Something's Different: No more new Twilight fans?

This is my Monday night date. You should SEE who I get on Thursdays..

Dear LTTers,

Something feels different. No, I don’t mean it’s been awhile since Ashley Greene was caught with some sort of Hollywood party boy (although it has been) nor do I mean that I haven’t cracked a joke about KStew’s mullet in awhile (although that’s true too). I just mean that this year, with the recent release of New Moon, feels quite different than last year after the release of Twilight. I can’t really put my finger on it exactly, but so far I’ve come up with this: Everyone is already a Twilight fan! Yes, my friends, Twilight has saturated the market. There are no new fans to be found. There is no one left who hasn’t tried out the books/movies and hated it (let’s burn them) or devoured the books in 36 hours and spent the next few months watching every clip ever mentioning “The Twilight Saga” online. It’s gotten as big as it’s going to get. Or…… has it? We received this letter the other day that had me questioning why I think something feels different:

Dear Twilight,

It’s been just over a month since that fateful Thursday, November 12, when I picked up my reserved copy of Twilight at my local library and finally started reading the first book of your saga. I was merely curious as to what was causing all of the hype and why my sister-in-law’s ideal man was named Edward Cullen. I figured with the movie, New Moon, coming out in a couple of weeks, now would be a good time to read this curiously popular book. I didn’t expect to stay up until 2am reading the first 375 pages, only forcing myself to bed because of work obligations the next morning. As I drifted off to sleep that night, my mind swirled with thoughts of Edward, Bella and the rest of the intriguing inhabitants of Forks, WA. The next day at work I was thankful that it was a Friday, but even more so I was excited to go (rush) home and finish the remaining pages of Twilight. I cracked open a bottle of red wine, broke off a piece of Ghirardelli’s Twilight Delight dark chocolate (I couldn’t resist!) and finished reading the remaining pages of Twilight. And so it began…

In all truth, I didn’t expect to like you. I didn’t expect to love you so much, re-reading you multiple times while awaiting my hold for New Moon to be filled at the library. Like so many others before me (apparently), I voraciously read the remainder of the saga in the next two weeks (only taking so long due to the wait at the library).

I can’t quite explain my new infatuation with you, and to be honest, my husband, at first, was a bit confounded, fearing that he would come home one day to find me all gothed-out and wearing white makeup. I assured him I had no desire to be a vampire. I don’t want to be Bella. I just love the characters and the inexplicable way it makes me feel when I read their story.

The saga is now #1 on my Christmas list this year, along with the special edition DVD.

Does her story sound familiar? Just maybe a year after yours? Read on after the jump! Continue…

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Kristen Stewart: Love her? or Hate her?

Someone sent us an email yesterday with some “suggestions” and one of them was “be nicer to KStew.” We took it to heart. Kinda. We have two different fan letters offering some KStew love and some KStew, uh, not love. PS this is long. But worth it. Trust

Kristen Stewart – Stop Making Me Feel Bad For You.

Dear Kristen,

Do you have a lot of free time on your hands? Did the long break between New Moon and Eclipse make you go a little crazy? Because I do not see any other case why you would be haunting my dreams trying to make me feel bad for you. Yes, I call you a possum behind or your back, and tell anyone who will listen about your “keen acting style,” which I describe as a combination of blinking and the stuttering random incoherent sentences. And honestly, you get to kiss one of the hottest pieces of ass out there right now, so maybe i’m just slightly jealous of you so I talk shit about you. GET OVER IT. Its not cool to come into my dreams, also known as my Rob Fantasy Time, and be all awkward and pathetic. I know you are like that in person too, but for some strange reason my dream self feels bad for you instead of just annoyed like I am. Right now. With you. Do you not have better things to do then to bug me? Are Michael Oregano’s texts becoming far and fewer in between? You know, maybe if you don’t want him to know your secretly banging Rob on set you could try to not look so DAMN SATISFIED every time your around him. Its downright nauseating. But anyways, since you seem to have all this extra time to PESTER me with, I have come up with some ideas on how to kill some time.

  • Shower Daily. I know this one seems like a hassle and Rob likes you dirty, but damn girl. I could deep fry some french fries with the grease coming out of your hair. And maybe while you’re in there you can sing little melodies to yourself like the one you sing in Into The Wild – because HOT DAMN that was shit was B.O.M.B., right?
  • Find Shirts That Fit You Correctly. This I think will help you kill time the most. You seem to think that if you just knot your shirt on the side then its good to go – its not. INSTEAD, why don’t you just buy clothes in your size? Judging by the recent picture I saw of you, I’d say you’re about a 2 days from anorexic, or maybe 3. I can’t be sure, but that’s what dressing rooms are there for. (I KNOW!! Who’s of thought people would want to try stuff on before they bought it!!? Crazy!!)
  • Get Back Together With Michael. Now you are not the President so I’m pretty sure you don’t give a shit about your approval rating, but I am telling you it will SKYROCKET if you get back with Michael and let everyone think Rob is available again. Plus, Michael seems like a pretty good guy, and I’m sure after a bong and a half old memories will come rushing back to you – and you’ll wonder what you ever saw in the smelly unclean British boy.
  • Go Be A Guest Star On a Crappy TV Show Trying To Be Like Twilight. Have you heard of all the ones they’ve made? Its almost ridiculous – I can’t keep up. But if you’re wanting to kill some time and feel like showing off those acting chops, I’m sure any show would be ECSTATIC to have you. It’d be like a visit from the mother ship, the creator, their very reason for being – Or at least that is how your agent could pitch it so you get mega $$ for doing like 10 minutes of some blinking and sighing. I wouldn’t want to burden you with having to learn actual lines that you’ll probably just change anyway to something more artistic. You know add a couple um’s, you know’s, like’s, uh’s and mMm’s – signature KStew Style.
  • Try To NOT Get Photographed Doing Illegal Things. In case you forgot, you are not invisible. So every time you go outside to light up a little MaryJane, we can all see you. And those of us with cameras are going to take advantage of it. You might have noticed that one time when you and Michael were smoking on what looks like your front porch some bright flashes. NO, those were not hallucinations from some DOPE SHIT, those were camera flashes snapping away as you slowly get stoned. Then this summer I saw leaked pictures of you sipping on some Heinkien. Honey, we’re in America and in case you didn’t get around to noticing – the drinking age here is 21.

*Sigh* I’m hoping you’ll put my suggestions to good use. I know you’re a busy girl, but these things could really help your image too. You’ll be cleaner and well-liked, and I’ll sleep better and stop being angry for feeling bad for you. Its a WIN WIN. Now, listen up closely Stewart if I see your face again after I post this I’m going to take that as a F*CK YOU, JanuaryMorning. Which, in which case means all out war – and you will lose. K, great – well I’m glad we got this all cleared up and I confessed all the things I say about you so when we meet you’re not surprised or anything.

Hoping To NEVER See You (in my dreams) Again,
January Morning

That was the KStew love letter. Read the hate after the jump. Continue…

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Speculation Wednesday

Today is Speculation Wednesday which is just like Speculation Thursday but on a Wednesday. I know, I’m brilliant. We’re gonna speculate about a few things today. And all of these things will lead to one big speculation. It’s gonna rule:

Dear Michael Oregano,

I did some research about you. I found a fan site so I could be better informed. First off, you were in Almost Famous and on Will & Grace? Dude! I just thought you were a guy that dated Kristen- maybe her next door neighbor or something! Turns out you really are an actor- I thought you just said that so you could feel cooler next to Robert Pattinson.

Anyway, your fan site isn’t updated as much as some other sites out there (say, any one of the gazillion Rob sites!), but I found no evidence to suggest you are currently off filming a moving picture anywhere. I also checked out IMDB and it looks like from the 4 things you’ve done with your life since 2007, 2 are completed and 2 are in post-production. This evidence brings me to conclude that you are at home, in LA. So…

  • Why weren’t you at the MTV awards? Did you hear your girlfriend was up for a few things? In fact… she won.
  • Why didn’t you join Rob, Kristen & 3 others for dinner after the MTV awards if you were told to stay away by Summit and/or Kristen’s management?
  • Why did Kristen supposedly stay at a hotel the night of the MTV awards when she could’ve stayed at your place, instead of a hotel or driving home to the valley?

In fact…. where are you? Why has there been no sign of you since those pictures surfaced of you and Kristen happily skipping down the street, holding hands in Vancity?

I’m gonna speculate that the rumors are true and you and Kristen are no longer together.

Dear Nikki Reed,

I’m concerned. Where were you Sunday night? How in the world was Mike Newton  at the MTV awards to accept the award for best picture and Rosalie Hale wasn’t? Were you off pretending to be in college somewhere? I, too, preformed some research on you and found no evidence to suggest that you are off filming anywhere. Being the Los Angeles resident you are, you should have been there.

All this confusion over Sunday night is forcing me to admit something I haven’t wanted to… Because by admitting this, I might as well shoot Moon & myself in the feet. It discredits us. It truly does. You see, for so long we have shared with the world, no PROVED to the world that you and Kristen are fake lesbians. But I am now being forced to speculate that you and Kristen are not only no longer fake lesbians, but you’re no longer even friends. Moon & I might as well pack up our computers and call it quits right now.

The sudden appearance of your new bff from that band Sage and the Dills arosed my suspicions long ago. But the lack of hand-holding, “we’re just friends,” googly-eyed (possible nipple tweeking) photos emerging of you and Kristen has forced me to speculate that your friendship with Kristen has ended.

All this speculation must be leading to something, right? Of course. Find out after the jump! Continue…

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Lainey Gossip & I just may become friends…

Dear Lainey,
I think we need to be friends. I know, I know, why in the WORLD would you want to be friends with a Twilight/Rob “Open Mouth” Pattinson lover like me, (and more importantly why the H would I want to be friends with a smut-hound, Twi-hater like you?) but hear me out.
I think we’re a lot alike. Sure you’re bitchier than me and pretty rude to Twilight fans and make your living writing gossip that no one really needs to hear about (and if I weren’t running a Twilight/Rob site myself, I would NEVER read you or have even heard of you- gossip ain’t my thang), but you’re also snarky and write with an “i don’t give a shit” attitude and are pretty spot-on about the whole of the Twi-dom most of the time. Plus you’re using Twilight/New Moon news to self-promote and like Sam Bradley, I kinda gotta give you some credit. Plus I secretly think you’re a Twifan yourself deep down.  (But it’s okay, I can keep a secret.)
My girls and I (we call ourselves “the quad”- go ahead, make fun) like to break things down Vanity-Fair Style (It’s a LTT/LTR thing, you wouldn’t understand) and today via e-mail we broke down your latest post about Nikki, Kristen & Oregano out and about in Vancouver:
Me: Did you see Lainey’s post today? I hate her, but I also love her snarkiness b/c she’s so right
Friend #1: She’s a nutjob, for the record.  I’d LOVE to see what she looks like.  Ten to one says the 4 of us are way more fabulouser than she is.  Fo’ sho.
Via Lainey: Nikki was spotted heading over to Rob’s. She stayed at his place a few hours, then they went out and hooked up with some friends… Next question, I know it’s coming: Are they dating? Doubtful. Are they f-cking? Probable.

Friend#1: Rob and Nikki are totally using each other for booty calls.  I know y’all don’t want to hear that, but it’s true.  They’ve done it before…they’ll probably do it again.  And the thing is, Rob knows it’s just friends with benefits.  But Nikki wants it to be more. Nikki needs it to be more…
So that’s the real deal.  I feel it in my bones.
And if it’s not, he and Kristen are banging and this whole “holding hands with Oregano while skipping through the streets of Vancouver” thing was a total set up.  KStew was completely looking at the cameras–making sure everyone saw her face, while holding his hand.
It was a set up.  Big time.  And NReed was there to ease the tension/awkwardness.
Via Lainey: Am told RP was approached repeatedly, some girls doing the usual super loser twi-hard gushy flappy arms thing and others trying to front like they were too cool to obsess over a movie hunk and starting up a conversation with him anyway, because he can totally tell between super loser twi-hard hysterics and closet super loser twi-hard hystericsd. It’s a huge difference.

Friend #1: Finally, bitch that she is, Lainey is fairly correct in her assessment of Twi-fans.

And do we think that Oregano was trying too hard to look like Rob?  Yes.  We do.
Moon: PS: Lainey is probably a Twi-fan herself but like us can be funny about it and knows how to keep “the crazy” inside her brain instead of embarrassing the whole of the Twi-Dom. (aka the fans at the “how to be” screening this weekend.)
Girl, we’d hate you less if you’d just come out of the closet. You love Twilight. You even loved Breaking Dawn and probably sleep with it under your pillow every night. Everyone is wondering who you’re blowing to get all this New Moon ‘smut,’ and we know that you’re getting it first hand. YOU’re stalking the set, YOU’re taking all the pics, YOU’re going up to Rob and pretending not to know who he is. Just admit it so we can all have a good ol’ laugh and become bffs.  Too ashamed that you were bit by the Twi-bug? Make fun of yourself… that’s what we do.. we can even make fun of you for you, if you’d like. Get over yourself so we can come up and visit and all stalk the Wolf-pack together. I’ve got dibs on the dorky wolf!
All pics and quotes from Lainey Gossip (our new bff- in consideration for the 5th member of “the quad”)
I also realized after posting this that the 4th member of the quad wasn’t involved- whoops. We missed you Friend #2!
Update: Just spoke with Friend #2 who said:
I can’t believe I missed the Lainey Breakdown. Here are my thoughts:
  • Nikki/Rob shagging most def
  • Rob/Kstew shagging most def
  • Nikki/Kstew wishing they would shag, most def

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