Dear Buttcrack Santa,
I’m gonna be honest here. The very fact that you exist kinda makes me ashamed to be a Twilight fan. I understand the importance of Waylon Forge’s murder in the plot development of the movie (and I agree it was a good thing to be added) but BUTTCRACK SANTA? Are you serious? The fact that the word “buttcrack” is uttered in the same movie where Robert Pattinson is playing the perfection that is Edward Cullen is what completely took Twilight out of Oscar contention.*
I’m one of those gals who loved Twilight the movie from the first moment I saw it. I had realistic expectations. I didn’t expect it to follow the book exactly- I expected it to fall short of Stephenie Meyer’s magical creation. All my expectations were met, and so I loved the movie. (And the fact that I fell in LOVE with a certain Robert Pattinson on the night of November 21st, 2008 probably helped too.) But that’s not to say that I wasn’t complaining about a few particular ‘no-no’s’ like the best of them:
- Spider Monkey: the perfection of Edward Cullen would never say those awful words, and the perfection of Robert Pattinson better have been paid a million bucks just to utter that shizz.
- Gay Eric Yorke: I’m cool with Eric being Asian even though the books never ever alluded to that, but how can a GAY Eric like Bella and ask her out? Last time I checked, homosexual males like other homosexual males.
Lame-Ass Sparkles: I love small budget films. I love that directors have to be more creative than their big-budget counterparts, but skimping on Edward “sparkling like diamonds?” Um HALE NO! And adding SOUND EFFECTS? That lame “special effect” can be achieved on my trusty ole’ ibook G4. I should never be able to create the same effect people in the “movies” create.
- Monkey-Man: As if I needed another reason to hate Nikki Reed, she has to call Emmett her “monkey man.” COME ON! Vampires EAT Monkeys! Say something sexier- like “My Purpose Driven Vampire“
- Eric Yorke playing with worm: Wtf? I have nothing else to say here. Ew. That’s just 2nd-hand embarrassing.
- Say-it Out loud: Okay, hold up a sec. I feel a little pressured here. I’m afraid that if I give in and actually “say it out loud” all the crazy S. Meyers-hatin’ feminists are going to come after me and tell me I’m a disgrace to the female gender…are you sure you want to pressure me that way, oh perfect Edward Cullen who would never pressure Bella like this in the books.. ever?
So you see, Waylon aka “Buttcrack Santa,” I don’t have many complaints with the movie. I didn’t even mind Victoria showing up at prom, despite the fact that obviously Edward would have caught her scent and obviously vampires can’t cry. I thought it was a nice effect. But a gay, worm-dangling, sparkling, monkey-man who utters the words “Spider Monkey” out loud? Sorry, I could’ve done without all of that. And you? Well, unfortunately for you, your life ended much too soon, but to be honest, how much of a life was it really if you were known around town as “Buttcrack Santa?”
*I don’t actually believe this statement. It is false and one that is uttered with complete and total sarcasm. Unfamiliar with sarcasm? Leave our site now. I’m not kidding. Get the hell outta here.