Open Weekend Post: Vampires Suck (or some people think)

The movie Vampires Suck opened this week & Luludee sent us a letter about it just in time!

Dear Twilight,

Imagine the sound effects for THIS bling!

Let me be the first to congratulate you! Or maybe I should be the first to say “Bummer dude.”

Either way, I think we can officially say that you’ve finally made it. No, you haven’t received any Academy Award nominations, nor have you received any “worst movie ever” nominations, at least not that I’m aware. No, something else altogether has happened. You’ve managed to garner enough attention, thanks to all your adoring fans, that civilians have finally taken notice of all the money to be made off of you of your greatness and decided to make you your very own spoof movie.

If this were a just world, Vampires Suck would be directed by Mel Brooks, or at least have the involvement of the Wayans Bros. or Anna Faris. Think of it, you could have gone down in history with the likes of Dracula, Frankenstein, Scream and even
Star Wars! But alas, we live in a world where aging drunken frat boys take care of their younger “brothers”, so unfortunately for
us, this gem comes from the defunct line of fill-in-the-blank [spoof] Movie.

Let’s take a look, shall we?

I dunno, I’m feeling a bit torn. I mean, let’s be real here. We all come to this blog daily to make fun of you. Hell, if we pooled all our talents, we could have written a smash spoof of you. But we would do it out of love. This movie was defs made by and for some resentful husbands. Are those random women in red bikinis supposed to be some kind of objectification lesson? Nice try guys.


Ladies (or Bella) you're in for a real teat, I mean treat!

My guess is that the trailer has the highlights of the movie. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t look funny at all. Admittedly, I chuckled at a few parts – the segway, and the wolfpack raining men in particular; and I saw a clip on tv (that I couldn’t find online) where Jacob sees a cat and chases it. When I did a Google Image Search of the movie, I happened upon a picture of Edward sparkling/blinging, and a half-man, half-wolf version of Jake and noticed that they even included extra nipples. I checked out the IMDB page and I cracked a smile at the change of ‘Cullen’ to ‘Sullen’. A Ken Jeong appearance almost gives me a glimmer of hope. And maybe it’s just me, but spoof-Jasper actually looks menacing at about 0:21. (Spoof-Alice looks scary at 0:14 but for completely different reasons….poor girl.)

And you thought Michael Sheen was scary...

Let’s look on the bright side. We all know that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, and it could be said that nothing marks
your presence in the annals of film history like your very own spoof movie. Just as Nirvana knew they’d hit the big time when Weird Al parodied “Smells Like Teen Spirit”, so too can you finally rest assured of your success.

Does this mean I will be seeing this movie?

I honestly don’t know. Maybe as a rental.

Don’t judge me.

Laughing at you but loving you just the same,

P.S. Does Summit know about this? Will there be an epic Studio-Showdown over copyright infringement? If so, can you get me box seats?

So..!? What do you think? Will you see it? Have you seen it? I know one friend who has and she said it was pretty funny. I’m pretty sure I’m gonna see it because of this and this alone:

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

58 Commented

New Moon in 15 minutes

One of my fav things about the craziness of Twilight’s release last year was all the amazing spoofs written and recorded afterwards. Moon brought you the brilliant LOLCats version of New Moon yesterday, so today I bring you my favorite parts of New Moon in 15 Minutes by Cleolinda! Make sure to check out the entire post and enjoy your Sunday laugh! XO- UC

Some English Class

BELLA: ilu bb
: So while we’re on the subject of Romeo and Juliet where everyone can hear us, I’ve been contemplating suicide lately. You know, some ironic but thematically appropriate means involving characters you’re just now hearing about for the first time, should the plot necessitate it. I’m thinking… death by sparkle at high noon.
: Mr. Cullen! Please recite a thematically appropriate passage for us, so that the fangirls in the audience can record it on their phones and play it on repeat every night before they go to sleep.
: *sigh*
: A bit louder, Mr. Cullen! Some of them will want to use it as a ringtone.

The Rainforest in Bella’s Backyard

EDWARD: So we’re all leaving town and I don’t want you to come.
: Edward, you haven’t wanted me to come for six months now. This is not new.
: Bella, I am too dangerous for you. If I stay in these movies, there will constantly be some threat to you. I must leave you, because I love you.
: Bella, let me mansplain this to you, since a frail helpless female would never understand what’s best for her: I am BAD FOR YOU and I have NO SOUL and I am not willing to take yours and sometimes I feel really funny when you kiss me and I think this is bad for my virginity and you are going to GET DEAD if we stay together. Just promise me to stay not-dead after I leave and we’ll call it even.
: Okay, LOOK. I am SICK OF YOU and your whining and your clinging and and your endless codependency and these SHITTY, SHITTY MOVIES, OKAY? I am SICK of this endless slo-mo and this magenta lipstick bullshit. I AM A GROWN MAN, NOT A POWDERED DONUT, AND THESE CONTACTS HURT, OKAY? I AM DONE WITH THIS.
BELLA: …omg.

[Bella then curls up in the woods to die, too shell-shocked even to notice that Some Ripped Quileute Guy carries her home. She remains catatonic in her room while OCTOBER, NOVEMBER, and DECEMBER drift past her window.]

-Scenes of Bella Attempting to Move on With Her Life
-Scenes of Bella Setting a Good Example for Real-Life Teenage Girls
-Scenes of Bella Putting on Her Big Girl Panties and DEALING WITH IT

More Stuff Happens

[Remember when] Edward rode in on the Vampire Volvo of Great Justice to save [Bella?]. Volvo: The vehicle of choice for busting out hardcore rescue maneuvers, yet dependable enough for the everyday chauffeuring of one’s delicate human.

QUIL: [To Bella] Hey baby, you so pale and slim and clumsy, baby.

BELLA: Wow… you’re sorta beautiful.
JACOB: : )
BELLA: Now, if you were skinny, pasty, and a foot taller, we’d be in business.
JACOB: : (

Continue the major major Cullen Smiles & laughter, after the jump! Continue…

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