For Kristen Stewart, a guide to keeping men happy

Dear Kristen,

On the day we finally declare peace in the Rob fandom by linking arms and uniting in one voice to declare “We are the Rob, We are the Fandom,” you go and stir the shit. Of course you would. Kinda makes me like you a bit too- ain’t nothing like rattling a hornets nest with the news that Micheal Arangano aka Oregano might actually be in Vancouver. Yup, the same Vancouver that you and the rest of the Eclipse cast is in (oh and that dude you’ve been seen with- Rob Whateverson- happens to be there too.) I kind of really want you to be seen one day with Oregano doing that lovely-dovey shiz like you all did in April and then the next day been seen all double O style with Rob because then you would be a Lady Pimp, Man Killer, and I would be forced into maybe, quite possibly, LOVING YOUR FACE. If you were stringing both of these boys along, making them fly to other countries, hide under hoods, buy you dinner, comb out your mullet and then get the H out of bed once you were finished with them, I would give you the biggest high five ever. EVER. Just the thought of it makes me smile and want to yell “Girl Power!” (Spice up your life!).

So since we have no real confirmation as to validity of this other than the ALWAYS valid Splash News *ahem* I’m going to speculate that it’s totally true and Oregano really is up there in Vancouver and the reason you didn’t go to the cast dinner last weekend was because it was Oregano’s day and not Rob’s, so like any good Lady Pimp you sent Rob along to the dinner to be watched over by your frenemie Nikki Reed while you, or should I say while Oregano, attended to your “needs.” I’m so kinda proud! Since you are 19, however, I have a feeling you’ve just recently tapped into your Lady Pimp Man Killer essence so you’re new at this and might be in need of a few tips from some seasoned sluts professionals. So out of the goodness of my heart, and as a sign of goodwill and Rob-peace, I’ve put together a little guide for you with the help of some pals:

Follow the cut to see the rules!
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Speculation Thursday – Moon makes the case for Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart: NOT together!

We're actors

We’re actors

Dear Kristen and Rob-

Last week my pal UC put on a brave face, sucked up her pride and posted the Speculation Thursday (though it was on Wednesday) post that she thought you may be together. As much as it pained both of us to see that in writing, we had to present the Pro Robsten side of the argument. But never fear, I am here with this week’s Speculation Thursday (on Thursday!) where I’m going to present the Non Robsten side! Cause I look at you two and I’m like, they CANNOT be together, the stoner and the nerd? No way.

If you’ll indulge me I’d like to treat this as a trial, and court is now in session*! The honorable Stephenie Meyer proceeding. Today we will be hearing the case of:

Robsten vs NonRobsten, in the court of public opinion

Opening statement:
Much has been said and speculated about you two over the last few weeks and now having some time to gather evidence and look at the facts I think we can be certain about a few things: Kristen and Oregano are not together and Kristen and Rob are in fact, NOT together. Snogged and hooked up? Sure! But together? No! I ask that the jury keep an open mind as we speculate our way through another Thursday.

Enter into the court room the Evidence…

 

01. The Charlie Hotel / The Morning After – UC cited this story and these pictures as her main turning point. But I have a different take on this much bally-hooed “secret goodbye photos” and “secret rendezvous hotel bungalows” nonsense… I did some research too on The Charlie and there are multiple bungalows in which bungalows also have multiple rooms! Amazing how this works, huh? It’s not uncommon for stars to get ready for awards shows in hotel rooms, Summit’s footing the bill, why not? And you’ve got the room paid for for the night, might as well come back and party after the show, right? I know where you’re going to go with this: “but Moon they were in the SAME bungalow! Ron, the underpaid dude at the front desk, told the shady paparazzo from X17 who palmed him a 50 it was true.” Riiiight. And, if I even believe that they were in the same bungalow, my research tells me that again, SURPRISE, there are bungalows with more than one room in them. I’ve stayed in rooms with guy friends, it’s totally possible. And who knows maybe she was wasted drunk from the dinner beforehand when they decided to go back and party? Maybe they smoked a bol and she passed out on that cute striped chair from the pictures of The Charlie. And then the next day her Mom came to pick up her hung over self and hug Rob for being such a good guy and looking out for poor little Kristen. And no kiss was ever photographed.

Follow the cut to hear the rest of the case!!! (Seriously do it!)
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My plea to Kristen Stewart: Please bone Robert Pattinson

doin' it and doin' it and doin' it well...

doin' it and doin' it and doin' it well...

Dear Kristen-

I’m writing you two days in a row… I know- check my pulse, I may be ill, but after yesterday when we were treated to the images of you and Rob SHIRTLESS in Italy (aka the day the earth stood still), I knew I needed to talk to you again. I’m ‘unconditionally and irrevocably’ jealous of you. I’m openly admitting this to you on a very public blog in which I usually give you a lot of crap because, you see, to kiss a man like this and not do anything else would simply be a tragedy to the entire human race, female and male. I can’t live in a world where someone isn’t enjoying Mr. Pattinson… oh and uh Rob.

I don't see nothin' wrong with a little bump n grind...

I don't see nothin' wrong with a little bump n grind...

Now I know you and Oregano are an item and swear up and down every day that you’re happily together and whatever… but COME ON! You’re in a foreign country! People do stupid stuff when they’re in foreign countries, like buy leather jackets they don’t need and rub shoulders with the locals ifyouknowwhatimsaying. You should let loose one night and blame it on the goose, blame it on the henney, blame it on whatever but PLEASE PLEASE don’t waste such a great opportunity.

Ok if you’d like to keep denying yourself, Kristen, I’m gonna open this letter up to the following… any takers?

my FAVE pic... that butt slot is just begging me to put a quarter in it

my FAVE pic... that butt slot is just begging me to put a quarter in it

01. Ashley Greene (seriously girl)
02. Anna Kendrick (we already know he was in St. Louis with you, why not Italy?)
03. Elizabeth Reaser
04. Rachelle LeFevre
05. the actress that played Ms. Cope
06. Whoever will play Mrs. Newton
07. The craft services chick
08. The gay dudes from hair and make up
09. the camera man
10. Nikki Reed (you know I’m serious now)
11. Stephanie Ritz
12. Stephenie Meyer (make your dreams come true girl!)
13. The Plumber at the hotel
14. Random Italian grandmas in the piazza they’re shooting in
15. Chris Weitz
16. Dakota Fanning (whats the age of consent in Italy?!)
17. Kellan Lutz, when you guys are spooning in Rob’s hotel room!
18. SOMEONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ANYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, ok I’ll just have to fly over to Italy and DO IT myself! Like they say, if you want something done right you have to do it yourself!

On my way! Oh and get that gladiator costume ready…
Themoonisdown

PS Don’t forget to check out the inevitable breaking down of these pictures over at Letters to Rob!
Daily chat over at the forum along with a TON of other goodies

Pictures: from EVERYWHERE! Popsugar, Lainey, Robert Pattinson Unlimited, and whoever else helped make this the best day ever!

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Happy Birthday Kristen Stewart

birthday1

Dear Kristen-

Since today is your birthday- 19!- you’re old now. Rob and Taylor, after we reminded them, totally wanted to get you something extra special for your birthday, since you’re their main girl. I mean, you do play Bella, and they’re always having to save you n’ shiz. So they went all out… cake, balloons, party favors! You know, the stuff 19-yr-old girls like yourself are REALLY into.

We thought long and hard (that’s what she said) about what we could do for you on your 19th. It wasn’t easy, but we figured it out. We started first by coming up with a list of what we won’t do or say today:

  • We won’t talk about your fake lesbian relationship with Nikki Reed
  • We won’t make you feel bad that you have cheated on, are cheating on and will continue to cheat on Michael Oregano with Rob
  • We won’t mention your sour-puss-ishness
  • We won’t get mad at your hatred towards Twilight fans (or annoyed that you pretend to like them for PR purposes)
  • We won’t discuss your often hideous taste in clothing (when your stylist isn’t around)
  • We won’t mention interview neuroses and how you’re so 2nd-hand embarrassing to watch

We will:

  • Mention that Adventureland looks good, and it got some good reviews (including some from former KStew-haters, so WIN for you!)
  • Say you looked very pretty in those Nylon pics
  • Tell you you look nice when you wear a mini skirt- you have hot legs and we’re a wee bit jealous
  • Say you really do have a pretty face
  • Mention we think you’re a pretty damn good actress in everything but Twilight
  • Confess that we’re jealous that you get to make-out with the hottest guy on planet earth
  • Present to you another haiku by the infamous Kristen/Bella haiku-writer, The Bff-aka James the Vamp look-alike:

He watches you sleep
And makes strange faces in class
Creepy, creepy boy

So, happy birthday from us and all the guys and gals at LTT! We trust that, since the legal drinking age in Canada is 19, you’ll be getting your drink on with Rob, Taylor n’ the gang tonight. Watch out for drunken late-night mistakes. Word on the street is that Justin Chon is in town- no one wants to see a sour-puss/Chon baby look-alike, so try and keep it in your pants.

Love,
UnintendedChoice & theMoonisDown

PS The guys told us to tell you sorry about the balloon… that’s the only one 7/11 had at 3 in the morning. You know boys!

Thanks for the reminder, JBell! And thanks to The Quad, as always!

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Fake Lesbians Gone WILD!! Nikki Reed is not doing Robert Pattinson!

Dear Nikki-

Stop trying to distract us with all these BS rumors about you and Rob doing the dirty up in Vancouver… we know the truth about your fake lesbian ways and there’s PROOF!! See this video…

SEE! SEE!! We know the truth, Nikki! Seriously, do you not care about your fake life partner Kristen Stewart? After she pries herself away from filming with buff Taylor and kissing Rob or walking around town with her fake boyfriend Oregano, what will she think when she reads these LIES? Or maybe this is all part of your secret ploy to make Kristen jealous and leave Oregano for you? I see your dastardly plan now. Naughty girl!

I’ve got my eye on you!
Themoonisdown

Wanna be our fake lesbian life partner?! Vote for us in the Dazzle Awards and we just have to french you! YES WE CAN!

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