Posted by unintendedchoice on May 9th, 2009
Tonight, the Cullen family cordially invites you over to their home to celebrate your birthday. I know you don’t like surprises, so I snooped around to see what gifts the family was going to surprise you with and I have some advice:
Carlisle is going to let you get any medical procedure at 10% off (Tues-Fri. only) although he is willing to “change you” for free. He also offered to introduce you to his son….
Esme promises to hug you often, but more gentle than any other member of the family. And if you were to hit if off with that son that Carlisle mentioned, she is offering free advice on being intimate with a vampire…
Edward promises to lend you his jacket for the evening as well as hitch your leg over his hip.
If that’s not good enough, you can take a spin in his volvo- I hear the seats go all the way back, if you know what I’m saying. (This is where Esme’s advice will come in handy!) Remember to take your birth control pill!
Rosalie has graciously offered to stay out of your way for most of the evening. She also has promised to keep her jealousy of you under wraps.
And that pesky little girl who follows Edward around? Bella something…? Well, Rose promises to be a fake lesbian with her for the night so you and Edward have some alone time (Wait.. is the fake lesbian theme in the Twilight Saga at all? Cuz the lines between twi-reality & our blog-reality are blurring…)
Bear hugs are Emmett’s specialty, and he loves giving them out. Watch out though- he might get a little frisky and try to turn them into “special hugs.”
After your done with his hugs, ask him to read you his favorite Bible story- the one about Samson. He can’t get enough of Bible characters with superhuman strength!
Besides Edward, Alice is going to be the best thing about your birthday party! Not only will Alice tell you whether or not you’ll need that ‘intimacy with a vampire’ advice from Esme, but she’ll let you know what other presents Edward is surprising you with (ya know, just so you know how much you need to thank him)
Not sure what to wear tonight? No prob! Alice will be at your house 1 hour early with 2 bags full of high-end designer options. Plus she’ll do your hair & your make-up…..! You’re gonna look so smokin’ at this party that Rosalie won’t stick by her promise to keep her jealousy in check- plus Emmett & Jasper are gonna be begging Edward for details on your two…. (no pressure…)
Uh, Jasper won’t be there. He isn’t invited to birthday parties anymore…. the last one didn’t go so well…
Enjoy your night! Happy birthday! Remember.. I’m the first to know all hook-up with Edward details!
PS: See what Rob & The Quad did for Moon’s big day over at Letters To Rob
Posted in: Alice
, Jasper Hale
, New Moon
, Alice Cullen
, bella swan
, Carlisle Cullen
, cullen birthday party
, edward cullen
, Emmett Cullen
, Esme Cullen
, Jasper Hale
, Rosalie Hale
, The Cullen family