Postcards from Bea’s Twilight-less vacation

(Bea writes to Twilight about her well…Twilight-less vacation! Enjoy! XO-moon)

Greetings from Vacation!

Dear Twilight,

I’m nearing the end of a two week vacation, and I miss you.  Less than the husband… but more than the cat.  Is that normal?

“Vacation,” of course, means camping out in my parents’ basement while also visiting the grandparents and in-laws.  The first week was busy busy busy: wedding shower,  family reunion, asking an old friend to be responsible for the baby if the husband and I drop dead, adapting said baby to the three hour time change, convincing grandma that baby does still need a nap at nine months old, shopping for family picture attire, etc.  Even survived said family pictures without being paralyzed by second-hand embarassment (Everybody in solid blue with khakis this time!  Except the redneck wing of the family who will come in green, gray, black, plaid and Hawaiian print! If you’ve visited AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com you have the basic idea).  In any case, I was much to busy to send a postcard to a series of YA books and movies or even miss you unless I saw a particularly fine pair of jorts.

But then week two hit.  Hubby went home, the round of visits to relatives got mundane, baby stopped sleeping like she was hungover and started teething, shopping turned into returns, and the second old friend I saw is in the middle of a very sad divorce.  Altogether less fun.

Bea's trendy baby

I did have a Twi-versation when my sad friend checked out my child’s fangs (top middle teeth aren’t in yet, but side teeth are):

Me: She’s a vampire baby.  Very trendy.
Sad Friend: [snarky snort] Have you read Twilight?
Me: [Guilty pause]  Yeah, I gave in and read them when all my students and their moms were.
SF: I just can’t do it.

Like I said, not terribly fun.  I was shooting for Jacob-esque sunshine but only managed Mike Newton-ish semi-distraction.  At least I didn’t puke on her.

Fold into the equation the fact that at the end of week one I finally got to see Eclipse.  Free babysitting meant that I even got to go with the husband, Unicorn-In-Denial that he is.  So for the first week of vacation, when I did miss you, I got to anticipate seeing you.  When we finally managed to slip away from everything I was near giddy (this was the 19th… was I the very last loyal LTTer to see it?).  We had a great conversation with my mother-in-law on the way out the door:

MIL: What are you going to see?
Unicorn-In-Denial Husband: I can’t tell you, it’s too embarassing.
MIL: Is it “The Last Airbender”?
Me: Nope. [Internal monologue: No, but one of the actors is in both films.  Evidently Jackson's specialty is embarassing movies.]
UIDH: It involves vampires.
MIL: Ah… “the saga continues…”

The movie was fun.  I mocked the wigs, cried at Renee’s scene, fell in love with Charlie again, gagged at the ring and swooned in the meadow (Moon, you were so right about Rob finally becoming Edward in this one!  He almost never looked constipated!).

The kind of postcards I would purchase on vacay

But then tragedy struck.  Husband was in a cranky mood due to work thing unfolding at home and would not rehash the film on the way home despite my prodding.  I had to virtually do the Heimlich Maneuver to get, “It was only mildly entertaining.”  The next day I tried my best friend from college, but she left me hanging with only brief wig commentary.  What fun is a Twi-movie without people to discuss it with???  Must start planning for #pillowbite2011 and what I’m calling #NeedToKnow2012.

In short, vacation has become more like real life here in week two and I didn’t even bring a good book to read.  Instead I brought the baby book to fill in… yeah, like that’s going to happen!  My mom “finished” the one she made about me on her way down to meet the grandbaby this fall.  Like I’m going to do my child’s in real time.

And so, I miss my escape from real life: you, my dear, ridiculous Twilight.   But there is a substantial problem.  No Wi-Fi at the parents’ house.  Which means all internet usage goes through the family computer.  In the middle of the living room.  I snuck in once when the baby had me up but everybody else was sleeping and read the week’s LTT but couldn’t watch videos of Jackson side-talking or listen to Stephenie Meyer sound clips.  And then I had to figure out how to delete items from the browsing history.  Because my little Twi-closet door has opened too far already this trip.  Witness the denial conversation:

Mom: How was the movie?
Me: Pretty lousy.  We went to see this one because everybody said it was way better than the others, but it would still make no sense if you hadn’t read the book. [She's also heard the 'my students wanted me to read it' excuse.]

So now I’m sitting on the back deck, with a glass of wine, watching the sunset and writing you a postcard that has somehow become an epistle.  And my vacation is feeling better again.  Tomorrow morning I’ll sneak back to the family computer and send it off to UC and Moon to do what I can to make their vacations more restful.  I plan to have the New York Times open in another window as my alibi.  If there’s extra time before my dad starts looking over my shoulder I might even get to read LTT.  And then delete it from the history.  Because that’s what normal adults do.

Wish you were here!
Bea

We wish we were there too because then we could talk about Eclipse with you and maybe sneak out to see it again once we trick the MIL to watching the kid again. So how about everyone else do you clear your browsing history every time you leave the computer? Are you still really in the Twilight closet?

While Moon was Gone: DO IT!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTRThe ForumTwitterThe Store

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Eclipse, It’s FINALLY HERE!!! But first it all begins with a choice!

It all begins with the choice to use this image one more time

Dear LTT-ers

We’re finally here… tonight we will see Eclipse for the first time and we’ll get to see if it’s everything we thought it would be, if the drama was worth it, if the wigs inch down their foreheads during fight scenes, if Jacob really is 108 in that sleeping bag and most importantly we get to find out what the new stuff is we’ll be talking about till the next movie. Who’s the new Buttcrack Santa? Will there be any “little bottles” or “They’re not bears?”

But before we get to all that we have to make some choices… you won’t get it all and we’re remembering to “accept it now” but there are a few things you can control like how much butter you put on your popcorn or whether you wear your LTT/LTR shirt or your Bella costume to the movie… let’s take a look at the choices you can control

It all begins with a choice… what will you choose?

  • To see Eclipse OR not (DUH)
  • Small OR Extra Large Popcorn (with refills?)
  • Scream out loud when Edward makes his 1st appearance OR silently clutch your Eclipse themed popcorn container (you got the Extra Large special edition container, duh) holding on to that last shred of dignity?
  • When the Leghitch scene happens will your leg raise of it’s own volition in a mock leg hitching motion OR will you come prepared with a Team Switzerland sweatshirt you will tie to each armrest to fashion a seat belt or sorts to restrain yourself from making any hitching movements?

After you've finished the popcorn this can be used to relieve your bladder

  • Leave in the middle of the tent scene to hit the potty because in addition to that special edition popcorn container you’re also double fisting Diet Coke (with a splash of rum from your LTT flask) in special edition cups  OR use your new found bladder control because of the Kegel exercises you’ve been practicing in your office chair for the last 7 months since you had the same problem during the Volturi show down in New Moon?
  • Decide whether you’re going to stay up after the midnight screening to write us a letter begging us to start LTX: Letters to Xavier OR will you compose your own first letter to Xavier on your blackberry/iphone/toilet paper with Eclipse pen while staying for your 2nd screening of Eclipse at 3AM?
  • If your theater does not have assigned seating will you mentally choose which 13 year old Team Jacob fans you’ll be most likely to elbow in the face to get past them and into the theater first OR which Twimoms you can trick by yelling “EDWARD’S HERE!” while pointing to the front door to cause a diversion so you can run into the theater first all in a quest for those coveted middle-of-the-theater seats?

To burn OR use as a device to trip Twihards?

You see getting to the theater is the easy choice, you already bought those tickets months ago, but it’s after you get there that the real decisions need to be made. What WILL you choose when that annoying Radio DJ, sent by his bosses at the station to interview “crazy Twihards,” asks you whether you’re Team Jacob or Team Edward. Will you slap him with your Eclipse handbag from Etsy or will you punch him in the throat and pirate the airwaves playing only Robert Pattinson’s music till someone from the theater comes and drags you away with promises of a free Eclipse in IMAX tshirt in XXXXXXXXL? See these are the things you need to think through before you get to the theater tonight.

Happy Eclipse Day!!!!
Themoonisdown & UnintendedChoice

What choices will you be making tonight? Add your answers and other choices we should be prepared for tonight as we watch Eclipse FOR THE FIRST TIME!!! Ok, so I’m getting really excited now!

BUSINESS TIME!

Guesstimate Opening Weekend – Just like with New Moon we’re making another guess for opening weekend box office totals. And just like last time whoever loses has to write a special love letter to a person of YOUR choosing…  Whoever guesses the closest without going over will win reprieve from writing a love letter and bragging rights till Breaking Dawn 1 (can you believe we’re saying that?) comes out and the LOSER will be shamed in public and forced to gush on the blog to your chosen love letter recipient. WHO will it be this time? Since UC lost lost time and had to write a love letter to Cathy Hardi we’ll take her out of the running…

UC’s Guess- 134 million
Moon’s Guess – 155 million

It all begins with a choice…

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

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Taylor Lautner on SNL… what shall we say…

Wait, I think I see a funny skit over there...

Dear Taylor,

Now you know I love ya something fierce (most days) and think of you and Taylor Swift as my own personal Disney Prince and Princess but when the nicest thing I can say about SNL is that you really can rock a wig… that’s probably not good. Now, before I get more than my daily share of hate mail I gotta say there were a couple shining moments in your episode of SNL…

  • Your opening monologue! Showing the VMA clip where you just stood there doing nothing while Kanye trampled all over your sweeties moment was all kinds of hilarious

[vodpod id=Groupvideo.4202356&w=425&h=350&fv=]
round house kick…

  • Those pre-roll photos they show of the host before the skit. Those were HOT sauce and should be added to some museum for creepy women older than you to enjoy

Oh hey hey heeeeey!

  • The wigs. How is it that you can pull off a blond wig, a floppy McDonalds arches mid 90s wig, an emo wig and a freaking crimped and braided teenage girl wig? Does it worry you any that compared to most other teenage boys you look pretty natural in  long girly hair? And most importantly does it worry you that a TV show has access to better wigs than a movie with a multi-million dollar budget has?

Nice rack!

See what else was win, what sucked and what certain red head country star made a cameo after the cut
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Newest Twilight Saga Cast Members: Moon and UC. Why not?!

Dear Eclipse/Breaking Dawn Casting Directors, David Slade and whatever director ends up getting saddled with BD,

With all the news about the recent casting announcements and rumors swirling regarding who’s going to play who I’d like to formally toss my hat into the ring. Yes, I Moon Last Name Withheld would like to be in your movie(s). Besides the obvious: I don’t have an agent, a manager, a resume, a head shot or any serious acting skills beyond a couple school and church productions (oh and a very amazing video about wearing your seat belt shot for our 9th grade Safety Ed class), why not me? And why not UC while we’re at it? Remember when she begged to be Emily then Tanya? Come on!

You’ve recently cast Leah who wears a scarf over her boobs, some kid named BOO BOO for goodness sake and about every slut with a head shot around the world is starting a rumor that she will be Tanya. And now some chick from Germany who won a reality show contest is going to play Vera, Rosalie’s friend. So why not us? Here’s my pitch:

We can do slutty! Sorta.

We can do slutty! Sorta.

We’re random unknowns with questionable skills, so we fit in with the folks you’ve already cast. We can wear scarved around our awesome racks and come up with an odd name for ourselves. How about Moon-Moon and UC baby? And I’m sure if given the chance we’d kick ass on a reality show, especially a reality show where the prize is a role in a Twi-movie. Our confessionals/Diary room footage would be worth it alone!

For the studio and production: A plus for the marketing side is that we even have a couple followers who might be interested if we actually made it into a twi film! We could rally our total rad troops to spread the word about how great Volturi gaurd #4 and Random Witness #23 are! And really, choosing us as your newest cast members would be a savings since we’re already pale,  so there’s no need for make up to airbrush on us, and no need for wigs since we have luscious locks and a coupon to the costume supply shop if one of us gets attacked by a random girl with a mullet and a pair of scissors. Heck, you could pay us in kisses from Rob and gift cards to Pink Berry.

Our joint headshot

Our joint headshot

So won’t you find it in your heart and scripts to cast us as Hiker who gets killed and friend of Leah #2?

After all there are no small parts only small actors!
Themoonisdown

See what good times UC has cooking over at Letters to Rob
Post your acting resume and run lines at the forum!

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This is how you found us? Vol. 4

f-a-k-e l-e-s-b-i-a-n-s

f-a-k-e l-e-s-b-i-a-n-s

Dear LTT/LTR’ers and googlers-

My how time flies! It’s already June and we missed one of our favorite reoccuring posts: “This is how you found us?!” in May. For those of us just joining in on the fun, WordPress (our blog program) allows you to see handy dandy stuff like numbers of visitors, which post is the most popular and what terms people searched for when they found our site. When we found this feature we would laugh so hard at some of the terms we knew we had to share them with you awesome readers! And May did NOT dissappoint, seriously these are some of the best we’ve seen. So without further adieu… This Is How You Found Us??!!

Where robert pattinson hangs out – You want to know my address? Or the 24hr taco joint down the street from his hotel?

Twlight edward eyes pillow caseIt’s creepy trust me, but also totally awesome to scare your visiting co-blogger with when they wake up!

The Tuck Pattinson – is this Rob’s new nickname? Forget spunk ransom, it’s now officially Robert “The Tuck” Pattinson

Abstinence – Well, you’ve come to the right place… we’re totally saving ourselves for our wedding night with Robert Pattinson… and Jackson Rathbone… and Kellan Lutz… aaaannnddd… ok well maybe abstinence isn’t the term…

Buy Pattinsons wardrobe – this will cost you all of 4.75, to get his look all you need is whatever you wore in 9th grade and then access to either a Goodwill thrift store or movie Wardrobe dept. for a couple extra holey tshirts every 6 months. (This might be in my favorite top 5 things anyone’s every googled and found us! What else can you say about the genius of this?)

Robert Pattinson birthday gift from Kellan – I’m guessing either a personalized copy of The Purpose Driven Life signed by Rick Warren, or an ex-small purple wifebeater

Wig for new moonNOT THIS ONE! If this is your New Moon Hair Dept, we are NOT happy. FYI

What is robert pattinson doing for his birthday – Well besides us, maybe about 29 shots of Jameson, smoke a whole pack and then hide in his room from you freaks.

www.jet-porno.ru – is this some kinky mile-high club shiz?? (check it at your own risk i have NO idea what that is)

funny lesbian birthday wishes – I’m not sure but maybe we can ask KStew and NReed for some ideas? Unless they’re not talking to each other now since that whole messy faux break up we’ve created in our minds happened.

Buttcrack school – Dude, Buttcrack Santa is teaching? Where do I sign up? Prof. Santa!

Follow the cut for more hilarious, scary and just plain weird googles! Trust me it just keeps getting better!
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