Some suggestions for New Moon

Dear Chris Weitz,

I know you’re knee-deep in New Moon editing & have probably come across some scenes that are just “lacking” something- they need a little pizazz (and I’m talking about something more than a dance off between Newton & Yorkie in the cafeteria- although that would rule- thank me in the credits)

As a professional vampire blogger, I’ve spent way too much time watching Twilight, studying the art of Catherine Hardwicke’s directing (ahem) & making fun of things that suck, so I have some suggestions on how to ensure your movie provides us countless things to “break down” in the months following its release.  You may have to hire some new people and bring a few principle actors back in to shoot a few new scenes, but trust- it’ll be worth it.

Recreating “Spider-Monkey”

jailbait
Psst Kristen, watch out! Chris Hansen is coming for you

I know you’re not as quirky as the cougar & may want to keep the line writing in the hands of the screen-writer, but I think you can trust your young actors with no writing experience to pick their own lines. Catherine let Rob choose the wonderful line “hold on tight, spider monkey,” and look how well that went over with fans. So I think you should let Taylor choose a line this time around. You can just bring him in the studio for some audio overdubs & have Jacob say one of the following to Bella right before the almost kiss (Oh by the way, if that’s not an almost kiss, you might wanna hold on to the family jewels. Cuz someone will cut them off if you let that kiss happen)

“Hold on tight you little puppy”
“I’m gonna lick you now”
“FETCH… my lips”
“Arizona, how you likin’ my lips girl?”
“I just wanna try one thing…. Sit. Good Bella”

The Mike Newton Shine

danceoff

Newton & Yorkie dance off Take 1

I hope the reason you decided to switch from Catherine’s gray & blue Forks world to a vibrant warm brown-toned one was because the blue grays couldn’t contain the joy Mike Newton brings to the screen.  For New Moon, I highly suggest even more Newton & Yorkie screen time. Bring them back into the studio. Maybe you can incorporate a scene of banter between just them- perhaps a discussion on who has the better rack- Rosalie Hale or Jessica Stanley. And Chris, don’t disappoint- If we don’t hear Mike say “You’re alivveeee” with his famous Newton fist shake every time he sees Bella walk into Newton Outfitters looking like depressed death, I’m gonna demand my money back. Mike is kinda a dumb jock (minus the jock part) and obviously doesn’t know how to be sensitive about the depression Bella is in, so he needs to be unintentionally insensitive. Why not throw in a “Arizona- How you likin’ your tears, girl?”


The new Buttcrack in Town

RIP Buttcrack Santa vs.   Tequila Tom

You really need to give your audience a reason to connect with a character. Catherine did this perfectly with the introduction of Buttcrack Santa.  Sadly, that connection was cut short with his unfortunate death while singing a song about mama making a kitty ‘meow.’  Who’s gonna be the one who connects with us this time around? I’ll tell you who- Tequila Tomás- the Mexican immigrant who serves as an uber stereotypical character (cuz Mike Newton, the handsome white boy who holds a basketball and hits on the new girl, isn’t stereotypical enough)

Catherine kicked us off with a stereotype- Her ‘creepy guy who volunteers as Santa during the holidays in hopes that the teenage girls sit on his lap in short skits’ was okay, but Tequila Tomás, the only Mexican in a town of 3,120 who serves as the local landscaper, bus boy at the diner AND plays in a Mariachi band every other Friday night down at the VFW, is the way to go.  I have a really good feeling about his ability to connect with the audience.

I’m not exactly sure what the storyline should be. Maybe Bella goes to the diner alone & he comes over to clear her plate and looks in her eyes and says “Bella,” and she takes it as a sign that he’s the one who will listen to her sorrows. When in fact he was just being a creepy older guy and telling her she was “bella”- beautiful in Spanish.  But they bond & he offers to trim her bushes for free (again Bella misinterprets) & a friendship begins.  Of course you’ll need to kill him off- this will really ensure we connect with poor Tequila Tomás. Maybe he can die an ironic death after binge drinking tequila when he realizes Bella isn’t falling for him- or perhaps you don’t kill him off & just help us sympathize with him. Maybe he loses a leg in a lawn mower accident.  I’m not sure what’s a better storyline- let Taylor, with his new-found screenwriting abilities, make that decision.

Just a couple tips from an experienced vampire blogger to help you finalize New Moon. You’re welcome. All I ask in return is that you slip Moon & I a few tickets to the premiere in November & slip me a certain someone’s hotel room….. (I’ve always liked Mariachi bands…..)

Love,
UnintededChoice

Make up funny jokes about Tequila Tomas on The Forum
Call Moon a Rob-ulance over on LTR

Screenshots via LionandLambLove
Buttcrack Santa & Tequila Tomas from my personal collection (aka google image)

98 Commented


A Letter to Stephenie Meyer – Love, LTT

Sassy Steph

Sassy Steph

Dear Stephenie Meyer,

Yesterday, while UC was working diligently, enriching people’s lives by conning them into buying overpriced hot tubs (fine-she wasn’t.. she was reading 750 updates in her google reader all related to Twilight- you caught her), and Moon was in her bed on the west coast dreaming of Edward, UC came across your latest website update. This line jumped out at her:

So that’s my “How I Spent My Summer.” I hope you guys had a really good time this summer, and found some great stuff of your own. I love this world full of stories and songs waiting to be discovered! And I also love you, the awesome Twilight (and maybe a few Hosts, too) fandom. I stalk your websites all the time—you guys are hilarious (I recently added LTT to my stalk list; thanks for the laugh lines, ladies). I’m looking forward to seeing some of you in November for a little movie release that I’m excited about. Too many months to go!

Um… you mean OUR LTT?! OUR LETTERS TO TWILIGHT?!

steph-hot

milfy Steph

After she stopped freaking out, read through the gazillion emails, twitter replies and texts she started receiving congratulating us on becoming “Goddesses’” (seriously, those words were used. And we’re not complaining- cuz we’ve thought of ourselves as  Goddesses for quite some time) she started texting Moon to wake her up from a dazzle induced coma to share the good news. At 630AM. Ahem. Moon has never jumped out of bed that quick and hit send on the phone. Poor UC had to hear her yell “SHUT UP” about 10 tens before we could properly discuss this turn of events.  After hanging up, Moon contemplated running a victory lap around her neighborhood shouting at the top of her lungs “WE HAVE ARRIVED,” but she got winded at the neighbors house and had to take a breather. So we reigned it in, cause we can’t be having a fangirl freak out too hard on a Monday morning. Especially on a day where we posted a comic about anal and a totally fake account of Moon being Rob’s fake fiance, in detail. Uh, WHOOPS! But such is life writing for LTT/LTR.

So of course what did we decide to do? What else?  We decided to pen a letter to you, of course, this is LETTERS to Twilight after all, welcoming you to our little world. We have the following things to say:

1. We hope you understand all the stuff we’ve written on here and we’re sorry. For everything we’ve ever said (except for all the stuff about Buttcrack Santa, cuz seriously? That shiz was messed up. Let us in on the secret, what was The Cougar Cathy drinking?) But seriously, we love this saga! Clearly.

2. We love you. But can we ask you one teeeeensy favor? Can you publish the rest of Midnight Sun, we’re kind of under a deadline for some New Years Resolutions we made… and there are people who want us to fail!

3. You need to pledge the LTT Sorority: Wanna Tapa Vampa! There’s nothing like running around a high school in a wool pea coat to show your true devotion. Yea, it’s summer in Phoenix, Moon knows all about that, but it’s gotta be easier than driving from NYC to Forks in a Volvo WHILE making homemade mushroom ravioli, right? We may have lost the “bake off” to the Sisterhood, but we’ll get em in the end!

4. Twilight Tattoos – We’ve got an appointment next week to get our matching tattoos inspired by Twilight and well, there’s always room for one more! Whattya say? Explaining to your husband why you have a Buttcrack Santa tribute tatt in your bicep or a Charlie Swan cop stache tatt on your finger is half the fun! Just tell him “That’s Normal!”

5. Can you introduce us to Rob? You know… cuz, he seems nice and all….

6. This doesn’t change a thing…. Sure, we may cringe a little more since we know you might read when we’re honest, in one of our Twilosophy sessions, about something you wrote, or when we complain about WHY in the world you didn’t hit a certain director over the head when she allowed the line “spider monkey” to infiltrate your beautiful story, but we’re not gonna stop saying it. We are who we are. We love the world you built in all it’s beauty and imperfections. And we’re gonna venture to guess that might be why you like reading us though.

Now that we have that out of the way, a belated Welcome to LTT!

By the way, how did you find us?

Welcome to our little corner of the Twi-world,
UnintendedChoice & Themoonisdown

Debunk Robsten with us at Letters to Rob
Wanna talk it out? Head over to the forum!

Since obviously the entire world needs to know SMeyer stalks US, we’ve decided to create a few new graphics that we’ll incorporate into our blog.  After the cut, take our poll & decide which one we should go with
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