Your laughs are directly proportional to your tears with these Monday Twilight Funnies

Dear LTT-ers,

Welcome back to hell after a nice long holiday weekend, at least for our fellow US friends, and for everyone else well, just welcome back. So are you like me and you have work piled up on your desk that you put off last week cause you were “busy with other projects?” When what really happened is you were in a Robert Pattinson fueled daze from OD-ing on all the pics and videos from the set of Remember Me and just couldn’t pull it together long enough to do that report or create that power point presentation for your super important meeting? Yea, me too. Well I’ve got the perfect compromise… need to look like you’re busy catching up, but really want to peruse the interwebs for what happened in the Rob/Twi world over the weekend? I present you with some Twilight themed graphs and diagrams courtesy of Graphjam.com. Keep these open in a separate tab while you check all the usual Twi site suspects this morning and when the boss walks by you can click back over here and he’ll think you’re hard at work with only the bottom line in mind when it’s really Rob’s bottom that’s on your mind (Hit it! remember that one?!).

people-hate-twilighgraph
Obviously this graph was made after they saw one of three things:
1. Attending (by mistake) a 100 Monkeys, Sam Bradley, or other random Twi-affiliated band’s concert (Canvas tote bags, Monkey hats, Goth Maria Von Trapp, anyone?!)
2. The Pattinson Pants lady in her natural habitat (a Twi-conference in line to meet Gil Birmingham)
3. Getting in the middle of a heated Team Edward vs Team Jacob debate after accidentally standing in the New Moon midnight showing line

cultfollowinggraph
I think some of us (especially the OG fans pre 2008) can testify to this one. The more popular the saga gets because of the movie the less they want to be apart of the fandom. The crazy stalkers, the cheapening of the storyline, the lame merchandise, the pop cultural saturation. We just have to keep our eyes on the prize and remember the reason we love Twilight is because of the story. Stay strong yall! Don’t let the CAS get ya down!

bookswith
We’ve all been there, trying to explain to your skeptical friend why Edward and the other vampires SPARKLE in the sunlight. But they’re vampires, they’re not supposed to go in the sun anyway! Ok, ok it’s a FANTASY just go with it!

Oh crap here comes your boss! Minimize MINIMIZE!!

Happy Monday!
Themoonisdown

See what UC’s up to over there with Rob
Commiserate with other folks in the daily chat thread over at the Forum!

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Worlfpack pride!

Check out pics at LaineyGossip

Dear Wolves-

Shhhhh what I’m about to tell you is TOP SECRET!! Ok, ready?

I’m having second thoughts…

I feel like a traitor for saying this around these parts… but for the first time I think I get it! After the photos of the wolfpack came out this week I can say I understand what all the fuss is about with Team Jacob. Only I want to call it Team Wolves! You boys are smoking hot and every kind of WIN I can think of. It got me thinking ‘wow, the Cullens seem kinda Pansy-ish all of a sudden and maybe the Wolves really could take them in a fight!’ I know!! I know, don’t spread it around but you’re totally making me have second thoughts.

I also gotta say that this is the first time I’ve felt really excited about New Moon after seeing you guys I was like let’s get this OOONNNN and I mentally started picking out songs in my head for the wolfpack and when that happens I KNOW I’m interested! While driving to work “Woman” by Wolfmother came on and all I could see was Jacob shredding on a motorcycle in a hot leather jacket!

I’ll always be Team Edward in the end but for Bella to be able to move on we needed some kind of convincing and boy, did we ever just get it. Now, I feel like this is totally possible. These guys are showing up ready to DO WORK SON! (name that quote). Now with hunky, hot, do-able Wolves this is easier to swallow and is already making me itch to pull out New Moon and Eclipse and read them again right now, just to imagine you boys as those characters. With you Wolves the fights in Eclipse are completely plausible now and I’m DYING to see how this all turns out.

I was talking to good pal Lula about how you guys are hot red blooded American MEN, real men and how this makes us feel like we’re cheating on Edward. I feel a little naughty and I like it! I just can’t help myself now. No need for Team Switzerland and we get Team Jacob finally but ef all that noise we wanna call it TEAM WOLVES, stand up and declare yourselves folks!

BIG UPS to casting, Chris Weitz, the PA, WHOEVER it was that made THIS happen I can totally see it now.

I feel the trembling, would you please phase me?
Themoonisdown

 

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Taylor and Wolfgirl sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g

perfect for framing, christmas cards, prom portraits

perfect for framing, christmas cards, prom portraits

Dear Taylor and Wolfgirl-

Since we hooked you two kids up for Taylor’s 17th birthday we thought we’d give you another gift. Being the kind, responsible folks we are here at LTT/LTR we’ve decided it would be best to lend our services as chaperons on Taylor and Wolfgirls dates. You see we want this to last and understand the pitfalls that many relationships fall into. Especially Hollywood relationships. So Rob, UC and I have agreed to triple date with you to keep your minds and hearts pure. Not to mention give you less hump-y potentional. For you guys at least. Us? That’s a different story.

Dates and locations we approve of…

  • Volunteering at the old folks home – Wolfgirl can play piano, Taylor can entertain them with karate kicks and then you guys can duet on “Apologize
  • Five after Five dinner specials at Luby’s on Tuesdays – carpool with the old foggies from the home
  • The Library – you two can do research on the teen pregnancy and abstinence essays we’ll be collecting at the end of the date
  • Bingo and table games night at the Elks Lodge – now these are some folks you could learn a thing or two from, like how to wash out ziplock baggies and avoid emphysema n stuff

Now we’re not saying don’t have a little fun, by all means please do! Hold hands, skip, kisses on the cheek, sit next to each other in church but listen kids, you gotta leave enough room for the holy spirit!

Now excuse me while Rob and I go make out in the reference section of the library.

Your older wiser mentors!
Themoonisdown and UnintendedChoice

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CHOOSE! Just make a decision already!!

You're trying my patience!

You're trying my patience!

Dear Bella, in Eclipse chapters 22-25 (well actually most of the book)-

I kinda freaking HATE you.

Your inability to make a decision and almost hairpin waffling between Edward and Jacob makes me want to punch your dumb, whiney high school face. You finally have your supposed DREAM MAN back, he’s pledged his forever love to you, has asked you to marry him and promises to “TRY” (ahem) after he HIMSELF turns you into a vampire and yet you’re going back to fool around with Jacob!?

I cheer every time when you have a flippin moment of clarity and finally say “Edward would never see me shed another tear for Jacob Black” (517). And then I inevitably want to throw the book across the room when a page later you’re begging Edward to help you find Jacob, he does you beg him not to fight and then your “brain disconnects from your body and you’re kissing (Jacob) back” (527). DOUBLE U-TEE-EF!!!??? First, are you OUT OF YOUR MIND?? Second, if you don’t want Edward I will gladly take him off your incapable hands, just let me know when to pick him up, you idiot.

After reading through New Moon again and completely identifying with your depression and near insanity over losing Edward, followed by giving Jacob mad props for being a good friend to your catatonic self and then rejoicing with you when you finally get Edward back. Eclipse makes me almost inclined to say you don’t DESERVE either of them after all this nonsense.

not worth it boys...

not worth it boys...

I think the worst part, well one of the worst, was when Edward comes back after you’ve kissed Jacob and you’re in the tent crying about how retarded you are. Cause you should be! It’s that split moment between him asking you what’s wrong and then ‘seeing’ it happen in Jacob’s mind, through Seth. AHH!! I can’t even imagine that, seeing the person you’re in love with cheating (for all intents and purposes) on you right in front of your face! It’s one thing for them to tell you it happened, but to be face to face with the actual crime. And of course Jacob’s very VIVID memory and imagination probably only made it worse. The kicker is that Edward totally forgives you because he thinks Jacob was “playing dirty” and you were just the victim. Sweet innocent you. OHH HAAALE nah! It takes two to tango my friends, as my mom would say. Though Edward is a good person and forgives you, I wish he’d have let it ride for a few minutes and let you feel guilty about it. But he is Edward and he is too good.

We all love a good love triangle, who will she choose? Who’s best for her? But after a while Bella, you just come off looking like a pathetic cruel MEAN girl. The good thing is you recognize that in yourself… the sucky thing is sometimes I think it might be too late. I don’t know if it’s possible to ‘have your cake and eat it too.’ Maybe you should figure that out. Before I LOSE my mind reading this again. GOD.

Wishing I could reach through the book and slap some sense into your head… (who’s with me?!)
Themoonisdown

PS Start studying up kids… I have an Eclipse Twilosophy session brewing.

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My name's Chris Hanson and you're on Dateline NBC…

Which way to the gunshow?

Which way to the gunshow?

Dear Taylor-

By now we’ve all read at least 4586969 times that you are OFFICIALLY back as Jacob Black for New Moon. Team Jacob can now officially squeal with joy, and the rest of us can put that whole icky Michael Capon thing behind us. Whew.

Access Hollywood just recently talked to you and asked all the ‘hard hitting questions’ we wanted to know, and I have to say, Taylor, I totally have a new found respect for you. You are one of the only cast members who can intelligently talk about the books, the movies and everything in between and not get freaked out by the fangirls too much. You take it all in stride and you’re 16!!! I can’t say the same for some other train wreck interviews we’ve had to endure during the Twilight press tour. Ahem KStew, AHEM.

[clearspring_widget title=”Access Hollywood Embeddable Video” wid=”482a0d55893fbe3f” pid=”496bf957d3aad336″ width=”400″ height=”400″ domain=”widgets.accesshollywood.com”]

The only other thing I can say after watching this interview is I totally felt 2nd hand embarrassed when the weird creepy interviewer guy said “how many inches around is that?” and then asked you if you had a “sixer” going on! And made you lift up your shirt! Uh? EW.  I looked over my shoulder to make sure Chris Hanson wasn’t going to jump out and surprise me with the Dateline film crew cause it felt so skeezy. But I do have to say uh, WOW. You are ripped for a 16 yr old, and now I feel weird.

this reminds me, I need to do my laundry

this reminds me, I need to do my laundry

And back to normal stuff… your hair looks about a billion times better than the previous spiky/ed hardy wearing WeHo douchebag hair you were sporting before. Bravo! Now if only we can talk about the heinous wig they made you wear in Twilight. As one of the Atlanta housewives would say, it was beyond “low budget.”

But dear, as much as I’m giving you props right now after you said:

“Jacob’s in, Edward is out”

I laughed because Edward will NEVER have to compete with you.

Even though your new man-body will make Edward look like a nerdboy.

Much loves and glad you’re back!
Me (themoonisdown)

Previous: Wolfpack Pride
Access Hollywood

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