For Kristen Stewart, a guide to keeping men happy

Dear Kristen,

On the day we finally declare peace in the Rob fandom by linking arms and uniting in one voice to declare “We are the Rob, We are the Fandom,” you go and stir the shit. Of course you would. Kinda makes me like you a bit too- ain’t nothing like rattling a hornets nest with the news that Micheal Arangano aka Oregano might actually be in Vancouver. Yup, the same Vancouver that you and the rest of the Eclipse cast is in (oh and that dude you’ve been seen with- Rob Whateverson- happens to be there too.) I kind of really want you to be seen one day with Oregano doing that lovely-dovey shiz like you all did in April and then the next day been seen all double O style with Rob because then you would be a Lady Pimp, Man Killer, and I would be forced into maybe, quite possibly, LOVING YOUR FACE. If you were stringing both of these boys along, making them fly to other countries, hide under hoods, buy you dinner, comb out your mullet and then get the H out of bed once you were finished with them, I would give you the biggest high five ever. EVER. Just the thought of it makes me smile and want to yell “Girl Power!” (Spice up your life!).

So since we have no real confirmation as to validity of this other than the ALWAYS valid Splash News *ahem* I’m going to speculate that it’s totally true and Oregano really is up there in Vancouver and the reason you didn’t go to the cast dinner last weekend was because it was Oregano’s day and not Rob’s, so like any good Lady Pimp you sent Rob along to the dinner to be watched over by your frenemie Nikki Reed while you, or should I say while Oregano, attended to your “needs.” I’m so kinda proud! Since you are 19, however, I have a feeling you’ve just recently tapped into your Lady Pimp Man Killer essence so you’re new at this and might be in need of a few tips from some seasoned sluts professionals. So out of the goodness of my heart, and as a sign of goodwill and Rob-peace, I’ve put together a little guide for you with the help of some pals:

Follow the cut to see the rules!

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CHOOSE! Just make a decision already!!

You're trying my patience!

You're trying my patience!

Dear Bella, in Eclipse chapters 22-25 (well actually most of the book)-

I kinda freaking HATE you.

Your inability to make a decision and almost hairpin waffling between Edward and Jacob makes me want to punch your dumb, whiney high school face. You finally have your supposed DREAM MAN back, he’s pledged his forever love to you, has asked you to marry him and promises to “TRY” (ahem) after he HIMSELF turns you into a vampire and yet you’re going back to fool around with Jacob!?

I cheer every time when you have a flippin moment of clarity and finally say “Edward would never see me shed another tear for Jacob Black” (517). And then I inevitably want to throw the book across the room when a page later you’re begging Edward to help you find Jacob, he does you beg him not to fight and then your “brain disconnects from your body and you’re kissing (Jacob) back” (527). DOUBLE U-TEE-EF!!!??? First, are you OUT OF YOUR MIND?? Second, if you don’t want Edward I will gladly take him off your incapable hands, just let me know when to pick him up, you idiot.

After reading through New Moon again and completely identifying with your depression and near insanity over losing Edward, followed by giving Jacob mad props for being a good friend to your catatonic self and then rejoicing with you when you finally get Edward back. Eclipse makes me almost inclined to say you don’t DESERVE either of them after all this nonsense.

not worth it boys...

not worth it boys...

I think the worst part, well one of the worst, was when Edward comes back after you’ve kissed Jacob and you’re in the tent crying about how retarded you are. Cause you should be! It’s that split moment between him asking you what’s wrong and then ‘seeing’ it happen in Jacob’s mind, through Seth. AHH!! I can’t even imagine that, seeing the person you’re in love with cheating (for all intents and purposes) on you right in front of your face! It’s one thing for them to tell you it happened, but to be face to face with the actual crime. And of course Jacob’s very VIVID memory and imagination probably only made it worse. The kicker is that Edward totally forgives you because he thinks Jacob was “playing dirty” and you were just the victim. Sweet innocent you. OHH HAAALE nah! It takes two to tango my friends, as my mom would say. Though Edward is a good person and forgives you, I wish he’d have let it ride for a few minutes and let you feel guilty about it. But he is Edward and he is too good.

We all love a good love triangle, who will she choose? Who’s best for her? But after a while Bella, you just come off looking like a pathetic cruel MEAN girl. The good thing is you recognize that in yourself… the sucky thing is sometimes I think it might be too late. I don’t know if it’s possible to ‘have your cake and eat it too.’ Maybe you should figure that out. Before I LOSE my mind reading this again. GOD.

Wishing I could reach through the book and slap some sense into your head… (who’s with me?!)

PS Start studying up kids… I have an Eclipse Twilosophy session brewing.

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