Kristen & Taylor: The real life Bella & Jacob?

Dear Jake & Bells,

I think you have competition for the cutest friends that have ever lived:

Yes. Kristen & Taylor- or… that’s at least what Moon & I think…

Stewart-Lautner3_l

Friends? Or lovers....?

Moon: so now that we’ve seen this video….don’t you love how KStew acts like shes old and wise. PUH LEASE girl!
UC: right…. you’re 19!!!
Moon: I liked her at the beginning with the smile stuff and then she had to get all “old soul” on us and talk about cajones
Moon: WAiT TiLL YOU GROW UP A LiTTLE and shut it
UC: side note- I love in that interview at the TCAs when he’s asking about the teenage years and doesn’t realize she’s STiLL a teen, and she’s pretending she’s not… but also knows everyone knows she is..and it’s a big ol’ awkward turtle
Moon: it’s cause she acts like she’s 50. Be 19. Dude I wasnt that serious at 19
UC: seriously. do keg stands- leak naked pictures of yourself or SOMETHiNG
Moon: Kellan will hold your legs while you do a keg stand- he’s a pro I can tell
UC: he’s done a LOT of keg stands…and then spent a lot of time in prayer the following day
Moon: Taylor would 100% be headed in his footsteps if he was a normal kid going to college soon- he’s so that good times guy. Just laughing it up, joking around- he just seems like a good time
UC: I have a feeling Taylor’s read some- oh dang.. what’s it called? Oh yeah… Wild at Heart
Moon: Like Taylor’s the guy you want to run errands with you on Saturday cause even though it’s mundane, it’s gonna be a lot of fun
UC: he’s probably gone on the Wild at Heart conferences where they go into the wild & think about how to never masterbate again…. with Big Daddy, of course
Moon: well if Taylor’s read Wild at Heart than KStew most defs needs to read Captivating
UC: dude I don’t think it’s called Wild at Heart- I think that’s the movie about the horse & the blind girl
Moon: it is wild at heart and also the movie. and the girl’s version of the book is Captivating
UC: First off, I love that you know what movie i’m talking about. and #2, I recently sold Captivating on ebay, and I’m pretty sure the address I shipped it to was for “Bella Stewart” somewhere in Vancouver…
Moon: totally cried at that movie when she went blind! and he loved her anyway….
UC: so.. you’re right…. Kristen is reading Captivating
UC: TOTALLY cried- my fav movie when I was growin up
Moon: she needs to learn how to get captivating
UC: I haven’t seen it in years
Moon: maybe it’s wild hearts cant be broken??
UC: YES!
Moon: whatever I get the two confused
UC: it’s often that I confuse men’s books on how not to lust vs. Disney films about blind chicks riding horses

Moon: I want to see Taylor & Kellan at a promise keepers event
UC: with Big Daddy and Kellan’s dad
Moon: And Big Daddy will wear a shirt that reads, “real mean sing real loud”
Moon: oh Promise keepers
UC: tens of thousands of men in the same room talking about how sometimes they jack off to thoughts of someone other than their wife.
Moon: while Phillips Craig and Dean lead the alter call. And then they all hug it out at the end and pile back into the church van
UC: church jokes are fun

What’s this site about again? Oh yeah, Twilight. We get back to it after the jump… Continue…

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Should Breaking Dawn be turned into a movie?

bdawnDear Summit,

It’s us again. Writing you for the second time this week. Don’t run away in fear- this time we’re not here to criticize. The big news this weekend is that the new website you launched- The World of Twilight- has a ‘coming soon’ link for Breaking Dawn. This is BIG. We’ve heard many of the actors say they’re signed on for the 4th installment of the series, but so far you’ve been mum on whether or not you’re going ahead with the highly anticipated and highly controversial movie.

I’m gonna be honest- there are a few huge issues with turning that book into a movie, and I’m not convinced that it’s going to translate very well onto film. I’ve been racking my brain trying to come up with a way you could market the film considering some of the problems I’ve foreseen. I came up with a few teasers you could use- see if you think any of them would work:

  • S-I-C-K-N-A-S-T

    S-I-C-K-N-A-S-T

    Breaking Dawn- the story of how a half-vampire baby bites its way out of its mother’s womb while its vampire father kills the mother by biting all over her bloody body.

  • Breaking Dawn- watch the magic of the movie makers as they create a believable baby using CGI who can communicate through touch. We promise it’ll be the most believable and the least cheesy CGI baby you’ve ever seen.
  • Breaking Dawn- A movie that will surly have Robsten lovers orgasming in their theater seats as they finally get to see Robert Pattinson & Kristen Stewart, a couple they desperately want to be their real-life Bella & Edward, do it. A lot.
  • Breaking Dawn- Watch as a teenage boy falls for a little girl. No! Not like that! We promise, even Chris Hansen would like this movie!

Obviously you can see the problems I’m talking about. Breaking Dawn is a love story marketed to teenage girls, not a horror flick with scenes bloodier than Saw 1-8 combined (there are 8 of them now, right?)  Renesmee is a very special baby and while I believe Stephenie beautifully portrays her abilities on page, there is no way in hale that that will translate into a movie without being incredibly cheesy and/or very fake.

isleesmeWhat I foresee with Robsten finally getting it on on screen could be disastrous.  Picture my first viewing of Twilight the movie. I was sitting next to this little chubby 10 year old wearing a Team Jacob shirt. I said, “Why are you Team Jacob?” And she answered, “Cuz he’s the best.” And then I bitch-slapped that lil chubster. But then I felt really bad cuz she confessed that Hot Topic only had smalls left in the Team Edward shirts. This was in November of 2008- the passion for the franchise was there, but nothing like it is now. And Breaking Dawn won’t be released until, what? Maybe February 2011? There will be absolute chaos in movie theatres across the country when Non-Robsteners yell out “Her boobs are small” when Bella first takes off her clothes in the moonlight or “That should’ve been Ashley Greene!” as Edward starts to break the headboard in the bedroom. Robsteners will go crazy. Breaking headboards and ripping pillows will be nothing compared to what the movie theatres will look like after the fight is over.

And when Jacob imprints on Renesmee? It doesn’t matter that it’s not sexual and is just a “big brother” kind of thing- every one knows that Jake is a teenage boy and thinking about the day his ‘lil Nessie grows up. And Chris Hansen ain’t down with that.

But you’re movie makers. And you’re in the business to make money. And no matter how bloody, cheesy, barf-me cuz it’s Robsten, and pedofilial the movie ends up being, fans are gonna crowd the theaters, camp out for the premiere & scream for joy when Edward loses his virginity finally. So you’ll make the movie, regardless.

Here are a few suggestions I have to hopefully help Breaking Dawn not suck.

  • Fade to Black: Stephenie Meyers did it and you can too- but just choose a different scene to fade from. Kristen can clutch her fake baby bump, stutter and blink & attempt to feign pain- she faints- it goes black. We see through her eyes…then black…hear her breathing…black…see a baby being held over her head…black…and then taken away by Rosalie…And then the camera pans to Edward who is working to change Bella. But instead of a horror bloodbath scene and Edward injecting a huge needle into Bella’s heart, we see his face, diligently working on his beloved….then black….

    TWILIGHTLOVE

    "We are family. I got my half vampire baby and me"

  • Rob, Rob and more Rob: Obviously Isle Esme is the most anticipation part of Breaking Dawn the movie. If you thought fans went crazy at the sight of shirtless Edward in New Moon, just wait until they see Sexytimes Edward. Suggestion to please all crowds- lots and lots of Robert Pattinson. Sure, show Kristen’s face once just so we know Edward didn’t grab the housemaid to warm up, but then show nothing but Rob- his back, his side, his arms, his ass (would this ensure an “R” rating? Cuz I’d love to see Breaking Dawn without a 10 year old next to me) his face, his lips- Rob, Rob and more Rob…
  • The Olsen Twins: All I know is that a CGI baby won’t work. But I know the Olsen twins would. Those girls are experts on winning over the world with their baby-ways…. hire them, they’ll figure out how to train a newborn baby how to act- and if they can’t they probably have a factory in some third world country that can come up with some alternative.
  • Jake, Renesmee and Quil

    Jake, Renesmee and Quil

    No imprinting: Yes, I know… it’s powerful- Jacob imprints on the woman he love’s baby. I get it. It’s special, blah blah blah.. but it also works better on paper than it will on screen. I just can’t see Taylor Lautner looking longingly at a small child like he’s going to be her big brother but also knowing that someday they’ll get it on. It doesn’t matter how much coaching Big Daddy Lautner gives him (“Just gaze at her like I gaze at the oven while your mom has double fudge chocolate chip brownies baking- you want them now, but it’ll be worth the wait.”) so sure- hint at the fact that someday Jake & Nessie will end up together, but leave out the messy, creepy imprinting on a child crap.

It won’t be perfect, it will have to deter from the book slightly, but from the gazillions Stephenie has been making so far, I think she’ll be fine with it (To be doubly sure, just invite her to view the Isle Esme filming- one look at Robert Pattinson naked eating feathers will cure any anger she has towards you for messing with her book)

Looking forward to seeing Kristen & the child cast as Renesmee catch their first CGI deer,
UnintendedChoice

Just an FYI- I loved Breaking Dawn, didn’t have a problem with Renesmee, Jacob imprinting or a bit of Isle Esme (duh) But I want to keep the book in my mind- I don’t want to see it on the big screen. Although I have a feeling I’m not going to get my way….

Do you think it could work? Breaking Dawn on the big screen?

all images found on Google images- well, except for the Bella’s Womb one. That’s a craft I made last night. Just for fun.

Go make your own creepy craft & post to The Forum
Moonpie brings you Rob Rob and MORE Rob over on LTR

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