The Inevitable New Merchandise for New Moon

Dear Twi-hards,

With the release of New Moon fast approaching (146 days!), it was only a matter of time before the machine started rolling out new merchandise for fans to buy. After all Hot Topic almost single handedly saved the economy back in February. And we really can’t be losing anymore mall stores. Where else will I find my neon green tutu’s, Mario Brothers shirts and gothic parasols?  I mean, there goes my whole wardrobe, right? But never fear we’re just now getting a glimpse of the goodies to come that might just save the entire United States economy. Fingers crossed.

shirt

WOOOOOWWW just in case you wanted to go hunting and be camouflaged but also show how much you love Twilight, we have this lovely shirt. To our country friends, this will look nice while you’re out hunting deer with Jethro and the boys and if you’re lucky enough you’ll be wearing this on the next season of Red Neck Weddings!

NMdeskcalendar
Don’t you hate it when you’re at work and just about to close the BIG deal and can’t remember what date it is? I know I do! But after I get this handy little desk calender I can look confidently at the client and say, why yes it IS exactly one month and 3 days till my life is complete and New Moon comes out October 17th! Thank God I had this calendar or we couldn’t have made this million dollar deal! Great doing business with you!

barbiedolls
So Barbie Bella and Ken Edward dolls are like the complete antithesis of Malibu Barbie and Ken. Instead of tans they have pale, sparkly skin. Instead of the pink corvette Bella has the broke down beater truck. Instead of skin bearing bikini’s and swim trunks it’s coverage from head to toe. And instead of a Dream House on the beaches of Malibu, it’s a middle class house in rainy Forks, Washington. My only question is: what about the Bob Mackie designed raincoats and the Quielute addition to the “Barbies Around the World” collection? Mattel, you totally dropped the ball on this one!

nmlipvenom
Lip Venom, guys really? I remember this stuff from like Seventeen Magazine in the 90s. It was supposed to plump up your lips to give it that “bee stung” look. The whole concept is off, first of all who wants to be stung when putting on lip gloss? And not surprisingly the product failed and went away. But now that Vampires are the hip thing, why not trot this little diddy out again but with a new spin: Plump your lips up with the venom of a vampire! Close your eyes, dream a little dream, click your heels together and say “there’s no place like Forks” and wait for the magic of the venom to turn you into an immortal. Then you and Edward can be together forever, cause we know that’s what you dream about. Seriously, we know. We watched the movie.

When are we gonna get a Jacob action figure? Or a temporary vampire bite tattoo? Or an official Charlie Swan stick on Mustache?

Would you buy any of this?
Themoonisdown

Don’t forget to vote in the Wanna Tappa Vampa (our fake sorority) and the Twi Sisterhood’s PORN OFF! EVERY VOTE COUNTS!! Yes we can!

Read our review of Rob in The Bad Mother’s Handbook at LTR
Chat about it in The Forum!

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What recession?

if you can get a dude to wear his n her lion n lamb necklaces you have far bigger problems than the recession

if you can get a dude to wear his n her lion n lamb necklaces you have far bigger problems than the recession

Dear Hot Topic,

I just read this news item from the New York Times and it says…

“While sales at most stores plummeted last month, the teenage retailer Hot Topic enjoyed a 6.5 percent gain, thanks mostly to brisk sales of gear inspired by Twilight, the teenage vampire movie.” [NYT]

All I have to say is: YOU’RE WELCOME!

While companies like Microsoft and Yahoo are downsizing and laying off thousands by the day you’re still going strong profiting off the obsession of freaks like me and all you gals here. Oh and my mom. Who knew selling crap like bandaids and buttons and $6.00 patches could keep a mall store afloat?

where do they get the toolbags who model this stuff?

where do they get the toolbags who model this stuff?

But you’re proving them wrong! Now if only you could sell the official calendar you might single-handedly save our entire economy. Are you listening Warren Buffet and Barack Obama? Get the Hot Topic folks in your financial cabinet and watch our economy bounce back. Now THAT’S change we can believe in!

Studded belts and pink hair dye,
themoonisdown

Buy more crap!

Don’t wanna waste your money on more crap for Valentine’s Day? Why don’t you make something instead?! That’s right, enter the Twi-alentine’s Day Contest!! NOW! Prizes being announced shortly!

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My very own (crappy) Edward

one of these legs is not like the others

one of these legs is not like the other

Dear Twilight Merchandise Manufacturers (NECA/Reel Toys)-

Imagine my surprise when I walked into Borders this afternoon on a mission for a non-Twilight related book I needed (ps Borders, who doesn’t stock CS Lewis?!) and found out the Edward action figure was on the shelves! So, of course I grab one cause I am both a nerd and in need of some easily portable material for our “Where in the world is the Rob pillow/action figure” category over at Letters to Rob. After I get it home and opened, I start noticing the MAJOR flaws and can totally now tell why these weren’t out for Christmas: they’re a total rush job!

First off, the packaging has a misspelling! It lists his “special abilities” as “MING reading.” Now wtf is a “Ming?” You mean MIND?? Oh yes… who was on proofreading duty that day?

The reason I had to prop him up against some of my cameras is because he is top heavy and unable to STAND UP… this probably also majorly has to do with the fact that ONE LEG IS SHORTER THAN THE OTHER. Really? Did you think we wouldn’t want to take this out of the package and do dumb stuff with it? I could overlook the short leg/standing issue if he was able to sit down. But alas, SURPRISE, he can’t bend at the waist or sit down either! So, you’re stuck with propping him up against stuff. Moving further down, surprise again, his knees don’t bend! It’s like they spent all their time on the upper half getting his hair just right and making his jacket all rubbery feeling and slightly movable (but not fully removable) to worry about actually making the “action figure” work-able.

Read my 'MING' Edward, read it!

Read my 'MING' Edward, read it!

This leads me to the most worthless part of the doll: the Cullen Family crest. We discussed what we thought it’s double usage could be over at LTR but sadly it is NONE of those. It’s a cheap, flimsy piece of rubber which when I tried, his feeble little hand couldn’t even hold onto. So the best usage I could find for it was shoving it under his semi movable jacket. Never know when he’ll need to whip that thing out in some fang-to-fang battle against another crazy vampire. Just think if Irina had had a Denali family crest she could have whipped it out and used it to deflect Caius and not died. Oh well, guess SMeyer never thought about that, but these merch people sure did!! Never mind something that is actually Edward or Twilight oriented.

Could Summit Ent. not hire the folks who do the Marvel/DC action figures? Or even the Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter ones? Apparently not, and it shows. Summit should have hired us as their merch idea gals! We could have come up with way better ideas than the perfume or body glitter.

All that said, I’ll still have a good time with it and use it in all sorts of inappropriate and funny ways. He’ll just be propped up doing them now.

Annoyed,
Me (themoonisdown)

PS has anyone else gotten one yet?

Check out “Where in the world is Edward” over at Letters to Rob

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