Happy Birthday Kristen Stewart

birthday1

Dear Kristen-

Since today is your birthday- 19!- you’re old now. Rob and Taylor, after we reminded them, totally wanted to get you something extra special for your birthday, since you’re their main girl. I mean, you do play Bella, and they’re always having to save you n’ shiz. So they went all out… cake, balloons, party favors! You know, the stuff 19-yr-old girls like yourself are REALLY into.

We thought long and hard (that’s what she said) about what we could do for you on your 19th. It wasn’t easy, but we figured it out. We started first by coming up with a list of what we won’t do or say today:

  • We won’t talk about your fake lesbian relationship with Nikki Reed
  • We won’t make you feel bad that you have cheated on, are cheating on and will continue to cheat on Michael Oregano with Rob
  • We won’t mention your sour-puss-ishness
  • We won’t get mad at your hatred towards Twilight fans (or annoyed that you pretend to like them for PR purposes)
  • We won’t discuss your often hideous taste in clothing (when your stylist isn’t around)
  • We won’t mention interview neuroses and how you’re so 2nd-hand embarrassing to watch

We will:

  • Mention that Adventureland looks good, and it got some good reviews (including some from former KStew-haters, so WIN for you!)
  • Say you looked very pretty in those Nylon pics
  • Tell you you look nice when you wear a mini skirt- you have hot legs and we’re a wee bit jealous
  • Say you really do have a pretty face
  • Mention we think you’re a pretty damn good actress in everything but Twilight
  • Confess that we’re jealous that you get to make-out with the hottest guy on planet earth
  • Present to you another haiku by the infamous Kristen/Bella haiku-writer, The Bff-aka James the Vamp look-alike:

He watches you sleep
And makes strange faces in class
Creepy, creepy boy

So, happy birthday from us and all the guys and gals at LTT! We trust that, since the legal drinking age in Canada is 19, you’ll be getting your drink on with Rob, Taylor n’ the gang tonight. Watch out for drunken late-night mistakes. Word on the street is that Justin Chon is in town- no one wants to see a sour-puss/Chon baby look-alike, so try and keep it in your pants.

Love,
UnintendedChoice & theMoonisDown

PS The guys told us to tell you sorry about the balloon… that’s the only one 7/11 had at 3 in the morning. You know boys!

Thanks for the reminder, JBell! And thanks to The Quad, as always!

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No words… ok, maybe just a few

Spring Break 97 yall!!!!

Spring Break 97 y'all!!!!

Dear Kristen-

I’m starting to feel like your sponsor these days with all the letters we’ve sent you about your stoner ways… but seriously a POT LEAF BIKINI?? Really, what on God’s green earth are you thinking? This is like one step BELOW a Corona bikini. And all this time I thought THAT thing was the pinnacle of white trash. You have proven me wrong. Well played.

But to quote someone who I think you’ll agree with me is wise beyond her years, I’d like to share this thought with you…

How old are you, Kristen? 19 in April?…” Well my birthday’s in May and as someone older can I please give you some advice? It is one thing to spark up a doobie and get laced at a party, but it is quite another to be fried all day.”

Ah yes, wiser words have never been spoken. And seriously Kristen you’re taking it to another level of LAME with all this bong and pot bikini madness. I half expect to tune into VH1 and see you on Sober House/Celeb Rehab. By all means, enjoy whatever you want to do in your off time, I could seriously care less, but don’t freaking advertise it. I know people who have ‘good times’ but don’t walk around in a shirt that says “I SMOKE WEED, DUH!” This makes you look like the kinda girl who would hang out with my roomate’s weird, stoner boyfriend and watch South Park all day. I just don’t get it.

Oh and tell that meth-face next to you to use some sunscreener. geez.

UGGGHhhh,
themoonisdown

Picture from Egotastic!

*Update* Sent this to myguyfriend since he spoke so eloquently about her over at LTR and he had this to say:

“ha, that dude she with looks like tommy lee and kid rock put their piles of shit together after a 7 night bender and he was the product”

Thinking of incorporating  KStew’s rockin’ bikini into a valentines poem or graphic? Well, DO IT! Check out our v-tines contest deets here!

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