Moon is still gone & I’m busy trying to figure out if Taylor Swift is singing to Taylor Lautner or Big Daddy in her new song “Back to December”
They’re on to me, what do I do?
It all started innocently enough…I just wanted to win tickets to the LA premiere, so I played the Vitamin Water unlock a pixel game on facebook. I was apprehensive about Vitamin Water posting a message that stated I had taken a pixel of the wallpaper—so much so that the first time the application asked me if it could have access to my profile, I clicked cancel. Then the fever set in (you know the one). I threw caution to the wind, and I clicked yes.
Yes Vitamin Water, you can broadcast my deepest, darkest secret all over my friends’ facebook pages. Besides, who is going to really see it between all the Farmville stuff anyway?
It was ok at first, my BFF (who is open about her Twi-ality) simply stated, “Oh my.” I’m sure it came as a great surprise to her, but she left it alone. Hours went by…no one else had said anything. “I’m in the clear,” I thought to myself. Then came the message from a guy friend, “Newborn Twi-hard, get a life.” The one response I had feared throughout my entire closeted Twilight-loving existence.
For weeks, I have successfully hidden my new obsession from everyone, including my husband. My BFF didn’t even know. Like most who are open about their Twi-ality, she encouraged me to read the books, begged me to go see the movies with her, tried to convince me I wouldn’t go to prison for lusting after Taylor Lautner—all to no avail. You see, I never read Tiger Beat, I don’t subscribe to Cosmo, I’ve never read Elle…I’ve never been a consumer of popular culture. I openly mocked her and others like her, “You do realize that wanting to dry hump Shark Boy is a little sick?” I asked her. “They sparkle, BFF. They effin’ sparkle.” “Shall we stop at Hot Topic on our way to Macy’s?”
And then, ironically, on May 13th my daughter put ‘Twilight’ in the DVD player while I was studying for my Individual and Family Relations final on the couch. I tried to ignore what I was seeing in my peripheral vision: a deer running through the woods while some annoying chick talked about death, said annoying chick riding in a police car with a guy and his mustache, annoying chick gasping audibly and twitching while trying to find her classroom. “This is cinematic genius” I thought to myself sarcastically.
And then I looked up and I saw him. Edward. Edward, sitting behind his lab table with a strategically placed owl behind him…retching. “Oh Em Gee you guys” I said doing my best 12 year old girl impression. “It’s like he’s an Aaaangel.” They (my two daughters and their friend) laughed. But I meant it. “Why is he retching girls? Girls? GIRLS?! What’s going on?” “He wants to kill her mom” one of them said. “Why?” aside from the obvious; I’d want to kill the gaspy, twitchy chick too. “Ugh, mom, you’d have to read the book to understand!” “I’m not reading that tripe,” I said defiantly.
And then I didn’t care so much about Ecological theory and how external influences affect the family system. I wanted to know why Edward would save her when he clearly didn’t like her, why he clearly liked her when she was clearly annoying, why he was clearly bipolar in all his interactions with her…wait why is this chick hittin’ on my man? Clearly!
After I had sufficiently mocked the movie, and my daughters for watching it, I sent them to bed. After making sure they were asleep, frantically, I placed ‘New Moon’ in the DVD player. “What are you doing?” my husband asked, bewildered, on his way to bed. “Uh, um…research? I’m uh just making sure this movie is appropriate for the girls.” And when that was over, I googled ‘Twilight’ and came across Stephenie Meyer’s site. I read ‘Midnight Sun.’ It wasn’t enough. I googled ‘Robert Pattinson.’ For an hour I sat with my laptop absorbing everything I could. 3am—I had to go to bed.
That Friday, I read ‘Twilight.’ That Saturday, I read ‘New Moon.’ That Saturday night, I started ‘Eclipse.’ That Sunday, I finished ‘Eclipse’ and ‘Breaking Dawn.’ Monday, I rewatched ‘Twilight’ and ‘New Moon.’ And I googled. I googled like a crack whore trying to get her fix. And I felt dirty. Then the fan sites! The fan sites became my methadone, youtube was the crack.
And then I found you, LTT. I feel like I can be myself with you. Sure, you’re an enabler, but you don’t judge me. You don’t tell me to get a life—you know I have one. But what about the people who don’t understand my new, alternative lifestyle? What about the people who won’t understand that I desperately want my husband and I to dress as Bella and Edward this Halloween? Can we dress as Bella and Edward this Halloween? Is it possible to dress as Bella and Edward this Halloween and convince people that we are actually trying to be the living embodiment of some sort of social commentary I am sure to come up with by October, 31st so as not to blow my cover?
Or should I come out of the closet? Should I just be honest with myself and all of my loved ones about my Twi-ality? What will my husband think?!
I’d like to close with my reply to my guy friend on facebook:
“You shut your dirty mouth. I am a desperate housewife living vicariously through a 17 year old girl. You see Guy Friend, ‘Twilight’ is not about the forbidden love between a human and a vampire. It’s about the brooding, pent-up sexuality that is Robert Pattinson. It is not my usual fare, sure. But if it were, I’d be living vicariously through Anna Karenina, and quite frankly I don’t want to throw myself on the railroad tracks. So you know what? Start looking like Robert Pattinson, and I’ll get a life!”
Was I convincing?
Convincing!? I think so!!!! Welcome to the crazy, Newborn Twi-hard! We’re glad to have you!!!!
Tags: , fan letter, Newborn Twihard, Twilight, Twilight virgin