The Husband and Twilight

Mr. Choice is the president of this club

Dear men interested in being with me,

Hello. My name is UC & I’m in the market for a new man. Tonight after almost falling to the ground from a dizzyspell and spending the evening going from the couch to the bed, dizzy everywhere I went, I decided I was ready to move on from Mr. Choice. He’s just not cutting it anymore. First of all, it took him approximately 48 seconds to come and help me get up from the bathroom floor after I experienced my first dizzy spell- and then he forced a sugary sweet drink down my throat (note SUGARY, not salty..not what you think) THEN when I asked him to help me with an LTT for today, he said, “No.” It’s OVER. Worst husband ever.

So if you’re interested:

  • I’m currently experiencing dizzy spells & it’s either nothing at all or completely serious. We’ll see
  • I love cats, cupcakes & Christmas
  • I spend an extraordinary amount of time online
  • I’d prefer it if you’d look like Robert Pattinson
  • And if you were rich
  • And a good cook- I like eggs
  • And you must want to roleplay as a vampire. I’ll call you Edward- I’ll explain later
  • And you must write at least one LTT for me weekly…. I need a break.

Any takers? In the meantime, be jealous of ThePlaneFriend who has a man much  nicer than that horrible Mr. Choice!

Dear Ltters,

I have the best husband in the world. Truly. To give you an idea how much I adore this man, I am going to make a shocking confession. I wouldn’t even trade him for Edward. (I would, however, want Edward to teach him the leg hitch).

The Plane Husband (I guess I’ll call him that since I’m The Plane Friend) said he wanted to read Twilight a few days after I finished it. This was because I would barely talk to him on a 16 HOUR plane ride to India as I read it and then New Moon—and then made him take me to the nearest Mumbai bookstore to buy Eclipse and Breaking Dawn so I could finish the series (and then read it over and over and over again). I was in India, mind you, and should have been focusing on something other than vampires. But I couldn’t. (And, as luck would have it, the Indian bookstore had both books in paperback. It saved Plane Husband some money, b/c I would have bought them in hardcover in the US despite his protests to get them from the library).

Plane Husband wasn’t won over as an instant unicorn, but has slowly made his way through most of the series in the past two years in between reading other (more manly, most of the time) selections. He has come to all the movies with me. And he’s rather amusing when he talks about them. See the following:

After finishing Twilight:

Husband: “No wonder you like these books so much…this is basically porn for women!”

(I admit that I had been a little more amorous than usual [like wanting to get it on pretty much every day] during the week I lost my Twi-virginity, which I think might have tipped him off).

Me: “So are you going to forbid our daughter from reading them?”

Husband: “Yeah, until she’s married.”

After watching New Moon, in the theater, on opening night, with a lot of screaming teens:

Husband: “I felt like I was in a strip club”

Me: “How would you know?  You’ve never been to a strip club, have you?”

Husband: “No, but I imagine it would be a lot like that.”

After watching Remember Me a few weeks ago:

Husband: “You know, I always thought the whole Twilight cast was terrible, but I think Robert Pattinson is actually a good actor now. Is everyone else just really bad?”

Me: “To be honest, I’ve always thought it was a combination of the screenplays, stuttering Kristen Stewart moments, and the impossibility of taking a fantasy novel written in first person and translating it on screen effectively.”

Husband: “I still think it might just be all the other actors.”

In the car this past weekend, talking about Breaking Dawn:

Husband: “I feel like, with this being the last book and everything, there should have been more action at the beginning. Bella narrated the first what, 100 pages? Nothing happened. Now that Jacob’s narrating, there’s finally something going on.”

Me: “What do you mean nothing happened? Edward and Bella got married, they went on a honeymoon, had vampire-human sex, and made a freaky baby. Stuff happened.”

Husband: “It dragged. I mean, c’mon, Edward is really rich, right? I was expecting something more impressive for the honeymoon.”

Me: “More impressive than taking her to a deserted island with a mansion and the bath-water warm ocean? That’s every girl’s fantasy—even without the perfect vampire. You’re with the guy you love. There’s no one around to distract you…or him. You can have sex on the beach in the middle of the day and know that no one is coming around the bend. Plus, I thought the whole description of how Bella was nervous about their first time was pretty spot-on from the female perspective. It resonates with the intended audience. I was worried about all the same things on our wedding night.”

At that point, we discussed our own wedding night a bit. (Which, oddly enough, was August 13th—but we got married back in 2005—so please don’t think I am one of those crazies who would plan my wedding around sharing Edward and Bella’s anniversary—it’s just fun trivia). And no, I won’t share the sexy times part of our conversation with you, either; it’s my personal fade-to-black, thank you very much.

**Toward the end of the discussion** Me: “At least you didn’t have to worry that having sex with me would kill me.”

Husband: “Can we please stop talking about Twilight now?”

And then yesterday as Husband was reading something on the computer:

Me: What are you laughing at?

Husband: I’m on Letters to Twilight. I figured I should read your post.

Me (in shock b/c Husband has been getting annoyed with me as I have been reading the LTT backlogs and he frequently finds me laughing so hard I’m crying/peeing/spraying water out of my nose as I’m staring at the computer screen and he’d like me to laugh at something he wants to take part in. Online Twilight fandom understandably crosses a line for him): You’re on LTT?

Husband: Yes, and it’s the one and only time I’ll ever be on it.

Me: But what if I have more posts on there? You might be in them.

Husband: I’ll read those too. But that’s it.

So what do you think, LTTers, isn’t he the best?

Love a happily married,

ThePlaneFriend­­­

LUCKY! Wanna trade!???? Jk…. Mr. Choice is pretty cool……He did just make me chocolate milk (I love being sick enough to be babied but not sick enough that I’m really sick)

What have the men in your life done or said about Twilight lately? Any new Unicorn stories to share!???

All images found from stickers on cafepress!

Don’t forget about : While Moon was Gone

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

155 Commented


Stuff guys say about Twilight: The Sparkly version

blahblah

If only I could sparkle like Edward...

Dear women of LTT,

Has it seemed to you like guys are saying less and less about Twilight? My husband hasn’t said anything remotely sarcastic about it in weeks. Maybe it’s because the hype has died down a bit- it’s like the calm before the storm of New Moon hits. Or maybe *brilliant thought alert* our guys have seen the New Moon clips and are so impressed by the wolves and so unimpressed by Edward’s airbrushed abs that they’re re-thinking their mantra of “Must make fun of Twilight and sparkly vampires- no matter the cost.” And you know there are guys out there that have said, after seeing the clips of Edward shirtless (or finding your homemade, shirtless Edward bookmark in your Bible), “That’s it!? That’s what turns you on? Babe, give me two days to work off this Hot Pocket & Heineken gut, and I’ll show you something to get turned on about.” Right, that’s the same.

Anyway, to remind us of how much guys love to talk about how Edward sparkles & to get us excited for all the amazing things guys are going to say about New Moon, I’ve come across a few unshared stories about stuff guys say about Twilight. Can we start taking bets NOW on how long after New Moon is released it will be before we start hearing “I’ll show you a New Moon” while our guy bends over and pulls down his pants? Oh- today’s images brought to you by google image searching “Edward Sparkles”

Seriously corpse-looking Edward: Any funny business and I'll say "Cookie."

Seriously corpse-looking Edward: Any funny business and I'll say "Cookie."

Jennifer’s convo with her moisturized man:

So, I get up in the morning and shower for work and I notice that my last bottle of Caress Shimmering Body Lotion is nearly empty and propped upside down in the shower caddy. Well, I didn’t do that, so my first guess was that the husband did. *ahem*

So the next day, I made a quip about how my lotion was almost gone “The shimmery lotion …” I said, trying to make him feel gay for using glitter.

So he says, “It was the only lotion there was! I think you just wanted me to sparkle like Edward.”

During a recent viewing of Twilight, Twisted Larissa had the following conversation:

Boyfriend: Are you seriously watching this again?
Me: Shut up
Boyfriend: Why doesnt he just do her instead of flying across the room like a dumbass?
Me: He cant…its complicated…he loves her but the smell of her…
Boyfriend: Nevermind its gay. Plus he sparkles
Me: You wouldnt understand
Boyfriend
: I understand that the fag wont just do her, she obviously wants it
Me: Ugh why cant you be more like Edward
Boyfriend: Edward? Is that the cute shirtless indian?
Me: Who’s gay now?
And a Unicorn, who is potentially my uncle, shares his story:

hellnoDear LTT,

After months of prodding my wife “leveraged” me into reading Twilight by rewarding me for each chapter. Hell, for that I would read the entire Jane Austen collection. But I digress. As far as the Twilight series…let me sum it up:

  • Bella, annoying teenager that I don’t understand.
  • Edward, a girly vampire (did I mention he is very attractive and sparkles…it was pretty much a sub-plot of the book).
  • Jacob, seems like a cool hairy guy except for his obsession with Bella, but seems to be the only one that a real man would come close to relating to.

The books were a quick read and not all that bad, except for the 45 page tirades about how good Edward looked, or how good he smelled, or how good of a person he was, or how noble he was, or …you get the point. So other than that, the 25 remaining pages of Twilight were tolerable. I just still do not understand what all the fuss is about. I mean, I tried rubbing glitter all over my body to see if it would make me more attractive during a recent trip to the park. I am of Scandanavian decent so I already have the paleness! All I got was a lot of curious stares…perhaps I should have used more hairgel. That must have been the problem.

At any rate, I told my wife that I would gladly escort her to the New Moon premiere as long as I can write “Team Jacob” down my arms and debate with teenage girls about the merits of why Edward is a virus carrying pedophile.

Sincerely,
A pale Sparkly Team Jacob Member

This Unicorn’s email address said his name was the same as my uncles. I had a panic attack. Seriously. His email address even looked like my uncles. So I wrote him back saying this:

Dear Team Jacob member who has the same name as my uncle & is really creeping me out that you might actually be my uncle so if you happen to have 3 children & live in Pennsylvania let’s just keep this between us. At thanksgiving I won’t mention Team Jacob & you don’t mention knowing I lust over Rob Pattinson. Capiche?,

Hugs… see ya at Mom-moms,
UC

So is it just my guy who has stopped talking about Twilight!? What have your guys talked about lately? Oh, and Bobbygee- we’re counting on you to give us something good today!

Love,
UnintendedChoice

After the jump, find out who won our cafe-press T-shirt contest! Continue…

164 Commented


Unicorns: Where've ya been?

Rob-icorn

Rob-icorn

Dear Unicorns,

Oh where oh where have you been? Are you in unicorn land poking all the hottest female unicorns with your horn? It’s been so long since we’ve come across one of you reading Twilight to your son on a plane or wearing an Edward Cullen T-shirt to the gym. We miss you. Come back & visit us. Be like these guys:

Not Proper Twitiquette (but possibly okay during a Unicorn Drought)

A few weeks ago, I was at the local grocery chain, doing my weekly shopping. On my way out the door, I crossed paths with what I could only describe as a walking cry for help. A middle-aged, nerdy, rather-greasy man walked into the store, displaying his Twi-love for all to see. He wore a black Edward t-shirt, complete with quote, “What if I’m the bad guy?” His wife, walking in beside him, strangely had no Twi-gear on (unless she also keeps her Edward pin affixed to her bra). As you discussed, THIS is not proper Twitiquette. -Ldawg

Jacob’s into cars n’ stuff

Onto my Unicorn-in-Training story. After many months of plotting, I was finally able to convince my hub to just give the first book a try. Oh, it took many discussions on the merits of a teen, vampire romance as a metaphor for first love, forbidden fruit, all the rest. And a promise of some…erm…reward at the end if he finished it.

So, it was slow-going at first, but to my surprise, he actually seemed to be enjoying it; to the point when at night if I tried to talk to him in bed he told me, “honey, I need to read a bit.” Wow! Occasionally I’d get questions like, “What is Bella’s problem? One day she’s mooning over Edward, the next she’s pissed at him!” I even got, “Are they going to do more with Jacob in the others books? I really like how he’s into cars and stuff.”

When he finished the book, we had a truly meaningful discussion on it, and although he told me not to get my hopes up, he said he’s actually interested to see what happens next! Am I a lucky gal or what?! -Ldawg

Read more after the jump Continue…

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My favorite part of the Twilight fandom: Clueless guys!

The latest uniform required for all nurses who work on the psych ward at the local hospital

The latest uniform required for all nurses who work on the psych ward at the local hospital

Dear LTTers- aka “expert” Twilight fans,

One of my favorite things is people who know nothing or very little about Twilight yet think they’re experts.  It is, of course, funny to laugh at their cute little mistakes “That Robert Patterson is so cute” and “I love that scene in the 4th book New Eclipse when Jasper, the wolf, shows up at their wedding,” but mostly I like to be 2nd-hand embarrassed at their lack of knowledge on proper Twi-etiquette (Twitiquette). True2Twilight recently sent us an observation she had while browsing at her local bookstore that perfectly explains my fascination with the less informed:

It seems that ever since Twilight has been a success there are tons of series’ about vamps (The Vampire Diaries, Vampire Kisses, Evermore, Blue Moon…wonder where that name came from). It’s really quite annoying. I refuse to read any of these series’ and stay loyal to Twilight. As I was leaving the bookstore an employee said “Have a nice day” to me and I almost burst out laughing because she had an Edward shirt on. Normally this wouldn’t be funny but she had to be at least fifty.

I don’t care if she was 19, that’s NOT proper Twitiquette. Clearly she was just a casual fan. No fan in the know with a true, deep obsession would actually wear their Edward shirt in public, let alone to work (Well, not unless it was ‘wear your most embarrassing shirt to work day’ or they were BEGGING to be posted on LetterstoTwilight as a featured 2nd-hand embarrassment!) It’s like how I threaten to dress up as Moaning Myrtle for every Harry Potter premiere. I’d do it. I’d embarrass those who sit on Harry Potter fansites 24/7. I’d star as THEIR 2nd-hand embarrassment, but you couldn’t PAY me to dress up like Bella or Alice or Mrs. Cope. And I’d never even ADMIT to owning a “I love boys who sparkle” pin, let alone wear it to see the movie. (I keep it close to my heart- pinned to my bra)

Nice Try hunny.... it's not the same with your gut hanging out though...

Nice Try hunny…. it’s not the same with your gut hanging out though…

Even more than people with bad Twitiquette, I love men who try to get it, but just don’t. You know the type. They ask you what “Twilight Zone” book is your favorite and come to bed wearing fake fangs, thinking it’s the teeth that turn you on- not realizing that it’s actually a 108 year old vampire- Edward Cullen (and of course the guy who played him flawlessly- Robert Pattinson) I love these recent stories sent to me by LTT readers:

Jen shared:

So I went to see Transformers on Sat night with my friend Phil. And one of the previews was for New Moon. So of course I made some sort of sigh noise when shirtless Jacob came on screen. So at the end he morphs into the wolf and Phil leans over and asks, “Are you going to carry around a furry wolf doll in your purse too?” HAHA. I lost it!

Lisa told us:

On my Facebook homepage there was a “Which Twilight character are you?” quiz, so I casually asked my husband which character he thought I would be…his response? “The little Indian boy who turns into a fox” I about died laughing…but the funniest part? He was dead serious and thought that was an accurate description. Apparently my “turn your man into a unicorn” skills are lacking and I need to take the course again.

And a “mom who once had a life” e-mailed us, a little upset that we’ve kept her from going back to her life & sucked her into our LTT/LTR world, but also shared what her husband really thinks she’s up to:

I’m sorry ladies but I’m also one who has to keep you a secret guilty pleasure. Yes I’ve watched every video out there with the words Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart. I’ve analyzed the expressions and the body language of said stars. I hunt for terms like RPatz, Robward, Robsten and curse the paps when they crowd my obsessions. When my husband tries to sit by me, I try to make it look innocent when I close my laptop. He thinks I’m secretly addicted to porn sites. In reality, I’m hunting through your archives for more things to make me LMAO. It’s getting difficult hiding my guilty giggles from the family. So I have to peek when no one’s home. Ughh. I’ve now become a LTR/LTT crack addict. I’m sending my rehab bill to you.

Will it ever get old? I’ll still laugh hysterically when I think of the first thing my husband ever said about Rob After explaining to him that Sam Bradley was a good friend of Robs, he said, in all seriousness, “I thought Victor Krum was his best friend?”

Aww! They’re so cute. Almost as cute as Twi-virgins, don’t you think? So cough it up- we know your guys have said the most insane things about Twilight. Share with all of us (and by “share” I mean save your second best story for the comments and e-mail us with the best ones so we can use them in a future post!)

Love,
UnintendedChoice

Do you like Rob? Yeah, we thought so. Go read letters to him over on LettersToRob

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Stuff guys say about Twilight and about me meeting Rob

This unicorn needs to call me. I need new content

This unicorn needs to call me. I need new content

Dear LTTers,

I have a confession to make. After 6 and 1/2 months of blogging at least once a day about Twilight-related stuff, sometimes it’s difficult to come up with content. So occasionally….. I force it. I’ll check my favorite Twilight Saga blogs: NewMoonMovie or TwiCrackAddict and read a headline like “Solomon Trimble: coming to a K-mart near you” and run to my husband and say “Great news! Solomon Trimble, the guy who played Sam (we think) in Twilight but didn’t get rehired b/c he wasn’t studly enough, is gonna be folding sheets in the Martha Stewart section in the Kmart up in Qtown.” Then I wait. What used to happen is that my husband would say something funny. Then I’d say “YES!” and quickly run to draft up a post on my computer. But he’s caught on. He no longer responds to me whenever I mention anything Twilight-related (However, he does respond whenever I mention Rob. He says “He’s a tool”)

So me catching “stuff guys say about Twilight” hasn’t been happening as naturally as it once did. However, it’s been my lucky week because I’ve just captured 3 gems:

1. My friend Jen e-mailed me a little story about the guy who sits next to her at work. He heard on the radio that Rob’s abs were airbrushed on in the New Moon Volterra scene and was appalled. Then this conversation happened between Jen, a girlfriend & her guyfriend:

Girlfriend: (saying to Jen) Hey Arizona, how you likin’ the rain? (UC Note: I can’t even count the number of ‘arizona how you likin’ the rain’ and ‘forks-like weather’ references I’ve heard recently in Pennsylvania. It hasn’t stopped raining for a month)
Guyfriend
: What are you girls talking about?
Jen
: Twilight
Guyfriend
: Oh geez. Yeah, rain…I hope he gets caught in the rain and it washes his airbrushed abs off. Maybe I’ll airbrush 3 extra feet on myself (Jen note: Joe is 5’4″ tall)

See what else guys say after the jump! Continue…

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