Who are all these new people?! Volurti and Twitter don’t mix

Beller is alive!! And so are all these other Vampires I don't know...

Dear LTT-ers,

Remember when we didn’t know who the guys in the Wolfpack were or who Harry was? And we call them stuff like Nerdy Wolf and Australian dude? Well while I was away it seems like anyone who has ever been cast as a vampire came out to play in the public eye. While I was trying to catch up in the weeks of twi-news I missed, I kept saying WHO is that?! WHO is this?! That albino dude is in Breaking Dawn? So I think it’s time we catch up with the newbs (the ones I care about at least) and give them a little run down on how shiz works around these Twilight parts…

Something's not right here, right???

Vladamir, The albino guy – aka Noel Fisher
I have a lot of questions for this guy… is it bleached? Was he born this way (ain’t no other way)? I thought the Romanian Vamps were HELLA old and creep sauce looking. He may be a tad creeper but he looks 16. More just learning to drive and hide my back-ne then dark forces of the underworld.

Stefan (not Urkel) – aka Guri Weinberg
This dude went on and on about playing some big prank on the set of BD and while I enjoy a good “Go Fuck Yourself” as much as the next person, when I hear “prank” and “Breaking Dawn” in the same sentence I’m hoping some switched out Bella’s cup of fake blood for the REAL thing… or at least have Bill Condon to ask the wolfpack to not rely on CGI but to really bust naked out of their clothes and phase, with a straight face.

Srsly yall, The Pacific, Rami Malek get on this train!

Benjamin, Egyptian Vamp – aka Rami Malek
He’s pretty much the only new Vamp I really care about because he was kick ass in The Pacific, looked freaking cute with his long board in Larry Crowne but really I like him because I saw him on my way to Target a few weeks ago in his black Prius wearing one of those pork pie hats and any vamp who loves the earth and tiny hats is fine by me.

Eleazar – aka Christian Camargo
Clearly, Dexter’s brother is the only other new Vamp I really care about. Too bad his name is Eleazar and not Brian/Rudy the Ice Truck Killer… but I think I’ve waxed eloquently on this topic before.

They all seem to be starting Twitter accounts and tweeting each other and the fans like they’ve been around for decades, even telling Twihards if they’re a REAL fan they’ll follow Volturi Guard number whoever decided to join the twittersphere that week. Um no, actually I am a real fan but I only need one Tinsel Korey tweeting misspelled missives about the end of the world in my feed. One love yall! One of these is more than enough! THANKS!

Do they really think we believe them about being a true fan? Do we care? NO! Have they ever asked Stephenie Meyer to play “Fuck/Kill/Marry” with her own characters? I THINK NOT! And THAT’S how you do it Twilight Vampire newbies… a late welcome to the ‘hood from us.

Runs with Vampires… or something,

Do you feel as confused as I am about all these new people? Should I have flashed Rami Malek in his Prius? Yes? know, missed opportunity. And are you a real fan? Enough to follow all these yahoos on Twitter?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

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That's it! No more New Moon spoilers!

Twilight New Moon teaser movie posterDear Twilight,

That’s it! I’ve officially drawn the line in the sand. I will watch no more trailers, no more clips on entertainment shows, no more leaked footage on the interwebs. This entire week has been a spoiler lovers dream. And while I love a good trailer, that’s ALL I want is a trailer! Twilight (Summit) You have to make us WANT IT! Make us BEG for it… like a good junky.

Last Saturday I saw the special footage from the Scream Awards (all previously unseen footage), Monday, I watched Bella punch Paul on Access Hollywood, Tuesday I watched the ITunes special clip with the Taylor Lautner intro, Wednesday night I watched the “event” clip and about peed my pants, and then Thursday it was as if the gates to spoiler heaven broke loose with both a Volturi clip AND the much anticipated “break up” scene. I sat in the chair at the salon getting my hairs did watching all the tweets fly by, with people giving our links to the vids, and I was torn. Of course I want to watch it but I also don’t. YET. I called UC because I needed to know I wasn’t alone. And just like usual our heads were in the same place. She didn’t want to see it either. We asked each other at what point do you draw the line? We both want to have “that moment” in the theater on opening night. And we also have have the to remember we blog about Twilight so we have to remain on top of all the news and the new stuff that comes out but what will be left for us to see on November 20th if you keep releasing this stuff?

Savin' me some Jorts for November 20th

Savin' me some Jorts for November 20th

It feels kinda like opening your Christmas presents before the big day. I’ve always been one of those freaks who enjoys delayed gratification. Much to my parents delight I never went snooping, looking for Christmas or birthday gifts when I was younger or even now. What’s the point in knowing weeks in advance what you’re going to get? There’s something to be said for enjoying the anticipation leading up to the big reveal. After all what will be left if they keep releasing clips at this rate? The closing credits or Buttcrack Santa rising from the dead to seek revenge on the Nomadic Vampires (please, God let it be so!!)? Which by the way would be the best gift you could EVER give me and UC. Just sayin’.

So just stop it already!! No more clips, no more spoilers, no more nuttin’. Laugh in my face a week from now when I’m begging for it. That’s what she said! But I’ll thank you come midnight on November 20th.

Now if only I can find some sort of “Twilight Nicorette” to hold me off till the big day… Hmmm maybe I’ll reread the book!

A reformed junky,

So am I crazy? Does anyone else feel that way? Who’s decided to wait and can we be accountability partners? Kellan will supervise.

Get your next fix at The Forum
UC says something funny on LTR

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New Moon Trailer – Breaking it Down! And ordering a Sleep Number Bed

Dear LTT-ers,

You know one of our favorite things to do is ramble on about Twilight and Rob and have extended chats about everything in the twi-world which we dubbed “Breaking it down Vanity Fair style” in homage to our very first chat of this nature that spurred the creation of this blog. SOOOO when the new trailer came out Sunday night and after many folks requested we break it down, here we are BREAKIN’ IT DOWN for you! And as usual it devolves into a chat about something completely different but yet oddly related to Twilight. So since this is a loooong one… grab a cocktail (or a diet coke) and settle in as UC, Calli and I break this shiz down!

UGGGGhhh uuhhh AHHH!!

(refresh yo memory… as if you need it)


Wait, Carlisle is HOW old??

The one where Bella second guesses this whole thing…
ok burning daylight, lets hit it
Moon: i love that because cathy was so fail and didn’t include some of the volturi legend they have to do all this backtracking… “the volturi?! who’s that?! they have LAWS??” Yea you should have known that from the last book Bella.
UC: wasting chris weitz’ precious time
Calliope: she’s all like HOLD UP BACKUP
UC: and while youre at it.. who is buttcrack santa again? This changes EVERYTHING!
Calliope: wtf didn’t you tell me about this LAST TIME
UC: I wouldn’t’ have fallen in love with you had I known about the Volturi! Carlisle is HOW OLD? Dude? I’m crushing on you’re 300something year old dad?
Moon: I’m not sure I wanna date you now Edward, is that Newton kid still down?
Calliope: I bet Edward says.. “Second thoughts bella?” all assholey on her like “TOLD YOU SO”
Calliope: she’s like … hold up… you’ve been celibate for HOW LONG
UC: wait.. you eat MOUNTAIN LIONS? Ew
Moon: this changes everything! Trailer fades to black. The end
Calliope: yeah though granted, it makes more sense to discuss the volturi now, for the non-readers (all 10 of them) to have movie flow
UC: good job cathy the cougar
Calliope: but seriously. Bella needed this info LAST movie
UC: right… we really do need to worry about the 10 ppl left in the world who haven’t read
Moon: and dont forget they still have to touch on jaspers special power
UC: and they did NOTHING with the Alice story
Calliope: “wait a second,… jasper controls my emotions?!?! WTF edward… i trusted you!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
UC: So it’s Jasper that’s been making me feel that tingly feeling down there? I thought you were skilled!
Moon: so my first unicorn was all a ruse by you and your emotion altering BROTHER?! What kind of sick family is this?!
Calliope: Oh edward… clearly this is his first relationship. Edward is suck a fail boyfriend… just tells her what he wants her to hear.

Wanna see what else we talked about? Hint: Matlock, Mattresses and Afros… YUP follow the cut

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Newest Twilight Saga Cast Members: Moon and UC. Why not?!

Dear Eclipse/Breaking Dawn Casting Directors, David Slade and whatever director ends up getting saddled with BD,

With all the news about the recent casting announcements and rumors swirling regarding who’s going to play who I’d like to formally toss my hat into the ring. Yes, I Moon Last Name Withheld would like to be in your movie(s). Besides the obvious: I don’t have an agent, a manager, a resume, a head shot or any serious acting skills beyond a couple school and church productions (oh and a very amazing video about wearing your seat belt shot for our 9th grade Safety Ed class), why not me? And why not UC while we’re at it? Remember when she begged to be Emily then Tanya? Come on!

You’ve recently cast Leah who wears a scarf over her boobs, some kid named BOO BOO for goodness sake and about every slut with a head shot around the world is starting a rumor that she will be Tanya. And now some chick from Germany who won a reality show contest is going to play Vera, Rosalie’s friend. So why not us? Here’s my pitch:

We can do slutty! Sorta.

We can do slutty! Sorta.

We’re random unknowns with questionable skills, so we fit in with the folks you’ve already cast. We can wear scarved around our awesome racks and come up with an odd name for ourselves. How about Moon-Moon and UC baby? And I’m sure if given the chance we’d kick ass on a reality show, especially a reality show where the prize is a role in a Twi-movie. Our confessionals/Diary room footage would be worth it alone!

For the studio and production: A plus for the marketing side is that we even have a couple followers who might be interested if we actually made it into a twi film! We could rally our total rad troops to spread the word about how great Volturi gaurd #4 and Random Witness #23 are! And really, choosing us as your newest cast members would be a savings since we’re already pale,  so there’s no need for make up to airbrush on us, and no need for wigs since we have luscious locks and a coupon to the costume supply shop if one of us gets attacked by a random girl with a mullet and a pair of scissors. Heck, you could pay us in kisses from Rob and gift cards to Pink Berry.

Our joint headshot

Our joint headshot

So won’t you find it in your heart and scripts to cast us as Hiker who gets killed and friend of Leah #2?

After all there are no small parts only small actors!

See what good times UC has cooking over at Letters to Rob
Post your acting resume and run lines at the forum!

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Storytime with Moon – Comic Con in review

Dear LTT-ers

As you all know Thursday I was able to attend the 2nd coming of Jesus, aka the New Moon panel at Comic Con and I have a little (ok, it’s quite long) story to share with you! So that means it’s story time with Moon!

Sit back relax grab your poison of choice (mine’s a diet coke as the CC folks learned) and let’s get to it!


Once the news came out that there would in fact be a New Moon panel and presentation at Comic Con the California LTT/LTR gals KNEW we had to be there, come hell or high water. And trust, there was a lot of hell and a lot of high water. But finally tickets were secured and plans made for several groups of Cali gals to converge on Comic Con last Thursday…

Making up part of the LA/OC group Chelsea and I headed down to San Diego Wednesday afternoon to meet up with our SD gals to plot, plan and scheme how we would make this happen. By Wednesday morning there were already reports of 100-ish Twihards in line and by the time we reached San Diego that evening a reported 500 were now in line. So we jumped in the car with VickyB and headed down to scope out our competition…

The sign pointed us towards heaven on earth

An impromptu little tent city of Twihards set up on the outside of Hall H. Since we knew there was no point in waiting in line over night at this point and in all honesty we didn’t want to (we just wanted to be in the room not in the front row), we honked and continued on in search of food and good times

Since we were going to be seeing Rob the next day we first stopped off to get some slutty outfits for our Comic Con Preparedness Kits. No Cullen crest or Team Jacob shirts for us. It was hooker lucite heels, cootchie cutter shorts and whips that we were looking for!

Let me tell you the rest of the story… after the cut!

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