“Is Edward Gay?” And other things Guys say about Twilight…

I’m back from a business trip to Kansas City (Did I even tell you I was gone?) and Operarose shares a hilarious story with us today!

Breaking Dawn Letters To twilightDear Breaking Dawn,

My husband is perhaps the only person in the universe who does not know what’s between your covers. I know you might be surprised that there’s someone out there whose heart isn’t palpitating in anticipation of the impending magicness of the Robst-I mean, Bella and Edward wedding and subsequent deflowering that results in a precious birth scene followed by the “Sequence In Which Taylor Lautner’s Career Will Likely End,” but as a PhD student in industrial engineering, Mr. Operarose is far more likely to have his nose buried in a book on Pierce-Smith Converting than the tale on Bella Converting into an Anorexic Vampire.

That’s not to say he’s a complete Twilight virgin. Mr. Operarose was introduced to Twiworld back in 2009, accompanying me to New Moon when the only people in the world I felt “safe” seeing it with were busy. To my shock, a few days later he requested to watch Twilight and later insisted we go see Eclipse together in theaters.

Although he’s far from being a unicorn, it’s safe to say that he’s interested in seeing this Twilight experience through. So, it’s a given that we’re going to see Breaking Dawn together in November. However, he has not yet seen the Breaking Dawn Part 1 trailer and I have never told him what happens in the book. Over dinner tonight, I confessed that I wasn’t looking forward to the movie this time around. Naturally, he wondered why.

“There’s a part in it that not a lot of us are looking forward to,” I said (and by us, he knew who I meant because I’ve told him about LTT) “It’s not going to translate well on-screen.”

Mr. Operarose pushed me further.

“What is it? Does Edward turn out to be gay”

As if I hadn’t heard that one before.

Breaking Dawn White Trash

Bet Mr. Operarose will NEVER guess this one

I decided to have a little fun and see if he could really guess the outcome. He’d successfully guessed the major points of the ending of the Harry Potter series before the release of Deathly Hallows Pt. 1&2, despite having never read the books. But it’s one thing to determine that Snape is good, quite another thing to predict the birth of Renesmee.

He took up the challenge, and grew serious. “I think the Volturi want Edward and Edward is going to consider joining them.”

Not a bad guess – and not a bad plot idea. “You’re sort of on to something,” I said. “That’s a little bit of part of the story, but not the main thing most of us are concerned about. There’s something major that happens to Bella and Edward.”

I told him they got married and honeymoon in Brazil.

“So something happens in Brazil,” he said.

“Yes.”

“Is Bella kidnapped by Columbian drug dealers?” he joked.

I shook my head. “I wish.”

I said Jacob would still be a big part of the story and gets a happy ending despite not having ended up with Bella.

“He ends up falling in love! So Jacob gets himself a little girlfriend,” he mused.

“Little being the key word.” I was getting worried, suddenly, not so sure I want to get into it after all. Thoughts of sippy cup blood and Chris Hansen chasing after Jacob were ruining my perfectly good macaroni and cheese dinner.

“A magical creature?” he continued.

“Sort of…”

“Jacob is gay!”

There it is again, universal straight male “I don’t know what to say” reaction to anything Twilight.

“A little GIRL friend is more accurate,” I said, trying to steer him back on course.

He starts to get really off track then, going on about how on their honeymoon, Edward will come over to where we are living now (which happens to be in South America, not too far from Brazil) and I will fight Bella for Edward. Before the conversation goes way off into a territory which usually involves me mud wrestling Bella (it may or may not have gone there before), I recap, and let him know that Jacob’s story gets brought in LATER, after SOMETHING happens to Bella and Edward on their honeymoon.

Jacob Black and Renesmee

Yep. This is about right

“Jacob falls in love with a vampire?”

“Pretty close.”

“But he falls in love with something much smaller? That’s bad.”

He’s so astute. “You have no idea,” I tell him.

“Is it a bird? A ghost? An Ewok? A short hunchback that is bald?”

“That may have been much better, for on-screen purposes at least…”

“So it’s not quite a vampire, it’s much smaller. Is it a bat?” He asks, joking again.

By then I felt a bit like an anthropologist, studying what people predicted would happen to Bella and Edward “BBD” (Before Breaking Dawn).” If Mr. Operarose, who is normally incredibly observant and extremely intelligent, can’t predict the absurdity that is Renesmee, then I decided that I should probably just let it be a surprise for him in November.

Besides, I realized just in time that I maybe shouldn’t risk him deciding not to go with me to Breaking Dawn. I don’t have anyone else to see it with (my social circle is small since we just moved here, and I’d rather not risk making it smaller by coming out of the Twicloset).

Breaking Dawn Scares meTo conclude our conversation aka my “BBD anthropology” research, I asked him how he wanted Bella and Edward’s story to end.

“I’d like it if we saw Edward trying to react to the Volturi’s attempts to take him in. It should be revealed that the Volturi are in conflict with a group of vampires who are challenging their power in the vampire world. The rival group should rise up and then there would be a Cold War situation between them.”

Duly impressed, I told him that he might just like Breaking Dawn after all… part 2, that is.

-Operarose

Have you had to explain the err more interesting parts of Breaking Dawn to a guy? I’m pretty sure I STILL haven’t told Mr. Choice what happens!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

68 Commented


Stuff that STILL shocks me about Twilight fandom

Dear Twilight,

Yesterday when I was hitting my midday wall and looking for something to distract me (so around 10:30 am), I got a chat message from my friend sending me a conversation HER friend sent her that she was currently having with a sometimes boyfriend. About Twilight. Confused? Just wait until you read the names I gave them:

Guy who can’t believe people have so much time to figure out names as complicated as this: I’m reading that TwiMoms blog. Someone is saying “Oh my Jacob” like “Oh my God” Also, one woman’s signature is “Owner of one of Esmee’s tears” Okay, I’ve figured more of this out, if you have even a molecule of interest in hearing the explanation
Twi-loving sometimes girlfriend: yes
Guy who can’t believe people have so much time to figure out names as complicated as this: Best I can tell, a lot of these women have signatures that say they’re the “owner” or something. From things like Esme’s tears, to weird, abstract things like “Charlie and Renee’s divorce” or “Bella being absurd” One woman is owner of Carlisle’s Hippocratic Oath, Elizabeth Mason’s deathbed, and “The fire that is Bella’s raw throat after her cliff-diving near-death experience.”

[My friend reading conversation sent by her friend the Twi-loving sometimes girlfriend and sending it to me: was it sad that i knew it was Masen not Mason?
UC: No, That's Normal. He also butchered the spelling of Esme's name. But I'll let it slide]

Twi-loving sometimes girlfriend Someone is the owner of “Edward’s anguish and resolve when he believes that Bella committed suicide”

UC: this is so embarrassing
My friend reading conversation sent by her friend the Twi-loving sometimes girlfriend and sending it to me: like, you think stupid shiny volvos and stuff are embarrassing. please.
UC: WHY is he reading Twimoms!?
My friend reading conversation sent by her friend the Twi-loving sometimes girlfriend and sending it to me
: She doesn’t know. killing time maybe? good place for it
UC: seriously

Twi-loving sometimes girlfriend: That woman is also the owner of “Carlisle’s amazement at Elizabeth Masen’s astute inference in her dying wish” Though this woman ALSO owns “Bella clinging to the side-mirror of her truck to avoid landing on her tush in the ice” you’ll love that one

UC: hahahahahhahaaahahahahahahahaha. this is blowing my mind

This shocked even me. Just when I think I have seen EVERYTHING in the Twilight fandom, I find out that there are people with names on forums so complicated from obscure, minute details from a book I clearly have never read that thoroughly. I thought naming myself “UnintendedChoice” was weird- it IS a line from Muse song, you know (I bet Stephenie knew that!).

Are there woman on a forum thread about the movie actors with names like “That one time Rob looked at Kristen & we knew Robsten was real” or “Back to December and that time when I could believe in the love of Swiftner?” Are there owners of “The Lautner family “preferred customer card” from the Olive Garden?” Does someone claim to own “The catfish farm where Jackson was born?” How about the “owner of the box where Dakota Fanning’s virginity is being held?” Has anyone thought of that? I think it’s time for a name change! Clearly I’m not crazy enough about Twilight!

Love,

Owner of “That one moment when Edward was like “Oh F*ck” after he realized he knock-ed up Bella and was probably gonna have a kid with a name no one could ever spell” (otherwise known as unintendedChoice)

What name do YOU wish you had thought of? Be like a Twimom & pick a new one (just for today though, ok? That’s just weird…)

I HATE MOON

REMINDER ABOUT THE WORST NEWS EVER ABOUT MOON GOING TO AFRICA FROM JULY 28-AUGUST 17 FML: If you have something burning you’ve been DYING to “talk” to Twilight about, please e-mail us a letter at letterstotwilight@gmail.com! You can include pics if you want (links or attachments are best) or I’ll find appropriate ones for you! The more emails we get, the more posts there will be while Moon is gone. I’m going away towards the end of Moon’s trip, so LTT will either have the occasional letter from me, bitching about how much I miss Moon, letters from YOU, or nothing but a “Gone Fishin'” sign, which would probably make the owner of “I wish they’d make a movie about the life of Jasper & Alice” sad. Don’t make that person any sadder than she already is sad.

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

170 Commented


A Unicorn Strikes again

Dear Twilight,

In case you forgot:

Unicorn: A rare mystical creature only rumored to exist but highly sought after. Like a a guy who likes Twilight.

It’s been so long since we’ve heard from one that I almost forgot they existed. Until….. we got this email:

Dear LTT,

First of all, congrats on your life altering hangout session with Steph. I would have vomited as many times as Stephenie addressed me had I been there.

I decided to check out your website after seeing that you guys were picked to be thrown blindfolded in a van to meet the vampire mother.

I have to say that I am troubled to find out from your letters that I am alone in this world. I am a man. Married with 2 kids and one on the way. Surely it cannot be a rare thing that someone like me absolutely breathes and lives Twilight in his life. Are you saying that I will likely never encounter another male twihard in my life. Sure, I’ve never met one but I always thought it was because I just don’t have many guy friends to begin with. I have never been ashamed of Twilight and although in the deepest part of my subconscious I realize the book was made for middle school screaming tweens, I have never felt ashamed for loving a universe I dream of being real. Your letters, however are a forbidden fruit that has unlocked the knowledge of good and evil. I never noticed all the females surrounding me in the garden. I never noticed that I am the only guy there! And even though everyone else is properly dressed with their team Jacob and Edward shirts and jorts, I am the only one naked.

Little do you know that my heart stands strong for Edward and Jacob, and little will dismay my pride in their story. I may not feel for RPatt and TLaut the way a hormonal teen girl exudes, but my devotion will remain. I will continue buying my TwiPhone covers, and TwiDolls. I will unwearyingly buy my daily theater ticket for one. I will purchase all the Twilight movie guides and read the special Twilight edition People at the front of the bus. And I will stand proud in line to get the first BD tickets as the sun’s rays rise to light up my shimmer glitter on my face. I will continue to cry out in one voice with all my sisters for Midnight Sun.

Even if I am the only straight male twitard on the planet, I will embrace all of you as my own family. The question is will you accept me as the only brother?

¿El Único? (the only one?)

I immediately emailed ¿El Único? back to WELCOME HIM TO THE LTT FAMILY!

Read more from the newest sighting of the rare Mythical Unicorn after the jump! Continue…

188 Commented


Breaking it down: The Font and I talk Taylor, bare feet and DOWN THERE!

Dear Taylor,

Sometimes I end up talking to my guy friends about you and not because they want to but because I commandeer the conversation and we go there. I apologize in advance for talking about some sensitive subjects for both you, Jacob and whatever’s going on beneath the Jorts.

(suck it Chris Hanson!)

A first… breaking it down with me and The Font

Take this invite and shove it!

The one where I totally commandeer the convo
The Font: Moon
Moon: The Font…..
*lots of time passes*
Moon: i take it you saw the new jacob picture but you’re too shy to bring it up?? do you want me to start??
………………
Moon: ok… running barefoot?! wtf? am i right??? just because white bread vanilla snoozville bella and edward sent you an F You! wedding invite doesnt mean you need to risk a cold or worse yet needing a tetanus booster when you inevitably step on a nail from running without shoes.
Moon: you send them a F You! gift from their registry and by gift from their registry i mean a flaming bag of crap thrown onto the cullens front porch!!

What should really happen at Edward & Bella's wedding

Moon: or you streak the wedding, dump a bucket of blood on bella a la “carrie” then yell “they’re all vampires you idiots” at the crowd of dumbass townies who couldnt recognize a werewolf if it phased in front of them……
(it’s your turn to jump in…. anytime now….)
.

The one where he finally gives in and jumps in
The Font: i go get a hot pocket and come back, and this is what happens?!
The Font: why is he BAREFOOT? is that a werewolf thing? or he does not have the twenty seconds to put on shoes?
Moon: i guess when you’re a werewolf in love with a vampire’s girl, pithy things like footwear doesnt matter. if he gets hurt it heals within minutes anyway so i guess he thinks fuck it, try to kill me tetanus!!!

Not exactly the Sports Authority

The Font: still. just for COMFORT’S sake
Moon: well maybe he’s realized it’s not worth it to lose another pair of shoes, because he’ll just get more pissed off, phase and the shoes will shread to pieces anyway. it’s a shitty economy still. he’s being economical and im sure new running shoes arent exactly cheap at newtons outfitters. its not like sports authority. they gotta put mike through community college somehow.
.

The one where we discuss Jorts vs Stretchy Pants and modesty

Official uniform of the wolfpack and everyone in our neighborhood

The Font: aren’t there stretch shoes for these kinds of things? the hulk always has stretch pants
Moon: you’d think thatd be the way they’d go, but they like the denim jorts. hipster wolves?
The Font: let’s talk about THAT! if they have JEANS on, how are those not ripping? jeans are not exactly known for their give
Moon: ok, here it is… (twi nerd of the day award) they either take them off and stash them into the woods before the phase, or they shread off their bodies. thats pretty much how the explain it in the books and movies. in the books, apparently, they tie an extra pair of shorts or whatever around their legs, in the movies they stash them in the woods
The Font: so concerned with modesty, these wolves

Dude follow the cut, we talk about naked Jacob and SO much more after this
Continue…

121 Commented


From the mailbag: Stuff my guy said about Twilight

Hey, girls!

This is the first time I’m writing because, well, I’m a new fan of Twilight. Yep, it’s true. I only just read the books this summer after seeing Eclipse at the movies! How did I manage not to get sucked in before that, you ask? Easy, I’ve been working my ass off to pay for plane tickets so I can see my boyfriend of 5 years who is now my long-distance boyfriend. We literally live on opposite sides of the country (he in Hawaii, me in Florida). Why do I do this? It’s a long story, but I keep it up because he’s amazing. Maybe this letter will give you an idea. . .

So, I trust that you’ve both seen this Burger King commercial?

Yeah, the boyfriend saw them, too. And when, on my last visit he busted me with Twilight in my purse, he totally lost his shiz. He spent the rest of the week asking me if I was gonna leave him for Edward because “he’s had 100 years to learn how to love?” (Snickersnickersnicker) I laughed with him, ’cause it was totally batshiz insane for me to be reading these books. I’m a grown woman! But I spent the rest of the week taking free moments to read it. Then I made him take me to the bookstore so I could buy New Moon. He laughed, but took me anyway, and then bought it for me.

Fast forward to a couple of weeks later. I’m finished with all of the books and my obsession is in full swing, but I’m too embarassed to talk about it with anyone- even the boyfriend whom I talk to multiple times a day. I was deep in the closet, kids. I had just discovered LTT when I got a special care package in the mail. The boyfriend had sent a few things I had forgotten, as well as a special post card:


I’ll translate because his handwriting is illegible. It says

“I’ve only had 31 years to learn how to love, but the last 5 have been the best.”

Not a full-fledged unicorn, but I swooned nonetheless. Here’s hoping all the LTT girls are just as lucky!

xoxo
Hezaire

Awwwwwwww…. give this Unicorn a hand you guys!!!!!!! COME ON! Big Thanks to Hezaire for writing in to us and you should to! EMAIL US!  So who’s had their man or a guy in their life play into your obsession with Twilight? What happened? Anyone’s man dress up like Edward? ;) Any other newbies to the Twidom, like Hezaire?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

15 Commented


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