myself. I never read it. I don’t even own it. Oops

 What do YOU wish was more of a focus in the movies that you loved from the books??

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Edward & Bella Manip

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Monday Funnies: Cuz nothing's funnier than laughing at Twilight

Dear Twilight,

I’m so glad we can laugh at your expense. Cuz Lord knows that the list is growing of reasons why I need to laugh: Pics surfaced of Robsten having an intense argument at the Kings of Leon concert about who would have the most grease if they wrung their hair into a measuring cup; when writing about how I was scarred because I accidentally clicked on the snail & dragon penis‘ 3 times on Friday, I accidentally clicked on them another 3 times; I forgot Bella & Edward’s anniversary; I went to three cupcake places yesterday and all three were closed; Plus Cam Gigandet’s 27th birthday was yesterday, and I was really pissed cuz my “Important Twi dates” calendar had it wrong and listed his birthday as today, and then I realized instead of being pissed that I missed it I should just be embarrassed that I have an “Important Twi-dates” calendar. So, I need these laughs:


After the jump- a little bonus Monday Funny: Continue…

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