Random Ramblings for your Monday..

Dear Twilight,

I miss dressing in disguise like this

I know it seems like Moon & I don’t care, but we do. We really do. We spend at least a good 5 minutes a day complaining to each other about how much we miss you & the fun we’ve had. And GET THIS– we have to schedule time to talk to each other. Really. Moon sends me a Google invite to schedule a meeting. I tell her all the time I really only like BING invites (brainwashed by The CW) but she keeps sending them from Google. I have no idea why.

I miss this

Anyway, I just wanted to pop in & give you an update on what I’ve been up to. Besides my week of sickness resulting in an eye infection, ear infection & possible sinus infection (yes I’m a 4 year old). I cleaned my closet. And realized that the big box of crap that Stephenie Meyer sent us after the epic meeting in 2010 STILL has crap left in it (ps: it’s the crappiest crap left, of course) and it’s taking up room in my closest, and I’m OVER it. So please comment with something that makes me laugh & I’ll send a random commenter something crappy (no you’ll love it! promise!)

Anyway, I want to tell you some REALLY exciting news: I’m writing a BOOK! Yes!!! I know! About time, right? It’s still in the works, but here’s a quick synopsis:

Kathy & Peter are from the same rural territory. Every year a young boy & girl are chosen from each territory and taken to the big city where they are televised and forced to prove their sexual prowess in something called “The Sexual Games,” created for the enjoyment of the residents of the city. Kathy is strong. In the beginning when all participants are meeting each other in a sort-of “speed dating” called “speed flirting” where you show off your skills to each other, she impresses the guys with her impeccable skill at darts. And Peter is incredible in the kitchen. Woman get woozy just by smelling his cinnamon buns.

As the games are set to begin, the participants are standing in a circle waiting for the gunshot to let them know it’s time. In the center of the partipants are “tools” they’ll need for the games. After the shot is fired, everyone runs towards the gear– they have to pick up tools like sexy lingerie, whips, chains, cartons of lube, condoms, dildos and a few surprises I won’t share here!

Kathy & Peter aren’t the best match. Kathy wasn’t ready for the games– she had a potential mate back home (Dale) and Peter just isn’t confident. But throughout my story you’ll see Kathy & Peter come together for the games (pun intended)– knowing that if they are going to win “The Sexual Games” they had better have the hottest sex in front of the cameras they can possible have. And through their fight, they might just find love. You’ll just have to wait & see!

What do you think? If my first printing goes well, I think I’m going to sell the movie rights! Oh and before you ask– yes, I have the same lawyer as E.L. James!

In other news, someone marvelous got this tattoo:

Yes. It’s a tattoo of jorts. On a guy. A guy with a lot of tattoos. Who I’m pretty sure isn’t actually part of “Team Jacob.” But it has jorts GUYS! I’m pretty sure I’m in love with him for doing this. Thanks Sianna for sending it to us!

So that’s what’s new with me. Now make me laugh so I can send you some crap




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81 Commented

A Jacob even I’d get it on with

Dear Twilight,

It’s been awhile since I considered another actor who could play Jacob. I never really cared about the drama way back when before Taylor had the job for New Moon for sure. Except that it was fun to see what other meat-head guido dudes wanted the role. I liked Taylor. He was a cute kid & I felt kinda bad that his job was up in the air for awhile.

Try and tell me you're not wowed

Then he proved everyone wrong & ate his little baggies filled with meat (< — read that and reminisce (ps there’s a video)) and wowed us with his abs. And despite his goofy smile & kinda little-boy voice, he is completely believable as Jacob. So much, in fact, that Mr. Choice thinks he’s “So much better than that Paddleston guy.”

I was never on Team Jacob. Not when I read the books, and definitely not after I saw Rob Pattinson as Edward. But a conversation with LTT-turned-Real Life Friends Lula  & CalliopeBlabs yesterday made me realized I could have been Team Jacob, if the right guy was playing him.

Let me introduce you to Caleb from Pretty Little Liars (Surprised? Did you think my obsession with teen things stopped at Twilight? Heck no! I watch this drama-mystery on ABC Family every week!)

He’s Hot:

He’s Native American I actually have no idea- but he looks it:

He could have been Jacob (He’s skinny, yes, but he could have easily bulked up. I think Taylor Lautner could’ve let him in on his ‘roids meat in baggies secret)

I could be your Jacob

What do you MEAN you didn't want to bang me? I'll let you pull my hair...

And if he was…. I would’ve been in a tricky place. I’m used to thinking Taylor is a cute Jacob and loving the chemistry between him & Bella, but that’s it. It’s not enough- it doesn’t make me question my allegiance to Edward. And I thought that’s because I was a “True twilight Fan” always dedicated to the REAL love of Bella’s life…. (Or something like that. I don’t actually sit around and think about my allegiance to the series too often, surprisingly) But.. it’s possible that I feel that way because, in the beginning I never read Jacob as the more attractive of the two characters. And then when the movie came out, Taylor didn’t change my mind. But what if someone had? What if CALEB (oh yeah- his real name is Tyler Blackburn) was Jacob & I was JUST as attracted to him as I was Edward? WHAT WOULD HAPPEN THEN??? WOULD THE WORLD END? WOULD STEPHENIE MEYER CRY? WOULD I WEAR A TEAM JACOB SHIRT TO BED INSTEAD OF MY TEAM EDWARD SHIRT? WHAT WOULD ROBSTEN DO? WOULD THEY BE UPSET WITH ME?

Okay I'm shirtless now... let the rescuing commence

I don’t know- but I know that instead of laughing when Jacob rips off his shirt anytime he gets mad or rescues Bella happens I’d drool instead. And I wouldn’t cover my face during this scenes when Jacob kisses Bella & would instead stand up & cheer in the audience. And possibly throw my panties at the screen. That depends on if I brought a flask to the movies that day. Ya know….

I guess I have to confess:

Hi, I’m UC. I’m Team Edward, but only because I’m not really attracted to Jacob, because he’s a lot younger than me and has really white teeth. But if he was a different guy, I’d probably be Team Jacob. Or Team Both. Or Team Confused. Thank you for listening.


Watch this & try to tell me you don’t see the potential: (stupid You tube wouldn’t let me embed the original but you get the point. Hot)

Does this surprise you? Have you thought of another guy that might have worked as Jacob? And does that change how you FEEL about him? ALSO, is it possible I need to read the books again to be better reminded why I’m Team Edward since the movies try to confuse us in thinking Bella actually considered Jake for one second??

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70 Commented

Team Jacob, almost

Things we have in common: Pale, Brown hair & eyes, F*cking Rob Pattinson- oh wait.. nm...

Dear Bella,

I first read about you long before I had a friend to talk about you with, an actress to put a face to your name or a vision of you as a sub or slutty secretary. And I liked you. I related to you- minus the hot vampire boyfriend part. It was to my surprise when I finally got a friend to read about you, that she wasn’t impressed. Not necessarily with the saga- she liked it enough, but she thought you were…. ANNOYING! And WINEY! And unfair to Edward & Jacob. Okay, I can agree with the last part, especially in Eclipse, but I never really had much to complain about you prior to that.

Turns out, a LOT of people really think you went too far with Jacob in Eclipse. Of course those are the people who are 100% Team Edward. There are also those who think you didn’t go far ENOUGH with Jacob. Those people are crazy and we all agree should be locked up (except for Stephenie Meyer, who we’re 97.6% convinced IS Team Jacob. We need her to stay around to never ever finish Midnight Sun or write about Jashley)  I, on the other hand, am also 100% Team Edward, and sure I wasn’t happy about the way you strung Jake along, but on the mountain, after the tent scene, when you beg Jake not to leave and then ask him to KISS you- I’ll admit, I was cheering you on in my head. Of course IMMEDIATELY afterward I felt regret, disgust & guilt, but in the moment I was there with you- urging you on, hoping you slipped a little tongue in, grabbed a hold of his hair and pushed yourself up against him a little harder. I know, I’m a little ashamed of myself.

well.. almost...

So it shouldn’t surprise you that on Tuesday evening when I got to see you and Jacob in PERSON on the big screen, my reaction mirrored the one I had in the book. As the moment drew near, I felt the build in my stomach, the shortening of my breath, the beginnings of a cold sweat running down my back. When you demanded Jacob not leave, a smile crept onto my face. It was at that moment when I was distracted by a movement to my left. Moon, in the seat next to me, COVERED her face with her hand. She spread her fingers slightly so she could view the screen, but her stance was one of fear. We must’ve looked ridiculous with my giddy smile and slight bounce in the seat & Moon’s fear of what we both knew was coming. And then it happened. You asked Jacob to kiss you. And he did. Sloppily, too fast, heads moved too much and I’m not sure I saw the french kiss of my imagination, but it happened. And I yelled with joy along with Team Jacob. And when it was over, I felt the utter shame & humiliation.

I think I understand you. I think I understand your plight. You love them both. I love you with them both. I’d love myself with them both even more, especially if it were at the same time, but that’s for someone to write about and send to me secretly so I can keep it stashed in my secret fan fiction drawer next to my bed. Jacob is perfect for you. Jacob understands you. Jacob would be amazing for your future. But Edward is your soulmate. You and Edward are made for each other. You and Edward fit. (Plus imprinting on a child is weird enough. Let’s not add in Jacob imprinting on a child he MADE with YOU!)

DO IT DO IT! (Even though Bella looks like a wolf here....)

So when Jacob sauntered over to you and brought your face close to his and lowered his lips down on yours, I was chanting “Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!” along with the 12 Team Jacob members in the theater. I knew the consequences of the choice I was making (name that quote) but I yelled it anyway. Well, quietly. Cuz I think Moon had a knife in her purse she would have used on me had I vocalized what was in my head.

So you should know you’re not alone. There are those who feel you chose wrong & should have gone with Jacob, but they are crazy people who sleep with wolf stuffed animals. Then there are those who whole-heartedly knew Edward was the best for you from the beginning, and there is a special place in heaven for them with personal mansions filled with rooms specifically for pillow biting, headboard breaking & egg cooking in the nude. And then there are those like me- who hugged a stuffed animal wolf for like 3 seconds once and had a good time doing it, but then threw it in a blender, turned in into cotton & made some sexy lingerie from it which was promptly removed before breaking headboards, biting pillows & showing Jacob how it’s done with Edward, the only one for you!

So you & I considered the other guy for like a half a second, but we chose right! I got your back, Bella!


So… were you like Team Moon covering your face in horror of what was to come? Or are you joining Team UC where you got excited for a split second for the kiss with the boy that almost was the one?

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181 Commented

Taylor Lautner on SNL… what shall we say…

Wait, I think I see a funny skit over there...

Dear Taylor,

Now you know I love ya something fierce (most days) and think of you and Taylor Swift as my own personal Disney Prince and Princess but when the nicest thing I can say about SNL is that you really can rock a wig… that’s probably not good. Now, before I get more than my daily share of hate mail I gotta say there were a couple shining moments in your episode of SNL…

  • Your opening monologue! Showing the VMA clip where you just stood there doing nothing while Kanye trampled all over your sweeties moment was all kinds of hilarious

[vodpod id=Groupvideo.4202356&w=425&h=350&fv=]
round house kick…

  • Those pre-roll photos they show of the host before the skit. Those were HOT sauce and should be added to some museum for creepy women older than you to enjoy

Oh hey hey heeeeey!

  • The wigs. How is it that you can pull off a blond wig, a floppy McDonalds arches mid 90s wig, an emo wig and a freaking crimped and braided teenage girl wig? Does it worry you any that compared to most other teenage boys you look pretty natural in  long girly hair? And most importantly does it worry you that a TV show has access to better wigs than a movie with a multi-million dollar budget has?

Nice rack!

See what else was win, what sucked and what certain red head country star made a cameo after the cut

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New Moon: The Hits and the Misses, Moon’s review part 2

*Missed part one? Read it here*

The wolf's outta the bag

Dear LTT-ers and anyone every having to do with New Moon,

Today we continue on with beating a dead horse aka our reviews of New Moon and this is my part two since I was so long winded the first time around. Wednesday, I started this review by posting what I call the hits and misses of the movie so let’s continue down that path…


Alrighty smile for the camera, say: "cheee-we'retotallyoblivious towhatsreallygoingoninthistown-eeese"

The Humans
Once again the humans are really the highlight of the film. Just like in Twilight they bring the funny and the sense of reality. They act like high school students, make stupid (read: awesome) jokes and generally remind us that not everyone is an undercover sensitive, brooding monster. If I had to give props to give one human though I think it would have to be Billy Burke as Charlie, famous ladies man. This time around we actually feel the bond between him and Bella which isn’t cut short with stutter-y phrasing or bad awkward moments. He plays the Dad figure well and you actually feel for him as he tries to comfort Bella. I also noticed in the dream sequence when Bella remembers the Werewolf/Vampire story the person laying on the forest floor is not her but is Charlie (at least I think!) if so, it just further illustrates that she really doesn’t want him to get hurt because of her crazy monster secret life. Awwwww… can’t wait till I see if again to really see if it was Charlie.


Dizzy, I'm so dizzy my head is spinning Like a whirlpool it never ends And it's You girl makin' it spin

UC talked about it and I will to, I’m sure it was used as some sort of visual tool to disorient us but I think it worked all TOO WELL. Everytime she trips and falls in the forest I think “here we go again” and get a good grip in my chair because we’re about to take a trip on New Moon the ride now at Universal Studios. Let me off! Let me off! Bellaaaaa, BellAH… Get me off this crazy thing… called love (anyone? anyone?!)


Excuse me, what did you just say?

Chemistry between Bella & Jacob
One of my favorite scenes between them is the “break up” scene after Jacob has turned and Bella, tired of getting the dismissal from Billy, goes to find out why he’s been missing. They emote, they stare into each other eyes, they tug at my heart strings, they make me cry. Taylor has probably the best set of puppy dog eyes ever and uses them to kill us every time. How can Bella be immune to THAT?! They really do portray two people who are great friends torn apart by great odds who try to overcome them. I think it’s probably why I lean so heavily in favor of Team Jacob in this movie. There’s really nothing like a true best friend.

Seriously let’s finish this thing up after the cut

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