I’m gonna BING Summit and tell them to stop product placement

Yep! This is Letters to Twilight, you’re not going crazy. Look different? It better. It only took us a year and 3 months to make this happen (literally) More about that after today’s letter!

Dear Twilight,

I recently had a conversation with 2 friends of mine and we came up with some really good ideas that we thought we’d throw out to you in case something falls through with your contract with Fancy Feast Cat Food (“Cause Edward wouldn’t eat a skinny cat”) or Depends Undergarments (“Cause after 108 years, sometimes you need something to depend on) Can you tell I’m in advertising?

BING Twilight

Click- cause the top result is brilliant

EastFriend: Dude– did you see on Gossip Girl last night that Jenny “BINGed” cancer. I almost threw up. Freakin’ Vamp Diaries had a BING moment 2 weeks ago, too. The CW as a whole must be selling out.

Wonder if Summit & the CW are in bed together? Both suck limp peen.

UC: if someone BINGs something in Twilight…. like Bella Bings “how to bang a vampire” I will CUT A BITCH.  You GOOGLE THAT SHIT Bella! BING is for dads & grandpas. Tell Edward he doesn’t know what’s cool on the interwebs- he’s too old.

Too_Far_Gone: PS that should totally be a blog post in my mind – what people should NOT do in eclipse + product placement & how much summit sucks limp peen

UC: hold on… I’m gonna go BING what date exactly Eclipse Burger King hamburger wrappers come out and when exactly I can expect to see Edward’s face on my birth control pack

Too_Far_Gone: Yes- go BING all the merch that they are not putting out that they should be branding with Edward’s face. How about:

  • gold wrought-iron beds
  • pillows with extra feather stuffing
  • headboards designed to break down the middle at the slightest touch

EastFriend: I just want Twilight tampons. Blue ones, since Edward’s partial to that color. “Freesia-scented & guaranteed not to leak. ‘Cause our lives depend upon it.”

And don’t think some lame-ass teeny bopper hasn’t tried to invent bruise tattoos. You know…for authenticity’s sake. Ew.

UC: We should really get Bed Bath & Beyond to make a whole Twilight line. Of course there would be a purple line. And then gold brocade fabrics- drapes and a curtain to surround a four poster deep mahogany bed. Perhaps Gap could make a sleeveless button up shirt…And pair it with this season’s jorts on the mannequin next to a sign saying “Now you can have them both- Jacob on the bottom, Edward up top.”  We’re on to something here!

EastFriend: OMS–bed bath & beyond–The Twilight Linen Collection!! Brilliant! There would be, of course, the Isle Esme Collection & the Cottage Collection, which brides-to-be & cougars could purchase. And Too_Far_Gone’s idea of the gold shiz from Edward’s room…for the single ladies.

And then we must have the requisite wolfpack offering, complete with earth-toned sheets, denim duvets, & quilts with pine needles embroidered on them.

And then the Carlisle Collection–for those with higher standards & impeccable taste- 1000 thread count sheets, cashmere throws, silk pillows. (Just what the doctor ordered)

And I’m not sure how to package the Emmett & Rosalie collection- but I think Frederick’s of Hollywood could figure out how. ‘Member in Breaking Dawn when Edward tells Bella how difficult it was to be around those two when they were first together? I always took this to mean that Emmett & Rosalie were freaks on a leash. I’m talking vinyl sheets, baby oil, & a Cullen Crest-emblazoned Liberator, with optional wrist restraints & blindfold.

Now I can be embarrassed to PAY for the embarrassing crap I'm buying!

UC: Gosh.. it’s so expensive to keep my Twilight collection up to date with all the Burger King parifinalia, action figures from Toys R’ Us, books Stephenie keeps writing, Edward Cullen vibrators & Cullen Crested Liberators, plus gold brocade bedding & jorts & wolf tails and pencils and papers and notebooks & trapper keepers not to mention replicas of Bella’s 90s-era Seattle grunge-wear!!!! I’m going broke! Good thing I got one of these pre-paid bad boys for my birthday from Moon!

This sarcastic conversation brought to you by 3 sarcastic girls, kinda annoyed that our TV shows, book series & movies we love are being hijacked by promotions for water that’s not even that good, really bad fast food, PRE-PAID credit cards, children’s toys in Happy Meals and whatever they come up with next. And it also serves as proof that I came up with the idea, therefore I should get a commission, when BING cuts a deal with Summit. Cause you KNOW thats about to happen…

Gotta go take my Reneseme prenatal vitamins,
UnintenededChoice

What would make an awesome aka awful Twilight promotional product?

After the jump, hear all about our NEW site & enter to win something to celebrate!!! Continue…

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