The Lautner Family Christmas letter

Today, we’re bringing you a very special family Christmas letter:

December 2009                     Issue 19, Vol 4

Family trip to the jersey shore in 06

To our Family, friends, and all the folks over at BigDaddyFan.net,

Been a big year for the Lautner family. May have heard about all the successes young Taylor has had. It’s been great having a lot of young beauties hanging around. I can get lonely ever since Debbie left. I’ve been trying to get back out on the dating scene. When Debbie split I thought I’d just hit a couple hockey games with the son, maybe hop a plane over to ol’ Pari’, breakout the handheld and find a companion, but it seems Taylor has more luck in that department. Not that I’m complaining. This blonde that has been hanging around lately is a real cutie. We have this inside joke where I goose her every time she walks by. She gets a kick out of that. Haven’t seen her in awhile come to think… They seem to be spending a lot of time over at her place. Hmm.. I’ll have to cook her up my world famous “Big Daddy triple pounder, double fried burger with pepperjack, mozzarella & swiss cheese burgers” to entice her to come around more.

You may have heard that I’ve taken some time away from the airline industry. The company no longer felt it safe for me to hook two seatbelts together to stay in the pilot seat and there wasn’t room in the budget for a bigger belt. Just need to drop another 40-50 and I can retake my tests and hopefully get back up there in the air

News from the around the Valley: I’ve been really busy volunteering for city council. You might remember me mentioning last year I started the one-man restaurant team. We lobby for the best eats to be brought into the neighborhood and try to keep In-N-Out from growing their territory. What kind of restaurant only has 4 things on their menu? I don’t care what kind of secret menu you might find if you use the world wide web, I like having options when I go out to dine. Plus, I’d never set foot into an establishment without a fish sandwich on the menu. Why wouldn’t you have a fish sandwich, In-N-Out? Don’t you know some people like a change from the triple pounder from time to time? Anyway, we had great success this year protesting a local independent theater that was showing Super-Size-Me. That’s just propaganda no one needs to hear.

I’d include some recent pictures or a video of the kids, but I’ve been a little busy using the camcorder to film all the hot European chicks Taylor and I ran across during his press tour. I also ran out of memory on my digital camera after taking a picture of every Fish-o-Filet I’ve eaten in the last year (for a promotional video on the restaurant team section of the city council website. It’ll be up here real soon: valleycitycouncil.web.us.gov/team/misc/citizenoutreach.html/fishsandwiches.webs) I gotta get over to the Radio Shack to figure out how to add more memory to this camera. But if you really care to know what Taylor looks like, just peek at the posters on every bus stop- he pretty much looks like that in real life. Makena is growing up nicely. I think she looks more and more like her ol’ pop every day! Continue…

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Taylor Lautner on SNL… what shall we say…

Wait, I think I see a funny skit over there...

Dear Taylor,

Now you know I love ya something fierce (most days) and think of you and Taylor Swift as my own personal Disney Prince and Princess but when the nicest thing I can say about SNL is that you really can rock a wig… that’s probably not good. Now, before I get more than my daily share of hate mail I gotta say there were a couple shining moments in your episode of SNL…

  • Your opening monologue! Showing the VMA clip where you just stood there doing nothing while Kanye trampled all over your sweeties moment was all kinds of hilarious

[vodpod id=Groupvideo.4202356&w=425&h=350&fv=]
round house kick…

  • Those pre-roll photos they show of the host before the skit. Those were HOT sauce and should be added to some museum for creepy women older than you to enjoy

Oh hey hey heeeeey!

  • The wigs. How is it that you can pull off a blond wig, a floppy McDonalds arches mid 90s wig, an emo wig and a freaking crimped and braided teenage girl wig? Does it worry you any that compared to most other teenage boys you look pretty natural in  long girly hair? And most importantly does it worry you that a TV show has access to better wigs than a movie with a multi-million dollar budget has?

Nice rack!

See what else was win, what sucked and what certain red head country star made a cameo after the cut
Continue…

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Taylor on Saturday Night Live!

Dear Taylor-

Tonight you’re going to be hosting Saturday Night Live and if I’m honest I’m beyond excited for you and for me! I may have even double checked the DVR like uh… 5 times or so just to make sure I’ll have it recorded for all of eternity or until my DVR blows up from recording too many episodes of Top Chef and Jersey Shore (It’s “The Situation,” yall!). I’m kinda of an SNL connoisseur  so can I suggest a few things?

You kind HAVE TO do a skit where you impersonate Rob! I mean seriously, who else could do it? Put on a wig of crazy sex hair, a flannel and have some girl in a black mullet wig tell you what to do, brood a bunch and it’s gold I tell ya!

Make fun of yourself and the jorts! You HAVE to do a wolfpack skit or at the very least something about teen wolf! Only one of the best movie of the 80s by Micheal J Fox that didn’t have to do with time travel.

Opening Monologue?! Well, I mean Taylor Swift set the bar pretty hight… you either gonna have to give her a shout out or do your best impression of Taylor doing Taylor Swift doing Shakira… whew I’m just tired thinking about it…

I have BIG hopes for your Taylor… you will rock this cause no one can do worse than January Jones did this season on SNL. So bring it and bring it HARD (that’s what she said!) Cause I’ll be watching!!!!!!!

Break a leg!
Themoonisdown

What skits do you hope Taylor does on SNL tonight? An “Oh Really?” or perhaps a “Target” with Kristen Wig? Let’s all cross our fingers Big Daddy makes it in because this SNL will (hopefully) be full of videos and videos worth of blog content!

One Year later and our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

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New Moon means new laughs

Dear New Moon,

I know my letter title sounds like I might have a funny commentary about New Moon, the movie, but no, not yet. At press time I’ve only seen the movie once and I’m still reveling in Chris Weitz’ brilliancy. Plus I’m exhausted. Utterly exhausted. This week in LA with Moon was one of the best I’ve ever had, but we were busy and went went went non-stop. We were like little energizer bunnies or like me and Rob if we ever ended up in the same bed. We didn’t stop. So when I finally got a moment to rest yesterday in the airport as I waited for my plane home (as I was a major sad panda) I caught up on all the videos I missed from the past few weeks.  Here are 3 of my favorites!

My favorite Twilight cast interview last year does it again. Part 1 (warning. Don’t watch in your Sunday best. Lots of Language)

Swiftner lives!

Part 2 of uncensored cast interview:

Happy Sunday! Hope you laughed. I promise a REAL commentary about all the new laughs you are sure to provide us for months to come very soon. For now, I’m going to nap!

Love,
UnintendedChoice

Our internet game is ridiculous: The Forum, LTT, Twitter

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(Un)Motivated by Twilight Round 2

Dear everyone who is so freakin’ glad it’s Friday,

I had an EPIC post planned for today. Seriously. You would have laughed till you cried, cried till you laughed and when you finally caught your breath, you would’ve told everyone you know that “UnintendedChoice is my hero- I wanna be like her when I grow up.” Yes. It was that good. But alas, yesterday (the day on which I planned to pen this EPIC post) I woke up with cramps, everything made me cry because of those cramps so I would run to the bathroom at work to have some alone time with my tears. And then in the middle of watching myself sob in the mirror, I’d start to laugh. Because I saw 2 colorful strings hanging outside of pants and trailing behind me. Yes. They were the decorative strings from the bathing suit bottoms I was wearing as underwear and walked around with hanging outside of my jeans for 1/2 the day. And after my laughter, I started to cry again because knowing I was wearing my bathing suit as underwear meant I had to spend my entire weekend doing 6 weeks worth of laundry.

Yeah, my week was like that over and over every day. So I knew the EPIC post would have to wait. So what do I talk about? Should I mention the hilarious tidbit of news 1,000 people emailed us about Buttcrack Santa? Nah. I’ll make you wait for that. How bout I swoon over Jashley’s new photoshoot where they’re kissing? Hmm. I’m gonna keep that for myself.  Did Kristen say anything recently to offend the lesbian community? Probably but… I need to laugh. You need to laugh. So I reached into my treasure chest and was motivated to post a second-round of Motivational Posters because they are just what this Friday needs!


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