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Rating the New Moon Trailer

Dear Twi-hards,

Introducing Moon & UC Grade something. It’s just like Breaking-it Down Vanity Fair Style, but just with us. Sometimes The Quad is busy & this is just easier. Today we grade the New Moon Trailer. Oh, you haven’t seen it? Clearly you’re not a real fan, but we’ll let it slide. Check it out then let us know if you agree with our grade scale:

UC & Moon

Here’s a fun game. See if you can count how many times we say “Dude”

Moon: Wanna break down the trailer, right now?
UC: Yes. This feels so forced. Like we scheduled sex. 6/1/09 9:00 pm SEX
Moon: Let me close the door (sounds like we’re doing something dirrrrty)
UC: dude i’m drunk. Okay I’m reading. i mean. i’m ready
Moon:  one second let me enlarge this sucker
UC:  that’s what she said

chesttouchEdward & Bella
Moon:  ok so he says “you’re my only reason to stay.. alive.. IF thats what i am”
UC:  The husband just said “such predictable dialogue” Um, no commentary from you, thank you very much
Moon:  it’s stephenie meyer- everything is predictable.  So…what Edward says doesnt even make sense
UC: “you’re my only reason to stay alive..if that’s what i am.” What does that mean!?
Moon:  WHAT?!
UC:  WHEN is that part?
Moon: It’s in the cullen house. Before the bday party?? Maybe after? Either way that line makes no sense, but he could speak pig latin and i’d listen
UC: “ihay ovelay youhay obray.” It’s kinda sexy.. the way she’s all up on his chest.. with her hand. I’m kinda turned on right now. DAMNIT 3rd glass of wine
Moon:  he could be like “i farted cause i ate a bean buritto” and i’d be like WOW- profound
Moon:  ok not really but ya know. It’s like when someone speaks a different langauge than you and it sounds hot even if they’re asking where the bathroom is. He’s working THAT
UC: He totally is. He’s working that sexy, drool-worthy voice that you know he doens’t have in real life. In between takes he was totally burping Kristen’s name

Rose rocks a hot bitchface

Rose rocks a hot bitchface

The Party (:31)
Moon:  we need to break down the outfits
UC:  first impression: House..l.. um YES… major win over the last house, which i loved
Moon:  yea i LOVED the last house. I want to MARRY the last house
UC:  House= win. so romantic. I so hope that the hubby does that exact thing for our annivesary celebration tonight.
Moon:  the two houses don’t look like they go together
UC:  i want to marry THIS house. They’re diff houses, but I love them both. This is an upgrade. Let’s discuss the coloring. It’s great. I wasn’t against the blue. I liked the blue. It was depressing, rainy. I thought it was nice, but the warm golden colors? I like
Moon: The blue color was dreary twilight, and I think the change to warn tones reflects the change to the wolves and earthy shiz like the quilutes. LOVE the new look
UC:  Um Alice= my bff. She shoulda worn THAT Sunday night to MTV cuz it’s major win. Also notice NO showing of Nikki/Rosalie except for one bitch-face moment that I’m about to screen cap
Moon:  No joke, Ash’s wig is better than her bouffant from last night
Moon:  Rose looks hot for once and not like she fell out of a TJ Max sale rack like she did in Twilight.
UC:  right. Ross Black Friday special
Moon:  seriouisly lest we forget her ACID wash jeans
UC:  she goes well with uncle jesse
UC: Esme? Uh, make me a vamp now and make her my mama
Moon:  Esme will always be hot and timeless. NEED that dress
UC:  WILL BUY that dress on ebay. For $7,000 if I have to. Will fight over any Twimom to get it.


"Won't you be my supper?"

UC:  so far I’m in love with Chris Weitz. Can we discuss the manly sound we hear “Alice that cake could feed 50. you guys don’t even eat”
UC:  It’s like Kristen said “damn, it’s 3am, i don’t give a F*ck… i’m gonna sound like it’s 3am. Or like I ate a frog.”
Moon:  uh JASPER- aka:  Mr Rogers cardigan and a poodle wig
UC:  SO nasty! Seriously. Almost as bad as sweat fest 2009 at the khyber in philly
Moon:  he’s all top heavy with that hair, makes him look like a pinhead. I’m so sad and underwhelmed.  Sweatfest was better

Not so fast, you sweaty monkey, you

Not so fast, you sweaty monkey, you

The dramatic, small flesh wound (:43)
Moon: Jasper running is ridiculous! totes diff than how i imagined it but awesome
UC: poor piano
Moon:  next time i get a papercut im going to fling whatever it is im holding in the air. totally dramatic “OW PAPERCUT!”
UC:  Yes! Then throw someone on the piano! And ruin it. Even though it’s an antique from the 1800s that Bach played in the 1600. F*ck it. Who cares.
Moon:  thats how you react to small flesh wounds
UC:  Caust it’s a MUCH bigger deal than Bella getting her period
Moon:  dude you can totally see the harness and wires on jasper/stunt double. It’s all rumbled and a big square thing on his back
UC: Rush job!
Moon: yes definite rush job
UC:  Insert note from the Hubby “how many times do you think you’re gonna watch that clip? You probably should a bunch more. You don’t want to miss any foreshadowing or symbolism” (this is where I get my wonderful sarcasm)

See where Bella gets sad and Chris Hansen comes after us, after the jump

I just really thought, after 6 months and a fake romance on a TV show, that Chad was the one

I just really thought, after 6 months and a fake romance on a TV show, that Chad was the one

In the Woods (:57)
UC: Seriously… Kristen.. in the woods? equals Sophia Bush. I wanna hug her and ask if she’s healed from her 3 month marriage to Chad Michael Murray. And also ask how the freak their show is still on TV when The OC was canceled years ago
Moon:  It’s like the bad break up- he can’t even look at her, he’s delivering the “its not you it’s me” speech to the forest floor
UC: she’s wearing TONS of make up in that field
Moon:  I would run after him and attach myself to his leg. You don’t let Edward walk away
UC:  no you hold on tight. You hump it if you have to. Silly little Bella
Moon:  DUH. Obviously shes 18 and doesn’t know the ways of the world
UC:  Leave it to us experienced woman
Moon:  Throw yourself at him and don’t let go
UC:  There isn’t a man in this world who has run away from me without getting his leg humped while trying
Moon:  like if you ever saw Rob in real life, you grab something and HOLD ON
(thats what she said)

Moon: ok laurent??
UC:  Eyes! So much better. And freaky
Moon:  Dude! They totally let her hair look all shabby. He is SO toe up in this, like he’s been out in the woods too long
Moon:  like TORE UP… it’s ghettttooo speak
UC:  you’re so gangsta. like eminem. white gangsta. balls in ya faace
Moon:  fo sho homie
UC:  I have nothing more to say about Laurant. He dies and i don’t give a shizz
Moon:  I want to wear his wig on my next jamaican vacay
UC:  I want to buy pot from him on my next jamaican vacay. Dude, I was walking down the street in Philly, and I saw a rastafarian guy. I said to the hubby, “if i wanted pot…. could I ask him?”
Moon:  totally Laurent!
UC:  and he said.. “UC… you’re so judgemental” cuz he had a sign about Jesus
whoops. He was a Jesus-stafarian
Moon: Everyone knows that guy in their town!
UC: well, this one was saved. Probably off an old Carmen video

Wait. You're how old?

Wait. You're how old?

Chris Hansen? Is that you? (1:25)
Moon: Moving on. Let’s get arrested
UC:  Okay, arrested time
Moon:  I mean the drop-out-of-the-tree-move had EVERYONE screaming at my house on sunday
UC:  and by ‘everyone’ you mean just you and our friend ‘his one and only?’
Moon:  my HUGE PARTY of people flipped out. Jake looks like the nerd who left for summer vacay a wimp and came back in the fall all ripped
UC: I know! THAT guy
Moon:  and you’re like “DUDE who’s the NEW KID??”
UC:  I remember that guy. I held that guy’s hand on a fall field trip. It was sweaty. Sad
UC: I love the growling at the end. LOVE it. Reminds me of my kitty. He purrs like that
Moon:  I’m still on the pedofile part. Him jumping over the railing is hot, and I said it and i don’t cxare
UC:  so ripped. Hubby said he is clearly on roids
Moon:  jump over MY railing
UC:  do it. Jump over it, Taylor. Moon can handle you. She’s tall

Here Kitty, kitty kitty...

Here Kitty, kitty kitty...

UC: I <3 cats, and the wolf reminds me of a cat
Moon: Though from totally different animal familes
UC:  i want to snuggle it
Moon:  DUDE the wolf RULES, and this is SOOO a first version too
UC:  it’ll get SO much better!
Moon:  can you imagine the pack?! it’s gonna rule
UC: On dang! All that hottness. All those shirts off? Edward WHO?
Moon: Dude the clothes ripping off, the phasing. Again, Chris Weitz, I pledge me and rob’s unborn child to you: Christopher Moon Pattinson
UC:  Again.. Chris Weitz? Marry me? Even though you kinda look likke an Oregon mountain man and that’s totally not my thang.
Moon:  dude i so have a thing for chris weitz
UC:  really? like in real life? Or in this fake virtual life where I call you Moon and we pretend to be fan girls (fine we pretend that we’re pretending but we’re really not) Moon:  I don’t know what it is… the scarves, the jackets, the longish hair. the yelling of ACTION
UC: Always like a guy in charge of the action
UC: He seems great. Not at all annoyed by the paps. Takes the boys out for lunch-
buys them tuna melts and cokes. Doesn’t get into drama with his cast… not talking about how’s stickin’ who
Moon:  doesn’t care or WANT TO know if anyones shacking up with anyone
UC:  right. Dorky wolf is doing it with another wolf? who cares!

Moon:  uh can november come quick enough?!
UC:  Moon & UC grade the trailer:
Moon:  A+ NO A
UC: Yeah, A
Moon:  (no plus because of the poodle hair)
UC:  A+ will be when the wolfpack arrives. Right. Fail on the poodle hair, and also on Edward not making sense.

-See how much Moon likes to watch Rob strip over on LTR
-Hide from Chris Hansen over at The Forum
-Follow our tweets on Twitter!

  • Hot Damn

    Siskel and Ebert have nothing on you two! Wait, isn’t one of them dead? No matter – love Love LOVE it!!!

    • Hot Damn

      Sorry! didn’t see that someone already bestowed the Siskel and Ebert honor! We all think so much alike – lol!

  • brittany

    omg haha the part with the gangsta talk, i love you girls! best break down by far 🙂

    Moon: I would run after him and attach myself to his leg. You don’t let Edward walk away
    UC: no you hold on tight. You hump it if you have to. Silly little Bella

    -totally agree, hands down.

  • Sianna

    Even though its just the trailer, im really liking the vibe of this one. Chris did great! I hope this means they will keep getting better and better. Kristen looks prettiest in the scene with laurent. Oh, and something else, I might be going on the twilight cruise! did anyone hear about it?

  • Holy crap, that was hilarious! Seriously, I laughed my frigging head off. Hahaha. Um yeh, Jasper’s Golden Girls hair – I’m not okay with that. It makes me sad. And I expected him to LUNGE not RUN at B. But whatevs. It looks awesome and Taylor looks hott. Yes, with two “T”s.

  • Dal

    hottness is all i can say atm……

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  • Janet

    i’m hoping that jasper’s hair is like that just in the birthday scene, like he tried to tame it for the occasion, but it just didn’t want to cooperate. i can’t see his hair looking that bad by accident. wouldn’t someone on the cast or the crew say how horrible it looked?
    and i loved the trailer! i can’t wait for November. my husband had the opportunity for all of our family to move to india for two years. i told him if we went we had to come back in november. i tried to tell him it was for thanksgiving, but he figured out the truth- i had to come back to see new moon. we decided not to go, but he was still upset with me for wanting to come back for a movie. he just doesn’t get it!

  • Jazzled

    Brava ladies, as always, hilariously (not so) succinct and entertaining. : )

    EPIC FAIL on the poodle hair and Mr. Rogers getup. How dare they do that to my Jasper >:(

    Otherwise, looks like something I’ll be standing in line for at 11:59.

  • You Girls ROCK, this was hilarious!!!
    But I give the trailer a B+, there was something missing…

  • AmourPSU

    First, I apologize if I am just repeating something that someone said in an earlier comment. It’s been a long day and I don’t feel like reading through all of them. SORRY!

    Ladies, so glad that you commented on the over dramatic papercut. You’d think she cut her finger with a razor. I cannot recall one papercut (and believe me, I get them all the time) where blood dripped onto the floor. I mean, does Bella have a clotting issue? Girlfriend, lay off the asprin.

    I am hopeful that Chris W. just threw this together and that they will actually use different takes in the real film. Don’t get me wrong, the trailer got me all hot and bothered, but as Leigh Anne said (okay, read the first couple comments) Jacob/wolf coloring all wrong. Hell, maybe we’ve all been punked and the Bella/Kristen Eyebrow raise, will never make it into the final product. **Keeping my fingers crossed**

    Okay back to doing a work project at 9:35 pm at night. FML.

  • Team_Jacob

    Chris Weitz I have to admit I had my doubts but dude I gotta give you props that trailer was…FREAKIN’ AWESOME!!!!Just plz do us twilight fans a request fix JaKes wolf !!!

  • Calliope

    I love both of you. true story. that is all.

  • Calliope

    I must disagree on one thing however….

    The papercut dramz. totally warranted. i mean, come on guys. what? you think alice went down to the dollar store and picked up some flimsy, so-see-through-you-have-to-wrap-it-twice, cheap ass wrapping paper?!? Absolutely not. you know miss thang drove all the way to seattle to pick up the fine italian cardstock-like designer papers she had flown in. That shit is thick. rest assured. and expensive. it’d better give bella a freaking papercut. hell, i’m surprised it didn’t just cut off the entire tip of her finger. she probably has nerve damage from that papercut. just saying. so yeah, the dramz… i’m surprised there wasn’t more. all i’m saying.

    p.s. do you think if bella had really lost the tip of her finger that edward would still love her? sometimes i wonder…

    • Walking_Disaster

      My friend Cynthia and I were doing our own break down, looking over some screen shots from the preview. I noticed that in the shot of Bella on the floor after getting the smackdown for Edward, that the blood running down her arm looks blackish-blue. In this pic :

      Walking_Disaster: dude
      Walking_Disaster: why is the blood black?
      TeamRob/Cynthia: blue blood?!
      TeamRob/Cynthia: blue, black, whatevs..
      TeamRob/Cynthia: lol but yeah… 🙂 weird.
      Walking_Disaster: lol
      Walking_Disaster: must be a movie thing
      TeamRob/Cynthia: probably
      TeamRob/Cynthia: unless…
      TeamRob/Cynthia: was bella any kind of supernatural being (aka not human) without us knowing?!
      Walking_Disaster: um…aside from an emotionless, over blinky, retard. No, she wasn’t.
      TeamRob/Cynthia: LOL
      TeamRob/Cynthia: I LOVE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      And no, I don’t think he would love her.

  • Walking_Disaster

    I had to show you the convo my friend Cynthia and I had talking about the new looks in New Moon. This is what we had to say about the new look that Jasper rocks.

    TeamRob/Cynthia: he does look a lot better.
    Walking_Disaster: how about poodle head?(I totes stole that from the girls at LTT btw)
    TeamRob/Cynthia: LOL
    Walking_Disaster: nah I like it actually
    Walking_Disaster: reminds me of a blond Bill from True Blood actually
    TeamRob/Cynthia: uh….
    TeamRob/Cynthia: OH YEAH~
    Walking_Disaster: you see it?
    TeamRob/Cynthia: he does look like bill!!!!!!!!
    Walking_Disaster: totally!!!!
    TeamRob/Cynthia: wow.
    TeamRob/Cynthia: creepy.
    Walking_Disaster: but still…
    Walking_Disaster: totally do-able
    TeamRob/Cynthia: somewhat.
    TeamRob/Cynthia: if he started doing those tricks with the bat maybe.
    Walking_Disaster: Mmmm Jacksper bat tricks
    TeamRob/Cynthia: LOL

    • Jazzled

      Jacksper bat tricks would automatically give him a get out of jail free card concerning poodle hair and Mr. Rogers clothes where I’m concerned. Cowboy boots help too. And if it ensured Jasper would be running at me full-force, I’d be willing to endure a nice papercut…oh the things we do for love….

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  • Dg

    Hello Dearest UC and Moon, I’ve been reading you ladies 4ev (luv u, luv u, luv u) and finally my will has cracked, I must comment on the trailer, for the earth hath moved under thine feet! So, here goes “Breaking Down the New Moon Trailer Dg Style” (no copyright infr intended ladies!):
    1) Edward is B.E.A.U.T.I.F.U.L. (duh, right?)
    2) I was a bit conflustrated with the scene before the party, but I was thinking it’s probably how in the book she is still begging him to turn her all the time and he’s trying to explain why he won’t? Maybe that kind of conversation? I just wished he were happier, in the book he’s a much happier Edward up until the papercut. I’d love to see that yummy crooked smile, and the Romeo & Juliet couch action back at Bella’s, maybe a lil sparkley chest action, or some delish jawporn…. oh sorry, Dg thoughts, back to the trailer, right…. they need to really explain the Volturi, I think, in the beginning like in the book. That is important for the end to be done right.
    2) Edward is B.E.A.U.T.I.F.U.L.
    3) Yes, I agree, Jasper’s hair is HORRIBLE, they totally stripped him of his f***ableness, at least at first glance, we’ll see how the movie plays out.
    4) Nobody else even seemed to flinch at the smell of Bella’s blood (the gushing papercut), in the book they all practically pounced.
    5) I saw a comment on another board regarding Edward’s clothes- it looks like he’s wearing the same clothes from the BDay party ALL THE WAY through to the scenes in Italy, which was how many months in the book?- BRILLIANT! He is so devastated from losing Bella that he never even changes, I love it!
    6) In the forest, I wanted to curl up and cry with Bella, a salty tear escaped my eye wondering if we would see him in the rest of the trailer *sniffle, snort, remembering we didn’t see his glorious sparkling abs as hoped*
    7) Edward is B.E.A… ok, ok, you get the picture…
    8) F*** me, I hadn’t noticed his sexy accent leaking through in the forest, oops, excuse me ladies, I need to go change my, oh, nevermind…. I mean…. I’ll be right back….
    9) Laurent looked freakin freaky, well done there, can’t wait to see the Volturi!!!
    10) As indifferent as I may be to the wolves, Jacob inparticular (I always hated reading his parts, it was torture to get through most of New Moon, I know he is obviously integral to the book, he just got on my nerves, bring on more Edward!!!), I thought the transformation was fabulicious! I mean, it’s clearly not going to look 100% real, because it’s not real, duh… but for the effects they used I thought it was superb.
    11) I also liked how they used the brown tint on the movie as opposed to the blue tint of Twilight (see NewMoonMovie.org), neato lil twist. I wonder if Eclipse will be shot with a purple tint?? I saw a promo poster for casting (don’t know if it was official) and it had a purple background. That would be interesting, maybe a lil weird, but I love purple…. no I’m not a lesbo, well maybe a fake lesbo, I mean I’ve had some fun times with some pretty hawt girls involving whipped cream and sugar cubes and….. oh, sorry those damn Dg thoughts again… though, I’m with you girls while ogling Ms Greene, she’s gorgeus…. and actually I think Ms Stewart is hawt as well, which leads me into…
    12) I thought KStew was beautiful in the movie! I think you guys are way too hard on her and though I know it comes from someplace well meaning, like your unbridled passions and jealousy over yummo Rob, I think you should lighten up on her. (though that would put a damper on some of your seriously hilarious posts, so maybe not) I love her portrayal of Bella, she’s awkward and serious, and I think her lack of display of emotion results from her inwardness and goes along with her “shield” from the book. I do think she’s not as happy as she was in the book, but neither is Edward, I think we just don’t see as many of those moments in the movie, more in the book. And as for her in real life, give the girl a break, not everyone is a bubbling, chatty, witty charmer who wears stiletto’s constantly. I’m somewhat of a social reject myself and would probably be twice as awkward in the public eye as Kristen (but I do love my stiletto’s, fishnets, floggers, Robward tied to my…. ahem, sorry…). Alls I’m sayin is let’s break those Hollywood sterotypes, shall we? If she wants to be pot smokin, finger flippin, popcorn award droppin (though I’m sure she didn’t want that to happen), Converse wearin hottie in her own right, rock it out KStew!! After all, she must me doin something right, if “Robsten” is even on the table (that’s what she said).
    So without tryin to go for the “Longest Post in the History of Posting” award, I have one more thing to say:
    Do you think Summit would be SOOO fab and release New Moon early and surprise us all?? I mean do they really need 6 freakin months for post production? A girl can dream right? And even with all my critiques and however the movie does turn out, I know I’ll watch it a million times and love it, just like Twilight (whichkindofreallysuckedbutwasphenomenalallatthesametimeifyaknowwhatI’msayin).
    So ladies, it’s nice to officially make your acquaintance and now I’ll probably be posting more often, if only to save you from any future pent-up-too-long-venting posts!
    Love ya Twi-ley,
    PS Edward is freakin sex on sex!!

  • kjp

    @Moon and UC – just had to say that this is one of my favorite posts! You guys really make me laugh out loud at my desk every day.

  • Mo

    HA! I love this so much. You guys make me laugh so much!

    Funny thing when I was watching the trailer and they showed her birthday cake I was like stop rewind I totally made a cake just like that for my cake decorating final in the fall! ha!

  • hi there..

  • Eywen

    What can I say.
    Watching the trailer after reading your opinions and analysis of the trailer made me look at it in a whole new way… I think I laughed a lot more…. Like, A LOT :p

    Thank you girls! 😀

  • I’m too afraid of getting my hopes up. 🙁

  • Melissa

    Dudes, that wolf is red. Jake is NOT red. Wolves are NOT red, foxes are. Please be first version….

    Edward was probably saying “I’m a monster.” or something along the lines of that.

    I’m going to New York to watch the filming of Remember Me, see you there!


    Ok..y is everyone just standing there while jasper is running in super slow mo towards bella? Lmao..maybe they don’t like her afterall. I love how bells looks with laurent in the Clearing cause she has that depressed look going on. I honestly wasn’t feeling the break up scene..maybe there could be a little more emotion when bella is lying on the ground. Jaspers new hair looks like sh*t. Why is robward wearing the same clothes from the party in the break up scene? Cause even if he was in ” contemplation” all night, the cullens are just not the type to not bathe…err not change clothes. Even in twilight, robward would leave before bella would wake and change his clothes. Umm… I kinda like the wolf at the end. Jacobs body was muy CALIANTE …by no means am I team jacob. I am unconditionally and irrecovably in love with robward cullen.oO.! And bellas stunt double/ wig were soooooo obvious. K bye

  • TWP

    Coming to you from newmoonmovie.org. I adore you gals! Y’all are uber talented and flat out hilarious. I have been lurking for quite some time…but thought I would pop in for a comment.

    1. Jasper’s hair…who’s bright idea was it to use a brilo pad as his wig?
    2. Typically…I am totally Team Wolf Pack but Edward…looked rather dashing. Yummy enough to eat.
    3. Jacob – already booked my prison cell and ticket to hades for my naughty thoughts. I was on vacation and totally screamed like a little girl.
    4. I miss Sam and Paul!! Really wanted to see them in the trailer. Especially Paul, or as I lovingly refer to him as Sir S*x on Legs. 🙂

    Really loved the trailer. Jake transforming into a wolf was insanely cool. I loved the growling and whatnot.

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  • Elysia

    “here kitty…kitty,kitty”

    Is hilarious i can picture jacob actually saying that but like as if he were joking around 😀

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