Stuff guys say about Twilight: The Sparkly version

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If only I could sparkle like Edward...

Dear women of LTT,

Has it seemed to you like guys are saying less and less about Twilight? My husband hasn’t said anything remotely sarcastic about it in weeks. Maybe it’s because the hype has died down a bit- it’s like the calm before the storm of New Moon hits. Or maybe *brilliant thought alert* our guys have seen the New Moon clips and are so impressed by the wolves and so unimpressed by Edward’s airbrushed abs that they’re re-thinking their mantra of “Must make fun of Twilight and sparkly vampires- no matter the cost.” And you know there are guys out there that have said, after seeing the clips of Edward shirtless (or finding your homemade, shirtless Edward bookmark in your Bible), “That’s it!? That’s what turns you on? Babe, give me two days to work off this Hot Pocket & Heineken gut, and I’ll show you something to get turned on about.” Right, that’s the same.

Anyway, to remind us of how much guys love to talk about how Edward sparkles & to get us excited for all the amazing things guys are going to say about New Moon, I’ve come across a few unshared stories about stuff guys say about Twilight. Can we start taking bets NOW on how long after New Moon is released it will be before we start hearing “I’ll show you a New Moon” while our guy bends over and pulls down his pants? Oh- today’s images brought to you by google image searching “Edward Sparkles”

Seriously corpse-looking Edward: Any funny business and I'll say "Cookie."

Seriously corpse-looking Edward: Any funny business and I'll say "Cookie."

Jennifer’s convo with her moisturized man:

So, I get up in the morning and shower for work and I notice that my last bottle of Caress Shimmering Body Lotion is nearly empty and propped upside down in the shower caddy. Well, I didn’t do that, so my first guess was that the husband did. *ahem*

So the next day, I made a quip about how my lotion was almost gone “The shimmery lotion …” I said, trying to make him feel gay for using glitter.

So he says, “It was the only lotion there was! I think you just wanted me to sparkle like Edward.”

During a recent viewing of Twilight, Twisted Larissa had the following conversation:

Boyfriend: Are you seriously watching this again?
Me: Shut up
Boyfriend: Why doesnt he just do her instead of flying across the room like a dumbass?
Me: He cant…its complicated…he loves her but the smell of her…
Boyfriend: Nevermind its gay. Plus he sparkles
Me: You wouldnt understand
Boyfriend
: I understand that the fag wont just do her, she obviously wants it
Me: Ugh why cant you be more like Edward
Boyfriend: Edward? Is that the cute shirtless indian?
Me: Who’s gay now?
And a Unicorn, who is potentially my uncle, shares his story:

hellnoDear LTT,

After months of prodding my wife “leveraged” me into reading Twilight by rewarding me for each chapter. Hell, for that I would read the entire Jane Austen collection. But I digress. As far as the Twilight series…let me sum it up:

  • Bella, annoying teenager that I don’t understand.
  • Edward, a girly vampire (did I mention he is very attractive and sparkles…it was pretty much a sub-plot of the book).
  • Jacob, seems like a cool hairy guy except for his obsession with Bella, but seems to be the only one that a real man would come close to relating to.

The books were a quick read and not all that bad, except for the 45 page tirades about how good Edward looked, or how good he smelled, or how good of a person he was, or how noble he was, or …you get the point. So other than that, the 25 remaining pages of Twilight were tolerable. I just still do not understand what all the fuss is about. I mean, I tried rubbing glitter all over my body to see if it would make me more attractive during a recent trip to the park. I am of Scandanavian decent so I already have the paleness! All I got was a lot of curious stares…perhaps I should have used more hairgel. That must have been the problem.

At any rate, I told my wife that I would gladly escort her to the New Moon premiere as long as I can write “Team Jacob” down my arms and debate with teenage girls about the merits of why Edward is a virus carrying pedophile.

Sincerely,
A pale Sparkly Team Jacob Member

This Unicorn’s email address said his name was the same as my uncles. I had a panic attack. Seriously. His email address even looked like my uncles. So I wrote him back saying this:

Dear Team Jacob member who has the same name as my uncle & is really creeping me out that you might actually be my uncle so if you happen to have 3 children & live in Pennsylvania let’s just keep this between us. At thanksgiving I won’t mention Team Jacob & you don’t mention knowing I lust over Rob Pattinson. Capiche?,

Hugs… see ya at Mom-moms,
UC

So is it just my guy who has stopped talking about Twilight!? What have your guys talked about lately? Oh, and Bobbygee- we’re counting on you to give us something good today!

Love,
UnintendedChoice

After the jump, find out who won our cafe-press T-shirt contest! Continue…

164 Commented


Twilight has the hottest cast

Dear very understanding LTTers,

You know when you have one of those nights as a vampire blogger when you know you’re going to have a late night dinner with friends, so you prepare ahead and draft up a quick idea of a great “Twilosophy” for the next morning, send a quick e-mail off to a group of vampire experts to consult for ideas & funny one-liners for the post you’ll work on when you come back from the late night dinner, no matter what time of night it is? Have you been there? Did you also forget to consider the amount of wine you’d consume at said late night dinner?

What does one do in this case when you get home after consuming 7 bottles of wine between 6 friends in 3 hours and the draft you so wonderfully started writing before you left for the dinner apparently isn’t as great as you’d hoped and only contains 3 run-on sentences and a rant about Rob Pattinson needing to come out of hiding?

Panic. That’s what you do.

Until you remember that you saved a very special post for the very special day when you would make a very special move and dance in the kitchen of your friend’s home to Lady Gaga while singing into an empty bottle of wine while being swung around by your friend Ryan who is declaring, not so subtly, “UC- can you see the Unicorns? [he means real unicorns] Do you want to ride a unicorn!? Rob Pattison has the head of a unicorn. Look- it’s Rob Pattison with a unicorn head. And he is biting pillows.” [True story. All of it.] To all of you girls in the Rob’s Flat Chat over on The Forum, you saved my ass with your amazing Twi-Cast Porn.

Twilight has the hottest cast, and you girls made them so much hotter!

Enjoy these while I enjoy my hangover,
UnintendedChoice

funash

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Many More after the jump! Continue…

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Unicorns: Where've ya been?

Rob-icorn

Rob-icorn

Dear Unicorns,

Oh where oh where have you been? Are you in unicorn land poking all the hottest female unicorns with your horn? It’s been so long since we’ve come across one of you reading Twilight to your son on a plane or wearing an Edward Cullen T-shirt to the gym. We miss you. Come back & visit us. Be like these guys:

Not Proper Twitiquette (but possibly okay during a Unicorn Drought)

A few weeks ago, I was at the local grocery chain, doing my weekly shopping. On my way out the door, I crossed paths with what I could only describe as a walking cry for help. A middle-aged, nerdy, rather-greasy man walked into the store, displaying his Twi-love for all to see. He wore a black Edward t-shirt, complete with quote, “What if I’m the bad guy?” His wife, walking in beside him, strangely had no Twi-gear on (unless she also keeps her Edward pin affixed to her bra). As you discussed, THIS is not proper Twitiquette. -Ldawg

Jacob’s into cars n’ stuff

Onto my Unicorn-in-Training story. After many months of plotting, I was finally able to convince my hub to just give the first book a try. Oh, it took many discussions on the merits of a teen, vampire romance as a metaphor for first love, forbidden fruit, all the rest. And a promise of some…erm…reward at the end if he finished it.

So, it was slow-going at first, but to my surprise, he actually seemed to be enjoying it; to the point when at night if I tried to talk to him in bed he told me, “honey, I need to read a bit.” Wow! Occasionally I’d get questions like, “What is Bella’s problem? One day she’s mooning over Edward, the next she’s pissed at him!” I even got, “Are they going to do more with Jacob in the others books? I really like how he’s into cars and stuff.”

When he finished the book, we had a truly meaningful discussion on it, and although he told me not to get my hopes up, he said he’s actually interested to see what happens next! Am I a lucky gal or what?! -Ldawg

Read more after the jump Continue…

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FanFiction and Twilight: Do we or Don't we

Confession found on PostSecret.blogspot.com (click)

Confession found on PostSecret.blogspot.com (click)

Dear Twilight,

I’ve learned a lot because of you.  I know that despite not having a real celebrity crush for 25 years of my life, it just took a book about vampires & an attractive male lead to bring out my inner teenager. I learned that people other than my geeky cousin can find friends on the Internet & that most some people aren’t weirdos. And I learned what in the world FanFiction was. That’s right- up until we started LTT & LTR I had never even heard of Fan Fiction.

I know you’ve probably been wondering why Moon or I have never discussed FFic on LTT. We’re grown-women. We say bad words & talk about naughty things- why aren’t we openly discussing how turned on we get when Jasper makes Bella feel attracted to him and then they get it on while Edward and Esme do it in the kitchen after he reads her mind and sees that him preparing a morning omelet makes her hot? Welllll…I’m kinda ashamed. And for a long time I pushed it off even thought we were getting emails with FF links sent to us on a daily basis. Then finally, after reading Breaking Dawn my 3rd time through and getting frustrated w/ SMeyer’s Fade to Black, I looked up some good ol’ Isle Esme FanFic. And man, was it good! It’s my “thing” that I do when a TwiVirgin finishes the series. I send her an e-mail with the link and a simple “You’re welcome.” No explanation. They thank me. Always.

Now words like “Wide awake,” “lemons,” “unicorn,” and “Domward” are regular parts of my vocabulary. Seriously. Oftentimes 10 times a day I’ll yell, “DOMWARD, I’m Wide Awake & I want some lemony unicorns.” No I don’t. And I’ve probably read a total of 3 FF since my initial jump into non-fade to black territory (and started and never finished countless others). I think most (not all) FanFiction is horribly written, most is incredibly cheesy, most say “unconditionally & irrevocably” way too often, and most are a waste of time. But the select few I’ve read that meet my strict “This Twilight FanFic better not suck” guidelines have been amazing. And I don’t regret reading them (even though I’m still ashamed.)

wideawakeI’m not going to review the FanFic I have read- there are plenty of other sites for that. I’m not even really going to tell you what I have read cuz it’s not really important, but I am going to explore the FanFic phenomenon with the help of some amazing LTT readers.

After the jump, check out the survey I did with: Brooke, Mrs. P, Veddersgirl, Kristin, Too_Far_gone, Marta, Gozde, Vickyb, Jbell, Southfriend and Moon PLUS some special FanFic thoughts from two girls anti FanFic: janetrigs & limeslice Continue…

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My favorite part of the Twilight fandom: Clueless guys!

The latest uniform required for all nurses who work on the psych ward at the local hospital

The latest uniform required for all nurses who work on the psych ward at the local hospital

Dear LTTers- aka “expert” Twilight fans,

One of my favorite things is people who know nothing or very little about Twilight yet think they’re experts.  It is, of course, funny to laugh at their cute little mistakes “That Robert Patterson is so cute” and “I love that scene in the 4th book New Eclipse when Jasper, the wolf, shows up at their wedding,” but mostly I like to be 2nd-hand embarrassed at their lack of knowledge on proper Twi-etiquette (Twitiquette). True2Twilight recently sent us an observation she had while browsing at her local bookstore that perfectly explains my fascination with the less informed:

It seems that ever since Twilight has been a success there are tons of series’ about vamps (The Vampire Diaries, Vampire Kisses, Evermore, Blue Moon…wonder where that name came from). It’s really quite annoying. I refuse to read any of these series’ and stay loyal to Twilight. As I was leaving the bookstore an employee said “Have a nice day” to me and I almost burst out laughing because she had an Edward shirt on. Normally this wouldn’t be funny but she had to be at least fifty.

I don’t care if she was 19, that’s NOT proper Twitiquette. Clearly she was just a casual fan. No fan in the know with a true, deep obsession would actually wear their Edward shirt in public, let alone to work (Well, not unless it was ‘wear your most embarrassing shirt to work day’ or they were BEGGING to be posted on LetterstoTwilight as a featured 2nd-hand embarrassment!) It’s like how I threaten to dress up as Moaning Myrtle for every Harry Potter premiere. I’d do it. I’d embarrass those who sit on Harry Potter fansites 24/7. I’d star as THEIR 2nd-hand embarrassment, but you couldn’t PAY me to dress up like Bella or Alice or Mrs. Cope. And I’d never even ADMIT to owning a “I love boys who sparkle” pin, let alone wear it to see the movie. (I keep it close to my heart- pinned to my bra)

Nice Try hunny.... it's not the same with your gut hanging out though...

Nice Try hunny…. it’s not the same with your gut hanging out though…

Even more than people with bad Twitiquette, I love men who try to get it, but just don’t. You know the type. They ask you what “Twilight Zone” book is your favorite and come to bed wearing fake fangs, thinking it’s the teeth that turn you on- not realizing that it’s actually a 108 year old vampire- Edward Cullen (and of course the guy who played him flawlessly- Robert Pattinson) I love these recent stories sent to me by LTT readers:

Jen shared:

So I went to see Transformers on Sat night with my friend Phil. And one of the previews was for New Moon. So of course I made some sort of sigh noise when shirtless Jacob came on screen. So at the end he morphs into the wolf and Phil leans over and asks, “Are you going to carry around a furry wolf doll in your purse too?” HAHA. I lost it!

Lisa told us:

On my Facebook homepage there was a “Which Twilight character are you?” quiz, so I casually asked my husband which character he thought I would be…his response? “The little Indian boy who turns into a fox” I about died laughing…but the funniest part? He was dead serious and thought that was an accurate description. Apparently my “turn your man into a unicorn” skills are lacking and I need to take the course again.

And a “mom who once had a life” e-mailed us, a little upset that we’ve kept her from going back to her life & sucked her into our LTT/LTR world, but also shared what her husband really thinks she’s up to:

I’m sorry ladies but I’m also one who has to keep you a secret guilty pleasure. Yes I’ve watched every video out there with the words Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart. I’ve analyzed the expressions and the body language of said stars. I hunt for terms like RPatz, Robward, Robsten and curse the paps when they crowd my obsessions. When my husband tries to sit by me, I try to make it look innocent when I close my laptop. He thinks I’m secretly addicted to porn sites. In reality, I’m hunting through your archives for more things to make me LMAO. It’s getting difficult hiding my guilty giggles from the family. So I have to peek when no one’s home. Ughh. I’ve now become a LTR/LTT crack addict. I’m sending my rehab bill to you.

Will it ever get old? I’ll still laugh hysterically when I think of the first thing my husband ever said about Rob After explaining to him that Sam Bradley was a good friend of Robs, he said, in all seriousness, “I thought Victor Krum was his best friend?”

Aww! They’re so cute. Almost as cute as Twi-virgins, don’t you think? So cough it up- we know your guys have said the most insane things about Twilight. Share with all of us (and by “share” I mean save your second best story for the comments and e-mail us with the best ones so we can use them in a future post!)

Love,
UnintendedChoice

Do you like Rob? Yeah, we thought so. Go read letters to him over on LettersToRob

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