Team Jacob, almost

Things we have in common: Pale, Brown hair & eyes, F*cking Rob Pattinson- oh wait.. nm...

Dear Bella,

I first read about you long before I had a friend to talk about you with, an actress to put a face to your name or a vision of you as a sub or slutty secretary. And I liked you. I related to you- minus the hot vampire boyfriend part. It was to my surprise when I finally got a friend to read about you, that she wasn’t impressed. Not necessarily with the saga- she liked it enough, but she thought you were…. ANNOYING! And WINEY! And unfair to Edward & Jacob. Okay, I can agree with the last part, especially in Eclipse, but I never really had much to complain about you prior to that.

Turns out, a LOT of people really think you went too far with Jacob in Eclipse. Of course those are the people who are 100% Team Edward. There are also those who think you didn’t go far ENOUGH with Jacob. Those people are crazy and we all agree should be locked up (except for Stephenie Meyer, who we’re 97.6% convinced IS Team Jacob. We need her to stay around to never ever finish Midnight Sun or write about Jashley)  I, on the other hand, am also 100% Team Edward, and sure I wasn’t happy about the way you strung Jake along, but on the mountain, after the tent scene, when you beg Jake not to leave and then ask him to KISS you- I’ll admit, I was cheering you on in my head. Of course IMMEDIATELY afterward I felt regret, disgust & guilt, but in the moment I was there with you- urging you on, hoping you slipped a little tongue in, grabbed a hold of his hair and pushed yourself up against him a little harder. I know, I’m a little ashamed of myself.

well.. almost...

So it shouldn’t surprise you that on Tuesday evening when I got to see you and Jacob in PERSON on the big screen, my reaction mirrored the one I had in the book. As the moment drew near, I felt the build in my stomach, the shortening of my breath, the beginnings of a cold sweat running down my back. When you demanded Jacob not leave, a smile crept onto my face. It was at that moment when I was distracted by a movement to my left. Moon, in the seat next to me, COVERED her face with her hand. She spread her fingers slightly so she could view the screen, but her stance was one of fear. We must’ve looked ridiculous with my giddy smile and slight bounce in the seat & Moon’s fear of what we both knew was coming. And then it happened. You asked Jacob to kiss you. And he did. Sloppily, too fast, heads moved too much and I’m not sure I saw the french kiss of my imagination, but it happened. And I yelled with joy along with Team Jacob. And when it was over, I felt the utter shame & humiliation.

I think I understand you. I think I understand your plight. You love them both. I love you with them both. I’d love myself with them both even more, especially if it were at the same time, but that’s for someone to write about and send to me secretly so I can keep it stashed in my secret fan fiction drawer next to my bed. Jacob is perfect for you. Jacob understands you. Jacob would be amazing for your future. But Edward is your soulmate. You and Edward are made for each other. You and Edward fit. (Plus imprinting on a child is weird enough. Let’s not add in Jacob imprinting on a child he MADE with YOU!)

DO IT DO IT! (Even though Bella looks like a wolf here....)

So when Jacob sauntered over to you and brought your face close to his and lowered his lips down on yours, I was chanting “Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!” along with the 12 Team Jacob members in the theater. I knew the consequences of the choice I was making (name that quote) but I yelled it anyway. Well, quietly. Cuz I think Moon had a knife in her purse she would have used on me had I vocalized what was in my head.

So you should know you’re not alone. There are those who feel you chose wrong & should have gone with Jacob, but they are crazy people who sleep with wolf stuffed animals. Then there are those who whole-heartedly knew Edward was the best for you from the beginning, and there is a special place in heaven for them with personal mansions filled with rooms specifically for pillow biting, headboard breaking & egg cooking in the nude. And then there are those like me- who hugged a stuffed animal wolf for like 3 seconds once and had a good time doing it, but then threw it in a blender, turned in into cotton & made some sexy lingerie from it which was promptly removed before breaking headboards, biting pillows & showing Jacob how it’s done with Edward, the only one for you!

So you & I considered the other guy for like a half a second, but we chose right! I got your back, Bella!

Love,
UnintendedChoice

So… were you like Team Moon covering your face in horror of what was to come? Or are you joining Team UC where you got excited for a split second for the kiss with the boy that almost was the one?

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Taylor Lautner on SNL… what shall we say…

Wait, I think I see a funny skit over there...

Dear Taylor,

Now you know I love ya something fierce (most days) and think of you and Taylor Swift as my own personal Disney Prince and Princess but when the nicest thing I can say about SNL is that you really can rock a wig… that’s probably not good. Now, before I get more than my daily share of hate mail I gotta say there were a couple shining moments in your episode of SNL…

  • Your opening monologue! Showing the VMA clip where you just stood there doing nothing while Kanye trampled all over your sweeties moment was all kinds of hilarious

[vodpod id=Groupvideo.4202356&w=425&h=350&fv=]
round house kick…

  • Those pre-roll photos they show of the host before the skit. Those were HOT sauce and should be added to some museum for creepy women older than you to enjoy

Oh hey hey heeeeey!

  • The wigs. How is it that you can pull off a blond wig, a floppy McDonalds arches mid 90s wig, an emo wig and a freaking crimped and braided teenage girl wig? Does it worry you any that compared to most other teenage boys you look pretty natural in  long girly hair? And most importantly does it worry you that a TV show has access to better wigs than a movie with a multi-million dollar budget has?

Nice rack!

See what else was win, what sucked and what certain red head country star made a cameo after the cut
Continue…

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Jimmy Fallon is SUCH a Twilight fanboy!

Nouget-about-it!

Dear Jimmy Fallon,

First off I heart your show! If anyone had to take the late night spot of my beloved Conan, I’m glad its you. While your hair doesn’t stand up to the fabulous red heights of CoCo’s beautiful soft serve ice cream cone of a hairdo, your humor does. I cant tell you how many times me and my friends yell out “BOTHERED” on a daily basis or “hungerectomy” (when you get your hunger removed, naturally) or “snacklish” (I learned my first word in Snacklish: it’s BOTHERED!) and beg everyone we know to visit Robertisbothered.com just so they can participate in the awesomeness of “pumpkins are dumb fat squashes!” Now, we originally thought you were jumping on the Twilight/Rob bandwagon because it’s the (sorta, if you’re a major nerd like us) hip thing right now and heck, if we’re all honest anything Twilight will get you mad viewers.

But I was so wrong.

but really what's it like being with EDWARD CULLEN?! Does he really sparkle?

You didn’t make Robertisbothered.com or have Taylor and Kristen on your show just because you wanted viewers. You did it cause you’re SUCH A FANBOY!!! It’s alright to admit it, I watched your interviews with both Kristen and Taylor and I could see it in your eyes. You had the look of a Twimom who’d been standing in line at a Hot Topic for 10 days just to get the new Jacob doll or to get your DVD signed by Bob the Electrician #3 on the film. Trust me, I’m a seasoned professional Twilight outer, I can see this stuff a mile away.  So when you started acting all nervous and dorky (more than usual) around Kristen I knew you had it BAD. You talked about the good stuff like Bon Iver (though KStew didn’t know the backstory) and you had her throw footballs at plates (aka what the UC & Moon’s talk show would consist of) I just wished you had freaked her and Taylor out with some super creepo detailed fan questions such as:

  • “So have you thought about how you’re going to act out a half human, half vampire baby is eating its way out of your uterus?
  • Seriously, fade to black?! Don’t you agree Kristen, Stephenie Meyer is such a cock block there?!
  • Taylor, you’re gonna imprint on a newborn baby, don’t you find it funny that after protecting you for the last year, Chris Hansen is gonna be chasing after YOU now?! Cause I’m dying thinking of the irony here.
  • So what’s Buttcrack Santa really like!? SPILL!

Read the rest and watch some videos of awesomeness after the cut

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UC & Moon: Bring it on

Dear LTT readers,

I know it seems SO romantic. Two girls meet at music school and don’t become friends. Years later they reconnect randomly online. Their friendship grows slowly and then intensifies over a shared passion for a vampire love story and its leading man. One day that passion turns into a blog to be shared with “one or two close friends.” And ten and 1/2 months later we’ve become UC & Moon- former frenemies turned creative partners. Countless hours, laughs & tears turned an idea from a boring December day at work into a community we both love & are proud of. Great story, right? Yeah, it’s not that perfect. You see, Moon & I clash. We fight. We stamp our feet. We throw temper tantrums. We act like kids when we don’t get our way. We aren’t former frenemies for no reason. We don’t want to hide this from you. We feel like we’re painting a picture of perfection that is so untrue. So today we bring you: UC & Moon: Bring it on

Brooke: Are you guys excited that your teams are playing each other today?
UC: duh of course. I’ve been texting “Bring it” to Moon every 5 minutes
Moon
: And my auto response I’ve set up is “OH it’s already been broughten!”
UC: it’s getting pretty intense up in here
Moon: Just the way we like it! Can you feel the tremors of my teams rage?!
UC
: But we all know at the end of the day, my team wins
Brooke: so who do you think will win? What’s your team got that the other doesn’t?
UC: Duh. Mine sparkles
Moon: Eff the sparkles! We can play any time of the day! All your team throws are glitter bombs, we’ve got heat
Brooke
: Ugh, guys.. wait a sec—
UC: Well, mine has a PERFECT body (not to mention is of LEGAL age)
Moon: We’ve got social security cards and birth dates that were issued within the past 2 decades
UC
: We don’t die
Moon: we won’t break!
UC: We make tweed look HOT
Moon: We mend in like 5 minutes
UC: We don’t need to mend
Moon: We ROCK JORTS like no ones every rocked a pair of cut off denim shorts
UC: We don’t need to BATHE
Moon: well thats just gross

You should see us in Jorts

You should see us in Jorts

Brooke: UC? Moon?
UC
: At the end of the day WE get the girl. ON isle Esme. We DO it with her. MANY TIMES (wow. I am a girl and i just said that) Uh….scratch that
Moon
: we have tattoos!
UC
: We have a crest and the girls get it dyed on their hoo ha
Moon
: you are gay
UC
: You are small and smell like a wet dog
Moon
: small? We’re like 6’7″
UC
: Yeah whatever
Moon
: you look UP to us
UC
: You hang out with a pack of BOYS and a potentially lesbian girl. YOU’RE the gay one
Moon
: YOU’RE A VIRGIN and have been for 100 years
UC
: YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH A CHILD and should be thrown in jail. Not to mention it’s MY Team’s Child. That we made. When we BANGED your former love

Brooke: GIRLS

Find out who wins the fight (I do) after the jump! Continue…

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Tuesday Twilosophy: My confession

twilosophygreenDear Twilosophy 101 Classmates,

Sometimes we like to put aside the funny & have real talk about the deep, meaningful issues of Twilight- because there are so many. Twilight is serious. Just like Tweed. So Twilosophy must be taken seriously. In fact I made an image to accurately reflect the seriousness of Twilosophy.

Moving on, I was recently chatting with The Quad:

EastFriend: You know what I think, “Don’t have sex till you’re married, kids!” But… I wanted Edward and Bella to do it. I was literally breathless during those parts of the book…dying…

And then I threw my copy of Eclipse across the beach when she kissed Jacob. And admitted to Edward that she loved Jacob–”but I know whom I love more.” I kid you not, like a 3 year old having a tantrum, I flung that book across the sand, in disgust…going, “STUPID BEOTCH!” I then sat there for a good minute before picking it up and beginning to read again. Love me through it. (And yes, that copy of Eclipse–I have 3–still has sand in it. No lie.)

UC:  I wanted her to get it on with Jacob for a quick second.

WestFriend: UC……I could kick you for that remark.
I am with EastFriend…I literally threw my book across the floor too. I did. I yelled in agony too. I said, “Oh no she did NOT!” and then told my family I wasn’t crazy. And then kept reading.

EastFriend: Ewwwww. You did not! I  mean, yeah he’s cute and warm and cuddly and semi-sexy. But not for one minute did I want her to even put her lips near his. Nope. Not at all.

UC: I didn’t want it. until he DID it. until he kissed her. Then i wanted it. Then i was mad. And felt ashamed. Just like Bella. I AM Bella, clearly. Minus the bad cover-up mullet-wig.

I’ll confess, and this is hard for me knowing the ridicule and scorn I’ll receive from my beloved readers (it’ll be like any time KStew makes a fashion decision without the help of a stylist or how TammyO is treated in her real life that causes her to be so cruel on LTT), but I wanted Bella to kiss Jacob back!

My kind of shirt

My kind of shirt

I did. I wanted the kiss to happen. I wanted it to be hot. I wanted there to be tongue. I wanted there to be grinding up against each other (Clearly I needed to get laid that day) And I wasn’t disappointed. Until I remembered Edward. And how I had been thinking about how I wanted HIM to grind up against me Bella a chapter earlier. And I felt torn. And confused. And unsure of what to do. So I re-read the kiss part and tried to ignore those feelings for a few more seconds.

I’m not alone right!? There are other Team Edward members who think it would be fun to dabble in a little Team Jacob action from time to time, right? RIGHT!?I mean, I know Bella agrees. She liked that kiss- she CRIED over that kiss. And she’s the biggest Team Edward fan around!

Well, I did a little asking around in hopes that I would find an underground community of avid Team Edward members who occasionally had a little daytime fantasy about Jacob: Continue…

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