Your laughs are directly proportional to your tears with these Monday Twilight Funnies

Dear LTT-ers,

Welcome back to hell after a nice long holiday weekend, at least for our fellow US friends, and for everyone else well, just welcome back. So are you like me and you have work piled up on your desk that you put off last week cause you were “busy with other projects?” When what really happened is you were in a Robert Pattinson fueled daze from OD-ing on all the pics and videos from the set of Remember Me and just couldn’t pull it together long enough to do that report or create that power point presentation for your super important meeting? Yea, me too. Well I’ve got the perfect compromise… need to look like you’re busy catching up, but really want to peruse the interwebs for what happened in the Rob/Twi world over the weekend? I present you with some Twilight themed graphs and diagrams courtesy of Graphjam.com. Keep these open in a separate tab while you check all the usual Twi site suspects this morning and when the boss walks by you can click back over here and he’ll think you’re hard at work with only the bottom line in mind when it’s really Rob’s bottom that’s on your mind (Hit it! remember that one?!).

people-hate-twilighgraph
Obviously this graph was made after they saw one of three things:
1. Attending (by mistake) a 100 Monkeys, Sam Bradley, or other random Twi-affiliated band’s concert (Canvas tote bags, Monkey hats, Goth Maria Von Trapp, anyone?!)
2. The Pattinson Pants lady in her natural habitat (a Twi-conference in line to meet Gil Birmingham)
3. Getting in the middle of a heated Team Edward vs Team Jacob debate after accidentally standing in the New Moon midnight showing line

cultfollowinggraph
I think some of us (especially the OG fans pre 2008) can testify to this one. The more popular the saga gets because of the movie the less they want to be apart of the fandom. The crazy stalkers, the cheapening of the storyline, the lame merchandise, the pop cultural saturation. We just have to keep our eyes on the prize and remember the reason we love Twilight is because of the story. Stay strong yall! Don’t let the CAS get ya down!

bookswith
We’ve all been there, trying to explain to your skeptical friend why Edward and the other vampires SPARKLE in the sunlight. But they’re vampires, they’re not supposed to go in the sun anyway! Ok, ok it’s a FANTASY just go with it!

Oh crap here comes your boss! Minimize MINIMIZE!!

Happy Monday!
Themoonisdown

See what UC’s up to over there with Rob
Commiserate with other folks in the daily chat thread over at the Forum!

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Joan Jett – We feel your pain (aka Kristen Stewart)

Dear Joan,

I bet you totally regret casting that ‘Twilight Girl’ to play you in the Runaways Biopic, even though your niece totally loves that hunky vampire dude and was hoping to meet him because of the KStew connection. But sadly, no Rob and all you’re left with is a skinny girl who blinks and stutters her way through your kick ass life.

And what about the hair? Instead of rocking your bad ass femme mullet she looks more like Johnny Ramone with a lot of volume. Makes me wonder what they’re gonna do in a month when she has to have Bella hair again. Get yo weave on girl!
I just read a story about you yelling at Kristen to step it up her game on the Runaways set and she ended up crying. Did she have the Bella hospital break down on you?

“What? Are yo- NO! NO! How, I don’t even know what you’re say- How Ho- Whadya whayda you talking about, yo- want me to go away- I, I, I can’t, I can’t I I can’t just leave – I… (fade out)”

Obviously at this point you had to slap her so she would snap out of it. You’re an original RiotGiRRRL for goodness sake. Teach that trick some respect! And I’m sure you’ll agree with me: There’s no crying in PUNK ROCK! Tell her to snap out of it or we’re gonna have words! Same goes for Dakota Fanning. These two need to bring it or go home cause if they screw up Cherry Bomb like Twilight got screwed we’ll have to lay the smack down like James did in the ballet studio.

So Joan, if you’re ever feeling blue about the whole thing or just like to laugh at people when they fall down, cause who doesn’t? Watch the following video… and maybe one of us will figure out how to put the falling part on loop!

Hello world, I’m your wild girl!
Themoonisdown

PS Read one of our very own LTR/LTT girls ROB ENCOUNTER at LTR!!
Talk about all this goodness at The Forum!

 

Follow the cut for some Runaways musical goodies from me to you!
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Jashley – The Jackson Rathbone and Ashley Greene Movement begins!

Dear LTT-ers,

It’s no secret that I love me some Jackson and Ashley, in fact I think they feel the love around here a lot and Jackson is definitely a hot topic over  on the forum. Maybe it’s the fact we’re BFF’s, or maybe it’s the fact they play Jasper and Alice, or maybe it’s just cause they’re so darn cute and REAL. But whatever the reason is I’m starting the Jashley movement here at LTT. I know it’s no uncommon desire that folks want to see them together but I’m gonna take it to the next level. I was talking to UC this afternoon while sifting through pictures for something we’re working on and of course we ended up on the Vanity Fair pics where Jackson and Ashley are sittin’ uh… pretty and we got to talking about them and I confided in UC about my deep deep love for them. Not that she didn’t already know but it needs to be said: I feel for Jackson and Ashley how the Robsten folks feel for Rob and Kristen. Only I care way less. Like waaaaay less.

And so she wanted to know what us Jackson/Ashley devotees called them… what was their celeb couple name? Jackash? Why no, it’s actually Jashley… at least that’s what they tell me. And by they I mean I made it up while scouring the interwebs trying to match pictures of shirts that they both wore. Does this hole line up to the hole on her shirt? Nope, damn. NEXT.

Excuse you, this is Jashleyan!

Excuse you, this isn’t Jashleyan!

Then I told her I also have pictures of Jackson near a plane with some flight attendants and obviously it’s from when Jackson secretly came to LA for 3 hours to visit Ashley last weekend.  I sent it to all major news outlets and  no one cared. So then I emailed Ted C. telling him I had the scoop on Jashley and he should forget that whole Robsten thing. Sadly, he emailed back and asked: “Who the ef is that?!” Funny thing though, I checked back a day later and he had already started a Jashley catagory on the Awful Truth, complete with videos from LTT! See, the movement is catching!

Here's proof! It's the truth!

Here’s proof! It’s the truth!

So convinced was I of this coupling I started scouring old Jackson and Ashley interviews till I found this gem, in an interview with the Australian Herald Sun, which is I’m sure Australia’s MOST respected news outlet, Ashley said:

“He and I both don’t have time to date, but we do have amazing chemistry,” she says.

“We both have such big crushes on each other and it clearly shows. We got along instantly and the day we met, he was teaching me how to swing dance.

“He (Rathbone) does everything. He sings, he dances, and he’s so sweet. Even my mum has a crush on him and tells me, ‘You should date him’. So, who knows, maybe when we both stop running around the world.”

And even thought this quote is from back in April, if it helps my case obviously it’s true right? So yes, Jackson and Ashley please stop ‘running around the world’ so you can become Jashley and I can squee with happiness! Or just go on about my life like any other day.

Ok kids, off to start Jashley Lives!
Themoonisdown

Don’t miss ol Robbie Roo and UC’s letter to him!
Check out all the other Jashley/Jackson/Ashley goodies at The Forum!

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The Inevitable New Merchandise for New Moon

Dear Twi-hards,

With the release of New Moon fast approaching (146 days!), it was only a matter of time before the machine started rolling out new merchandise for fans to buy. After all Hot Topic almost single handedly saved the economy back in February. And we really can’t be losing anymore mall stores. Where else will I find my neon green tutu’s, Mario Brothers shirts and gothic parasols?  I mean, there goes my whole wardrobe, right? But never fear we’re just now getting a glimpse of the goodies to come that might just save the entire United States economy. Fingers crossed.

shirt

WOOOOOWWW just in case you wanted to go hunting and be camouflaged but also show how much you love Twilight, we have this lovely shirt. To our country friends, this will look nice while you’re out hunting deer with Jethro and the boys and if you’re lucky enough you’ll be wearing this on the next season of Red Neck Weddings!

NMdeskcalendar
Don’t you hate it when you’re at work and just about to close the BIG deal and can’t remember what date it is? I know I do! But after I get this handy little desk calender I can look confidently at the client and say, why yes it IS exactly one month and 3 days till my life is complete and New Moon comes out October 17th! Thank God I had this calendar or we couldn’t have made this million dollar deal! Great doing business with you!

barbiedolls
So Barbie Bella and Ken Edward dolls are like the complete antithesis of Malibu Barbie and Ken. Instead of tans they have pale, sparkly skin. Instead of the pink corvette Bella has the broke down beater truck. Instead of skin bearing bikini’s and swim trunks it’s coverage from head to toe. And instead of a Dream House on the beaches of Malibu, it’s a middle class house in rainy Forks, Washington. My only question is: what about the Bob Mackie designed raincoats and the Quielute addition to the “Barbies Around the World” collection? Mattel, you totally dropped the ball on this one!

nmlipvenom
Lip Venom, guys really? I remember this stuff from like Seventeen Magazine in the 90s. It was supposed to plump up your lips to give it that “bee stung” look. The whole concept is off, first of all who wants to be stung when putting on lip gloss? And not surprisingly the product failed and went away. But now that Vampires are the hip thing, why not trot this little diddy out again but with a new spin: Plump your lips up with the venom of a vampire! Close your eyes, dream a little dream, click your heels together and say “there’s no place like Forks” and wait for the magic of the venom to turn you into an immortal. Then you and Edward can be together forever, cause we know that’s what you dream about. Seriously, we know. We watched the movie.

When are we gonna get a Jacob action figure? Or a temporary vampire bite tattoo? Or an official Charlie Swan stick on Mustache?

Would you buy any of this?
Themoonisdown

Don’t forget to vote in the Wanna Tappa Vampa (our fake sorority) and the Twi Sisterhood’s PORN OFF! EVERY VOTE COUNTS!! Yes we can!

Read our review of Rob in The Bad Mother’s Handbook at LTR
Chat about it in The Forum!

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Speculation Thursday – Moon makes the case for Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart: NOT together!

We're actors

We’re actors

Dear Kristen and Rob-

Last week my pal UC put on a brave face, sucked up her pride and posted the Speculation Thursday (though it was on Wednesday) post that she thought you may be together. As much as it pained both of us to see that in writing, we had to present the Pro Robsten side of the argument. But never fear, I am here with this week’s Speculation Thursday (on Thursday!) where I’m going to present the Non Robsten side! Cause I look at you two and I’m like, they CANNOT be together, the stoner and the nerd? No way.

If you’ll indulge me I’d like to treat this as a trial, and court is now in session*! The honorable Stephenie Meyer proceeding. Today we will be hearing the case of:

Robsten vs NonRobsten, in the court of public opinion

Opening statement:
Much has been said and speculated about you two over the last few weeks and now having some time to gather evidence and look at the facts I think we can be certain about a few things: Kristen and Oregano are not together and Kristen and Rob are in fact, NOT together. Snogged and hooked up? Sure! But together? No! I ask that the jury keep an open mind as we speculate our way through another Thursday.

Enter into the court room the Evidence…

 

01. The Charlie Hotel / The Morning After – UC cited this story and these pictures as her main turning point. But I have a different take on this much bally-hooed “secret goodbye photos” and “secret rendezvous hotel bungalows” nonsense… I did some research too on The Charlie and there are multiple bungalows in which bungalows also have multiple rooms! Amazing how this works, huh? It’s not uncommon for stars to get ready for awards shows in hotel rooms, Summit’s footing the bill, why not? And you’ve got the room paid for for the night, might as well come back and party after the show, right? I know where you’re going to go with this: “but Moon they were in the SAME bungalow! Ron, the underpaid dude at the front desk, told the shady paparazzo from X17 who palmed him a 50 it was true.” Riiiight. And, if I even believe that they were in the same bungalow, my research tells me that again, SURPRISE, there are bungalows with more than one room in them. I’ve stayed in rooms with guy friends, it’s totally possible. And who knows maybe she was wasted drunk from the dinner beforehand when they decided to go back and party? Maybe they smoked a bol and she passed out on that cute striped chair from the pictures of The Charlie. And then the next day her Mom came to pick up her hung over self and hug Rob for being such a good guy and looking out for poor little Kristen. And no kiss was ever photographed.

Follow the cut to hear the rest of the case!!! (Seriously do it!)
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