Breaking it down: The Font and I talk Taylor, bare feet and DOWN THERE!

Dear Taylor,

Sometimes I end up talking to my guy friends about you and not because they want to but because I commandeer the conversation and we go there. I apologize in advance for talking about some sensitive subjects for both you, Jacob and whatever’s going on beneath the Jorts.

(suck it Chris Hanson!)

A first… breaking it down with me and The Font

Take this invite and shove it!

The one where I totally commandeer the convo
The Font: Moon
Moon: The Font…..
*lots of time passes*
Moon: i take it you saw the new jacob picture but you’re too shy to bring it up?? do you want me to start??
Moon: ok… running barefoot?! wtf? am i right??? just because white bread vanilla snoozville bella and edward sent you an F You! wedding invite doesnt mean you need to risk a cold or worse yet needing a tetanus booster when you inevitably step on a nail from running without shoes.
Moon: you send them a F You! gift from their registry and by gift from their registry i mean a flaming bag of crap thrown onto the cullens front porch!!

What should really happen at Edward & Bella's wedding

Moon: or you streak the wedding, dump a bucket of blood on bella a la “carrie” then yell “they’re all vampires you idiots” at the crowd of dumbass townies who couldnt recognize a werewolf if it phased in front of them……
(it’s your turn to jump in…. anytime now….)

The one where he finally gives in and jumps in
The Font: i go get a hot pocket and come back, and this is what happens?!
The Font: why is he BAREFOOT? is that a werewolf thing? or he does not have the twenty seconds to put on shoes?
Moon: i guess when you’re a werewolf in love with a vampire’s girl, pithy things like footwear doesnt matter. if he gets hurt it heals within minutes anyway so i guess he thinks fuck it, try to kill me tetanus!!!

Not exactly the Sports Authority

The Font: still. just for COMFORT’S sake
Moon: well maybe he’s realized it’s not worth it to lose another pair of shoes, because he’ll just get more pissed off, phase and the shoes will shread to pieces anyway. it’s a shitty economy still. he’s being economical and im sure new running shoes arent exactly cheap at newtons outfitters. its not like sports authority. they gotta put mike through community college somehow.

The one where we discuss Jorts vs Stretchy Pants and modesty

Official uniform of the wolfpack and everyone in our neighborhood

The Font: aren’t there stretch shoes for these kinds of things? the hulk always has stretch pants
Moon: you’d think thatd be the way they’d go, but they like the denim jorts. hipster wolves?
The Font: let’s talk about THAT! if they have JEANS on, how are those not ripping? jeans are not exactly known for their give
Moon: ok, here it is… (twi nerd of the day award) they either take them off and stash them into the woods before the phase, or they shread off their bodies. thats pretty much how the explain it in the books and movies. in the books, apparently, they tie an extra pair of shorts or whatever around their legs, in the movies they stash them in the woods
The Font: so concerned with modesty, these wolves

Dude follow the cut, we talk about naked Jacob and SO much more after this

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Christmas Caroling with the Cullens

Dear LTTers,

How are you!? Stuffed? Tired? Are you wearing your new clothes and playing your new CDs and watching your new DVDs? Good. Moon & I are busy with our families this weekend, but have no fear! We don’t plan to stop the holiday celebration. In fact, we both printed out today’s caroling lyrics and plan to lead our families in many rousing choruses throughout the day. So don’t stop the holiday celebrations! Get back in the spirit by singing the following Christmas carols with more appropriate lyrics!

“I’m Dreaming of a Black Christmas” Listen to the Real song here

Now that Edward is back, Bella spends less time with Jake. She’s not as happy as Stephenie Meyers makes her seem. And the holidays are especially tough. Bella is all sentimental…. wishing for more time with Jake. And so she sings this tune….

Who invited Buttcrack Santa?

I’m dreaming of a Black Christmas
Just like they have down on the res
Where Emily bakes her muffins
and jorts are in fashion
and everyone does what Sam Uley says

I’m dreaming of a Black Christmas
Just like when that wolf was my best friend
I won’t even throw a face punch
when he tries to kiss me
really, he wouldn’t be a bad boyfriend

I’m dreaming of a Black Christmas
Every time Emmett jokes that I’m his snack
May your days be 110 degrees and laidback
And may all your Christmases be Black

Sing more tunes after the jump! Continue…

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Happy Birthday UC, Love the Cullens and the rest of the gang!

Dear UnintendedChoice (your FULL fake name, this is a formal situation!)-

These blogs are usually meant as a place for us to write letters to Twilight and Rob but since it’s you’re birthday and I’m going to hell, I’m breaking ALL the rules! See, I can’t even get through an opening line without quoting this blasted series/movie, can you believe what it’s done to us?! I can’t! But what I can believe is it’s your BIRTHDAY!!! And you’re 21! Forever 21, ya’ll. Ok, maybe not 21 but a lady never reveals such secrets. I’m struggling right now to straddle the line between bringing the  funny and gushing uncontrollably about how much I love you. In a fake lesbian, life partners, blog partners kind of way, OF COURSE.

I can’t image a better person to run a blog empire with! Whenever I’m feeling particularly uncreative I know I can ‘break it down’ with you and I’ll come up with the best post ever. It’s like we always say “we’re better together” cause no one can help bring out the funny like you. You are the yin to my yang, the Bella to my Edward, the Sage to my Dills.

Please always be my life partner!

PS The Cullens sent me this rad picture and birthday poem they wrote* just for you!

We dress like this for ALL special occasions

We dress like this for ALL special occasions

When you open your presents, try not to hurt your finger,
for the scent of blood, Jasper can’t stand to linger,
and if Edward throws you ON TOP the table,
you’d better be ready, willing and able
cause he’s 107**, and oh so pure,
but you my dear, are his only cure!
So have some cake, some ice cream too,
and know that us Cullens all love you !

Happy Birthday UC,
The Cullens (your future in-laws)

*major thanks to the lovely Kristin for helping a writers blocked Moon with this awesome poem!
** we debated if it was 107 or 108 so uh someone set us straight!

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